Friday, April 30, 2010

erratically normal

recently I was talking
to some one dear to me
who mentioned
this journey I am on,
and how confusing my words
can at times seem.
How one day I have it under control..
and the next day I am falling apart.

I have chosen to bare my soul
and the pain and purpose that my heart holds...
and its true.
I do have it together,
and I am falling apart!
It all depends on the moment.

Today..I experienced a great high..
an amazing experience
that impacted my heart and life!
(I will share more later)
I also experienced great sadness and despair.
All in the same day.
Both things that affected me..
both left me shaken
one by the hope and excitement in life..
and one by the sheer emotions
that loneliness at times
can bring...

The great moment I will wait to share..
the sad moment I will share now,
because it also involves triumph.

Tonight after work
I joined a running group
and ran a 5k.
The first 5k I have run
in 3 years,
and only the second one I have run in my life.
My goal was to finish..
and I did.

Once again, I felt the empowerment
that comes with over coming,
and doing something hard (for me)
and giving it all I had to give.
That moment lasted for a bit after the run,
and then a wave of complete devastation hit!
I felt completely lonely in the crowd.
this group of couples and families..
a few people I knew,
but none who belonged to me.
No-one knew what it took for me to get where I am,
no-one understood or cared intimatly about my journey
back to a fit body AND soul..

In the physical sense,
(putting my faith aside..)
I run alone..
I live alone..
I over come alone..
and I experience the WIN alone...
and it felt very......alone.

I had to walk away.....

The tears fell
as I walked...
and I felt the sadness in my core.

This aspect of life
is not about the loss of a person,
or relationship.
It is not heart break over a divorce,

it is the reality that at this stage in my life,
I did not see myself alone.

I envisioned sharing my life and triumphs and hurts
with my partner.
I expected to spend my life, raising kids,
having date nights
talking about life with the one I loved.
I just did not see my life this way.

And yet, I am Ok with it.
I accept it.
I often fight for it,
and even desire aspects of it.
and yet,
there are moments
that the unexpected place I am
still brings about a stab of unexpected pain...

and thats the way it works.
its there in some ways every day!
sometimes there is empowerment and acheivement...
Sometimes there is excitement and joy..
sometimes there is worry and fear...
and sometimes there is loneliness and despair..
And often its all in the same time frame.

its erratic..
and its normal..
and which part of my day you might hear
(or read)
will be the one
that in this day..
leaves the heaviest imprint on my heart!

or sometimes its the most recent imprint...
which is why the words that follow
might be of something so different
and impacting in such a different way.

Erraticly normal..thats me!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

the rules keep changing...

I am feeling
a little more ready
then I felt before...
as I grow and evolve,
as I begin to unfurl the wings
I finally seemed to have found..
I am feeling more open and receptive
to the next stage of this new life I live..
yes, *gasp* dating!

But, heres the problem..
(OK so I find lots of problems
with this subject)
Here is ONE problem;
the rules have changed but I have not.
I don't call boys..:)
OK..I call them AFTER we have a relationship!
(and I know this based on the WHOLE 2 relationships
I have had! ha!)
But, I know I want to be the lady!
I know I want to be called and asked out!
I know I want a little more tradition
then a text..
or fax..
or even email.

And yet,
in reading blogs
and watching single folks around,
I see that in the 17 plus years
I spent married
(albeit it to two different men)
dating has changed.
Men seem to like woman who take the initiative,
who know what they want..

Here's the thing;
I have come a long way!
I have reached a place
that I know who I am,
what I desire
and who I aspire to be.
and I know this...
I will wait as long as it takes
to bump into 'tradition'
and some one old fashioned enough
to want to ask,
and woo...
yup I said woo:)!!

until then..
I feel excited to be in this place
that says
whatever shall come will come,
and I feel ready to face
whatever that might be!

Monday, April 26, 2010

What I now know..until I learn more..

