Saturday, October 31, 2009

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

hard lesson...BITE your tongue!!

I have lived by the rule..
in my home
since divorce..
that words should be chosen carefully,
especially about my ex!
I have chosen not to put him down to the kids...
and even go as far as to tell them stories
about his childhood or our dating days...
I want them to know the man I knew...
in spite of my broken heart!
In addition, I have tried to be careful to watch my words
about the woman in his life!
The one he loves now..
but loved too soon..
before he was free to love her...
while he should have been loving me!
Sometimes, I slip!
In truth I am 'justified!' based on the baggage!
BUT in reality
it is my children who pay the price!
I did not realize how 'loose' with my tongue I had been..
until in front of my ex husbands live in love-
my children shared things I had said..
that were not flattering nor very nice!
While I contemplated crawling in a hole
or pinching my kids ( LOL)...
I learnt a BIG lesson!
No matter how much time passes...
no matter how much hurt there remains...
NO matter how wrong the injustice..
words are powerful
and they will come back to haunt you..
if you do not take the time to think
before speaking!
ESPECIALLY in front of your children!
Lesson lived, noted and learnt! !!!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

learning to ask now I am here!
I live this life
and I am doing my best to do it well!
Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail!
BUT, always I try!
However, when things are too hard...
or seem unattainable
or beyond reach..
what then??
I feel stretched already!
How do I do more or add more if I need more??

I am learning to ASK!!!!
I am finally reaching a place
of being able to say...
hey, if you know of anyone who has this
I need this!
If you know of anyone who can do this
I need this!
Its freeing in and of itself!
so many times I wonder or worry or stress...
and I am coming to understand
that there are those
who want to help...
who have skills
or clothes
or friendship to give..
and are just waiting for someone to ask!!
learning to ask...
another step closer...
to being completely free!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

life goes on..and on..., is!
NOTHING small!
and thats the great part of my post!!

Its amazing to me
as life goes on..
and I get further from the hurt
and fear
and drama....
how normal life becomes...
even the abnormal is normal!
Kids being sick, normal!
Kids being healthy, normal!
Long work day, normal!
Great work day, normal!
Stressful afternoon , normal!
peaceful afternoon, normal!
This is life...
it continues...
and a life lived out loud...
a life lived out of the shadows,
a life lived with freedom and peace...
is a beautiful , NORMAL , thing!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009 next....

So what do you do when you hit the wall??
you climb it...
what do you do when you are buried under it?
you dig out!

I dug my way out!
Yes, sometimes life stinks!!
Yes, sometimes it is hard!
and I think its OK to cry!
Its OK to take a moment, or an hour, or a day
and feel sad and down!
BUT, the next step is a choice!
Do you stay there?
or do you start digging your way out!
and if the answer is dig out..
then how??

For me,
in this journey,
I have found;
sharing with friends is a big factor in digging out
or climbing over!
sharing with Family, friends, and my facebook and bloggy friends
has had a huge impact on my heart!
Support and encouragement make a huge difference!
BUT, no-one will know you need the support
if you don't tell someone you are drowning!
Yelling "HELP" I cannot do this another moment..
is normally the first step in realizing
you really have what it takes to do this as long as it takes..
because when the answers to your heart cry come back
the encouragement is a balm for your soul,
and a motivator for your attitude
and you will begin to see the light
and feel anxious to get there!
Sharing my heart...
being open about my hurt...
has been the second greatest healer
in my journey from brokeness to wholeness!

The first, is my faith!
The first, is my Lord!
The first is the one who has carried me on his shoulders
and who still has not put me down....

Monday, October 19, 2009

sometimes you climb the wall....

and sometimes you are buried underneath it....
One of my children is sick....
she is my youngest
and she has the flu.
She is not the first to be sick,
my oldest had the bug,
and now she has it!
But it has hit her hardest!

