tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80148800436267979802012-01-31T08:40:25.541-08:00a single moms journey to peace, happiness, freedom and contentment.Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.comBlogger4921100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-29493317275307541692012-01-30T18:03:00.000-08:002012-01-30T18:30:26.065-08:00There is so much I have<br />learned<br />these past 5 years..<br />but one of the greatest<br />lessons,<br />is that each person<br />must face their personal hurt<br />and deal with it-<br />their way!<br /><br />As I watch friends face<br />similar circumstances..<br />I see all the different<br />ways<br />we have dealt with it!!<br />I also watch<br />a friend,<br />who is facing something<br />I cannot imagine<br />and know,<br />that there is no manual<br />for deep grief.<br /><br />I have made some choices<br />I would make differently,<br />I have made some choices<br />I would make the same way again!<br /><br />Some things<br />I am still learning,<br />some things I am still<br />messing up!<br />But, sometimes<br />the only way I learn<br />is by trying-<br />no matter the outcome!<br /><br />Sometimes I want to date,<br />and sometimes I am perfectly OK<br />alone...<br />always I hope that it will JUST happen..<br />but sometimes I wonder if thats reality!<br /><br />Sometimes I feel lonely,<br />sometimes I enjoy the freedom...<br />always I remember how I got here-<br />and sometimes I remind myself<br />that this is where I am meant to be!<br /><br />Sometimes I feel I have found my place,<br />sometimes I wonder if I will ever<br />find 'the one'..<br />always I know that contentment starts in me-<br />and sometimes I am sure that it is enough!<br /><br />Sometimes I save,<br />sometimes I spend..<br />always I live in the moment..<br />and sometimes I plan for the moment that has<br />not yet arrived.<br /><br />Sometimes I fail,<br />Sometimes I thrive,<br />always I try..<br />and Sometimes I am sure that the best<br />is yet to come!!<br /><br />and sometimes<br />I wonder if this is it!?<br />Is this the best?<br />and then I know..<br />that maybe it is!<br />and I also know..<br />that THIS is more than OK!<br />This is my LIFE!<br />This is exactly where I want to be!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2949331727530754169?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-42041319251211781682012-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:002012-01-28T14:27:43.799-08:00So much of being a single mom..<br />is something that I now<br />take in stride!!<br /><br />I have come to be comfortable<br />taking the kids on vacation..<br />or just off for the day!<br />I am managing the running<br />around..<br />and getting everyone where<br />they are meant to be.<br /><br />I still find some of it hard-<br />when there is an issue<br />that I wish I had immediate help-<br />I now wait until a good time<br />to call their dad..<br />versus walk into the other room<br />to talk to him.<br />Sometimes meeting 3 children's<br />emotional needs<br />is overwhelming..<br />But, I take each moment<br />one at a time!<br /><br />However, the hardest part<br />is managing all the physical<br />aspects<br />of running a home!<br />Its not just the inside..<br />its the outside..<br />its the car..<br />the shed...<br />the garden...<br />the patio..<br />You name it!<br />If its in the home-<br />out of the home-<br />parked in the driveway-<br />breathing within, out, or near<br />your home..<br />YOU are responsible!!<br /><br />And add to that..<br />that if one has an area of weakness<br />there is noone<br />to balance that out!<br />So whether you are organized,<br />disorganized, a neat freak, a slob...<br />its ALL you..<br />That is sometimes<br />where the true stress comes in..<br />no-one to take an area<br />because they are better at that than you!<br /><br />And so..<br />it is what it is!<br />I have a lot to manage<br />and I do what I can..<br />some of it well...<br />and some not so much!!<br /><br />Accepting<br />that its too much for one person,<br />is a start!<br />And accepting that<br />what I do-<br />is enough!<br />Its all I have!<br />its just what it should be!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4204131925121178168?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-17831438136093702372012-01-17T18:51:00.000-08:002012-01-17T19:03:31.562-08:003 years after a major crisis..<br />5 years after loosing the only<br />life I knew..<br />I have finally begun to reclaim<br />what was!<br /><br />For years I knew I was<br />'surviving'..<br />and then I knew I was thriving!<br />but, within what my present held;<br />little resembled my past..<br /><br />I was managing well<br />as a single mom.<br />I was making my kids<br />my priority...<br />doing well at my job...<br />balancing home<br />and activities!<br /><br />But, there were areas<br />that I was just keeping<br />my head above water!<br />Sometimes<br />letting the kids eat on the couch<br />or on the go..<br />sometimes<br />eating left overs<br />over and over...<br />doing things for them<br />they could do..<br />carrying it all alone.<br /><br />slowly..<br />I have begun to reclaim!<br />slowly<br />meals came back to the table..<br />chores were implemented..<br />help insisted on!<br />I have decided to love cooking-<br />or at least tolerate it!<br />I have changed the times of<br />extra curricular<br />activities<br />to better suit family dinners!<br /><br />I am finding the step<br />beyond thriving...<br />I am reclaiming<br />the parts of my life<br />that I loved..<br />I am relearning<br />what that looks like alone..<br />and I am redefining<br />my purpose,<br />one moment at a time!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1783143813609370237?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-846598249537450832012-01-12T17:47:00.000-08:002012-01-12T18:09:58.055-08:00The last several years<br />of my life,<br />have held many lessons!<br />And so many<br />of them,<br />have been taught<br />through heartache..<br />some through smiles-<br />most through some event<br />that changed the shape<br />of my heart!<br /><br />I have learned patience!<br />I have been alone<br />a while..<br />I am OK<br />with that!<br />I might fall in love..<br />I might not!<br />Sometimes I wish..<br />sometimes not so much!<br />I can wait for whats right!<br /><br />I have learned self sufficiency..<br />I enjoy the people around me,<br />my friends matter...<br />I like to be social-<br />but, I can be isolated<br />and survive!<br />My 'need' is different!<br /><br />I have learned to love openly..<br />I have learned how to<br />truly hug-<br />how to tell my dearest friends<br />how much I love<br />and appreciate them!<br />I have learned to express<br />what those in my life<br />mean to me!<br />I love without holding back..<br /><br />I have learned to hurt..<br />I have come to understand<br />-in some small way-<br />the process of sadness..<br />I know that it must be faced,<br />and I also trust<br />that I do not have to fear<br />the past repeating-<br />if I confront<br />and own,<br />how I got there to begin with!<br />I have allowed the pain-<br /><br />I have learned to let go!<br />There are so many<br />I have lost in the process!<br />Dear Friends I have lost touch with..<br />good friends that time does not allow<br />for time with..<br />acquaintances with whom<br />commonalities are no longer<br />evident-<br />I miss people I shared<br />life times of memories with!<br />I still hope..<br />that re-connections will be made..<br />that life will allow<br />the time for moments together-<br />But, I have learned<br />to allow the end of what was<br />if that is the only option there is...<br /><br />The lessons learned<br />are not all good..<br />but neither are they bad!<br />They are lessons<br />that have helped to shape me<br />and create the person<br />I am right now!<br />There are lessons still to come..<br />but these-<br />I can see<br />and understand!<br />these..<br />have become my own!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-84659824953745083?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-2152339927232244872012-01-05T19:45:00.000-08:002012-01-05T19:58:26.094-08:00I am learning to find blessings<br />even in the clouds.<br /><br />I have found<br />that when I see whats good...<br />it distracts me from what is not!<br /><br />Sometimes,<br />Its easy to get caught up<br />in the negatives..<br />sometimes<br />I feel frustrated with my kids..<br />or my bills..<br />but, then I try and remember<br />what I have and what it means!<br /><br />I have learned that<br />getting a given a new jacket<br />for my littlest-<br />when the old one gets to small-<br />does not change the fact<br />that the power bill is high<br />or the rent due..<br />Getting blessed<br />with unexpected food<br />does not change the fact<br />that sometimes I feel lonely<br />and my heart hurts...<br /><br />but,...<br />its a reminder!<br />Its a reminder<br />that people are good!<br />That life is to be lived!<br />That God is in control!