I have learned
that when you think
you are whole
you will find new breaks.

I have learned
that when it seems
weakness is all that's left
you will find new strength!

I have learned
that grief
ebbs and flows..
some times you are well
some times you are not
but each time you are further
then before.

I have learned
that there is wisdom
in not rushing the healing,
because new moments
of hurt
will catch you unaware.

I have learned
that when you come through
the lesson
you are something new
and it is good..

I have learned
that we all have individual ways to cope.
I thought I healed as I ran,
I found I heal when I stop running
and walk,
and am the end of me..
because that is when I am finally still,
inside and out.

I have learned
that there are different aspects
of overcoming a divorce.
there is the grief over the loss of the love..
then comes the grief over the loss of the life
you knew..

At some point comes the reality of facing it alone;
and the knowledge that this fact can empower you
and completely devastate you..
depending on the moment!

I have learned many lessons..
with many still to learn.
Each lesson I carry with me,
and each day I am not sure which side of the lesson
I will be on.

Above all I have learned
That life is hard!
That life is good!
That being alone is relative!
That God is there!
And I am OK!..

Saturday, April 24, 2010


After I ran today,
I walked..
and walked
and walked...

It was a time of quiet
and birds singing,
the breeze was blowing the leaves..
and my heart was throbbing.

I am overwhelmed
in moments
at the pain
that lingers
deep in the recess's
of my heart!
Its not on the surface
or accessible all of the time.
But, its there..
waiting for me to reach it..
touch it
and then let it go!

I discovered today
as I opened myself up
to feeling hurt
I often ignore..
that as I opened the wound
the hurt was purged
and the closure complete!

one wound
one scar
one walk
one mile
at a time....

My faith,
my father above,
my broken heart
and I...
and slowly moving beyond!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

same old...same new

For 16 months
I could tell you
on any given day..
how many months
and how many days
it had been
since I left my short-lived
but toxic

It was so traumatic
and dark
and lonely
that I could still remember
the fear
and the abyss of the unknown,
that I faced that night.

And then the other day
I said to myself
"wait, has it been 16 or 17 months?"
and I had to do the math!
WOW!!! I am letting it go..
Letting go of that dark night!
Letting go of the weekend that followed.
Letting go of facing an event
with no inner strength or confidence,
just complete determination.
Letting go of the enormous burden I felt
in protecting myself and my family
without any plan as to what that would look like...
I realized in the moment
of doing 'the math'
that finally,
I was starting to let it go!

and then a few weeks later
the 17th month anniversary arrived.
I looked at the date
often that day
but it did not register
until that night
what day it was.
What it meant.

The hold is loosening,
the power of fear
loosing its grip..
the past is becoming just that.
My strength in the present
is greater then the prison
of the past.

and it no longer matters..
1 year,
13 months,
16 months,
or now 17..
I am free!!

And slowly the freedom
is invading my heart
and my soul..
and its no longer a word
or a prayer!
It has become my utter and complete
state of being!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

reality bites....OK it aches...

Most days and moments
I am OK..
just me!
But, today I feel alone.
not lonely...alone.

I feel the ache of not
having someone
on 'your side'..
someone who whether they agree
or disagree
has sworn allegiance!
I am loved and supported by my family
and friends!
But, there is a whole other level
to feeling a part of a whole,
when some one CHOOSES you.
CHOOSES to love you!
CHOOSES to face hurdles with you!
CHOOSES to be your support.

When you face the bumps in life,
maybe a health scare,
maybe a fight with a friend,
maybe a fall out at work...
and you have no-one waiting at home
to say " WHAT??!!!NO!" :)
no-one to take your side JUST because its YOU!
I miss that!!
I miss someone who knows my heart and intentions
even when my actions or words
cause dissension..
someone who understands what I meant
even if its not what I said..
or did!

