Sunday, March 29, 2009

Not lonely..lacking purpose

I realised something important..
I have been thinking about why
sometimes I love being alone
and sometimes I feel sad alone.

I thought that meant I was lonely,
and Yet my heart ache is so fresh
that the desire to start new
is non-existant!

I have a very supportive family
3 wonderful children
and am blessed with the most amazing friends..
so, lonely did not seem to fit!

I know what it is!
When I am productive I have purpose!
I know my place
my role
where I fit in the world.
After a day at work,
I get my kids,
I manage my home
and prepare for the next day...
when alone time comes it is welcomed!
It has a purpose;
to refresh
relax.....regain strength to do it all over again!

When I am heading somewhere,
meeting someone..
planning something...
I have a plan!
My footing is sure!

The sadness?
its more a feeling of being lost!
Not lonely,
but we are not taught the difference.
We assume we are lonely and look to fill the void..
with someone..
when instead we feel lost
because we are unsure
in the moment
of our purpose
and should look to fill the void
with something instead..
even understanding!

Expecting the feeling..
knowing that an aimless sunday
when the kids are at their dads,
friends are busy,
work is done...
will bring a loss of direction;

I will not be caught of gaurd!
I can learn to over come it,
and I believe I will..
but in the meantime I can beat it..
plan around it..
or just meet it head on!
But I will know which feeling has overcome me
and not mistake it for another..

the first step for me
in not repeating mistakes
of the past!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

heart break healed by children

I have 3 children
my girls are 9 and 7.
They have had turmoil.
But, they have been blessed so far,
to have only lost one loved one.

And yet....
We have a dear friend.
An older man..
their grandfathers age
whom they love,
and whom has been very good to our family.
He is a man who you can call in a pinch
and he will do all he can with no questions.
He raised 9 children on his own
and as they are grown
loves to be around my children.

Yesterday he lost his father.
He was close to his dad
and the death hit him hard.

Last night, I watched my little girls
help him through his hurt!
I listened as they talked to him
and as they heard his memories.
I watched as they shed tears for him.
I heard my 9 year old tell him
"its so sad.
But you will see him again,
and he's happy
in heaven waiting."
I was amazed at their ability
to emphathize with his pain,
and reflect on their only loss
and share in his grief.

Do we give our children enough credit?
Do we daily realize that we have
in our homes
little people
with gifts,
and hearts,
and above all
the ability to give back
and show love for others!

I learnt from my litle girls..tonight!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I love Fridays!!

except its Thusday!

However, my children have no school Friday.
And as I am a pre K teacher
no school for me either!

So, today feels like a Friday!
and I feel so relaxed.
The kids have the TV on..
a no no during the week.

I am on the computer, guilt free
another rare weekday thing...
I have plans with them tomorrow...
and it feels like a holiday!

In my past life, (meaning old marraige)
I was always with my children..
Monday was not much different from Saturday
except their dad was home....
My schedule was the same...
my housework was the same...
my time with my kids was the same...
my stress level was the same...

In my new life,
Monday - friday passes pretty fast!
As a working mom
time (especially home) is short..
as a single mom
time is scarce.

So weekends are exciting!!
and spring break cause for celebration!
and for the first time ever..
I have a vacation planned
alone with my kids..
a week..
no work..
no housework..
JUST me and the kids!

And before now,
I never knew how good the expectation of that
would feel!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

the good, the better and the over the top..

Its amazing'
how in one day
so much can happen
and how in one weekend
extremes on both sides
can be felt.

I think that is the most dramatic thing
about a life changing event
the turmoil can be so devastating
but the good moments
are so appreciatted
and make so much difference
in the course of a day...

Where the children and I will live
has been a stress,
to say the least.
Today a solution came through
a home that will be as good as ours..
a place to call our own...
a yard for chickens,
a cat..
should I say goat out loud??:)
a home that is sooooo me..
it comes with lots of work,
but most good things do!
and it brings peace and excitement
and I get to breathe...
knowing that a basic need;
'a roof over our head'
has been met in a wonderful way....

