Sunday, May 31, 2009

Fresh start, award, new home..LIFE IS GOOD!!

Thankyou Breeze at for this award!! I comment because I find your poems to be breathtaking...and when I visit your site I always leave thinking and pondering and inspired!! Thankyou for the award, made my day!!!:)

So, after days of not blogging I am back ..
I was gone..because..I finally...
A FRESH start!!
A NEW (to us) home....
NEW paint
NEW carpets..
NEW bedding...
NEW Bird feeders in the back yard....
NEW towels in the bathroom..
NEW potholders in the kitchen..
and it all combines
for a NEW out look!!
A place of literally getting to say good bye to the past!
Today I handed over the keys..
to a home...
I built!
I picked the counters
and cabinets
and light fixtures.....
I painted with friends,
the kids rooms...
and the attic held my love letters
and baby shoes..
a home that was my childrens
for 6 years...
I handed over the key..
thinking I might also be handing over my heart,
BUT NO....
it did not hurt!
I am past that place,
I have grieved this..
and at some point I moved on!
So, as I looked back one last time..
I looked back fondly at the pink kitchen counter...
and smiled in memory at the painted green living room..
and walked away lighter...
to the home that is now ours!
the home that holds memories to come...
and most importantly,
the home that holds my children!
Life is good!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

so changed...

This week has been enormous
in terms of acceptance
and realizations!

To start...
I have taken the time to
truelly reflect
on not just the hurt
of the past 3 years,..
but also the blessings that have come as a result!

In doing this
I was able to look at the relationships
and find my purpose
both within them
and without them...

My first marraige...
I reflected on...
I see the gifts and moments
that were mine
and I am thankful for those!
I am thankful that
for 9 years
I was a stay at home mom...
I am thankful that
I was able to spend
so much time with my kids...
that is a gift I was given..
a gift they were given...
something that was because of whom
I was with..
and something that I would not be the same without!

My second marraige
the gift was not within the relationship
but instead when I left!
Because of this relationship,
I learnt to be alone..
because of this relationship
I learnt to be independent...
because of this relationship
I am stronger then I was 2 years ago..
I am at peace with my 'singleness'
I am OK with being alone..
That is a gift that came from my second relationship!

In looking at the blessings...
I was more free to begin to let go of the hurts!

And then after a week of reflecting...
and making peace..
and focusing on the good...not just the bad...
I realised today..
the guilt is gone..
the feeling of fear is gone..
the responsibility I carried on my shoulders
for the breakdown of 2 marraiges
is no longer there...
I have forgiven myself for not seeing more clearly,
for making mistakes..
for being human.

I have found freedom
from the inside out....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Letting go!!

the past and the present collided!
This has been 6 months
of emotions..
good and bad!
It has been a journey
of trails and triumphs...

It has been a journey back..
and a look forward!
Tonight the closure came...
The man whom owned my heart...
The man who then broke my heart...
Who is also the father of our 3 children..
was over tonight to help my son...

A converstation started..
as many post divorce conversations can go...
it got a bit heated...
and then it got deep...
tears were shed..
anger expressed...
truth exposed,
from both sides!
I learnt things I did not know..
I learnt frustrations I caused..
and I shared reactions to things I felt were
done to me....
Some of what was shared
was normal in marraige..
and the saddest part
is maybe, just maybe, it could have been
dealt with in marraige...
some of what was shared
was the death of feelings and hope
on both sides...
Some was hurt from the past..
Some hurt from the present..
Some was known by each...
and Some came as a surprise..
Some intentional..
Some not....
But all of it brought closure I believe!
I am sad, and I am hurt!
In truth....I am deeply heart broken....
I wish things had happened differently..
I wish that maybe we WERE meant to be..
or maybe we had never happened to begin with...
OR maybe I just wish that this pain will pass
and I will just be glad for the moments..
and blessed by the kids...
and will harbor only memories..
no regrets!

I guess thats what the journey is..
the moments you wish had never happened..
the moments you can't imagine living without...
and the moment when you realize both serve their purpose
and all the moments hold a place in your heart...

And so it is time..
it is time to let go..
time to truelly move on...
knowing deeply now
that hope was never mine to hold..
that the past is viewed by each alone..
And that no amount of words
will change the hurt...
on either part..
and no amount of understanding
will take away the sadness...
but in time..
in time...
in time....
letting go begins...
Today, I feel that my letting go...

Monday, May 18, 2009

Traumatic or Theraputic?

This has been a hard few days...
and yet I think its needed...
It seems that the finalization of the divorce
left room in my heart..
for all the hurts yet un-explored.
As if the 'closure' of one
ripped open the wounds of another!

I am not stuck in those feelings..
But I do realise that many were
shoved aside, ignored, or denied..
because it hurt to much
and the truth was too ugly!

Many around me said
I never got angry!
Many were concerned
at my instant forgiveness
when my husband of 14 1/2 years left...
at the time I knew that I loved him
too much to not forgive!
I knew also that anger changed nothing..
and that the children would benefit from grace!
Thats all true..
and yet, I am learning that you cannot just
let anger go..
you must allow yourself to feel it;
face it;
and then overcome it!
The alternative is a form of denial
and eventually you will succumb to it..
like it or not!