And so today,
I feel that ache!!
That ache as I face
some small bumps;
as an island unto myself..
that ache at not being
for me..
that ACHE that the one
who said they would do that
did not

Its an ache that will not stay,
like the bumps I am facing
it will pass...
but its an ache that reminds me
how hurt I still am.
What a long way up the mountain
the path to healing is..
How far I have climbed
and yet how far from the top I still am.

And then I wonder,
maybe this is as high as I can go?
Maybe this is where I pitch my tent
and begin to accept
and grow
and grasp
that where I am
is where I am meant to be.
..for now..
And yes, it will ache in moments.
But, the alternative has hurt more.
and yes, at times I feel the despair
of facing life alone...
but, I can change that if I choose..
when and if I am ever ready.

And so I accept this moment for just that.
a moment.
I will focus on my FAITH..
Faith in my creator,
Faith in my future
and Faith in the HOPE
that the present resides within.

Monday, April 19, 2010

RUNNING..towards..or away?

I run.
Not because I can..
But, instead because I can't!

I am not a very good runner,
in fact I am pretty lousy at it.
I find it hard.
I find it hot.
and it hurts.

I do not run to be an amazing athlete.
But, I run with passion,
and with purpose.

I run because
every time I run;
reminds me
of what I have run from,
run through,
and run towards.

At 32 years old I had never run EVER.
If you asked me why?
I would tell you that I could not.
I liked to work out..
I enjoyed the gym..
loved to walk,
and do machines..
But, run?
I just could not!
It hurt my throat,
It hurt to breathe,
It hurt my chest...
Not my thing.

In August 2005 I was at the beach
with my parents and children.
My life was falling apart.
My marriage looked to be over,
despite my fighting with all I had.
I was at the beach to recoup some energy,
in order to go back home and face
what looked to be an inevitable
and very destructive storm.

As I walked the beach one night,
my life felt out of control.
decisions were made without me,
that were affecting the immediate present,
they were changing the rest of my life..
and even forever affecting my perception of the past.
Nothing was left untouched!
And, there was nothing I could do.

I knew I could not do this.
I knew I needed something
to help me feel in control.
I needed to do something
I could not do
and succeed.
and so I ran!...

3 minutes and I was winded

5 months later I ran a 5k.
Just 3 miles..But huge in so many ways.
as I ran that race..
each mile represented something I had over come..
and by the last mile..
as I drew near the finish line;
I knew I would be OK.

I am running again..
its been a while.
But, every day my running
reminds me of my life..
It gives me peace in the present,
comfort in the past..
and hope for the future!

some days it takes
everything I have
to reach my goal.
when I get there I am reminded
that if I stick with it
I will eventually make
it to the finish line.
some days I reach my goal
and push through...
This reminds me that
I can achieve more then I expect.
And some days I never make it
as far as putting on my shoes.
These days I am reminded
that some days
it takes all we have
just to walk..

but, theres always tomorrow..
and the shoes will be there waiting!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

back to basics..

so I hit bottom..
at least there is only one way
to go from there.

I am learning
that there really is no way to plan.
Life has a different schedule
then I do.
Some weeks things go one way
and it feels like its all flowing,
with three kids, a full time job, several animals..
and plenty of activities..
things only stay the same a few days a time.
So as soon as I settle
there is a disturbance.

So, instead of creating a permanent solution,
I dealt with this weekend as is.
Knowing that no matter what happens this weekend
next weekend will look different..
THIS weekend
I got the oldest to camp, packed and on time.
I got the youngest to the birthday party
she had anticipated all week.
I managed a girls night with my daughters
last night,
complete with doing nails, eating junkfood
and watching a movie..
I had some alone time with my middle child
VITAL for her (and me!)
I went running while the girls rode their bikes
beside me,
and I did the yoga DVD I have been dreading.
and then I did all the things that must be done..
The house, the laundry, the pet care, the organizing...

The amazing part
is I got ALL that done
and it leaves me a whole day left..
what a wonderful feeling.
Once more learning
when we think we are done
we will surprise ourselves..
and when we push through
we should reward ourselves.