In addition
my son..whom I love dearly
has refound his place.
its so hard when children are brought along for the ride
he had just found a group of friends
and we moved..fled.
Well he has refound his niche...
and I feel like all the puzzle pieces
are starting to fall into place.
And for today..

it is enough!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

the good, the bad...and the uh-oh!

The good this weekend has been time with friends...
Daddies weekend..
and I enjoy the friendships
some old , some new
that become priority when I have the time....

the bad....
sometimes the aloneness..
the time to think!
I am fine at home...alone
I am fine with friends...
but in a crowd
or in a car....
I feel sad!
I feel a contemplative heaviness
and a heart that feels to big for my body..
And when I have time to just think..
I reflect and ponder
on sometimes nothing at all
and yet something in my heart is just not right....

the uh-oh...
I spent my alone time at the mall!
Fortunatly, I can do not do much damage
and the children are now a few pairs of shorts richer
BUT I can see how easy it would be
to loose yourself
in the temporary moment...
I am learning my weakness
in those low moments...
some it might be men,
some wine,
some food...
well, its the mall...:)
BUT, I overcame it to most degrees

and now the weekend is over.
real life begins...
and the time to hurt and reflect
will now be put on hold
as the buisness of being a mom
takes top billing....

Friday, March 20, 2009

so simple..yet SO huge

I was speaking with a friend ..
she is in the initial stages of a broken heart..
her pain is raw
her future uncertian
Her path not chosen...

as we spoke of the hurt
and the percieved hopelessness
I KNEW this..
the day the realization and reality begins
is the first day and the worst day..
each day from that moment on
is a day closer to being whole ;
each day brings you......
towards the light
and the hope
and the blessing of surviving!

It is true..about time!
It still hurts!
anyone who has lost a piece of your heart,
knows it hurts..
and it will always hurt.

BUT it will not always be raw!
It will not always close your throat
and make it hard for you to swallow!
It will not always feel like a physical tearing
It will not always rip you in two
or bring you to your knees in pain!

It will fade...
sometimes to an ache
sometimes to a throb
and sometimes you will have to remind
yourself that its even there..

each day is a day closer
a better and stronger and healthier tomorrow!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Just a bit........

I know I am grieving..
I just wonder which stage I am in
One divorce sucks you dry and breaks you, what does two do??
I guess I will find out as I go...

I missed not a person
but a relationship
the person you call about the stuff
no-one else gets!!
It made me sad...
and so now I am dissecting my grief

5 stages of grief;

stage 1 ) denial
I lived that! I remember VIVIDLY being in my room ;
when my husband of 15 years had left..
and my world had rocked off its foundation!
I remember thinking
' we will be fine! its us!! It will work out'.
It did not! it was not fine...

Stage 2) anger
This might be one I have to revisit here and there! I have had moments..
but I tend to forgive and move through anger
and sometimes that is not as healthy as it sounds!
BUT, I did do my share towards the end of yelling
and crying and accusing...
and being angry!
So..I don't think I am stuck here...
just maybe I did not stay there long enough..

Stage 3)Bargaining.
I am through this...
but remember..
the begging..
the desperation..
of all stages this one brings the least 'self -respect'
This one can cause me to cringe
in memory
of truelly being willing to do whatever it would take..
and this one makes me grateful the bargaining did not work!
This stage is over!

Stage 4) Letting Go
I think in some ways I am still here in this stage..a little...
I think thats what hurts like today are about...
I have let got of the love and devotion...
I have let go of the future
and the plans and the goals..
to some degree I have released the memories
BUT some how...I still hold on....just a bit
to the place in my heart
that is empty...
I hold on...just a bit...
to what it was to be loved
and safe
and secure.
And sometimes...I hold on... Just a bit..
to the feeling
of knowing I was not alone...
So, AS I work through this
and accept this I know
where in the journey I am.

and the next stage

Stage 5) acceptance...
is just around the corner
waiting for me with open arms!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

incomplete? or un-noticed?

