Friday, July 31, 2009

a real friday night..the cure for the humdrums??

I am still getting the hang of this
single-again mom thing!:)
and this working, single mom thing..
and this kids are preteens now thing..
and.. get the picture!!

Sometimes all is smooth
and sometimes not so much..
but tonight I realized that
one aspect
that I have let go in the routine
is the basic 'Friday night veg out'!

Back in my old life..
when I was home all day with the kids
the weekend were my time to relax
with family!
I did this with no guilt!
and of course, while a stay at home moms life is busy
the house work tends to be part of the gig..
and often is done during the week!
now logistically it has to wait until the weekend..
so it seems I get a head start
and Friday nights are more of the same! more!
Its Friday night!
I plan on putting the kids to bed on time:)
putting my feet up..
reading a good book...
or even watching something meaningless on TV!
I ordered us a pizza and will skip the stair stepper!!:)

I wonder if just letting myself
let it all go
will be the first step
in finding my footing again!
Because I was pretty steady on my feet,
but have defiantly hit some rocky ground!

So, we will start here...
Thank goodness its Friday, right??

Thursday, July 30, 2009

some days you climb the wall..some days you hit it!

Seems this week I have hit it!
Just too tired to think!
and yet this is not a normal state of being for me..
I wonder why I am so burnt out??

I think that the summer coming to an end plays a part!
This is the second summer I have worked with my kids out of school.
This one was great however,
in that my kids got blessed by the hard work!
We had vacations and camps...
treats and fun...
the hard work so worth it!
BUT, as its drawing to an end..
I think the anticipation of evenings at home...
is starting to mount!

I look forward to the normal teaching schedule..
and the routine of daily life!
Maybe, I am just happens!:)
But, for whatever reason..
today..this week..
is a week in which cleaning the kitchen is an accomplishment
getting laundry done is cause for celebration
and the hot meals just icing on the cake!!:)

The great part...
each day is new...
each moment now history...
and relief is just around the corner!!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Keeping it all real...

Today was almost as bad as yesterday..
driving to get the tire..
the engine made an awful noise!
Got to the garage just in time...

However, The garage was owned by an old family friend,
He gave me a price break!
When the car started having issues I was a few minutes away..
yesterday when the tire blew..
within minutes someone who knew me
passed by
and stopped to help..

These are just a few examples
there are many
moments when it all feels wrong
but if you look hard
you will see
that there is alot more right!

The small things that get you through
big things!
The small things are the real moments
the big things sometimes consume us..
and yet if we stop..
just for a second
and start looking at the details around the event..

How much worse could it have been?
How much harder?
How much did the details protect or prevent??
How blessed are we
even in the moment that it all falls apart?

I am taking the time to look at the details..
and appreciate the moments
that make the disaster
just inconvenient
instead of catastrophic..
sort of like smelling the roses..
instead I am looking for the roses in the middle of the thorns...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

what a day....

This is how my day ended!!
You should have seen how it bagan..LOL!!

WOW!! Just when you think
you are at the end of your rope
you are reminded
that really you can endure
and overcome
so much more!!

today was a reminder
to take a step back
re-evaluate what I am doing
whats working
and whats not...

Breathe breathe breathe
and then take one more breath
and start again..

because tomorrow is another day!
and truelly
I have faced so many worse things
then a blown tire, messy house and busy schedule!

When it comes down to it..
its all about perspective!!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

why romantic movies mess me up...

and they do!
I keep going anyway..
then cry through them
and have to go somewhere to recover!
BUT why??
why does it hurt to watch 2 people fall in love??

Because they always end at the kiss
the moment,...
2 incompatible people...
often who feared commitment
who were deeply dysfunctional
in some way that makes for great comedy..
now fall in love..
kiss passionately
and then as in the fairy tales...
live happily ever after!!....NOT!

And thats what messes with my mind...
what happens next?
after the kiss?
when they can no longer agree?
when the quirks are not so cute?
and the differences between them not so funny?
do they stay in love?
that moment that made us all catch our breath
as we watch from our movie seats..
when does that disappear?
when does reality hit?
or is it possible for that kind of 'love' to be reality??

see..I just don't know!
I have fallen in love!
Once so completely it consumed me..
and once with reservations as my heart was no longer whole...
BUT both times
the kiss was the beginning of the end..
or, I would still be there right??

So when I watch a romantic movie..
thats all I can think of..
is OK, so what now???
what happens next??
and can it possibly last??
hmmm... I just don't know anymore!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

so much to share

I am back from a wonderful week!

