Saturday, February 27, 2010

I am being roasted....

Friday, February 26, 2010

It takes a lesson to learn a lesson..

I am starting to observe people around me..
after living fairly happily
in a bubble for most of my life;
its like a whole NEW realization
to see people and watch their choices,
and to begin to understand the reasons behind them.

It seems that some people will avoid
being alone at all costs.

I get this..
I did this..
I lived at home until my wedding at 18...
Then whenever hubby was away,
I pined and missed him.
I did not sleep..
I felt incomplete..
half a person.
Hubby left,
I moved back 'home' with my kids..
until my wedding at 33.
When I fled my 'hell'
at the age of 34,
I had NEVER been alone.
I had NEVER lived alone.
and I had NEVER imagined being OK with it!

the thing is,
if I had not learned such a hard lesson
by rebounding so fast,
if I had not set a goal of a year before dating,
if I had not been so wounded that I knew I needed to heal...
I would have looked for company!
I was lonely!
It was hard to always be alone..

But at some point I passed that place,
its like a hunger pain..
if you wait through it
you will forget you were hungry!

Once you have waited past that point,
loneliness becomes different.
your being alone is a state you do not fear.
So even if you wish for company,
your very being does not hinge on it.

BUT, I believe,that you have to be alone,
to reach a place where loneliness does not dictate your direction.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way!
This is a lesson I had to stay the course to learn...

Sure, sometimes I feel alone.
Sure, sometimes I desire and look forward to true companionship...

BUT, lonely is no longer my state of being,
and being alone is a place I do not mind to be....

BUT, I never would have known that if I had not been lonely
long enough to be OK alone!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

ownership versus ignorance

as I have blogged..
three years ago I made a BIG mistake.
it is a mistake that carries with it
on going consequences.

I have come to understand now
that there are so many worse
scenarios in a relationship,
then a broken heart.

I have come to understand
that a broken heart
heals faster
then a broken spirit.

I now know
that there are men (and woman)
who say what they know you want to hear.
there are men who hurt because they can.

my first husband hurt me
but because I was incidental in the process..
he hurt me because there was no other way
in his mind.
I will forever like him as a person.
I will forever believe in his 'good'.
my second husband hurt me because,
hurting me was the only way to break me...
hurting me was the quickest way to bend me..
and hurting me and breaking me
was the only way to possess me.

I have learned that love and obsession
do not co-exist.
I have learned that fear and love cannot reside in the same

I have learned that some people are just

and now that I know that?
I own that!
if I repeat the past,
it is not for lack of knowledge..
and I cannot feel surprised or taken aback.
once you know, you cannot go back to ignorance.

how many of us do?
how many try to turn back the clock?
or pretend that what we heard was not what was meant?
and what damage do we do to our souls,
when we ignore the truth
to live in the lie..
that for a moment makes us happy..

what devastation do we spread..
and sorrow do we reap..
when we are given the gift of truth,
and we discard it for the deception.

Lord have mercy on those who do not see...
and take the blinders off my heart
so that I never live out of the light of truth again.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

deep...but needed...

today my daughter was cheering..
my ex and I were at the game..
we sat together..
and we chatted.
We can do this..
we are friends.
we get along well..
but are still learning
how to handle our differences,
and there are many.
we have good boundaries,
we discuss the kids..
light, surface topics,
but not his relationship..
or mine..(ok if I had one!LOL!)

but sometimes,
something is said..
that hurts my feelings!
This is the nature of being casual
with someone you once loved deeply.

the comment made
was not about him being right or wrong.
or about me being right or wrong.
it is a perception..
his vs mine.
but his perception is his reality,
and visa versa.

today the comment was a reminder of the way
we each view our marraige.
for me the hurt and trauma came in the ending,
and the way it happened.
for him the hurt and trauma came in the marraige,
and that it started at all.

this is hard..
as I loved deeply.
I loved with all I had...
and yet it was this very intensity, conviction,
and blind determination;
that left this man feeling trapped and smothered,
and now looking back,
he does so with memories that are not all warm and fuzzy.

and I get this!
I get that our differences
manifested in ways
that caused resentment in him..
and contentment in me.
I don't feel angry anymore at that!

the thing is..
I loved so much for so long..
16 years..
and when I understand that the same memories
that stir memories of love and completeness in me..
cause memories of entrapment and the walls closing in for him..
it makes me wonder,

what was it all for?
when you love with all you have and all you are;
and the only mark you leave on the heart and soul
of the one you loved;
is one of chains and barbed wire fences....
what is the point?
how does your love count?
I just wonder!

there is no real answer.
he is not being ugly..
his comment was not unkind.
we are honest with eachother,
we do not see everything the same..
he is being true to who he is.
I get that!
I honor that...