Is something incomplete
if you did not know anything was missing?
Can you still define it as being inadequate-
or not enough
if for you, at the time, it was more then you expected
and all you needed?

I often say about my past...
that this was all for the best!
In hindsight I see
that really there was alot
the connection was incomplete, as best
the desire for what we had
one sided;
the love held back

and so I know
that there is MORE out there
or even MORE alone
because what was- was not much...
and yet....

I only know that now!
At the time
I did not know better-
so it felt full...
and good...
it made me happy...
and content...

so while now I speak with confidence
that this is better
I still wonder if thats truth.
It is... what it is!
I have no regrets .
but if this was not what it is
and the past was still in place;
I would not be saying
that the end should come,
so can i now say it was not enough?
if then it was all that I needed?

Just thinkin......

Sunday, March 15, 2009

better? going backwards? or part of the process...?

I am struck by so much these days
I am struck by the fact
that healing a hurt
is physical!
That who I am today
is 'healthier' then 4 months ago
in a visible, physical, emotional and phsychological way!

I am also struck by the fact
that as healthy as I feel,
I have so far to go

Sometimes I wonder..
will I ever get past the 'moments'
of memories that hurt?
Will I always hear a song that strikes a chord-
and be taken back
even for a moment?

I am struck by all this
because I no longer grieve the past.
I no longer regret the path my life took,
I no longer long for what is no more -
So why do I still remember so vividly?

I cry for the past
even though my present is peaceful!
I cry for the memories
and I cry for the pain.

But I relish the future
and I walk with purpose towards it...

But, as I do,
I realize-
That always
there will be moments
in which I will look back....
and I will remember
and I will hurt for a minute...
Then I will lift my chin
take a step,
and once again walk away
from the past-
and towards the hope
the future holds!

Friday, March 13, 2009

she did it again...

My child managed to make me smile..
and if all i have to write about is her..
life could be worse!!

Tonight we were with my sister!
as most families go,
there are different rules
one home to another...

My rule..(one of many, LOL)
no coffee...ever...ok ..not ever BUT not until your older!
I drink coffee and LOVE coffee
and was actually raised on coffee
BUT did not sleep my entire senior year!
Maybe because of all the coffee?? coffee for the kids in my home.
My neice gets to have some of her moms coffee.

So..the scene;
we are at my sisters
sister and I are drinking coffee
Neice come up to my sister and asks for coffee
and gets a yes!
Daughter comes up to me and asks for coffee and gets a

My daughter pulls my neice aside and whispers?
" So how do you make her do it??"

I loved it!
and it made me think...
if life were only so easy, right?
Rules were only there until you figured out the key
to make the rulers change their mind!

Having lived under control
I am so grateful for the ability
to remain 'un-maked' (my word for you can't make me!)
beg, cry, push , pull...
and I will stand!
Unbroken, unbent, un-makeable! (yes, another made up word! :))

Today it is coffee..
who knows...

And bigger
I will learn that these 'rules'
can apply in love as well!
And I can be the one holding the cards...
instead of the one bending
to make it all ok!
I can remain 'un maked'!
I can remain me!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

TOO cute to ignore!

My 7, 9 and 11 year old were having a heated discussion
the merits of private school!
They believe they should attend private school
as they believe that children in private school
would never, ever curse!
and sadly, they have now heard cursing...

anyway.. my 7 yo said"the kids in my class don't curse"
My 9 yo said " thats because you are in 1st grade".
7 yo said " well actually, one boy does curse!"
and she gets big eyed and indignant!
Hand on her hips she says
" the other day he called 'gina' a BIGHEAD!!!! "
We faked suitable amazement at the awfulness of the curse word!
and she nodded gravely at the injustice...

and I...
wanted to eat her up!!
In that moment I saw her not just;
with her sass and cuteness
and desire to grow up...
I saw my baby!
My 7 year old....
who still is just that!
and who one day will know that BIG HEAD
is not really a 4 letter word
but I hope will still be just as indignant
over the offense!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Another lightbulb went off

I realized recently that I have some serious issues with trust and fear...
I realized however sometimes these fears bring on anxiety and reactions...
I will drive by somewhere that holds a memory
my chest will tighten
I will struggle to get a breath....