And yet..anger for me has not come..
its come in flashes..and bursts..
but nothing earth shattering!
And then out of the blue..
in a normal moment..
it hit me!
How could he???
how could a man leave his wife and home after 14 years?
Knowing he had promised her forever?
Knowing she trusted him completely with her heart
and future?
knowing she had never worked,
as she had devoted herself to the kids...?
knowing she had never loved another..?
knowing she was scared to death
and would do anything to keep the family
knowing she truelly had no clue how to make it
Knowing his children were devastated and desperate
to stop the events occuring??
how do you walk out?
and if you is that OK!???

I felt it!! FINALLY!! almost 3 years later!
The indignation!
The anger!
The injustice!
The total selfishness and wrongness of the act!
and it hurt like hell!!
It hurt to face truth about someone
you loved so completely
It hurt to feel the depth of the betrayal and rejection!
It hurt to face the reality of the behavior!
And I wish I could say it hurt
but feels great now!
NO, it still hurts!
BUT, it hurts in moments now..
it is not a state of being!
The truth is freeing..
and once faced the forgiveness I have given
is truelly mine to give!

I am still glad for the amiacable 'relationship'.
I am still on 'friendly' terms with his love...
I am just no longer in denial about what happened
nor do I make excuses in my heart
as to why it happened!
It was a hurtful thing for one person to do to another!
It was an act that hurt our children
and changed our future!
It was an act that benefited only the person
committing the the time!

And yet...
As God promises...
good has come!
I no longer regret the choices..
or wish for a different outcome!
BUT, I see that in order to become whole..
I must take each hurt and emotion
and face it!
I am broken...but no longer completely!
And as I feel the stabs and cuts of betrayal and hurt..
and as I face head on the anger and resentment..
I become whole..
little by little
piece by piece..
and I believe one day a faint scar
will be all thats left
to remind me of the journey..
and path I followed...
to beome whole and complete!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Its official...

My divorce is final..
I am now single again..again!

I thought I would feel more
then I do..
for 6 months I have needed
this resolution...
For 6 months I have been bullied,
on edge..
and yet also
indifferent in moments,
knowing that allowed me
to hold onto my power..
and strength!
and yet, the papers come..
the moment arrives..
and its just another day!
Sure I am relieved..
but I thought I would leap for joy..
instead I feel reflective...
but, its another day.

And then I realized why..
my moment of freedom came
6 months ago..
when I made a huge step
and fled without warning
and with nowhere to go...
When I took back my life
and refused to be mistreated
and hurt
and controlled
and yelled at
and cursed at
and put down
and punished
and threatened
and fearful..
for another day!
and I did something
that to this day
I can't believe I found the will
to actually do..
I walked away!
That moment
I was free!
In that moment
I regained my power..
my will...
and my soul...
That day was monumentous..
That day was unforgettable..
life changing...
and a moment in time
forever ingrained on my heart..

so, today...its official..
I am free on paper..
but 6 months ago
I became free
heart, body and soul...
and so the celebration began then...
today just brought closure...
and tomorrow brings a new forever!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mothers day..sweetly bittersweet!

As Mothers days go..
mine was pretty amazing!
My children took it upon themselves
to show me love...
and appreciation!
They did not have anyone
who took them to shop,
or helped them plan..
so they did it themselves.
Homemade cards,
a speech written by my middle daughter,
a muffin with a stick in place of a candle.
A rousing rendition of
'she's a jolly good fellow'
and a sweet and loving text message sent
from their bedroom
to me in the living room!
Everything a mothers day should be...
That was very sweet!

The bittersweet came as I sat in church..
and realized the singleness of being 'just me'
the snapshots of mothers days past played in my mind..
My first mothers day...
my son just 2 days old!
His dad bringing me cute cards
from my new born...
Mothers days when they were small
when what I desired most was a break..
and what I appreciatted most was
being taken care of..for a day..
I remembered the very bittersweet memory..
a mothers day
the year my marraige ended...
the card from the flowers I was sent..
and the 'love ya' signed at the bottom....
where past cards said
"I love you..forever"..
that mothers day card
that was actually a dead give away..
but it only made sense later..
a card that hung on my fridge for a year
as I searched for clues...

The memories
of the past..
The sweetness
of the present...
and The hope
in the future...
all wrapped up in 24 hours...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My son...12 years old...

Happy birthday Son!
I love you...I am proud of you.
You have been through heartache..
in your young life..
you have learnt that promises can be broken..
hearts can be shattered...
lives can be damaged...
but, you have also learnt that
strength comes
when you need it most.
Love repairs the broken..
and God sustains the weak,
You now know that life is hard..
but so worth living...
You've seen your mother cry..
and you've held her in her pain..
You have watched your sisters sob..
and cried along with them.
And in these moments
you became a man.
A man who can protect,
BUT also a man who can cry.
A man who can defend..
BUT also a man who loves with compassion...
A man who can stand up to a challenge,
BUT also a man whose worth is found within his heart!
Your lessons have been hard my son..
Your road has been a rough one..
But the lessons learned
and the love you own..
and the life that is yours.
makes the lessons
worth the pain..
I pray that one day you will see that.
and I pray that in this moment you will know..
You are loved by your father above..
and you are loved by your mother on earth..
You are my heart beat, my son...
my first born..
the first real breath I ever took
was the first time I held you in my arms..
Thankyou for sharing my life..
and my heart!
Forever and always,
Your mom

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

a birthday.. sad and happy at the same time

My son..
my first born..
turns 12 tomorrow!