I am no longer sad or angry..
I have moved on as has he..
but I think we all want our effort..
our love,
our devotion,
our legacy ,
to count!
and so this moment..
I am revisiting what I know;
He never wanted to be where he was.
he did not fall out of love,
we did not grow apart,
he just made a mistake.
so where does that leave what for me were very real feelings..
and what happens to the part of your heart that gets left behind,
when there is no one there to claim it?

I just wonder!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

priorities? or just choices?

I am tired,
more tired then yesterday
and probably less tired then tomorrow.

I am behind on housework,
more so then yesterday
and less then tomorrow...

this seems to be the way it is..
in order to do what I need to,
or want to..
something has to give.

I wonder sometimes
if the kids are in too much..
they play a sport
(its a 8 week season..a church team)
they are in theater
(they recieved scholarships..such a blessing!)
son does scouts and robotics
(this is where HE finds his an out of sync life)
but, what do you give up?
where do you cut back?
I have THREE kids!
they even share activities..
(all in theater..all in the same sport..)
I want them to have this...
and yet..
in moments,
it feels to much!

and then there's me..
my main actvities are WORK,
church , and family!
Now I am getting back to working out..
but that hour a day,
is an hour that could be spent else where?
but should it??

I know that as a mom...
a working mom..
a working single mom..
this is a cycle of life I will question often!
and sometimes..
it seems to flow quite well.
and sometimes,
the laundry is piled..
the yard a mess...
the floors needs mopping..
the dog needs a bath...
the toilet..well..yuck..
and it seems too much!

UNTIL tomorrow..
when it will be more..
but my perspective will be different..
and that makes ALL the difference in the world;
or at least the day!
and for now, thats enough!:)

Monday, February 15, 2010

sometimes its this..sometimes something else

As a single mom;

there are some days that I feel in over my head,
too many places to be..
too much to do..
not enough time.

some days I feel guilty and helpless;
when my son came home the other day and I knew
he must go back on that bus..
and I knew I had to go back to work..
and that I could not just make this all go away,
I felt helpless.

some days I feel tired.. alot of days I feel tired.

and then there are days..
that I feel empowered.
I feel empowered when circumstances allow me
to provide extra for my children.
I feel empowered when I realize that I am with my kids,
and we are doing things..
and being together,
and I am completely comfortable in my role.
I feel empowered
when I realise we are really living life..
this is our life,
and most of the time we are living it well!

and then sometimes the SMALLEST things
make me feel like SHERA queen of the jungle..:)
tonight I changed the light bulbs...
in the ceiling lights! ALONE!
yes small..
but big when you consider we have been using flashlights!
(Sad I know.)
as the whole idea of climbing up high;
(ok..I have a fear of heights and standing on a HIGH!)
and figuring out how to get the light off the ceiling,
freaked me out!!:)

so there is a first time for everything..
and the small things
cause us the greatest growth.
sometimes the big things are unavoidable..
but we can go a long time without having to do the small things!
SO when we do..
and the light bulb literally goes on;)
its HUGE!!

I can do the big and the small..
one more more moment.. a lifetime of learning still to go!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

flooded ...

Today was surreal..
out of nowhere
came memories and flashbacks
of the man in the middle!
I call him that, as he was after the love of my life..
and before the love of my future.
he became my bump in the road.

but he did not start that way..
our first REAL date was valentines day..3 years ago!
NOW I know that it was all for show!
NOW I know that when I asked if he
was 'like this with everyone'..
that yes, he was!
BUT then it felt like a dream...
a dream that became a nightmare!

I think the memories came not just because of the date
but the location.
I was at my fathers church today...
and while I have gone often since I left this man..
today I remembered...

I thought first of my poor dad!
The weekend I ran away...
his sharing with his church;
please daughter is gone..we do not know where she is!
I had fled!
I was scared!
and alone!
and was hiding from the world..
and my parents were beside themselves!
I thought of what that must have been like for them..
that Sunday that he shared with his church,
his grown daughter has run away from home!
and I remembered what it was like for me..
to feel that nowhere was safe..
and no-one could help!