This is new....
it made me take action..
for me that is in the form of research
and reading
certainly counseling....

Books can be good and bad!
BAD, for example, I did not fear dying alone
until...I read in the book that its common
to worry about that!
GREAT...that one had not crossed my mind...

BUT , the good....
I worry about trusting a man..
how could I?
How would I know truth from fiction?
and yet, the lightbulb, as I was reading...
I don't have to trust a man!!
I have to learn to trust me!
When I trust my gut feelings
my instincts
my desires
When I trust my wants
my hopes
my dreams..
When I learn to trust me!
To say no when I am uncomfortable
To walk away when something feels wrong
To know that I don't need to accept the unacceptable...
Then I need not worry about trust!
It is a non-issue!

how freeing is that!!!!!??

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I am sick...

And yet...
there is an upside!!

I spent the afternoon on the couch with my kiddos
The day on the couch with my 9 yo who is sick too...
I read and drifted in and out of sleep..
and I ignored everything but the needs of my 3 young uns!

And when the evening came
and I looked at the piled up dishes
and the unswept floor
and the unfolded clothes...

I grinned!!

No-one is coming home to catch
me in this disaster!

So it can wait,
until another day!
The kids and I don't mind!!

The upside of being single...LOL!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

redefining family

My blog is my journal...
as I face new things I write them here!
One day I will forget..
or one day someone will ask..
and I will have this to refer too..
memories to reference!

Tonight what is on my mind is redefining 'family'.
When you are married , 'family' means ALL of you,
hubby, you and kiddos!
And often planned family occasions are put off
until you can all be together!
BBQs are weekend affairs!
Nice restaurants are visited when all are able to go together..
Dinners outside or by candlelight
are reserved for those special gatherings
when all of you can be there!

As a married woman,
alot revolved around 'the man'!
(NOT A BAD THING!) there is NO man...
So now,
Dinners by candelight are me and the kids!
Restuarant dinners are an occasion planned by me alone
Family is redefined!

Tonight as I sat outside with my children
and we enjoyed the weather
and dinner on the porch
and I mourned, for a moment, what this USED to look like
and I remembered for a minute, what this WOULD have been
and then I looked around MY table
at my 3 children
and realised;

this is it baby!
Its on you!
You are their family

They are yours!

These moments are mine to claim
and If I don't claim them...
no one else will!

Family has been redefined!
Now, I have to step up to the task
create those memories
and moments
around MY family table.....

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Just one day.. but one really good day!


was a good day!

Better then so many ways!
and yet for me alot of days are why today?

Well, this is my weekend with out the kids! AHHHH you say! That must be it! However, the catch... on this weekend without the kids...I chose to take time with my kids! And it made it a wonderful day....

My son, I took to lunch!! A date with my sweet 11 year old...we walked through some stores, picniced in the park..then swung and giggled on the swings! I WILL never forget those moments with him!! They touched my heart so deeply!I even tried to talk to him about the 'curiousities' of being almost 12 and the 's' word! To which he sweetly said " mom, this really needs to wait until I am older.." ummm...ok..!

My daughters and I went tonight to support a girlfiends daughter in a beauty pageant! The first that either I or my daughters had seen...a nice night! We cuddled and talked... and snacked on frenchfries on the ride back to their dads.....

And in all of this what made this day so good was the balance..I had some time for me as they are with their dad...But also the time with them..