I shall enjoy time at church tomorrow..
and then I shall come home
and take a needed
guilt free afternoon
for me!!

Friday, April 16, 2010

the plateau

it always amazes me
that my emtions can run on high..
my enery at full throttle;
I go through the week
feeling the injustices of the world,
railing against being misunderstood,
fearful of finances,
frustrated that my working out
seems to be paying off in
I.O.U's rather then dividends,
excited about achievements the children share,
exhausted by behavior that seems to have no cure,
energetic about my job and working to my best potential...
I work,
I play,
I share,
I live.
All to my highest capacity!

And then,
seemingly from no-where..
whether its mommyhood
or single hood
or life..
It's done,
I am done.
Just done..
All of a sudden I am too tired..
too tired to care what someone else thinks..
to tired to worry about that pesky electric bill..
to tired to engage over the 'sassy' battle...
to tired to wonder if I will ever feel less guarded then I feel now...
to tired to be excited about the new life and happenings around me...

Just like that.
I have hit a plateau.
I do not want to fight.
or try.
or overcome.
or play the game.
or better yet try and understand it.
I don't want to..well...
I just don't want to.

Today I must just be...
and allow my body
and mind
the time to catch up
to the emotions
that race at will
and exhaust my every cell.
I must relax
as activity and moving
are part of who I am,
and part of what I must do
to survive and provide.
Today I must settle..
to allow the week to end,
and to have the energy to welcome in a new one,
and then to do this ALL over again
next week.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Friendship on the brain..or the heart!

So, some of the responses
to yesterdays blog
made the think..
women spoke of their friendships
with married men.
This topic is major for me..

when I was married
I did not think married men and women
could be friends with the opposite sex...
(married or single)
I have friends now
who feel that..
and some who would feel differently.
I often think
about how I will feel
if I am ever in a committed
relationship again.

Its all very well
to be Ok with male friends
when I am happily single..
but what about when I am not?
what is OK?
what is not?
how do you define boundaries?

My story is cliche..
I was very jealous..
hubby was quite involved with 'friendships'
and opposite sex interactions.
I had reason to be jealous..
but, wonder how did it start?
I was always jealous!
did my jealousy
cause his need to pull away...
did his need to pull away
cause my jealousy?

OF course,...I was insecure..
I probably still might be.
My insecurity in on the outside..
not beneath the surface.
As a wife I was confident..
as a mother self-assured..
I am pretty sure of who I am now..
and have become more independent
(a past insecurity)..
my body is not such an issue..
because that you can control.
You can work out if you choose..
you can eat right if you want to.
BUT, as is custom for me
I will own my insecurity out loud;

I have never really felt 'pretty'...
for what that's worth.
there is a reason..
maybe one day I will blog it..
no need to reassure:)!!
and not to be overly dramatic..
I know, that like all women..
I can dress up and look attractive
and feel good about myself.
I get that people might describe
me as 'cute'.
All good things..
but that's different then pretty!
and that's OK...
but that's that!
And I never felt 'footloose and fun'..
and I am not.
I am easy going..
and I like to do new things...
and I am kind..
and I like conversation..
and I like to laugh!
BUT, I am not a party in a box!!..

SO, my then husband spending time
with pretty and/or exciting woman
made me feel

However, it changed nothing.
I felt all that
expressed that..
fought against that..
but it still happened.
Can you stop someone who plans
to leave,
even if only in their heart?
is jealousy a wasted emotion?
and does stopping your husband or wife
from friendships with the opposite sex
change the inevitable,
if the inevitable shall be??

One day I will face this again.
Will I fear
in the same way?
or worse?
Will I have learned enough to let go?
Will I know which boundaries
are fair
and which are inappropriate?
How do you learn
and know?
when all you have been taught
has been slanted in dysfunction?