<br /><br />And when its hard..<br />its the small things-<br />the gift of a comforter for my daughter..<br />or new purse for me..<br />or space heaters for my home..<br />its those things<br />that remind me..<br />that the big things?<br />they will pass!<br />It will be OK...<br />and that God is there!!<br />To provide, or to carry..<br />or to comfort!<br />and that...<br />is enough!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-215233992723224487?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-33415992957111275112011-12-30T05:49:00.000-08:002011-12-30T08:07:06.935-08:00Every year I make resolutions...<br />One year it was to run..<br />Last year to knit...<br />This year I want to learn<br />how to really cook!<br /><br />But, I also<br />look at who I am..<br />How am I living my life..<br />what are my strengths?<br />What are my weaknesses?<br /><br />This year I look<br />at my kids...<br />I love being a mom!<br />I have few regrets!<br />There is always more<br />I could do..<br />or be!<br />But, all in all..<br />I want to continue to love..<br />to communicate!<br />I want to spend time with my kids..<br />while giving them their own<br />space to grow!<br />What I will change?<br />I want to be more willing<br />to let them face their own<br />consequences...<br />and not so willing to take the price<br />on their behalf!<br /><br />My relationship with my ex...<br />(their dad)<br />amicable-<br />and yet?<br />I have held onto resentment..<br />I can be passive aggressive-<br />I share 'our' story<br />as if I need to defend<br />why, we are where we are..<br />and I realize-<br />its not always my story to tell!<br />And so,<br />This year I resolve;<br />to think before<br />I make the comment,<br />or share the history,<br />or not give him the chance<br />to prove me wrong!<br />I resolve<br />to let go ALL the hurt feelings<br />and ANY resentment<br />that may still be there!<br /><br />My friendships...<br />I want to be a better friend!<br />I want to reach out more!<br />I want to remember<br />my friends hurts and joys!<br />I can be a good friend!<br />I love those close to me!<br />But, am I spreading that love..<br />or sharing it with with limits?<br />I want to figure that out...<br /><br />My family...<br />another area<br />that I feel is in balance!<br />I love my sisters and parents<br />and spend time with my parents<br />as often as I can!!<br />I resolve to never take<br />that for granted!<br /><br />My faith..<br />Thank you Lord<br />for all I have..<br />all I need is provided..<br />and in those moments<br />when life gets hard,<br />you carry me through!<br />I resolve<br />to give you more of my time!<br /><br />Me....<br />well...<br />hmmm...<br />I guess,<br />I resolve to be true<br />to myself!<br />To continue<br />my quest<br />of not compromising<br />for love..<br />but, to be realistic<br />about what that might<br />look like!<br /><br />And so..<br />as 2011 ends..<br />taking with it<br />smiles and tears..<br />I welcome 2012<br />and will make it all<br />that it is meant to be....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3341599295711127511?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-42843114301809537352011-12-24T20:14:00.000-08:002011-12-24T20:19:55.616-08:00Christmas eve...<br />so many memories..<br />so many traditions..<br />so many tears...<br />so many smiles!<br /><br />Tonight<br />as I shared the evening<br />with my children-<br />something that happens<br />only every other year..<br />I realized that nothing stays the same!<br /><br />They are getting older..<br />I am getting more<br />content alone..<br />the moments<br />that brought me heart ache,<br />now pass without a thought!<br />The moments<br />that made us smile<br />now seem not as fun!<br /><br />we are changing<br />and growing..<br />and yet-<br />traditions still count!<br />and memories are made!<br /><br />And tonight..<br />as I face another Christmas 'single'..<br />I am blessed<br />to have my children<br />under my roof!<br />My heart complete..<br />my Christmas perfect!<br /><br />Merry Christmas to all...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4284311430180953735?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-42277534413982944852011-12-12T18:10:00.000-08:002011-12-12T18:31:20.092-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sibE5jktqwg/Tua1H1k6D7I/AAAAAAAAATo/ZCyqSQeuINo/s1600/Debbie%2BAdkison%2Band%2Bchildren%2B%25281%2529.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 134px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sibE5jktqwg/Tua1H1k6D7I/AAAAAAAAATo/ZCyqSQeuINo/s200/Debbie%2BAdkison%2Band%2Bchildren%2B%25281%2529.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685430725847420850" border="0" /></a><br />For several years<br />my children,<br />and I,<br />have had Family pictures done<br />at Christmas.<br /><br />This year..<br />the pictures reflect<br />the years of healing!<br /><br />While this season<br />has brought a new hurt<br />to my heart;<br />as I watch a friend grieve..<br />it has also<br />been the first season<br />that the holidays do not create<br />a sense of loss!<br />The first season<br />I am not missing what was...<br /><br />And so,<br />The picture reflects<br />my family...<br />our completeness as is.<br />our acceptance of the past..<br />and our ability to embrace<br />our present!<br />The smiles are real..<br />the lightness genuine..<br />All of us,<br />comfortable in our own skin.<br />content!<br /><br />A journey that took many years,<br />and many Christmas pictures..<br />to complete!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4227753441398294485?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-470422004929711122011-12-10T19:42:00.000-08:002011-12-10T19:52:55.979-08:00I hear many<br />around me..<br />talking<br />of all the Christmas parties<br />they have to attend!<br />Sometime,<br />they speak with pressure...<br /><br />I will admit,<br />I have one Christmas party<br />to attend<br />this season.<br />And to be honest-<br />that makes me a teensy sad.<br />I am pretty social..<br />and this is the season<br />to be with others;<br /><br />Some how being single...<br />has changed the amount of things<br />that I do..<br />I am no longer in a couples Sunday school-<br />I no longer have my spouses work party-<br />I no longer have couple friends.<br />All the things<br />that tend to result in Christmas events<br />and activities!<br /><br />And so,<br />this season...<br />I wonder...<br />is the one party I am attending<br />part of being stress free?<br />Or is it lonely?<br /><br />The reality<br />is that it's a bit of both!<br />and a deeper reality<br />is that it is what it is!!<br />Life could be much harder!<br />I have a dear friend who<br />would gladly give up<br />all the parties and events<br />to have her son back!<br /><br />So, this is not a pity party...<br />this is accepting<br />that as a single mom,<br />life looks different!<br />But, the season is still<br />what I make of it!<br /><br />Its the moments<br />I make hot chocolate<br />and stay up later with my kids..<br />Its the moments<br />I meet girlfriends<br />for coffee or hot apple cider.<br />Its the Christmas concerts<br />I drag the kids too...<br />and the lights we pass at night!<br />Its the season to celebrate<br />the hope of Christ<br />and the love of family!<br />Maybe one day,<br />I will join those who complain<br />of the hustle and bustle..<br />but regardless<br />I will celebrate the season!<br />and make each moment count!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-47042200492971112?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-18959503483862693592011-12-07T19:00:00.000-08:002011-12-07T19:12:39.395-08:00I love my kids...<br />I want them to do well!<br />I encourage them<br />and even push them-<br />when needed!<br /><br />But, I do not live<br />through them!<br /><br />I want them to do better<br />than I have!<br />I want them to<br />get an college education!<br />I want them to do their best<br />and learn the value of hard<br />work...<br />But, how they do in school..<br />how many friends they have...<br />how good they are at sports..<br />is about them!<br />Not me!<br /><br />My son is smart!<br />but not motivated!<br />I push him because<br />I want him to get a scholarship<br />to school..<br />but I can say with truth,<br />I do not mind<br />what he chooses to do!<br />He could be an engineer..<br />he would rather design<br />video games!<br />I am OK with that!<br /><br />I want to raise my kids to succeed!<br />I want them to learn work ethics,<br />and the value of hard work!<br />but, their dreams are theirs!<br />Their achievements belong to them!<br />and their ultimate choices<br />are theirs to live with!<br /><br />In the mean time<br />I will parent them!<br />and I will love them!<br />and I will do all I can<br />to give them chances,<br />and then watch<br />as they make their own<br />choices!<br />and I will love them<br />anyway....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1895950348386269359?