Then I thought back further..
to the first time
this man and I came to this church together!
We were newlyweds!
I was dressed in designer clothes,
the children looked nice..
the man in suit and tie!
we had the image exactly right!
The image was what mattered to this man!
I was starting to realize that..
the reality beginning to sink in!

and then I went further.
that fateful valentines day..
when I let myself get swept away,
by pretty words, and pretty flowers!
When I forgot that I could not just give away my heart..
I forgot how much was at stake,
or maybe I did not yet know.

and jumped into water way too deep,
moving way too fast,
it was cold,
it was strong,
it almost caused me to drown!

so today I was flooded with the past..
so thankful that I left..
so sad I ever stayed..
so aware of the damage one mistake can do..

It is done and we move on..
but its moments of reflection
that keep me sure about the future!
I do not wonder at why the moments happened.
I do not paint them in rosy colors and pretend!
I know my part and the part of others!
I own my choices
and live with my regrets..
and I vow, again, to never repeat the past!
and never so fear the present that I will give my future away...!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

he loves me...not

so where does that leave you on valentines day?
This is the 2nd valentines day in about 19 years,
that I have been alone.
and its the 2nd year that I have decided..
there are many worse places to be.

Its hard to ignore the holiday...
the cards are everywhere...
chocolates and teddys abound..

But, the reason behind the holiday
can get lost!
it celebrates love!
it celebrates like!
it celebrates hope and happy endings!

I have love!
I have my Lord!
I have my children!
I have parents and sisters who I love and am loved by..
and I have friends...who share my life and love me and are loved in return.

I have Like!
I like pink!
I like pets!
I like volkwagon bugs!
especially pink ones!:)
I like life!

I have hope!
I know that there might be someone for me one day!
That gives me hope!
I know that if there's not, I am OK!
That gives me peace!

I have my happy ending!
Its not what I expected!
BUT, if my life ended today,
I would not regret a moment!
I have given all I am to those I love and have loved!
I have lived as I believe!
I have been apart of the lives
of three amazing people!
and I have touched and been touched by the lives around me!

If valentines celebrates true love;
then sign me up!
I truly love; who I am, where I am and where I am going!
Happy valentines day!

Friday, February 12, 2010

oops..I did not see that coming....

it seems that while working as parents together..
whenever possible
is really best for the kids..
it can leave unexpected bruises on the heart!

I do not wonder if we should be together now.
In fact I understand deeply why we should not.
I care..but I am no longer hurt or sad..
and even seeing him with his love
causes no different feelings,
then seeing someone else I once knew well.
I can truly say acceptance has come..
closure has been found..
and true letting go has happened.

So why the bruise?
I don't wonder IF we should be together NOW
but being together as a team..
and doing it well..
made me wonder, for just a moment,
how we might have been THEN!
it was a glimpse at who we are now
in a situation we would have faced then.

It made me sadder then expected!
not regretful, not unsure, just aware..
that parts of us still work..
and yet I know..
that there are more parts of us that don't!
and we are where we should be.
So I take the bruise,
knowing there are more to come...
and I accept the moment for what it is,
a look back at what was;
an understanding of what could have been;
and then the realization that a moment does not compensate for a lifetime..
its just that, a moment!
one I did not see coming..
and one that passed before I realized it was gone!

and the journey continues..
one step at a time!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

it really does

after all the heartache
and all the hurt...
When you divorce with children
there is still a connection through the kids!
IF you can nurture that,
EVEN though you WILL disagree...
there are moments it will SO matter!

My ex and I had a moment that mattered today!

My 7th grade son..
who is a straight A student,
never in trouble..
quiet to a fault..
was pushed too far by bullies on the bus!
HIS response (non-physical) resulted in the bully
punching him several times in the face!
He got off the bus with a swollen face,
tears of anger running from his eyes,
his sisters were hysterical.
and all he could say was;
they insulted my family! I can't let anyone do that!
I, needless to say,
was ready to run after the bus and drag each child off
and interrogate them myself!!
I was livid!
a pacifist in every area EXCEPT when it comes to my kids!!
My son took responsibility for his part!
He owned his reaction!
and understood the response!
I am a mom..I could just hold him while we both cried!