And where do you go for these lessons?
How do you know and own
whats healthy..
even if it causes some inner turmoil?

How do you learn without doing?
so you can do
without having to relearn
all over again??

I guess this is a start?
the owning the fears
and facing the future..
knowing our pasts tends to creep back
when we least expect it.
so being prepared;
and armed as best as possible...
with healthy perspective
and attitude,
might be the only safe guard
against getting caught unaware!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Just friends...really??

I have read many self-help books
about recovering from divorce...
and not repeating mistakes!

Many suggest friendships
with the opposite sex..
the premise being;
you come to know how to relate..
set boundaries..
without all the confines and pressures
that a romance brings.
In addition men give woman different insight
and perspective
and visa versa..

I have not had male friends since high school!
not really..
a few mutual friends of my ex husbands
during our marriaige..
and I consider the husbands of some
of my good friends, my friends too...
But, not chat and relate and even hang out friends.
so the idea is great...
but where do you start
and how?

There are two types of men.

single men are not that interested in friendship,
at least not when they are
approaching me for a date, it seems.
married men..
theres a whole other issue.
because naturally there are boundaries
and me being single
causes natural insecurities
no matter how light
or surface the friendship might be.

So,wheres a girl to go to make male friends..
and is that an oxy-moron?
Some people say it is.

But, it matters to me
because I am just not ready for romance.
and while I am told
I will know when I am ready
I am pretty sure
I will fight it pretty hard.

But, what I want
is to learn and understand from men..
that are not wanting something from me,
or hiding something from me.
I would like to learn
who I relate too..
who I do not.
I would like to learn to speak my mind,
in positive ways with men,
something I struggled with in relationships..
within the safe confines of friendship.

I would like male friends.
I see the benefits..
I want the insight..
I want the experience...
but, I seem to be limited
in my choices

who will be just my friend..
or can be my friend..
or even should, I guess.

Is it true?
can men and woman just not be friends?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Just for fun..award and things YOU don't know..

Thank you to Social Butterfly
Awards and recognition are always fun..

Now I am supposed to tell you 7 things YOU do not know..
that will be hard..
then nominate 7 people..!
However, instead I shall tell you the things..
and leave it up to you
as to whether you would like to pass this on!
I love all my bloggy friends,
and just cannot pick!
The people pleaser in me
does not want to hurt any ones feelings!:)
I guess my co-dependency
cannot be one of my 7 things now!! Ha!

My 7 things;
1) I am struggling to get in shape!
The stress and chaos
of the last year has taken its toll...
I neglected my body
and my health.
I am finding the journey back into shape
is a lot harder then the journey out of shape!!

2)I have a tattoo...
a small one.rose on my ankle.

3)I have lived on 2 continents, in 3 different countries and 5 different states.

4)I am completely and utterly disorganized.
But, in a very organized way.
I know where everything is,
even when its bizarre;
like the paper towels in the hamper.

5)I wish that I had joined green peace
before getting married.
I guess I wish I had followed my heart,
grown up a little,
and could look back with no regrets!
I might still join...
who knows..
maybe when the kids leave home..;)

6)I no longer have a greatest fear!
I did have one...
as much as I loved my kids (with all my heart)
my greatest fear,
was loosing the love of my life.
Maybe this was because
deep down I knew it could happen,
and sometimes
we fear reality more then uncertainty.
It happened..
my greatest fear came to pass.
Now, I know life hurts and is unpredictable.
I have fears, like all people..
But, none that I classify
as I did this one..
and if I survived this..
kept breathing..
kept going..
I can survive some how the rest!

7)The thing I like LEAST about being single
is the place I belong
or don't...
that does not quite fit
in with the rest of my life..
to my married friends..
I am the single gal..
to my single friends..
the mother of 3..
to some men a mom
more then a single woman!
to some woman a threat
more then a single friend!
to all..
a place at the table without a pair..
no-one knows:
do they leave me
on weekends alone,
do they feel for me
and invite me along..
not a big deal..
just a place
that is neither here or there...