BUT overall, what made today truelly 'special' was the reminder that I could choose to be without them, yet desired to be with them! The recognition that in many ways..they complete me...and all is right with my world when they are with me! BUT, also the security of knowing that when the day comes to an end, and this is not 'my weekend', I am OK. I LOVE being with my children...but I am OK not being with them. They are safe with their dad..happy in their 2nd home...and I can refresh, ponder, clean:) and relax..and look forward to their return!

Life is so good when there is balance.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Finding a little of 'me' in the oddest place

I know that I am on a journey that involves many things...
one of those things is finding myself..
but even bigger;
REfinding myself!!

I am, in many ways, 'little house on the praire ' at heart, throw in tree hugger, whale lover, save the world, vegetarian and you get a small picture of who I am! OR at least who i used to be!

In the role I lived in my old life 'stay at home, traditional, homeschooling wife and mom' ..I could do all the 'earthy' things I loved! I juiced, attempted gardens, even made jam (only once! LOL)..picked strawberries and blueberries in patches..spent time in parks and at lakes... I embraced nature with my children by raising butterflies and tadpoles... I LOVED IT!!

When I lost my 'role' I thought I had lost that part of me! Mostly because I did not know how it fit with my new schedule..and the craziness of raising 3 kids alone, on a daily basis. And also because I lost a little hope and the way I looked at the world became a little jaded!!

And then yesterday..on a field trip with my daughter I found a piece of my tree hugging old the form of.........
yes.... 1000 of the little suckers!
I am now a certified, recycler in the healthiest way possible with my own garbage disposal of nature loving earthworms!
And I could not be happier!!
because I discovered that below all the changes and all the craziness and business! Below all the loss and sadness, below all the fears I sometimes have...below all the life I live now...
I am still me! I may be a bit jaded but I am as kooky as always!:) And can still get as excited as a 4 year old over a bucket of worms and the possibility of saving the person..or worm at a time!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Because we need a little lightness...

This was a 'note' going around on facebook!
The idea is that you ask your children the questions and you wrote what they say...
it was cute!
And I tell you, it was the brightest spot in my see their hearts for a moment!

Answered by:Tristan-11Shyla-9Brenna-7

1. What is something mom always says to you?
trist- take care of patronum
shy-thankyou sweetheart
bren-i love you

2. What makes mom happy?
tris- when i get a's on my report cards
shy-coffee! (yes..she said that!)
bren-when we are quiet when you are on the phone

3. What makes mom sad?
trist- when i forget to take care of the pets
shy-when we get hurt
bren-when I got a big cut on my head-10inches in my head (bit of an exageration)

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
trist-when she tells a joke
shy-you tickle me
bren-when you say a funny word (she means my accent)

5. What was your mom like as a child?
trist-a child of God
shy-never wore stuff inappropriatte (ok if you knew me in highschool DON'T laugh!!)
bren-i bet very nice, very sweet, and like a princess in God's eyes.

6. How old is your mom?
trist-45 (laughing)

7. How tall is your mom?
trist-5 foot 6
bren-6 plus 3(I am 5'3")

8. What is her favorite thing to do
trist-watch american idol
shy-spending time with us
bren-loving us

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
trist-teaches 2 years old
sshy-she goes to movies and drinks coffee
bren-talks on the phone and thinks about us

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
trist-stopping poaching (i loved this answer!)
shy-by running a christain rock band
bren-your pretty look (I swear I don't put her up to it...she's up to something!!)