Like most single moms...
I work because I must..
I work to pay the bills..
I work to support my family...
and time off is not a viable option.
I also teach,
which means so much more depends on me being there,
then just my co-workers...
my little charges need me too.
Needless to say,
time off or not is not a light choice..
in addition there is that small matter of paying the bills..!
BUT my child is sick!!

I have discovered the heartbreak
of needing to be in two places...
of knowing that whichever you do
the other will suffer...
the heart break of a choice
in which there is no winner...

I am luckier then most..
my oldest was able to come with me to work..
to a separate place from where I was..
but near by..
even that caused discourse in my soul,
as I would have rather been with her completely!
BUT, was an option I was grateful for..
my youngest will be with family.
A better option then anything else..
she will be able to rest and in loving arms,
so why does my heart break??
because I cannot be the one to comfort her..
I cannot be the one to cool her forehead,
or check her temp or play nurse...
Instead I must be the one who shows her
that strength as a mother
is when you do not what you want,
but what you must,
for the sake of those you love so much!!!
and yet, this love, this need to do what I must..
right at this moment
is breaking my heart!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Its not about a solution its about acceptance...

I think many times
when someone finds them selves
and it was NOT what they had planned for their lives..
When is it??
They want a solution!
a fix!
They want it to get better...
and deep down they want something to change!

I went looking for that change..
I was not passive..
I was sure and confident
that there was a SOLUTION...
This could not be the destination of my life!!
and as I have shared..
my solution was my down fall!

And so I now have come to understand...
the vital step
in moving forward,
is not looking for a change,
or waiting for the next stage in your life.
Instead its accepting,
the now!
The new place you are..
and the place you may always be!!
A single person! a single-again person!

facing all the things
that in the past you did as a 'couple'..
now movies, dinners, church, reunions,
you are doing those things alone!
And the thing is..
thats OK!
Not only is it OK...
its fun!
Its a time to rediscover who you are,
a time to heal and grow!
its also a time to hurt and mourn...
and then little by little to let go
of what was..
and embrace what is!
It does not happen overnight...
Nor, do I believe it will happen on its own..
BUT it will happen!!
And the time you put into YOU..
will pay off..
when YOU are healthy and WHOLE..
and YOU get to choose to move on alone..
or move on open to the idea of another!
BUT either way YOU choose!
and either way YOU are OK!

Friday, October 16, 2009

funny thing...

I set a goal...
not to date for a year...
after the end of my relationship!
almost 11 months have passed..
and still NO real desire to date!!
I am not sure when it happened!
BUT it did!
All of a sudden..
I started living
for the future..
versus dwelling on the past!
and it happened without me even realizing it!
And so as the 'year' mark draws closer...
I know that for the first time in my life,
I am not looking for someone else to tell me what
I already know..
I am enough!
and life is good,
busy, tiring, stressful...
but oh so good!
for the first time..
I am not looking for someone else
to make my life better
or to complete me,
instead I am hesitant to share my time..
and happy with my freedom...
and content in my little home!
Deep down I know,
that this is where I must be
to ever reach the place of allowing another in...
but deeper down I know
that one step at a time,
and this step is still ALL about me
and getting healthy
and ensuring that never again
will I make the mistakes
that led me down this journey to begin with!!

Above all,
I am thrilled that I set the goal..
and know that taking this time
brought me to the place
that time is no longer the only thing
keeping me from jumping
into waters way above my head!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

different track..

I am taking a different track in my thoughts today..
they are not as much about divorce as normal..
and yet in some ways I believe they still reflect the process.
On Facebook the subject of my vegetarianism
was brought up by me,..
I was interested in the comments and decided to respond this way....

I am a very idealistic person!
I always have been...
My ideal world would be as follows:
Men and woman would stay together forever
Husbands would never be unfaithful or leave their wives.
Children would never be hurt by a broken home.
Mothers would stay home with their children. (at least this mother!)
(remember this is MY ideal world..not everyones!)
People would be kind to each other!
Everyone would have a home and love.
Animals would be treated kindly and humanely.
No-one would go hungry.
There would be no war.
There would be no violence.
There would be no child abuse or domestic abuse.