OK..thats my 7!
if you share yours PLEASE let me know
so I can read them too...

Monday, April 12, 2010

bitter sweet..mostly sweet

I took my kids to the local fair yesterday...
I live in a small town.
The fair is the thing to do...
we set our calenders by it...
and I have been going to this same fair
since I was 13 years old.

At 17 years old
I went for the first time;
with the boy who would one day
be the man
I gave my heart too.
We moved away after we got married..
we returned when our son
was 18 months old.
I still see those pictures in my mind..
we of course, took him to the fair..
and then every year since..
a few years later it was with two children,
then three..
we met family,
we met friends....
The fair was a high light in the year..
but more importantly
it was a night of family fun,
and laughs..
holding hands
and throwing balls to win goldfish...

My mind has held every memory,
but now that's all they are...memories.
The children have gotten older..
the marriage is over...
family has moved away..
and friends have drifted apart!!

it should have been all bitter...
this visit to the patch of land
that held my heart prints..
instead it was a mix.
The sweet was that it was my 'family'..
the four of us..
and the kids had fun..
and I could contentedly watch them ride the rides..

I thought a lot,
but my heart stayed
just a moment on the sad thoughts;
and skipped on to the new experience.
these children who are now enjoying the fair..
at close to the age I was when I came the first time.
They saw friends from school,
they rode fast rides,
they ate a candy apple
and one got sick!

the circle of life...
and so the new phase begins,
and with a little sadness I say good bye to what was,
and with a lot of peace I say hello
to what shall from this point on be!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The power of the written word

Many of the comments to my blog last night
included support
from my 'blogger' friends.

Just over a year ago
I did not know about blogging,
nor did I know the release
that written words could bring.

I am not a writer...
I never have been!
BUT, all my life I have kept journals..
I started when I was 10..
I keep journals to my kids as well..
so in essence written words have always been
my favorite form of expression,
but it took my heart breaking
to understand the power
that writing holds!

for that reason
my blog is invaluable to me.
When something happens
I yearn to write it down.
I hold it in my heart
needing it released..
and as soon as the words begin to flow
the release comes!

BUT, a benefit I never knew
or understood
that has come from public writing
is the people I have met along the way!
People who read my story
and who share theirs...
People who share a heart connection with me,
even though we will probably never meet in person!

My blog is healing..
but not just because of the words
I write..
My blog is healing
because of the words written in return!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

isolating our vulnerability...

many months and months ago
when I was alone on the weekends
I was lonely..
I wished I had someone to spent time with..
someone to do things with!

That passed..
I hope one day the feeling returns,
but for now
I am happy alone.

But, what I miss?
someone to talk to..
someone who knows what the day held
and cares about my fears and hurts..
someone to cheer me on
and encourage me as I try new things.

I see that in this area
I am vulnerable..
It might be good..
it might be bad.
I will never ultimately let anyone in
unless I have a need or desire
for something they offer...

As I biked alone today
and wished I could tell someone
about the silly things that happened..
and wished even deeper
that some one knew where I was..
I realised that for me
thats whats missing..
someone who takes ownership of me.

age old desire...
some one to love me..
like me..
want me..
for now,
I just miss someone
who knows me...

so the age old dilema commences..
how do you fill the void
without falling into an unhealthy trap.

As always,
I walk this and learn..
no answers just assumptions
and hits and misses..
but I feel for now
that finding new challenges,
doing new things,
meeting new people,
and sharing commonalities
with others
will be the key
to being healthy
and staying healthy...

until the shift happens
and I am known and loved
by one who chooses to be beside me..
and accepts me
and who takes ownership in all the right ways
of my heart and deepest parts of my soul..

Until then its just me..
and it up to me to face this,
over come it
and triumph...

But,I am not alone,
I have my faith!
I have my family!
I have my friends!
and I have determination
that reminds me;
'going backwards is NOT an option'..
thats enough..
thats everything!