I spent 3 days with my kids at the Nickelodeon hotel!
They were thrilled!
I spent 3 days at the beach alone..
with visits from my sister (above)
and friends...
it was wonderful!

As always..
I did lots of thinking..
lots of reading...
and lots of relaxing!

I realized some important things!
I accepted some truths!
I am able now to embrace the memories
and not run from them!
This is a big step!
In the past good memories caused as much pain
as bad ones!
NOW I can smile..I can remember...I can savor it a moment..
and then let it go!
BY doing this I was also able to realize a HUGE thing,
my marriage of 15 years has often, as of late,
seemed in vain!
Other then, of course, my children!
I had bought into the notion that it was all a lie..
feelings not real!
And yet, by honestly facing old memories
I have come to believe what those around me have constantly said..
I was loved!..Just not enough!
BUT at some point..the feelings were real!
IT was not ALL a farce..
and some of the memories are good
for a reason!
I can remember the cadence of our lives...
and know that it was in moments
a good life to live for both of us!
And that gives me peace!

I also realized that I do not miss either of the men I have loved...
Instead what I miss??
Is my belief in love!
My belief in forever!
It is not about mourning a person any longer,
or even the idea of that person..
that season has passed!
Instead I mourn the idea of an institution..
a state of being!
I wonder if I will ever feel 'real' love!
I know that I can love with out reserve..
but can I be loved that way??
and so I pondered that knowing
it is where I am...
but thankful at the place I am no longer in!

I was able to enjoy my time alone..
even with 'sad' moments!
I have come to understand that there will always be those!
Sometimes its moments of wishing for someone to share
in an event...
sometimes a moment remembering an event in the past..
but for now..
for this time in my life
I will have these moments!
Moments that make me catch my breath,
moments that I must breathe through!
They are interspersed in the moments that I live for!
The moments in which I realize my strength
the moments in which I value my truth
the moments in which my life is complete as is..
moments that mean I am alive..
I am free...
I have fight left in me
and a future to embrace!
And I would not trade any of them...
any of the moments..
the sad ones,
the angry ones..
the strong ones..
the peaceful ones..
because they, right now, make up who I am..
in this 'moment' in time!

and so a week away
has brought not just some refreshment
but also some peace..
and another step in the journey
of healing my heart,
forgiving completely,
becoming whole..
and living without reserve!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Off I go...again!

is the beginning of my 2nd week of summer vacation!
I planned two this summer
because I work more over the summer then during the year..
which is alot
as I work full time during the year!:)
So I built in some 'fun' breaks!
I also had planned one vacation with the kids..
and one vacation without!
BUT guess what!!??
I miss my kids!:)
Life is busy!
And while I am blessed as a teacher to see them a lot..
they come with me over the summer..
BUT between camps and fun classes..
and my work..
and time with their dad...
and time with their grandparents...
The 3 people in the world that I WANT to spend my ALONE vacation with??
my kiddos!!

SO, I compromised!!
2 nights at a resort that they have been DYING to go too!!
It will be a complete surprise,
they think they are spending the whole week with grammy and grandpa!!
(I can't wait to see their faces!!!)
Then 2 nights for me at the beach..
My best friend from high school is visiting the state with her kids...
so I will see her!!
and then my sister and friends will come hang out with me
for some 'girl' time...
walks on the beach...
and total relaxing!
OH and hopefully some sun!

And then the end of the week..
I get to come home..
and have 3 days alone...
to catch up, reflect, scrapbook
and just LOVE the life I have!!

These are the moments
I catch my breath
in total gratefulness!!
I never forget what it was to have my wings clipped..
and my choices stolen!
So, every day I remember that no matter what it holds..
the day is mine..
and I can choose to spend it as I wish..
what an amazing place to be!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Love my dog!

My family has grown again..this is Simba.
We adopted Simba , a golden retriever,
a month ago.
He weighs 70 far
and is 1 year old.

There are many great things about a big dog...
and there are some inconveniences.
We are working on those!

I wanted a dog that would be on alert..
I wanted a dog to keep us all company!
Simba does that...
on weekends without the kids;
Simba and I hang out...
and the kids love to walk him..
I take him running!
He is a great addition to the family!
(just don't ask the yorkie what he thinks!!)