I am sure there are others!
BUT as you can see there is VERY little on my list I can control.
Some of what is on my list happened to me...
whether I liked it or not!
My ideals flattened by someone elses' choices!
HOWEVER, there is a small part I can control.
I can control my small contribution to the world!
I can control how I treat people, children and animals!
And I live by that!
I honor my parents and love my sisters!
I am not a perfect mother..
but I love my children and try daily to be better!
I am preschool teacher and truly love the children in my care!
and I choose not to eat meat,
and to take in homeless cats,
and to not kill spiders...
because its a small thing I CAN control
and a small difference I CAN make in the world around me!!!
I don't do it to live longer,
or be thin.
I don't do it to be different
or difficult.
I do it because I care
and I do it because I CAN!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

friends and hurt.....

I think that its inevitable
when you go through a break up
or life upheaval
too at some point..
feel betrayed by a friend, or two,
in some shape or form!
For me this has been in several ways...
When my first husband left I lived in denial..
feeling very little..
so now three years later..
I sometimes feel the sting,
of the friends that were 'ours'
and are now 'theirs'.
I wonder how they are OK with it all..
and so there is a sense of hurt!
Even though in truth,
I understand it!
and know they all have to move on...
it still leaves its mark.
When I left my second husband
I felt the sting of betrayal..
when friends who were his..
(because thats all we had..were his friends)
but became mine..
chose to longer communicate with me!
Above all, it confused me..
because if they knew the truth..
there would be no reason for them to feel that way..
so I wonder what they were told..
and feel a small sting at the rejection...
and lastly,
there are the friendships that cannot withstand
the turmoil.
The friends who think you should have done it differently,
or got tired of hearing it..
or who just got tired of waiting for you to get your life together..
and those lost friendships hurt too!
Now three years later..
now that I look at life through realistic filters,
I believe that this is part of the process!
and it is hard!
as a single person,
you are already lonely,
you are sometimes already rejected..
you are often in need of support and validation..
so the loss of these people..
no matter how distant or close..
just adds hurt upon hurt!!

BUT, when the dust settles....
I have realized that it has all turned out the way it should.
I have lost friendships..
and I have gained some!
The friends who accepted and became 'their' friends
are really not missed in the scope of things!
The friends who chose to listen to lies rather then accept truth
would never have been a support any way!
So, the blessing is..
as the 'weeding' process happens
you are left with the friends who you should be investing in!
and if you are left alone..
then its time to start looking...
and refilling your life
with friends who care and support, listen and love!
Good friends are the greatest aid in the healing process...
and hurtful ones the greatest detriment!
No different then letting go of the love and past...
its vital to let go of the hurt and 'injustice'
and instead focus on the people in your life
that leave you feeling better for the time spent in their presence!
They are out there.....

Monday, October 12, 2009

finding me...

I am still working on my last counseling assignment...
finding ways to show that I respect myself...
I am realizing how much in life I compromise..
and am also seeing where I lack boundaries,
even within my own choices..,
my own lack of impulse control!
I tend to do then think...

Alot of these things take time..
and certainly realizing them is the first step..

but reclaiming me
not just fixing me..
but reclaiming who I am...
has been a process in the works
for the last 10 months!
Slowly I have begun to reclaim my ideals...
I have always been more flower child then 90s child...
I would have loved to join the peace core..
and I would have been good at it!!;)
I am passionate about animals...
and the world we live in!
I want to make a difference,
leave a footprint behind when I leave this earth!
and part of reclaiming me
has been reclaiming that!