Friday, April 9, 2010

missteps that become permanent mistakes

some mistakes you learn from..
some mistakes cause damage..
some mistakes you regret forever..

and some just will not go away!

When we teach our girls about love,
and boys and men...
we teach them about broken hearts,
we teach them about values
and being careful.
we teach them about 'boys' wanting more
then they want to give...
we teach them to be true to themselves
and look for love that is real.
but do we teach them about 'boys'
who will not let them go?
do we teach them that some relationships
will exact a price higher then the initial price tag?

I have learned that lesson
now that I am all grown up.

I learned the lesson of hurt
and broken hearts..
I learned the lesson that you can love
and not have it returned,
and then I learned that some men
seek power and control
by trying to instill fear.
for some men 12,14,18, months is not long enough
for them to let go..
I find this curious,
that men of strength
would allow themselves to be so weak.
but I also find curious
how I, once so weak,
can feel so strong ..
I can see how pathetic
being focused on
in such an unhealthy way is..
I hope the one who has not let go..
who seeks control and power
by attaining visual information..
will also begin
to respect the power of a small town!

a small town owns its own..
and sees all!

so as we teach our girls
that there is a greater price to pay
for loving the wrong person
then just a broken heart..
lets also teach them
the beauty and power
of friends , family
and a town that allows no shadows.
no hidden places for cowardly men to hide!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

what happened to my week..

I find it crazy
that when time is mine
it disappears!
when it belongs to some one else
it drags..

This week is spring break!
I had so much to do.
I would say I have done 1/10th
of what I hoped!

BUT, I did have 2 cats
give birth in my utility room..
so we have 5 kittens to watch grow!
I did take the kids to the park every day..
sometimes until late at night!
I have taken up running again,
now I just have to figure out
how to keep doing it
when work starts again:)...

so the time flew,
I did little I had planned..
but alot I did not expect!

one more day....
to do the unexpected!
Planned to have NO plans..
to spend the day
with the kids...
maybe at the park..
maybe at the pool...
maybe at the mall...
we shall see
when we get in the car
and drive
rather then predict
how the day will go!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

my word...

I have seen blogs,
and face book status updates
that go along the lines of..
if you had a 'word'
that described you or your life
what would it be?

I wish mine was something
and breath taking!
BUT, its not..
the word that is my life
Not a day goes by that
something does not go differently
then planned!

Monday our beloved family cat
was hit by a car..
Tuesday a homeless cat
that visits to eat;
had kittens in our utility room!
did not see that coming...
That same day
middle child
develops high fever!
home bound for a bit!
Then this morning
I had a physical
and received lab results..
no so great!
anemic and LOW white blood cell count..
have to build in time for follow ups!

The point is
that NOT one of these events
was planned for!
It was not on my 'to do' list
and yet,
its part of life!
so flexible it is..
my word..
my life..
my moment!

Maybe one day it will be stability
or security..
or comfortable...
or infatuated..
or cherished...

BUT, today it is what it is..
and what it is constantly changes
from one moment to the next..
it ebbs and flows
rises and falls..
there are ups and downs..
there are smiles and tears...
sometimes all in the same day,
or hour.
so I will accept my word
and continue to be
what for now seems to be my calling..
Thats my word..whats yours?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

just like that..a sad shift in focus..

so yesterday
I was wondering where to start.
Overwhelmed with all to do,
not enough time..
way to many plans...

And then,
one of our cats..
was hit by a car and killed.
and the focus shifted!
just like that!!
Nothing on my list got done,
as I comforted my children.
They were beautiful and compassionate
in their heart break.
My son stepped into his young mans role;
digging the grave,
hammering the little cross...
the girls brought flowers and painted rocks..
all cried.
Its very sad.

As their mom
I know that this is a slice of life!
It hurts and more hurt with follow.
As children
they cannot imagine much worse.