When I first considered adding YET
another animal to our home...
it was mentioned that maybe....
one day...
I might...
just possibly...
meet someone!
and its a lot for another to accept...

to which I easily, happily, with no reservations say,
then who needs him??
I am in NO hurry to meet anyone...
I have not gone on a date and don't plan to
for a long while..
So, I have yet to really put a lot of thought
into what I may be looking for!

BUT I do know I am not looking to change or give over again!
I do know that they must
-love my Lord
-Love me
-Love my kids
-love my Dog, Ok 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 rabbit, 1 tortoise, 2 dragons and a handful of fish! LOL!!

I did think maybe I should be looking for a
except for the whole
'I don't eat meat thing..and would never want to meet and get to know
any animal that then might arrive in my kitchen for dinner'!!!
So, maybe a hippy, tree hugging, vegetable farmer??:)

well, Whatever the case I am in no rush..
but neither do I plan to make a choice..
if its him or the dog??
well, take a guess!!:)
cause, truelly being really loved
is being really accepted!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Survive the worst then crumble at something so simple...

I have made it through some rough patches
these past few years!!
I consider my self a tough cookie these days:) ...
and yet..
my 12 year old left for boy scout camp this morning
and my heart is swollen...
I almost wonder
could this be too much??
Why is it dealing with our children's possible hurts
and worries
can crumble us..
when our own worries we can work through?
IN all I have been through these past 3 years
I have 2 WORST memories..
both were not my pain but my kids!
The 1st was the night I found out
that there were extenuating circumstances
in my 'then' husbands need to leave us...
I knew that night I was done!!
I decided to leave and spend the night away
rather then face him in my hurt...
I was barely away when my phone rang...
it was him, he said my 4 year old wanted to talk to me..
he knew that I would never want them hurting without me knowing,...
she got on the phone sobbing
"mommy, please come home..I just want us to be a family again..papas sorry"..
that moment..where I was, how I felt, my need to reach her
and hold her immediately is burned forever in my heart!!
I can remember so many things
and ponder them...
when I remember this my heart aches like it was happening now..
the other memory that I can hardly visit even almost 3 years later
is the day we told our children we were getting divorced!
Their pain was more then my mind could take!!
My littlest crying and saying" mommy it hurts so much, I hurt all over"..
even now, I have to move on..I cannot dwell on it!
I cannot let my mind go back..
I think the memories of their hurt
will always be as fresh
even as mine fades,
and now as I ponder a new stage of worries..
the stage of letting go...
and letting my son grow up..
my heart is once again wandering outside my body
and once again wondering can I handle this?
the rest a piece of cake
compared to wanting to protect our children,
and hold them in our arms forever!
at some point I am learning
we can only, at times, hold them in our hearts....
and wait for those precious moments
when in our arms in where they choose to be!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

letting it happen or making it happen...

My last post was on this same subject..
As I have mentioned before
my blog is my journal!
and right now
the place I am in
is one of overcoming hurt
and learning how to be me...
and thats what I journal about!!

I am watching others
and beginning to understand some basic truths about hurt
and disappointment!
Some times when we are hurt we take it, accept and just roll over for more..
and sometimes we see it resent it and set out to right the wrong!

I am not a therapist...
nor a counselor..
not anything in that category!
I speak only from my experiences
and lessons learn t!
BUT I will share that I have been through
2 very difficult divorces in the last 3 years!
Both different...
one a broken heart
the other a broken spirit..
But I can tell you that I overcame!"
That like everyone else
I have days where I wish things had happened
and moments when my heart still hurts...
I still question how one leaves another after so long
so easily
and my heart still aches for the pain my children went through!
BUT I am OK!! Truelly OK!

I believe there is a reason
that I survived moments
and overcame situations
in a way that looked almost 'easy' from the outside!
and I believe that some where in 'why'
lies the hope for everyone!

When something happens to us
we get to make something happen for us!
When I was married..
when my husband said he needed more
I tried to be more..
while it did not work..
it was an action!
It left me feeling that I was not a victim of my circumstances!
When I needed a job
I did not wait for a call
I dropped in
over and over
to the place I wanted to work...
if something in my life is not what I feel it should be
I examine it and figure out what steps I should take to fix it...
If my children are overwhelming me..
I read a book, ask a friend or expert and make a game plan..
and If I have made choices with negative consequences
I accept it
but make sure I learn from it
and try and figure out how to avoid it ever happening again..

The thing is does not always work!!
BUT it takes you from a place of victim,
in which life is happening to you,
and instead puts you in a place of survivor,
overcoming in spite of your circumstances!