11. What is your mom really good at

12. What is your mom not very good at?
trist-cooking perfect meals
bren-not drinking coffee

13. What does your mom do for her job?
trist-teaches 2 years and sells ads
shy-she goes on the radio and sells ads
bren-thats what I was gonna say

14. What's your mom's favorite food?
shy-does coffee count?
bren-egg soup?

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
trist-she is very good with the pets
shy-she sticks up for God and is always doing whats best for us
bren-that she teaches 2 years olds and she's really loving

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
trist-sponge bob , he is a bit naive. (yes my 11 yo said that about me)
shy-wanda-the nagging girl! (no hesitation!!)
bren-minnie mouse

17. What do you and your mom do together?
trist-watch american idol
bren-shopping with me too

18. How are you and your mom the same?
trist-we have the same last name, that pretty much all there is
shy-we both like chocolatte
bren-we both like to sing

19. How are you and your mom different?
trist-easy, i eat meat she's a vegetarian
shy-she does not eat fish, i do
bren-I don't have moles! no offense... (thanks bren , none taken)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
trist-she says so
shy-she punishes us
bren-she punishes us, kisses us and says so

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
shy-a coffee shop
bren-a zoo!!!

these are the reasons its alllllllll worth while!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The simple truth

We are all in this boat...

Who knew how hard life really was
or how much we each are hurting

who knew that those around were in pain
and could not say
Who knew that life would bring such hurts
and truth would sometimes break us
who knew that in the end
God is the only one who can save us

who knew that life would be this way
and life could be so cruel
who knew that we would toss and turn
and cry out in despair
who knew??

God did
he sent his son..
He knew that we would need him now
he knew that we would drown
he knew that life held so much pain
he knew that we would ache and cry
he knew that we would call out in the dark
without hope or cause to try
He knew that he could save us
and he sent his son to say
my child you need not cry in vain
I love you I am here!

He's come!
the one to turn the tide
to take the pain away
he's come to save a dying world
and he's come to take my hurt and pain
he's come because I need him now
he's come to be the one
he's come to take the life I live
and make it something more
he's come
and now because he's here
I know
I'll be OK!

Monday, March 2, 2009

the highs and lows

I am amazed at how high the highs are ..
and how low the lows!

I think the biggest surprise is that the lows
seem to catch me unaware...

they wait in the shadows
until I am distracted, unconcerned, beginning to take tentative steps..
and they cut me down at the knees.

The lows are so low!
so sudden
so sad
so empty
so dark...

and then just as fast
the tears all cried
the anger all spent
the emotions exhausted
the lows are gone
now the middle ground is here..
and soon there will be highs that will lift me above the sadness
and remind me how good life really is!

The highs in my life come
when I breathe free air
and hug my children
and spend time with family and friends
the highs in my life are greater then the lows by far

But the lows....
somehow catch me when I am least expecting it!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Who gets the friends??

One of the hardest things about a divorce is the split of loyalties...

Some are friends, his friends...
some are more gray..our friends!

But, there is no doubt that so many are affected
when 2 people reach the end of the road...

I have found that some friends and family stayed neutral.
Some were too angry to do anything but stay angry..
some have healed and let go as they have watched me heal and let go..

Some have stood on principal..
and some have stood in love!

But, the friendships I have now are so different from friendships in the past.
Those who were my friends then and are still my freinds now
have had to adjust to a new, more fragile at times, more jaded at others, me...
Those who were couple friends
now know me 'coupleless'.

All in all the friendships that survived are the ones that have carried me...
and the friendships rekindled are the ones i would have missed the most if lost..

In the end, it all worked out
just the way it was meant to...
God's pretty good that way! :)

a season.....

I have a few days this weekend that reminded me of what life used to be..
a day with my girls at a fieldtrip...
I walked with my girls,
spent time with a fellow mom/friend...
had taken the day off work, and had no other worries..

This was what my life used to look like.

In my past I took this for granted...
In my present I appreciatte every moment!

I wonder if my heart will ever stop longing for what was,
when it comes to my children?
what is, is really not that bad!
They are happy enough in their schools...
I am with them every night....
I pick them up after school, something I know I am blessed to do..

and yet, I still remember what it was to wake with them...
and have the day....
the whole day to fill with our thoughts and books and dreams and games....

In many ways its bigger then a change of 'jobs'..
its watching them grow, and watching them change..
and knowing wether I am home with them as I was...
or away during the days as I am...
this season is passing!
and I am not sure I am ready to let go!