Its these moments
that leave me as a mom..
how do you comfort them
and make it OK?

I did all I knew,
I listened,
I held them,
I allowed them space,
and I sat outside with my youngest
when she decided she was going to keep
a vigil
by the grave.

I do know that for that space of time,
nothing else
that needed to be done
was done!

and maybe theres the answer..
fall into place
when you recognise
the moments
that supersede
the plans and priorities
you thought you had..
priorities shift
and move like quick sand..
and sometimes they become
the moment
that can be ignored
but will forever leave regret
if its not taken and lived to its fullest.

The moment that lives forever in your heart..
as opposed to the moment that fades and dissapears
and merges into all the others.

Monday, April 5, 2010

priorities..? where to start...

Some times I wonder if I
will ever ACTUALLY
catch up
on all that needs doing.

I have a week off for spring break,
if I spent the week doing
all the things I SHOULD;
dentists, Dr's,and misc appointments;
I would have no time for anything else.

If I spend the week
NOT doing those things,
I have to take off work
or put those things off
until the summer!
I also have a yard full of JUNK,
stuff that has accumulated
or been moved and needs a home,
a trailer full of things to sort,sell
or toss,
kids rooms that have been 'let go'
to some degree
for months
(you know, the closets and under the beds.!)
I am moving my middle child into my room,
(I get the couch)
which involves sorting EVERYTHING
theirs and mine...
I have animals that need baths
and cages to clean,
a car thats a disaster area,
a porch to sweep and tidy,
weeds and weeds and more weeds...
A utility room that has become a 'catch all'
therefore its time for a clean,
not to mention its a new addition
and needs a coat of paint!
I have laundry to do..
winter clothes to put away,
summer clothes to sort out..
I will admit my artificial Christmas tree
is STILL on my porch..
still assembled..
I am sure with all types of things
nesting in the branches!!

So where do you start??
Its a problem working moms
married or single have..
but being single means
I also have the oil to change,
the yard to mow (or get mowed)
the shed to clear out,
the green house to de-weed..
ect, ect, ect...

so when do you throw up your arms in defeat?
how do you pick the priority?
as in truth
they are ALL priorities..
and this is the week off!:)
its almost funny...
because in addition to all that
my FIRST priority
is my kiddos!
Time with them
a week for them off school,
and time that we don't normally have!

OH, and have I mentioned
and eating right?
and a few minutes here and there for me?

so, now that I know
how much there is to do..
and I really would rather ignore it all..
I will take it in pieces and steps..
and maybe the priority is NOT doing it all..
but instead doing all I can,
and learning to live with
or without the rest!

Because ultimately
getting your to do list done,
yet living in stress and dysfunction
may not make the to do list so worth doing...

Saturday, April 3, 2010 much more the bunnies...

Happy Easter all..
My children and I
are celebrating this weekend
with family.
That includes the beach
and good food.
But, greater then that
the weekend to celebrate
my lord Jesus Christ.

He has carried me
when my legs would not stand alone.
He has loved me
when I was sure no-one else would.
He has protected me
when the storms proved too strong.
He has sheltered me
when the roof caved in,
He has listened to me
when I have cried out in pain.
He has waited for me
when I have been to busy for him.
He has proven over and over
that his love knows no boundaries
and his gift of life
is mine...

His sacrifice upon the cross
was for me...and you..

all my flaws..
all my quirks..
all my mistakes..
all my baggage..
all my fears...
all my inadequecies...
all my human-ness..
He died for me!
and he would do it again...
for me..for you...

Thank you Lord for being my best friend
and my most faithful and true love!
Thank you for giving me faith and hope
and belief,
and the peace that only you can provide.
In you I find my footing..
In you I have my foundation!
With you I take another step..
and another..
and face each day..
knowing that the best is still to come!
and above all knowing that whatever
comes my way
I will NEVER face it alone!
Happy Easter!