This may be my temperament..
and sometimes my escape..
Sometimes I 'do' to my detriment,
and yet as I meet people going through hard times
and know people who I watch handling it in different ways..
I realize that we truelly can allow life to defeat us!
People really do give up!!
and that tells me
that its something we can control!
That we have the inner
and instinct to overcome..
but we have to decide that we want to!
and we have to take the steps
and realize it really is in our hands!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

why does one fall and one survive??

Every day I meet people in crisis
so many who never say a word..
and yet there daily life
holds drama and hurt!

And I wonder
why does pain cause some to curl up
and struggle to move...
and others to fight their way out?
and in truth
don't both way cause some destruction!

I am a doer!
I handle by doing..
when life hits me hard
I hit back,
because I must!
If I did not I would falter and fall..
and so I 'do'!
Sometimes I don't stop to think or even feel..
But, then I speak to those
who hurt and feel
and some days cannot come up for air!
and I wonder?
is that a gene?
is that something we learn?
Does one get the 'depression' gene
and another the gene of 'denial'?
and another the gene of 'escape'?
because sometimes 'doing' is an escape!

I learn t years ago
that what had felt like overcoming
was really my moving on..
in denial!
and the result was events
that brought me right back to the place
where I had to stop, feel, hurt and then move on!

And so, I just contemplate
life and hurt
and the way we survive it!
I know that one size does not fit all
but I do know that we must move through it!
And I guess when all is said and done
as long as the end result is health
and healing..
the process becomes
and the method used
just a tool...
as long as ultimately the result is the same;

Monday, July 6, 2009

I finally get it...

Life is seeming to settle..
Kids are happier..
normal, testy preteens:)
but happier..
And more then anything I am handling it all better..
less frustrated..
and yet I am busier then ever!
so what gives??

Of course, I have less stress..
I have a home..
a job..

BUT its bigger!!
I used to dismiss the 'oprah' theory
of give to yourself first
so you can care for others!
I believed that others came first no matter what..
and of course, I believe in selflessness
and giving to others..
and all that jazz...good jazz!:)
However, I finally get the theory!
As I begin to find a balance
that includes my needs
my life feels more in control!
Its not big things...
time is limited!
Its the small things..
bedtime early enough to read..
a cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning,
a few minutes to work out
or prepare food for me, not just the kids..
its children in bed early enough to allow me
time to just be...
the little things!
BUT they add up!
and in the end
the little moments you take for you
create a bigger picture,
a better mom..
a healthier family!!
its little
but it makes a BIG difference!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

sundays...quiet..reflection... and concerns...

I love Sundays!
I have not always felt that way!
as a child 'Sunday naps' were torture!
BUT, now I understand the need!
Now, I get the idea behind 'family time'..
and the need to refresh before a very busy week!

I have begun to grasp the need for a down day..
and I protect that at all costs!
A day to regroup and not to run...
and Sundays are it!

It is also a day to reflect..
where am I in my walk with Christ..
where am I in my journey to healing..
where am I as a mom?..
where should I be instead!

And it leaves me with time to think of all that has happened
and wonder at some of the effects!
Some of the choices that still affect me....

All is all
Sunday is a day to let the last week go
and prepare for the week to come!
And as a single mom
it has become my day for me..
and for my children...
a day that will be protected
and I believe will play a part
in the healing of our hearts
and the emotional well being of our souls...

Happy Sunday to you!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

what the fourth means to me...

I love the 4th of July..
I don't love fireworks that much...
BUT I love the ideal behind the celebration!
I was not born in America!
In fact I was born in a country that was anything BUT free...
I was born in central Africa..
my childhood holds memories of guns,
glass on outside walls..
burglar bars...
and segregation!
It also holds memories
of Kariba Dam
and wild life reserves..
the shores of cape town
and table top mountain!
A beautiful continent...
A wonderful childhood...
but It was not FREE!
Then when I was 12 years old..
My mom and dad left everything behind
to come to AMERICA!!
We landed in New York...
and forever my life was changed!
They gave me the gift of freedom!
The gift of citizenship
in a country that allows you to be who you are..
and love who you choose..
and live where you want!
A country in which my American children
can grow up one day
and become leaders of this nation...
a country that is free!
And this July 4th
Freedom rings even more true to me..
and This land that I love
is even more sweet..
and the parents that risked all to give me a future
hold my heart and appreciation more then ever before!
Happy 4th of July!!