The guilt of my life overwhelming me..
I have to put him on that bus
so I can go to work..
it kills me in this moment!!
it grieves my soul to watch him hurt!!

I called his dad!
Who came immediately!
and together we sat with our child.
We encouraged him, supported him and talked through the lessons.
We each brought an aspect that was vital.
I brought the soft..he brought the needed..
and my son was surrounded by support!
We are not sure how this will play out!
Will he pay a price for his reaction?
we do not know!
BUT what he does know is that his parents are on his side..
We will stand by him as he faces the consequences,
we shall walk beside him no matter what comes..

we gave up on our fight for each other..
but we shall never give up on our fight for him!

This was a moment that it mattered...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Happy anniversary to me...;)

Today is the one year anniversary of my blog!
yay me!:)
and so I will re-post my first post!
Going back I see how far I have come!

going backwards is such a great gage;
of how much we are moving forward!

I love to journal and have thought often about writing a book! Then it hit me...I can blog! Whoo hoo!! so here I am. My story is the same as most...except so different then some!
My life has many curves and yet my direction is still straight ahead.
As a little girl I knew what I would be when i grew up! I would be Lucy On Dallas. (am I aging myself??) I wanted to marry young, have lots of babies and live happily ever after! Well, i did 2 out of the 3! My story did not have the typical 'happily ever after'. Does anyones?? I am not sure! BUT, my happily ever after is still out there! Just not in the form I expected!
So this blog will be my journey! As a single women. And as a single mom!
It will be a journey of forgiving the past while never forgetting the lessons. A journey of embracing the future with open but more realistic arms!
I never thought I would walk this path, but here I am! and there is no better way to remember where I have come from and where I am going....then to write it down!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

so I wonder...

when you start to think..
you may no longer hate with a passion..
the idea of meeting someone..

where do you start?

do you wait and see what happens in life?
do you ask your friends who they know?
do you update your facebook status
to not just single BUT available?
ok,.probably not!!:)

But, I think about all this..
because as I come closer
to being more 'available'
and less closed off...
I know that life is just not that simple!

I don't go to bars,
or even out to non-bars that much!
I don't attend singles events..
I don't meet people in my daily life..
-I meet 2 year olds..:)-
and in truth I am SO not in a rush!

I just wonder..
what does this look like now?
The disastrous attempt I made after my first divorce
did not count..
it was truly disastrous!
but, I have NEVER really dated!
I met hubby one at 17..
I met hubby 2 four months after divorce from hubby 1,
after a series (OK 4!LOL) of 'one time' dates..
no-one seemed right!
so, just this process seems daunting!

I think I fear the process more then the result!
and I just wonder..
just turn it over here and there in my mind..

then I wonder..
what does that even look like as a single mom of three kids??
I don't plan on my kids knowing men I date,
and I am limited in free time..
is that even fair??
I wonder..

that's all I am doing right now..
I set a goal NO DATES for a year..
that has become 15 months..
and I am sure will stretch longer!

I think its good that now when I wonder..
it does not make me sick to my stomach..
or give me the chills...
or make me want to take a shower!
(YES for a while it seemed like a REALLY bad idea..)

so, the fact that I wonder,
and still feel OK..
and open..
and can actually discuss it out loud,
that's a good step, right?

so now we see...
what does this look like?
what will it look like?
what should it look like?
I am FINALLY a LITTLE excited to find out!

Monday, February 8, 2010

a little of this..a little of that..

so as a single mom..
single parent..
time is tight!
most parents feel that!
and most are right!
(did not actually mean to rhyme!):)

But, as single parent the work load is increased.
You are IT.
and therefore the time you have is spread even thinner..
and the balancing act
even more precarious...

so HOW do you find the time
to talk with the kids..
how do you prioritize
what must happen with what should happen?

My kids and I have a typically busy schedule..
theater 2 afternoons a week..
basketball/cheer 3 evenings a week...
scouts 1 night..
church 1 weeknight and Sunday mornings...
I work 40 hours a week..
they have homework when they get home from school..
and then of course, there's the house and the laundry,
we have to eat at some point:)
and we have a few furry and not so furry friends to care for too!

so how??
its trial and error..
but I am starting to find the rhythm.
Communication is KEY!
we know that!
but it does not just happen.
and each kids wants some time with mom alone..
my son wants to talk in his room;
no sisters with 'big' ears nearby.
My girls share a room, yet they want their private time with me too...