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-82790430336437414032011-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:002011-12-04T14:11:34.863-08:00Today<br />was the memorial<br />of my friends son.<br />A young man<br />that I knew..<br />and respected!<br /><br />My heart is broken!<br />As I listened to the words<br />spoken about this young boy..<br />they all came back<br />to a mothers deep love!<br /><br />A mother who raised her sons<br />with grace,<br />despite trials.<br />A mother who loved her sons<br />no matter the cost!<br />A mother who put the needs<br />of her sons<br />before her own!<br /><br />This young man's legacy<br />is partly his and partly hers!<br />Together they inspire<br />the rest of us...<br />to make each moment count!<br />Never forget to say 'I love you'..<br />find the memories<br />and make them happen!<br />Love with purpose,<br />parent with grace,<br />live with everything you have!<br /><br />This child shall live always<br />in the hearts<br />that he touched-<br />and this mother<br />shall be held close<br />by the lives that<br />she has changed!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8279043033643741403?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-25372230874837013272011-12-02T20:26:00.000-08:002011-12-02T20:33:18.875-08:00So..<br />I have so much to learn..<br />but some things<br />I have learned already!<br />sometimes the hard way,<br />sometimes just because<br />it makes sense..<br />but lessons are being<br />learned<br />in my head...<br />and taught by my heart!<br /><br />My heart knows!<br />sometimes it connects<br />and it ends in hurt..<br />sometimes it does not-<br />and I am left wondering why!<br /><br />but, it knows!<br /><br />As I speak to friends<br />who are happy..<br />the common theme<br />is when they met the one<br />they are with;<br />they knew!<br />and generally they never looked<br />back.<br /><br />I have started to fall<br />and been alone<br />in the hope..<br />I have been fallen for<br />without reciprocation..<br />The end result is the same!<br /><br />It does not work..<br />being right on paper..<br />is not enough.<br />If my heart does not connect<br />with another..<br />it is not meant to be.<br /><br />My heart wants to fall...<br />not impossibly...<br />not romantically...<br />not idealistically...<br />but instead completely!<br /><br />And until then...<br />well...<br />I shall continue to learn!<br />I shall continue to hope..<br />and I shall be content<br />to wait!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2537223087483701327?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-8662910120593431472011-11-29T03:28:00.000-08:002011-11-29T03:37:25.443-08:002 days ago<br />one of my dearest friends,<br />lost her 14 year old son.<br /><br />Life has taken on<br />new perspective.<br /><br />The hurt is so deep.<br />To watch someone<br />I love<br />go through something<br />so terrible..<br />is beyond words!<br />To miss a young man<br />whose spirit touched so many..<br />so difficult!<br />To grasp how fragile and out<br />of our control,<br />our children's lives really are...<br />so frightening!<br /><br />It still feels surreal..<br />A nightmare!<br /><br />This friend...<br />is one of the best people I know!<br />She is a wonderful mother<br />of 5 children.<br />She has been an incredible friend!<br />A support and love<br />during hard times in my life.<br />And as she faces this<br />dark, dark hour..<br />I feel helpless!<br /><br />The only peace is found<br />within our faith..<br />Hers, her sons..<br />mine!<br />The comfort held within<br />our fathers arms<br />is all there is to share.<br /><br />My heart grieves<br />for all the hurt<br />and my mind is struggling to grasp it...<br /><br />I wish...<br />I wish...<br />I wish...<br />oh, that it might<br />make a difference!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-866291012059343147?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-4132234627875978272011-11-25T17:43:00.001-08:002011-11-25T17:53:22.629-08:00three years ago<br />my life changed...<br />three years and 4 days ago<br />to be exact..<br /><br />I left a situation<br />that needed leaving..<br />but it took more courage<br />then I knew I possesed!<br /><br />It was a very traumatic<br />event in my life..<br />it was lonely<br />and scary!<br /><br />For the first year after<br />I left..<br />I knew to the day<br />how long it had been!<br />On any given day I could tell you;<br />I left 3 months and 4 days ago..<br />10 months and 9 days ago..<br /><br />Than came year two..<br />I no longer knew to the day,<br />but I always knew to the month!<br />1 year and 3 months!<br />1 year and 9 months..<br /><br />and then came the next year..<br />2 years plus...<br />and I had to count to know<br />how long it had been!<br />2 years and..ummm...let me think!<br />But, on the 21st day of every month<br />I always seemed to remember..<br />and yet some how the 3rd anniversary passed<br />and I did not give it a thought!<br />not until 2 days later<br />when I realized with a start<br />that the 3 year mark had come and gone!<br /><br />That was the moment<br />I knew<br />I really was OK!<br />The moment<br />I knew<br />that I no longer<br />remembered!<br /><br />The ability to forget<br />took time..<br />and was hard earned!<br />but,<br />it happened!<br /><br />Forgetting never felt so right!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-413223462787597827?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-45337647218934952582011-11-24T18:49:00.000-08:002011-11-25T05:48:18.099-08:00Over this past year<br />I have dated!<br />Not a lot..<br />but enough.<br />Some first dates..<br />a few seconds..<br />2 short term relationships...<br />and 1 whirlwind disaster.<br /><br />Almost every time..<br />I have walked away!<br />sometimes quickly,<br />some times after a few dates..<br />some times a few months..<br />but, its been me<br />or mutual!<br /><br />This past time-<br />he disappeared!<br />I suspect why;<br />but there was not the basic respect<br />of letting me know!<br />and while<br />it was a short lived romance,<br />of sorts..<br />it has really gotten to me!<br /><br />As I was driving<br />and wondering<br />why I could not just forget it..<br />Why his false words<br />still play in my mind..<br />Why I relive my words<br />and actions..<br />wondering what I might have done?<br />why, knowing<br />how wrong the match<br />was...<br />I still feel the kick in the gut?<br /><br />Then I realized;<br />its the rejection!<br />No matter the reason,<br />no matter the length...<br />he walked away!<br />He rejected<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">even the chance</span>..<br />that is what hurts!<br />Add to that..<br />the lack of closure,<br />which for me<br />is VERY difficult....<br />and its sitting on my heart!<br /><br />Realizing what it is<br />helps..<br />it lessons the hold.<br />Accepting<br />that rejection is part of the process<br />helps a bit too..<br />and remembering<br />that the shoe has been on the other foot<br />aids a little!<br /><br />And so,<br />I will pick my esteem back off the floor...<br />and remember<br />that who I am<br />is enough..<br />and remind myself<br />that his perception is only his reality-<br />not mine...<br />and I shall stop moping<br />over hurt feelings...<br />get back out of my cave<br />and move on!<br /><br />Not easy...<br />but needed!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4533764721893495258?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-32125856414505636692011-11-24T04:46:00.000-08:002011-11-24T05:05:23.704-08:00Yesterday...<br />as I was feeling<br />a tug of hurt in my heart-<br />I glanced across the school<br />parking lot<br />and saw my children walking towards me!<br />In that moment all was right!<br />and I knew<br />deep within me..<br />that it is enough!<br /><br />I love my kids!<br />I am so blessed by the life I lead!<br />My children make me smile..<br />and they make me weep!<br />They encourage me<br />and they exhaust me!<br />They inspire me,<br />and they test me,<br />THEY are my heart!<br />and today..<br />I am thankful<br />that I was chosen to be their mom!<br /><br />I am thankful to a God<br />who knew<br />my deep desire<br />to mother children,<br />and who granted that wish!<br /><br />I am thankful<br />that my children and I<br />have learned to be whole..<br />and that the fracturing<br />no longer feels so significant!<br /><br />This thanksgiving...<br />I am thankful<br />for many of the 'names' I carry...<br />Daughter, sister, friend, teacher...<br />but, most of all...<br />MOM!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3212585641450563669?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-79493840892987027712011-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:002011-11-23T16:57:34.707-08:00So I have not blogged in a few weeks..<br />and boy what a few weeks it has been!<br /><br />A first date..<br />that would have led to a second-<br />then a surprise encounter<br />that led to a 'fairy tale' exchange..<br />and then<br />CRASH!