I also tend to live out loud..
I want to live what I believe..
I tend to live my beliefs in big ways..
and so, as I embrace me
accept me
learn to be me,
with no one to frown on my quirkiness...
I have gone back to my high school passions
and am doing my part to save the world!!:)
its never to late..
10 months ago I went back to a vegetarian lifestyle...
this week I am taking the next step to vegan.
Its about so much more then how I eat!
Its about who I am..
how I want to live my life..
who I want to be...
its the best part of where I am!
The place in which becoming me
is not a chore..
but is a blast!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

complicated world but not as scary as I thought,,,

It seems that every day
my journey gets just a little easier..
and sometimes I do something
and wonder why did I wait so long?
and yet I know
that in truth
its all in Gods timing..
and rushing the process
brings a different outcome...
something I know so well!!
So much has started to fall into place in my life...
two of the things are connected!
The first is a new friendship!
I have found as I age that connecting is much harder!
I think its due to many things
but one of those things
is that its harder to put yourself out there with new people...
so, often friendships that don't already have history attached
tend to stay at the surface level..
therefore, making a new connection..
with someone that speaks my heart language,
makes me laugh, will listen if I am sad, and embraces my family into hers..
has been very impacting!!
in addition
that friendship
led me back
to an old church home...
and that has been life changing!
As I sat in church today
and felt the vibrant energy
and saw faces of people I love
I wondered why did it take me so long..
to come back where I belong?
the answer is,
I belong here now!
and now is perfect!
But these things...
so simple
yet so strong...
continue to push me forward towards the place
of wholeness...
they remind me I am not on this journey alone...
and they encourage me to keep learning
and growing...
I am so thankful for so much!
I have a wonderful family whose support has literally saved me...
I have children I adore and that have given me the motivation to keep moving...
and now the I have heart connections I longed for,
and a church that feels like being home!
All these things work together for good..
all these things are part
of learning how to live..
and all these things are part of the richness of life
that awaits when the pain passes
and the living begins!

Friday, October 9, 2009

one of those moments,....

Most moments these days
are busy
or happy
or stressed
or tense
or joyful
but rarely sad!
It took about 9 months for the lonely feelings to go..
but I remember them well!
I remember the sadness I felt on Sundays alone..
or Friday nights with no plans..
the times in the car with no one to call..
and the gap I felt in my heart!
Then I just did not feel that any more!
no big moment..
just a realization that I was not lonely anymore!
A lot has changed...
my work is fulfilling...
it is also busy...
and once I added school...
My schedule is full!
I need my down time...
and don't find it empty any more!
I have become involved in a church
and made some new friends..
as well as keeping up with some old..
my friendships are rich and fulfilling...
Also, I have settled in my role as a single mom..
I am comfortable..
and HAPPY in that aspect of my life...
sometimes stressed and tired!
But, no longer reluctant to embrace what is!
all this , for the most part, eliminates loneliness..
so I was surprised today
to feel sadness
during what seemed like the most mundane thing!
I was running errands on my lunch break..
I ran into the post office.,
and when I walked out
the memories flooded...
the life I used to lead..
the one in which running errands was the norm;
not the exception I now fit in when I have no more choices....
the life that was filled with the mundane at times..
the life that brought me joy..
so for a moment
in a mundane moment
running a mundane errand
I mourned what was..
and felt the sadness at all that has changed!
It happens..
but it passes!
Thats where the hope lies..
not in a forever numbness
but in the times that you feel the pain..
but know it will not last ..
it is but a moment in the rest of your life!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

older and actually better :)

Last week was a little crazy..
but good crazy!
It was my birthday!
And the reason that is significant
is that for 3 years
MAJOR things have happened
within days
of my birthday..
3 years ago
my husband of almost 15 years
and I
signed divorce papers
3 days after my birthday..
2 years ago..
I remarried
5 days after my birthday..
1 year ago
my birthday was further confirmation
that I was in big trouble..
and I was separated again the following month...
so, birthdays make me nervous!:)
however, this year was wonderful!!
my children fussed over me..
my family made me feel special
and my dearest friend made me feel loved!
I was pampered
and taken to dinner...
and given treats..
and presents...
and most of all..
above all..
more important then anything else..
it was a day with out drama..
it was a day filled with the chaos of life..
but without unkindness, hurt or broken hearts!
and it was the beginning of a new year...
and the realization that each step I take
is a step away from what was
and a step further towards what shall be..