And then there is me..I am tired!
How do I give and give and give?
sometimes I am spent..
and sometimes I am spread too thin..
yet, always I care deeply about my children!
so, how do I show them,
and give them what they need,
without depleting the only reserves I have?

so far, this is my solution
and it seems to be working well.
We have dinner at the table just 1 or 2 nights a week.
NOW every night would be IDEAL!
but I don't live in an ideal world...:)
we talk at the table..and its 'discuss time'.
I introduce a topic,
or we talk about something that's been happening in our lives.
its open..and they can share..and we all listen and respect each other.
I use the small amount of time for good and make it count.

We have family time once a week..
again, wish this was more often..
BUT, life is life is life..
normally for us family time
is a movie and Chinese on the weekends that they are with me..
or episodes of family ties one night during the week.
it works for us!

My son and I talk when I tuck him in..
I go sit with him a few minutes and make sure I am available!
It is sometimes only moments and its sometimes moments plus more..
But, its his!
I kiss the girls nightly,
sometimes I read to them before bed!
and sometimes I don't!
I have learned to do what I can,
rather then resent what I feel I must
BUT, one night a week each daughter
shares my room.
she treats the room as hers for a day.
This allows them each to have THEIR room alone one night,
and my room one night!
They are still young enough to enjoy a 'slumber party' with mom..
and before bed on their night,
we read for a little while and talk about 'girl' issues.
again..its purposeful and planned.
a small price for me..sharing my room..
a huge pay off with them;my undivided attention.
again, not for long..not for hours..not beyond what I can give..
BUT, long enough to reach from my heart to theirs...and sometimes that is ENOUGH!

I have come to understand that time is precious,
and in truth; it's limited.
But I can take the time I have and make it count..
and stop worrying so much that I can't do more..
I can stop feeling guilty that I don't have more time..
or that sometimes I am tired and don't have endless energy to share!
It is what it is..
but its what you do with what you have that makes the difference,
when all is said and done...

I had to narrow down what counts FOR me.
I wish we rode bikes every day..or went walking!
I wish we played board games every week!
I wish we gardened together!
I wish..I wish..I wish!
BUT, I KNOW we must be open and talk!
I know my children must find me a safe place to hide.
and so the rest?
it will happen if it can.
Sometimes we find time to walk and ride..
and sometimes we break out a board game.
and maybe one day we will garden.
But, capturing their hearts,
sharing in their lives,
being a part of this journey with them,
is where my attention goes.
The rest becomes the icing..
for me THIS is the cake!

still learning, still trying,..
but finding some solutions,
in a world that seems endless in its obstacles.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

He's just not that into you??

so..I have been home sick..
and I read A lot!
and have run out of books...
I got down the stack of self -help books
that I love to buy and hate to read!

The one I landed on is;
he's just not into you.
I loved the movie..
and the book is good!

It makes you think.
Why do we compromise?
why do we ignore all the signs?
what are we afraid of?
and how do we pass on
our new empowerment to our daughters??

I realize that my compromising
started way back!
When the boy I liked...
made fun of me and teased me..
and then wrote me a love note...
and I was told,
yes..he pulls your hair because he likes you!
So why do we not tell the girls,
"if he pulls your hair,stand tall, chin in the air and walk away!"
if he makes you cry..

instead, we make excuses..
and we accept the pulled hair and hurt feelings,
and then as the boys become men,
we take the hurts and the missed calls
or broken promises,
we take the unkind words or unfair expectations,
we take the rejection or lack of appreciation,
because that's just how men are??

I am learning..
that's not how it should be!
I have yet to have the 'real' thing!
Not real love..I had that, I have felt that..lived that!
but a real relationship..
two hearts, sharing one relationship..
yet, not clipping each others wings.
a relationship with dignity, and kindness and honesty and respect.
a relationship in which we are each better and soar higher,
then we would alone.
I do not need a relationship to complete me..
but one day I would like one that compliments my soul..
a connection that is pure and true..
and a love that has staying power,
no matter the season.

until then I will keep reading the book:)
so I know how to read the signs...!!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

the moment you know...

being home sick in bed..
I have lots of TV viewing time!