<br /><br />Seems fairy tale is not all<br />its cracked up to be...<br />when its starts in a whirlwind..<br />you tend to land with a BUMP!<br /><br />So..<br />here we go again!<br />2 years no dating..<br />and now;<br />1 year in to the dating game<br />and I am feeling weathered and bruised!<br /><br />I have resolved to never date again..<br />we shall see! :-)<br /><br />As I faced the frustration<br />and disappointment...<br />and I understood that I did not really<br />fall for a person..<br />but for the hope<br />and possibility....<br />When I landed with a thump..<br />I than took a breath!<br /><br />I can now reflect!<br />I can learn!<br />I can grow!<br /><br />But, in the process<br />I shall also<br />quite possibly just give up!<br />Because really...<br />there is NOTHING easy<br />about risking anything..<br />when you know what it feels<br />to loose it all!<br /><br />Back to my cave I go!:)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7949384089298702771?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-78498413520617131502011-11-09T19:14:00.000-08:002011-11-09T19:18:58.480-08:00I want the fairy tale!!<br /><br />That is why I over analyze.<br /><br />I understand that there will be<br />compromise!<br />I understand that no one person<br />is perfect!<br />I understand that flexibility<br />is important.<br /><br />BUT I want the real deal!<br />It does not have to be<br />love at first sight..<br />it does not have to be<br />heart pumping<br />butterflies and romance,<br />but, it must be<br />something special!<br /><br />There is no reason<br />for it not to be!<br />I have no reason to settle<br />for the sake of companionship<br />so..<br />why settle for less<br />then I hope?<br /><br />And so,<br />I admit!<br />I want a movie style ending..<br />even if its a harry met sally sort of script!<br /><br />and so...<br />I will keep reading<br />the plays..<br />listening to the lines...<br />watching the characters<br />take on their personas..<br />and I will wait<br />for my role of a lifetime!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7849841352061713150?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-60355336397921116922011-11-07T19:15:00.001-08:002011-11-07T19:22:29.646-08:00So,<br />I over analyze everything!<br />My friends tease me about it..<br />and its true!<br /><br />If I meet a man<br />and he is too young..<br />I pick it apart!<br />I convince myself it will never<br />work...<br />If he is too old?<br />worse...<br />same thing!<br />I have the end in sight<br />before I have experienced<br />the beginning!<br />If he is my age...<br />I assume he is not ready to grow up!<br />I see the midlife crisis<br />in his near future!<br /><br />If he has been married<br />I analyze the divorce.<br />If he has kids;<br />his parenting style compared to mine..<br />if he has never been married<br />I wonder why..<br /><br />Is it any wonder<br />that I rarely date?<br />I have analyzed the relationship<br />to death<br />before the second date-<br />and I am sure<br />it will never work!!!<br />so, of course..<br />it does not!<br /><br />No hurry...<br />No regrets..<br /><br />But, maybe<br />its time..<br />to stop predicting the future<br />and rather take a chance<br />in the present...<br />who knows,<br />maybe I will enjoy the ride!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6035533639792111692?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-61163597115001159772011-11-04T20:20:00.001-07:002011-11-04T20:27:19.175-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qu6_o7IOu38/TrSr-MvM-bI/AAAAAAAAARw/z169GTjVdso/s1600/shylas%2Bbirthday.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qu6_o7IOu38/TrSr-MvM-bI/AAAAAAAAARw/z169GTjVdso/s200/shylas%2Bbirthday.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5671346915825744306" border="0" /></a>Tomorrow<br />My oldest daughter-<br />my middle child..<br />turns 12.<br /><br />tomorrow-<br />I shall wish my child<br />a happy birthday!<br />I shall remember the first time<br />I held her in my arms!<br />I will think of her first words,<br />and her first tantrum.<br />I will go back in time<br />to when we cuddled at night<br />and when only my kiss<br />could heal her hurts!<br />I will reflect on her beauty,<br />her strength, her worth!<br />I will marvel<br />at this young lady<br />who has faced so much<br />and overcome it all with grace!<br />I will feel blessed<br />to be her mother!<br />I will thank the Lord<br />for every moment..<br />and I will pray for a lifetime more<br />to watch her grow!<br /><br />Happy Birthday Shyla!<br />I love you!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6116359711500115977?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-56292781870777873002011-11-01T18:46:00.000-07:002011-11-01T18:54:22.046-07:00Being alone<br />has its perks..<br />it also has its down falls!<br /><br />However,<br />the reality is that<br />I am OK.<br />I do not have a lot...<br />but I have enough.<br />I have my kids.<br />I have my home.<br />I have friends.<br />I have hobbies.<br /><br />I need little..<br />so settling for less<br />is not an option.<br /><br />If I do move forward,<br />if I do meet someone..<br />if I enter into a relationship;<br />it will be because<br />the relationship<br />brings more to my life<br />than is there now.<br /><br />it will be more<br />than fun and companionship-<br />I have that in friends<br />and family.<br /><br />it will be security,<br />it will be contentment,<br />it will be stability,<br />it will be trust,<br />it will be respect.<br />it will be something<br />that I cannot bring to the table alone..<br /><br />and than I will settle..<br /><br />until than..<br />less is more!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5629278187077787300?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-44910808943051028222011-10-28T18:44:00.000-07:002011-10-28T19:02:52.929-07:00Recently I was asked..<br />"what am I looking for in a man?"<br />as I tried to answer it,<br />I realized..<br />I am not looking<br />for a 'type of man'<br />I am looking<br />for a 'type of relationship'.<br /><br />I could look for a <span style="font-weight: bold;">type</span>-<br />some one free spirited,<br />some one like me..<br />who wants to save the world.<br />But, it could be a disaster!<br />Or I could<br />look for the opposite of me..<br />someone whose strengths<br />are my weakness's..<br />and it could back fire!<br /><br />So, instead..<br />I am not looking for a<br />particular person!<br />I do not know<br />if the person I would like to meet<br />will be<br />older or younger.<br />whether he will be type A<br />or peace loving...<br />whether he will be<br />strong<br />or easy going....<br /><br />What I know<br />is that he will respect me!<br />He will accept who I am<br />and whether we are similar<br />or complete opposites<br />he will not try and change me..<br />nor me him!<br /><br />A relationship of acceptance<br />means<br />that I will excel in my strengths..<br />he will excel in his strengths!<br />If he wants to 'take over'<br />an area I am weak in..<br />he will!<br />he will not try and make me do it his way!<br />This matters!<br /><br />We will enjoy each others company..<br />we will be relaxed<br />and companionable...<br />we will be able to talk<br />about what matters,<br />and what does not!<br />and we will respect<br />and accept each others opinions!<br />we will be loyal to each other..<br />we will protect each other.<br /><br />We may be the same!<br />We may be opposite!<br />But, we will BE balance.<br /><br />This is what I want...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4491080894305102822?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-61910246714409231422011-10-23T18:19:00.000-07:002011-10-23T18:33:29.791-07:00Dear potential on line suitor,<br /><br />Many people who know<br />and love me,<br />think that in doing this<br />I am nuts!<br />so, it would help;<br />if you were not,<br />well, nuts!<br /><br />These small tips might help..<br /><br />The first time we talk<br />its best that you do not tell me<br />that you could<br />'look at my pictures all day'..<br />that you have my number<br />'on speed dial' already...<br />or ask if we could set up<br />breakfast with my parents!<br /><br />On a first date..<br />in which you entertain me all evening<br />with out asking a single question..<br />please do not later send a text<br />asking what I am wearing..<br />and if I would like to come over!<br />IF you had asked a SINGLE question<br />you would have by now figured out-<br />'I am NOT that girl'...<br /><br />When you email me for the first time,<br />I prefer you do not start with the line;<br />'hey baby cakes'..<br />but, that is just me!!<br /><br />Hanging up the phone with me<br />(after talking the first time)<br />and then calling right back..<br />(which of course will go unanswered)<br />and then emailing me..<br />twice..<br />is CREEPY!!<br />so don't!!!<br /><br />My 'stalking radar'<br />is slightly strong..<br />I will admit..<br />so a text is fine!<br />but a text followed by another text..