I remember clearly
the day I knew I was pregnant..
I remember just as clearly the day
I knew I would be holding my baby ...

I always think back
on birthday eve's
to all the birthdays past..
but most of all
to the 'birthday' that changed my life.

I am so grateful for the memories..
grateful for my son..
excited about the day I will have tomorrow
with him..
as he plays hooky from school..
and I from work
to have a day..just us...

I am proud of who he is!
The man he is becoming.
I love his heart
and his spirit..
I am touched by his weakness
and amazed at his strengths!

I love being his mom!
and all these emotions
are housed within my heart..

But also, within the walls of my heart
beats the emotion of sadness...
at knowing that these memories
are now only mine..
the 'remember when'
is now for me to tell..
not share.
Because the only witness to the memory..
the only 'other' in the story..
chose to walk away..
and leave me on these birthday eve's
alone in my memories
of the day I became a mom!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Parenting pitfalls single..

OK !Thats a mouthful!
BUT, I find single parenting exhausting..
and yes this has surprised me!
Heres why..
I was a stay at home, home schooling mom
for 11 years.
I was pretty much it when it came to
rules, enforcement, schooling, ect..
their dad was often gone..
sometimes school...
sometimes work..
sometimes play...
but often gone!
I sometimes felt single married..
and yet...its different!

then yesterday I got it!
ONE of those 'aha' moments!
When it is just you..
just one...
your kids know you.
They know your weakness..
your buttons..
your inconsistancies..
your empty threats.
They know your threshhold..
and so, as yours is the only threshhold
that now comes into play..
you are always being pushed there!
When there is another body in the home..
their threshhold is different..
and probably on different things!
So some things are moot and you are never
even close to your threshhold
and the other 'adult' already hit theirs..
and your kids know it!
some things are balanced
and your children are thrown off
just a bit
as to who might be pushed too far..
because there are 2 grown ups to figure out!

But one??
easy for them to divide and conquer!
and so they know..
how far is too far,
but they will meet you at that line
each and every time..
and I only just got this!

I have a game plan:)
I have not surrendered...
and I understand that life..
is about growing with your circumstances..
my children have changed...
I must change to meet the circumstances.
I must become what they need
and find the solid footing
that I need...

and I must learn to say what I say..
mean what I mean..
because they smell my weakness
and go for the kill....

ok..slightly dramatic! LOL!!
its tough tho...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Caught unaware...

Today in church
the pastor used the phrase
"so that we won't be caught unaware"
the phrase struck me
and hit my heart...
tears immediatly formed
and I realised and felt the hurt
that comes when you are not
expecting it.

I think in loss
its always hard.
BUT I believe its the moments
that truelly catch us unprepared
that we take the longest to recover from.

My first marraige...
was truelly a
'caught unaware' moment!
I never expected him to leave...
ironically I did expect him to stray..
and the reason that
a marraige ending
and a man straying
were seen as such different things
to me..
at that time..
is a whole other topic.
But, I believed he would stray
but stay.
I believed that men NEVER leave
for the mistress...
I believed that the life
and family
I protected so carefully
was safe..
no matter the hurts in the path ahead!
However, I was wrong..
and the shock
still catches my breath in moments!
I was hurt by all that happened..
rejected and betrayed..
but in the 'unseen' events
I was devastated.

In my second marraige...
I saw the control..
thought I could handle it...
saw the jeolousy..
thought it would get better...
I saw the perfectionism and obsession..
thought..who knows..what I thought..
but while those things became too much,
they never surprised me..
instead I was dissapointed at the extent
and the damage done..
but what I never saw coming?
A few weeks into the marraige..
first fight..
and this man,
who had possesed me with 'supposed' love..
and treated me like a treasured artpiece...
in our 'courting' days...
began to cuss and scream,
he called me names,
he called me worthless..
inadequate,unintelligent and worse...
he threatened...
he accused..
he used past hurts as weapons....
He became my worst nightmare...
I will never forget that first time..
there were many that followed..
and it got worse not better...
but I was numb by then..
that first time I was in shock
that someone who loved me would say those things,
that any person could talk to another that way..
That a man could be so angry, scary, and volitiale..
a man in whose home I now lived...
That I had been so blindsided..
and while it all compounded..
the true hardening of my heart
began in that moment that I was caught unaware...

and NOW I wonder,
how fear of being blindsided again..
will not prevent me
from taking a chance?
if you are caught unaware twice..
what are the chances that you can make the right choice?
what prevents
a hurt so deep my heart still bleeds...
from happening
in an unexpected moment...

I know you can't predict!
But I can't pretend
that I am not guarded
and scared...
because I truelly believe
the worst hurt..
is being caught