Last night I watched an interview
with the wife of the governor of South Carolina!
He cheated with a woman in Argentina,
and she shared her heart break!

She said something that STRUCK me!
On their wedding day,
her husband had refused to say the part
about promising to be faithful.
They had written it out of his vows.
she talked about it bothering her..
and yet they talked through it!

We ALWAYS know!
there is always a moment
when we are given the truth
and we choose to face it
or 'talk through it'.

My first marriage
two moments come to mind!
We met at 17!
My first love...
I was head over heals....
I would spend my day ignoring school work
and writing love notes!
On day my LOVE wrote a note to me!
I will never forget the moment!
I was reading it
as we were together,
he was outside of the car..
pumping gas!
here was that he wrote
"it is so nice to have someone who loves me as much as I love them..
maybe even more!"
This was 20 years ago..
and I STILL remember my heart beat quickening..
my palms sweating..
my stomach knotting! UH-OH!
he thinks I love him more,
that can't be good!
I know we 'talked it out'
and I heard what I needed to hear!
BUT I knew in that moment!
He was giving me his truth..
I pretended it was something else...

Then a year later on our honeymoon.
I had hearts coming out of my ears!
I had married the Only person I had ever loved..
I could not be happier!
as we talked and cuddled he said;
" I want you to know you will always have my heart!
Even if I ever cheated..thats just s*x..thats not my heart!
please know that!"
Ok..I said!
hearing the heart part because I needed to!
focusing on that;
even as the lump in my throat,
and the knot in my stomach..
and the sweat on my palms spoke to a different truth!
a truth of a man not sure!
a truth of a man who was not able to commit to me..
a truth of a man who wanted to love me the way I needed,
but was sharing that he could not!

Those were the moments I knew!
the moments I held truth in my hand..
and instead spoke lies to my heart!
Because I could not deal!! teach my daughters;
that truth faced now hurts so much less the truth faced later...
and my son;
that truth owned now will hurt so much less the truth owned later...

what moments are we ignoring for the moments that are easier to take?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

the next stage....

what is almost as good as an intact family
sharing in their childrens success and failure??

a divorced couple..sitting together..
with their daughter's teacher.
Not there for any other reason,
then they love their daughter!
They are there as a team.
They are there as a unit..
and they understand the roles are different,
the past is gone
and they own the future!

It is not easy to reach this place.
for some its not an option!
But, for my ex and I..
we have made some choices
some good and some bad..
but all impacting;
that have brought us to the place we are now.
I will be blogging this aspect more.

The past surfaces here and there..
but the relationship we have now,
is the one we shall carry into the future!

It is not always good..
in fact sometimes its bad!
BUT, OFTEN its better then expected!
We both play a role in this.
We both let things go!
and we have both had to change expectations.

We do not team parent!
That would involve complete agreement!
We do Co-parent! Along side one another..
a relay!
I parent in my home..
he parents in his...
and at times it overlaps!

We are making it work!
and we are reaping the rewards!
and we are both muddling through
what happens
when the one you loved
becomes the one who hurt you..
and the differences that were endearing
become stark..
and yet you STILL share children;
and for THEIR sake
need to try and do this right!

THIS is a journey in and of itself!
BUT, its a journey with only one destination!
the children!
Their security!
Their well being!
Their ability to be complete!

The Gift you can give when they can love you both with no walls!


if there MIGHT be a time...
that being alone
is the less favorable place to be..
I would say it would be when you are sick!
really! here I am..
and alone!!
No-one to bring me soup.
no-one to help pick up the house!
no-one to run to the store for throat drops..

and then I woke up!
WHEN did that ever happen??
I am mom! SICK or not!:)
so, I rethought all this..
kids are with their dad tonight!
I am alone..
and I have decided this is the best time to be alone!

No-one needs me for anything!
No-one to turn the channel!
No-one to complain about my coughing all night!
I guess there is an UP side to everything!;)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

moments up..moments down..

There are moments..
or days..
or weeks..
as a single mom
when life seems to be moving in fast forward!

Its not always like that..
sometimes you feel in control.
sometimes you feel relaxed.
sometimes you feel comfortable.

and sometimes?
you are just holding on
and your life spins and spins around you!