<br />followed by any variation<br />of 'did you get my text'..<br />is again..<br />too much!<br />Maybe the girl who likes to be smothered<br />is out there..<br />but I am not her!!<br /><br />So, dear potential suitor..<br />think balance!<br />think normal!<br />Do not mention<br />my pictures more than once..<br />remember you have not met me yet..<br />keep in mind<br />I do not believe a single word<br />that you say,<br />and I am quite sure<br />your pictures are fake<br />and you are using an alias!<br />The deck is already stacked against you!<br />So, if an actual date is hoped for...<br />than lets tone down the crazy<br />and go from there..<br /><br />Thanks,<br />Debbie<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6191024671440923142?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-86855405609077641822011-10-08T07:12:00.000-07:002011-10-08T07:26:52.719-07:00October is a month of milestones<br />for me...<br />its started with my birthday on the 2nd.<br /><br />October 5th was the 5 year<br />anniversary of my divorce.<br />(is that even what you call it?)<br /><br />2 days later..<br />October 7th<br />marks 4 years ago<br />that I married a man<br />I had known only 8 months...<br /><br />And then this weekend..<br />I am celebrating<br />my 20th reunion from high school!<br /><br />Milestones in my life..<br />that make me who I am today!<br /><br />Being at my the first leg of my reunion<br />was bitter sweet!<br />10 years ago<br />I was there<br />married and pregnant<br />with my 3rd child.<br />I was a stay at home mom<br />and secure in all ways.<br /><br />Now..<br />I am single..<br />a mother of a teenager-<br />and 2 might as well be teenage gals<br />I work full time..<br />and live month to month..<br /><br />However-<br />I am happier now..<br />more sure of who I am..<br />and yet-<br />still feel<br />on the edge.<br />Often in life I feel on the edge.<br />Not in a bad way..<br />just in an aware way.<br />I am quirky..<br />different..<br />I get that!<br /><br />but, for so many years<br />I did not know that..<br />I, instead,was my 'role'<br />not my 'person'!<br /><br />And so..<br />I face this month<br />seeing how long a healthy divorce<br />takes..<br />and knowing we are there,<br />as far as I can tell.<br />I see how<br />I have forgiven myself<br />for misjudgements<br />that happened in the wake<br />of the hurt...<br />and I recognize<br />how much change has happened<br />in 20 years!<br /><br />And that all in all..<br />it is Good!<br />and I would do it..<br />all over again!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8685540560907764182?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-7537466304918855932011-10-03T18:56:00.000-07:002011-10-03T19:20:06.833-07:00So..<br />I have gotten my feet wet<br />with dating!<br />Still not doing a lot of it...<br />but have done enough of it<br />to know a few things!<br /><br />I have some Don'ts..<br />still learning the Do's.<br /><br />I am learning that<br />I have a few pet peeves.<br /><br />The first is that<br />when someone asks if they can call-<br />I tend to tell them<br />that I cannot talk until my kids<br />are in bed,<br />I give a time..<br />and yet..<br />it seems not to matter!<br />The phone will ring<br />2 hours before the kids are sleeping!<br />and I know..<br />I will NEVER pick up!<br />its not about calling the shots..<br />its about being HEARD!<br /><br />I am also learning<br />that there are men<br />who will say<br />they like what I stand for.<br />respect who I am..<br />and yet,<br />their actions<br />and intentions<br />on a first or second date..<br />say otherwise.<br />Its why<br />a third date does not happen!<br />I am clear about who I am..<br />Trust me!<br /><br />I am learning<br />that those little 'warnings' in my gut<br />start going off quite quickly!<br />I do not always hear them<br />until they are yelling..<br />but I am learning that they are<br />always there!<br /><br />Most of all,<br />I am learning to follow my instincts!<br />to listen to my gut..<br />to believe in my own hunches...<br />I am learning<br />to trust in ME!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-753746630491885593?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-68938018045292641902011-10-02T19:10:00.000-07:002011-10-02T19:38:22.453-07:00Today is my birthday!<br />38 years old..<br />or young..<br />or somewhere in between.<br /><br />The first 32 birthdays<br />were pretty routine..<br />all good in their own ways!<br /><br />But, 5 years ago-<br />birthdays took on a whole new meaning!<br /><br />5 years ago..<br />my girlfriends took me to dinner-<br />my gifts?<br />items to start my new life.<br />I moved out of the house<br />I had built with my husband<br />of almost 15 years..<br />5 days after that birthday!<br /><br />1 year later..<br />I was taken to dinner by the man<br />I would marry in just a few days!!<br />We got in a fight..<br />because my ex called our kids..<br />ON my birthday!<br />caused an issue..<br />I ignored the warning..<br />I was married again<br />with the week!<br /><br />1 year after that..<br />I was dreadfully unhappy...<br />the man I married<br />surprised me with a hot air balloon ride,<br />a grand gesture..<br />a picture taking opportunity..<br />in the midst<br />of hurt and anger..<br />yelling and threats.<br />it was a birthday that ended<br />once again in a fight..<br />as once again<br />my ex called our kids...<br />on my birthday!<br />dejavu...<br /><br />1 year later!<br />I was divorced again-<br />I was still finding my footing!<br />a friend took me to dinner<br />and for a pedicure!<br />It was nice..<br />I was still sad.<br /><br />1 year later..<br />a GREAT night out with<br />SEVERAL friends!<br />Including a man<br />I had just started dating.<br />the dating was short lived..<br />the friendships STILL strong..<br />and that birthday<br />the start of a new me!!!!<br /><br />Now...<br />1 year later..<br />3 years single-again..<br />healthy..<br />happy !<br />another night out with friends!<br />this time..<br />I was not reserved.<br />I was not guarded.<br />I was free of all hurt!<br />I had a date with me..<br />it was obvious before the night<br />was over..<br />that I would not see him again-<br />but, even that was good!<br />I laughed with my friends..<br />I felt loved and celebrated!<br />I felt 'home'...<br /><br />5 years of hurt and heartache...<br /><br />and now today..<br />a weekend of celebration..<br />first with friends..<br />then with family..<br />and today with my kids-<br /><br />and what I know;<br />is that I get stronger<br />with each birthday..<br />wiser with each lesson..<br />happier with each year that passes!!<br /><br />and even as another birthday passes...<br />without that 'special' someone-<br />the people that celebrated with me<br />remind me<br />that love comes in all packages..<br />and that a complete life<br />is a celebrated life!<br />and this weekend..<br />that's exactly how I felt..<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">complete!</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6893801804529264190?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-3513158865846737622011-09-29T18:06:00.000-07:002011-09-29T18:12:13.079-07:002 weeks is probably<br />the longest I have gone<br />without blogging...<br /><br />and these last 2 weeks<br />have held a lot!<br /><br />The last time I blogged<br />I had been feeling alone,<br />and frustrated with dating.<br /><br />Then I quit dating-<br />let it go..<br />decided that I wanted<br />to meet someone local..<br />and wanted to wait<br />until it was right..<br /><br />and then....<br />I met someone!<br /><br />Who knows where it will go.<br />but, when I stopped waiting<br />and wondering-<br />something good happened.<br /><br />and like every step<br />in this journey..<br />each step<br />has taught me lessons<br />and helped me grow!<br /><br />so...<br />regardless of the outcome..<br />so far so good!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-351315886584673762?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-15011965316449395732011-09-18T19:37:00.000-07:002011-09-18T19:47:55.387-07:00Dating...<br />ugh!<br />not dating..<br />ugh!<br />Just waiting...<br />not so ugh!<br /><br />I am 'actively' dating...<br />or considering dates when asked:)..<br />which is quite huge!:)<br /><br />but<br />I know<br />that I will reach a place<br />so soon<br />of just sitting back..<br />and waiting!<br />because really...<br />I do not want to<br />rush into a relationship...<br />why do I feel the need<br />to rush the process<br />of meeting someone?<br /><br />I guess<br />its the cliche..<br />the being alone..<br />the feeling like life is passing<br />and I am running out of time!<br /><br />so...<br />dating for this moment...<br />(admittedly dating is<br /> a strong word for it:)!)<br /><br />but, waiting...<br />is JUST around the corner..<br />I can feel it...<br />I can hear its breathe...<br />that place of just being willing<br />to 'be'..<br />seems to be finding me again...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1501196531644939573?