I cannot even imagine
having a personal life...
I have my hand full with the kids and work!
and right now is a season,
when I am watching it all spin..
like a merry go round.
I jump on..
spend time with the kids.
jump off...
breathe a moment.
jump back on...
take care of the house.
Jump off..
breath a moment.
jump back on...
take the kids to their activities.
jump off..
breathe a moment.
Jump back on..
spend time exercising.
Jump off..
breath a moment.
Jump back on...
head to church or work...
off and on, off and on..
and so it goes..
round and round and round...

ITS a merry go round
and sometimes the tune is happy and light..
and sometimes its grating and annoying,
and sometimes I can hardly hear it over the noise around me!

But, this is my life!
and I have reached the place
I would rather be on this crazy merry go round
then watching it spin by!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

OK..I will admit it...

I have been missing in action a teeny bit..
a little tired,
a little busy...
I have a new...
Actually, an old hobby
that I have finally quit ignoring!

My issue with exercise
is actually quite a deep one!
I have always enjoyed working out,
at least since my early twenties!
and while I had 3 kids,
and there was that pregnancy weight thing..
and the new baby stage,
I have always been thin for the most part!

about 5 years ago,
I began to get a little comfortable however!
and began to look at my eating,
and my lack of exercise due to 3 small kids,
and I made some changes!
I gave up meat completely,
I started working out.
I began juicing and I felt GREAT!

Then the bottom fell out of my world
when my husband left!
for weeks at a time I ate nothing!
I was not just thin, I was scary!...

then, after the divorce..
I took up running!
(a good thing!)
I loved it..surprisingly!
I had taken on a challenge and turned this awful thing,
into something good!
I was on my way to being me,..

and then...
I met the man I would go onto marry!
Who within months of meeting
told me he wanted me to work out more,
loose some weight ( I was a size 2 at best!)
and eat differently!
When I said no,
he shared how disappointed he was in me..
and people pleaser, co-dependent, vulnerable and unhealed woman that I was,
I said OK!
and so I did all he said..
for the time I was with him!
I hated it!
I wanted to run not lift weights...
not his style,
I wanted to be a vegetarian ...
not his style,
I wanted to be accepted for me..
not his style either!
The day I left him I was a size 0!
I was bony..and not healthy!
and I was sad to the very depths of my soul!

First thing I did was give up meat again..
and I gave up exercise too!
I rebelled COMPLETELY!!
I was so tired of being told what to do and eat
that I ate what I wanted and when..
and NOW over a year later..and after some 20 HEALTHY pounds gained..
and about 5 or so pounds of NOT so healthy gains..
I am ready to take back up a hobby I enjoy!
and this time
its for me!!
thats when I knew I was ready!
There is no one in my life
who cares what I look like in a bathing suit!
There is no one to impress!
There is just me!
and I want to be healthy
and get back into shape...
and enjoy the time I take each day for me..

and so 2 days in..
hurting in every muscle,
tired to my core..
I own this!
The results, in the end, are ALL mine!

Monday, February 1, 2010


My son is extremely bright!
Not in a run of the mill way..
but in a 'big bang theory' (the show!!) way!
He is logical TO A FAULT!
and conversations are like pulling teeth!

"Can you put that away?"
"yes mom, I can put that away!"
"UGH! WOULD you put it away NOW!!"

"did you complete your homework"
"define complete please?"

If there is a loop hole, he will find it!
word games are his pleasure and passion! and he will win!

as a toddler if I said "jump in the tub"..
he would!! jump that is!
I learned not to say "hop in the car"
"run and fetch me something"..
and other literal sayings!!
He is serious and formal..and a complete trip!

Today he said two classic things!!!
The first
mom "son are you feeling ok?"
son "I do not feel well".
mom "oh no, are you getting sick?"
son "mom, just because I do not feel well, does not mean I am getting sick."
mom "ok, how does that work?"
son "well, mom, you can not feel well and not be sick. But, if you are sick it can be assumed you are not feeling well."

dadgum it...that makes sense!!

The next a few minutes later!
son "I have been feeling queasy in my stomache for a few days!"
mom "sometimes emotions cause that! you have some emotional things happening with friends at school. You don't like complications!"
son " I like Logic puzzles and they are complicated."
mom "yes. but you are dealing with relationship complications. Do you think girls are like logic puzzles?"
son "no! logic puzzles come with clues to help you solve them. Girls do not!"

COMPLETELY serious and sincere!
The most brilliant thing he has ever said!! :)
he gets it!! he really gets it!