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-3074576799803973352011-09-14T18:13:00.000-07:002011-09-14T18:29:16.318-07:00I keep thinking<br />that I might reach the end<br />of the lessons..<br />get to that 'single' place<br />that is defined.<br /><br />And yet..<br />it does not happen.<br />I keep learning more...<br />growing...<br />regressing..<br />progressing...<br /><br />When I first found myself single,<br />my whole world<br />changed.<br />I knew than<br />that I did not know <span style="font-style: italic;">who</span> I was...<br />I knew <span style="font-style: italic;">what</span> I was;<br />a wife, and a mother.<br />but what about<br />when those roles shifted?<br />what then!?<br /><br />I set out to find out<br />what I liked<br />and did not...<br />who I was alone..<br />and in a crowd.<br />I learned how to 'be'<br />and how to cry..<br />and bigger I learned<br />how to heal.<br /><br />but somehow,<br />I shifted some of that identity<br />into <span style="font-style: italic;">being</span> a 'single mom'<br />with young kids.<br />The business<br />of doing so much alone,<br />the struggle of providing<br />and getting an education.<br />The role once again began to define me.<br /><br />Now, as my kids get older;<br />and still need me..<br />but differently!<br />as they begin to find their identity..<br />I am wondering<br />if I still have mine?<br /><br />A new type of identity crisis...<br />a new exciting,<br />while daunting place to be.<br />Single..<br />a mom..<br />a Single mom..<br />single..<br />a Woman..<br />a Single Woman.<br /><br />all roles-<br />but all different!<br />Now..<br />I get to focus a bit more<br />on the individual aspects<br />of who I am..<br />and learn how to be Single..<br />while still a Mom..<br />since I think I am now<br />quite comfortable in the role<br />of 'single mom'..:)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-307457679980397335?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-44654425010250706662011-09-12T18:51:00.001-07:002011-09-13T03:53:40.990-07:00so..<br />I have been down!<br />so many different things...<br />kids getting older..<br />a bit of an identity crisis..<br />pressure in life..<br />ect..ect...ect!!<br /><br />And than tonight<br />talking to a friend..<br />I changed tracks!<br /><br />Life may feel<br />a little tough-<br />but my life is so good.<br /><br />I have so much<br />to be thankful for!!<br /><br />I have children who are growing!<br />They are going through normal stages<br />in life...<br />they have their moments of good<br />and their moments of not so good.<br />but, they are good kids-<br />happy kids!<br />they have rooms of their own..<br />and cool beds!<br />they have 2 parents who love them<br />and grandparents who adore them!<br />They are liked by their teachers<br />and friends!<br />They have good lives!<br />They are blessed!<br />They have full bellies...<br />and clean clothes!<br />My children have so much!<br />I am so thankful!<br /><br />I have support in my parents!<br />This is huge!<br />My parents are 2 of my closest friends...<br />I can talk to them about my problems-<br />I can spend time with them<br />when I am lonely...<br />I can call them in a fix.<br />I am not alone!<br /><br />I am close to my sister..<br />I have wonderful girlfriends.<br />enough said!!<br /><br />I love my job..<br />love my job!<br />I LOVE my job!!!!<br /><br />I have a roof over my head!<br />a home<br />that is cute..<br />and cozy..<br />and safe!<br /><br />I have a temperamental car...<br />but its a car!<br />It drives!<br />well!<br /><br />I have a closet with clothes in..<br />and I have shoes..<br />cute and functional!<br />I have a pantry<br />that has food in it...<br />I am not wanting...<br /><br />There is so much in my life<br />that brings me joy.<br />There are sometimes<br />aspects of my life<br />that cause me hurt!<br /><br />But, when I take the moment<br />to look at what I have..<br />compared to what I do not..<br />the hurt lessens<br />and the gratitude<br />grows..<br />and grows..!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4465442501025070666?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-66585762538184429192011-09-11T06:31:00.000-07:002011-09-11T06:51:43.383-07:00I am a little over it...<br />a little depressed..<br />a lot restless..<br />and slightly aggravated at the pressure<br />of everyone else's opinion.<br /><br />It is what it is..<br />but sometimes<br />what it is<br />can become more pressure<br />than what it is not!!<br /><br />As I try and figure out<br />where the feelings are coming from-<br />I believe that the core<br />is the utter and complete responsibility<br />always on my shoulders..<br />maybe a little like a man,<br />who hits mid life and buys a sports car..<br />just for a release from the pressure.<br /><br />As I spoke to a friend about balance<br />last night..<br />I looked at my life<br />and it is so weighted towards<br />'the heavy'..<br />paying the bills,<br />working to provide,<br />getting a better education<br />to provide more..<br />raising kids (of course)...<br /><br />All aspects I take seriously-<br /><br />The time that is left also<br />holds 'responsibility'..<br />cooking meals, cleaning my home, doing laundry;<br />all things that must happen.<br /><br />then there are the parenting aspects-<br />taking my kids to and from games,<br />running them to the library,<br />and other activities..<br />The good stuff is not pressure..<br />the movie nights and chats.<br />The moments we all share life!<br />Those are the windows in time<br />that fuel the rest.<br />But, much of parenting<br />is doing the right thing!<br />Overseeing the homework..<br />holding them responsible for choices..<br />Being a Mom-<br />when being a friend is more appealing!<br /><br />The theory that this should be 'it'...<br />..my main focus-my only focus...<br />makes me feel like I am under water!<br />I love my life...<br />I love my kids..<br />I love my job...<br />I sometimes want to just enjoy!<br /><br />The restlessness I am feeling<br />is a life weighted<br />in the direction of what must be done..<br />a restlessness so many feel!<br /><br />The solution lies<br />in a positive remedy!<br />Not sure yet<br />what that will be...<br />self destructive choices are not an option-<br />I am a mom always..<br />whether with my kids or not!<br />but, something..<br />something that will hold my mind<br />captive for moments..<br />something that for a moment<br />will let me feel<br />like a young woman,<br />with a full life ahead..<br />rather than a woman,<br />who carries so much alone-<br />with what feels like a lifetime<br />of lessons<br />already lived.<br /><br />It is just where I am now...<br />it is not where I will be for long.<br />recognizing where the feelings come from<br />and looking for an answer..<br />is what defines a life <span style="font-style: italic;">resigned</span><br />from a life <span style="font-style: italic;">reclaimed</span>!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6658576253818442919?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-19276086979743862011-09-08T19:27:00.000-07:002011-09-08T19:35:54.033-07:00ironically<br />I took the semester off<br />of college..<br />for some breathing room!<br />I have a new position<br />at work<br />and it is more intense..<br />I took the time to focus.<br /><br />And yet..<br />with less on my plate<br />I am busier than ever before.<br />My job is certainly busier..<br />but its more than that!<br />My daughter is on the volley ball team<br />for the first time.<br />so there are games and practices..<br />I have also started going<br />back to the gym!<br />My days start early<br />and end late...<br /><br />but its more..<br />I am taking time for me!<br />sometimes just to walk..<br />sometimes to meet friends..<br />sometimes with the kids-<br />sometimes with out!<br /><br />Often people who love me<br />tell me to slow down..<br />but here is the thing..<br />until when??<br />This is my life!<br />If all I do is try and survive it<br />and keep my head above water..<br />thats all I will ever do!<br />Because<br />my work is here to stay!<br />My kids are getting older...<br />and more complicated!<br />My degree will need to be finished..<br />my home will always need to be cleaned..<br />this is my life!<br />So,<br />in my mind-<br />now is the time to live!<br />I am in my 30's..<br />young and vibrant!<br />WHAT should I be waiting for??<br /><br />Life is about balance...<br />and certainly<br />there are moments of nothing..<br />and moments of quiet...<br />and moments of fun..<br />and moments of solitude!<br /><br />But,<br />moments of waiting???<br />for what??!!!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1927608697974386?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-17809205909499610442011-09-05T18:58:00.000-07:002011-09-05T19:20:05.240-07:00I have been divorced<br />from my children's dad<br />for almost 5 years...<br /><br />Our relationship<br />has changed<br />and evolved.<br />I would say,<br />it is about the best it can be<br />considering...<br /><br />I no longer am 'in love with him'..<br />I no longer wish him back.<br />I have truly moved on-<br />as has he.<br /><br />But, I still have those 'moments'...<br />moments when I wish<br />that I was not alone..<br />that I still shared life<br />with another!<br />Moments when I miss the 'wholeness'<br />of what has since broken.<br /><br />Tonight that moment came<br />during a family game.<br />Last night I was out with a friend<br />and saw a family<br />(parents and kids)<br />playing cards at the restaurant!<br />it made an impression.<br />Tonight as I played with my kids..<br />and my 14 year old was 'bored'..<br />and my youngest was being 'cute'..<br />and my middle 'funny'..<br />I felt like something was missing!<br /><br />I miss having that person...<br />that person<br />who can roll their eyes WITH me<br />at the moody teenager..<br />or smile at me<br />over the silly jokes...<br />or continue playing cards with me<br />when the kids go to bed.<br /><br />This person no longer has a specific face<br />or a name..<br />or even a real existence.<br />this person is an ideal..<br />an echo in my heart..<br /><br />Sometimes I feel a little<br />cheated..<br /><br />Parenting solo..<br />trying so hard to create the memories...<br />and the moments.<br />when deep down<br />I actually would be OK<br />sharing them,<br />not owning them all!<br /><br />This 'moment' that happens...<br />has changed over time-<br />its not raw-<br />its no longer about a person-<br />its no longer a broken heart<br />or a lost love.<br /><br />Just an idea<br />an illusion...<br />a fantasy...<br />of what sharing life<br />with another<br />might have been!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1780920590949961044?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-53055262179527963912011-09-04T18:32:00.000-07:002011-09-04T18:48:03.848-07:00for many years <br />I did not date.. <br />and I was content! <br /> <br />and then I dated a bit.. <br />and have found myself restless! <br /> <br />Not in a hurry... <br /> <br />I understand the risks <br />and know the benefit <br />of a healthy foundation. <br />I also believe that children <br />change the time line.. <br />and dynamics! <br />and should be carefully considered! <br />Rushing is not an option! <br /> <br />And yet.. <br />I do look forward to that time <br />in my life <br />when a 'relationship' is defined... <br /> <br />However, the past 3 months <br />I have actually begun <br />to almost 'fret'.. <br />I have found alone time <br />not as freeing! <br />I have wanted company <br />rather than solitude.. <br />I have hoped for companionship <br />and avoided loneliness.. <br /> <br />And I have wondered why? <br />what has changed!? <br />Why was I so content! <br />and now not as much! <br /> <br />and today- <br />I realized; <br /> <br />my season of life has changed!! <br />My children are all getting older! <br />I am a part of their lives.. <br />but no longer the center! <br />They need me, of course.. <br />but differently!! <br />They are content to be with friends.. <br />or in their rooms.. <br />as much as with me! <br />I am no longer their main focus.. <br />and their activity director. <br />My son and middle daughter are BOTH <br />old enough to babysit.... <br />life has changed! <br /> <br />I can go to the grocery store <br />without 3 children in tow.. <br />I can run errands or even meet a friend- <br />and this is good. <br /> <br />and yet- <br />this has left a void. <br />I used to be so 'full' <br />with children's activities and needs.. <br />now I am still busy.. <br />and there are still ball games.. <br />and sleep overs, <br />and chatting.. <br />they do still need me- <br />but its different! <br />so different! <br /> <br />I have lost myself a little... <br />I looked to fill the void- <br />and assumed maybe another would be key! <br />someone to fill the alone time; <br />I tend to have. <br /> <br />And sure- <br />that will be nice! <br />but, that is not the goal! <br /> <br />the goal is to re-find my center.. <br />and my contentment, <br />within my new season! <br />This will happen over and over <br />as my children grow.. <br />4 years from now <br />my son leaves for college... <br />8 years from now <br />my youngest will do the same.. <br />and there will be many <br />milestones along the way! <br />many times <br />I will loose my footing.. <br />and many times I will <br />need to re-find me!! <br /> <br />NOT 'in' another.. <br />maybe 'with' another; <br />maybe not! <br />regardless- <br />somewhere in me is the key!! <br /> <br />for now- <br />I am thinking <br />salsa lessons <br />might do the trick!!:) <br /> <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5305526217952796391?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-36820832490900974072011-08-31T18:29:00.000-07:002011-08-31T18:34:54.588-07:00so.. <br />not everything is to share... <br />but everything <br />is to be processed... <br /> <br />some things leave me heart heavy.. <br />and some things leave me smiling... <br />and some things leave me confused. <br /> <br />I find very little; <br />about being single- <br />straightforward. <br /> <br />whether it is dating <br />or co-parenting.. <br />or working- <br />or balancing kids activities... <br />or finding time for me... <br />none of it is black and white. <br /> <br />And no matter how simplified <br />I make my life- <br />or try- <br />life is just not simple. <br /> <br />And so there is plenty to process.. <br />in private.. <br />and out loud. <br />plenty to wonder about <br />and worry about.. <br />plenty to keep my mind busy, <br />even when my body is at rest. <br />and something tells me.. <br />its just the start! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3682083249090097407?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-82683867773977374322011-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:002011-08-29T18:57:15.229-07:00I do a lot for my kids.. <br />I admit!! <br /> <br />I still check on my high schooler <br />during his school day- <br />making sure he ordered his lunch! <br />if he did not bring it from home... <br />This is not for him <br />(he orders just fine) <br />this is for me... <br /> <br />I pack my children's lunches! <br />they can pack them themselves.. <br />but their lunches <br />are my love note! <br />They do not know this yet.. <br />or understand- <br />that each treat <br />was hand picked.. <br />each item chosen just for them! <br />They do not need me to do this.. <br />I need to do this for them! <br /> <br />I sometimes clean their rooms.. <br />or cover them for their chores! <br />I sometimes carry their plates <br />to and from the kitchen.. <br />not always- <br />but sometimes! <br />I sometimes take care of all <br />the pets... <br />I sometimes clean out their mess <br />from the car... <br />I sometimes do their laundry.. <br />and often fold it and put it away! <br />I pack for my high schooler <br />when he goes to camp- <br />I pack for my girls when they <br />go too... <br />I do the dishes... <br />and the housework.. <br />and the mopping <br />and the sweeping- <br />and I know they can! <br />and I guess they should.. <br />but sometimes <br />I do it anyway.. <br /> <br />I do a lot.. <br />sometimes too much.. <br />and sometimes <br />I hand it all back! <br />before picking it right back up! <br /> <br />don't get me wrong.. <br />they can do things for themselves... <br />they can do their own laundry- <br />and clean their rooms <br />and do the dishes, <br />and care for the pets <br />and remember to get agendas signed <br />and take money for lunch <br />on catered days... <br />they can- <br />and sometimes they do! <br /> <br />but, I love being a mom! <br />and part of being a mom <br />(for me) <br />is doing things for them <br />that I know they can do for <br />themselves... <br />its checking on them.. <br />and loving on them.. <br />and carrying some of their load- <br />even when my load <br />is heavy enough! <br /> <br />Its a choice I make.. <br />one I understand, <br />and balance! <br />a choice to teach them how <br />to do it all.. <br />and yet to choose <br />to do some of it <br />for them! <br /> <br />When all is said and done- <br />so soon.. <br />they will take all they know <br />and live their lives alone.. <br />and I will be left <br />with the memories <br />of moments <br />when I did it all.. <br />and I have no doubt- <br />I will miss it!! <br />no doubt- at all! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8268386777397737432?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-61230682024946702122011-08-28T18:55:00.000-07:002011-08-28T19:04:31.383-07:00In just one week.. <br />so much can change! <br /> <br />One week ago- <br />I was overwhelmed! <br />I felt in over my head.. <br />and just wanted to cry! <br /> <br />Today- <br />I am in a much better place!! <br />I love my job <br />and I am excited about the new <br />challenges!! <br />I ,of course, love my kids! <br />and I am enjoying <br />a new season <br />as my middle child <br />has joined a JV volleyball team! <br />I love my little home.. <br />and have been purging <br />and it feels really good!! <br />I love my extended family- <br />and have been able to spend <br />time with them! <br />I love my friends.. <br />and this has been a <br />great week <br />for me socially! <br /> <br />And so.. <br />in just a week- <br />I have climbed down the rainbow.. <br />and found MY pot of gold! <br />It is not heavy <br />or financially viable.. <br />in fact, <br />just the opposite! <br /> <br />It is found in the moments <br />that make me smile! <br />The moments <br />that remind me <br />why I keep going.. <br />when I just do not want to!! <br />the moments <br />that touch my heart.. <br />and reach my soul. <br />the moments that matter <br />only to me... <br /> <br />Life happens in those moments!! <br />And those moments <br />can turn it all around! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6123068202494670212?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-22457154970797806922011-08-22T18:42:00.001-07:002011-08-22T18:56:59.487-07:00So I often try and do it all... <br /> <br />I get the kids to help.. <br />but make lots of room <br />for their busy schedules too! <br />I spend time with them.. <br />I listen to their stories.. <br />I referee their arguments... <br />I pack their lunches.. <br />I keep in touch with teachers... <br />I monitor their homework- <br />I taxi them to events.. <br />and arrange play dates <br />and sleep overs... <br />as most parents do! <br /> <br />I give my all at work.. <br />and love what I do! <br /> <br />I also go to college.. <br />trying to give them more <br />one day <br />than I currently <br />can now. <br /> <br />and <span style="font-style: italic;">sometimes</span>- <br />its too much! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">sometimes</span>- <br />I feel like I am drowning! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">sometimes</span>- <br />I wonder if I will ever catch my breath! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">sometimes</span>- <br />I cry uncle! <br /> <br />Today.. <br />I cry uncle.. <br />reassessing what I must do.. <br />and what I must not! <br />looking for ways <br />to alleviate the pressure.. <br />but , also knowing- <br />that today <br />I cry Uncle! <br />but; <br /> <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">tomorrow</span>- <br />I will be OK! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">tomorrow</span>- <br />I will regain perspective! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">tomorrow</span>- <br />I will embrace the business! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;">tomorrow</span>- <br />I will breathe deeply! <br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span> <br />Today- <br />I will remember <br />that Tomorrow is still to come! <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2245715497079780692?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-63763525609336607482011-08-21T07:16:00.000-07:002011-08-21T07:27:43.000-07:00My son starts High school tomorrow. <br /> <br />In truth- <br />he has already been <br />doing high school classes, <br />he knows all the teachers, <br />and continues at the same school. <br /> <br />So its more the idea <br />than the circumstances. <br /> <br />but the idea.. <br />is pretty significant! <br /> <br />I remember so well <br />my first day of high school. <br />I know well <br />what is to come. <br />and I understand <br />that in a few short years <br />his future <br />shall begin.. <br />and my present shall forever change! <br /> <br />I am proud of the young man he is.. <br />blessed to share these moments. <br /> <br />I am also alone <br />in this milestone! <br />His father and I, <br />while amicable and friends; <br />will not stay up tonight <br />talking about the way life is flying by.. <br />we will not share our memories <br />of other first days.. <br />we will not laugh over <br />how fast he has grown. <br />or cry a little when we think <br />of toddler moments so long gone.. <br />In truth- <br />if we were married <br />we may not have done that either! <br /> <br />Its funny how we change <br />the perceptions <br />of what would be, <br />when we no longer remember <br />what was. <br /> <br />regardless.... <br />tomorrow- <br />my life takes on a new season. <br />my heart will hurt a little. <br />I will kiss my son, <br />knowing I am kissing a young man.. <br />no longer a boy. <br />I will begin the process <br />of letting him grow.. <br />and face the prospect <br />of navigating this new road <br />on my own... <br /> <br />A new journey for us both... <br />A season of growth and maturity <br />for mother AND for son. <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6376352560933660748?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-9099349645827569492011-08-19T18:40:00.000-07:002011-08-20T20:30:36.869-07:00The thing <br />with being alone.. <br />it seems, <br />is that I am OK <br />alone; <br />until I am not alone! <br /> <br />so when I was <br />solidly single <br />I was content alone. <br />Then I started <br />to date- <br />and now, <br />while I can be alone, <br />sometimes I feel sad by myself! <br /> <br />I do not know <br />what the future looks like- <br />or even what tomorrow holds. <br /> <br />But, I know <br />that I have started to hope <br />for a presence.. <br />hope for a person.. <br />hope for a resolution.. <br />and hope for security! <br /> <br />Not enough <br />to sell my soul... <br />not enough <br />to compromise who I am... <br />but, enough <br />to hurt my heart a bit. <br />enough to 'feel'- <br /> <br />It seems I opened <br />pandora's box <br />when I dropped my walls... <br />now all I can do <br />is wait <br />and see... <br />not an easy place to be! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-909934964582756949?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-36673301241961087732011-08-17T18:29:00.001-07:002011-08-17T18:33:08.409-07:00I think I need to start <br />carrying a journal with me.. <br />writing is what gets my heart expressed.. <br />writing takes all the feelings <br />and sorts them out! <br />and sometimes as I am sitting <br />thinking <br />I need to get the thoughts out of my head.. <br />and yet, <br />I have nowhere to put them! <br /> <br />And so, <br />I shall get a small journal, <br />and carry a pen.. <br />and write! <br /> <br />Life is fine.. <br />good.. <br />complicated.. <br />confusing... <br />unsure.. <br />happy.. <br />content... <br />unstable... <br />amazing! <br />Life.. <br />is <br />Life! <br /> <br />And sometimes life <br />takes words <br />to sort it all out! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3667330124196108773?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-51447193070798763612011-08-15T06:13:00.000-07:002011-08-18T20:10:35.282-07:00The most bizarre and amazing thing <br />happened to me <br />Saturday night! <br /> <br />I was meant to have a date... <br />it did not work out! <br />I went to my quirky coffee shop.. <br />alone! <br />something I do a lot! <br /> <br />rarely do I see others alone... <br />its a cute little place- <br />live music <br />nice menu <br />wine or coffee... <br />I always drink coffee.. <br />or water. <br /> <br />As I sat alone- <br />I saw a man come in on his own. <br />I noticed! <br />He was young, handsome.. <br />and its Saturday night! <br />I could not help but wonder.. <br />why would he choose here? <br />and yes..I KNOW that I choose here! <br />but, I am quirky! <br /> <br />He sat for a while, <br />ate, <br />drank water.. <br />we made eye contact a few times.. <br />but he was far away. <br />I read my book..pouted(over missed date)..ate! <br /> <br />He left.. <br />I left later. <br />I went down stairs <br />and he sat outside the restaurant on a bench.. <br />he started chatting to me.. <br />we stopped chatting 4 1/2 hours later! <br /> <br />Turns out.. <br />he spends his time alone <br />the way I do.. <br />wondering the streets of the quaint little town.. <br />away from the bars and the bustle.. <br /> <br />now.. <br />he is younger than I am. <br />Enough to make him think.. <br />Maybe or Maybe not; <br />enough to change it all? <br />we shall see... <br />not so much for me.. <br />but, maybe for him? <br />guess time will tell! <br /> <br />So..for now.. <br />I have met a wonderful new friend! <br />One I will see again. <br /> <br />In the mean time.. <br />I realized.. <br />that easy connection? <br />that fluke meeting? <br />that kindred moment? <br />its out there... <br />and worth waiting for.. <br />no matter the end result! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5144719307079876361?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-64860095358551095202011-08-12T18:19:00.000-07:002011-08-12T18:28:37.911-07:00Someone important to me <br />asked me some questions... <br /> <br />the goal was to get me to think <br />about what I wanted <br />and what my future would look like- <br /> <br />The main question: <br />where do I want to be in 5 years.. <br /> <br />The answer; <br />right where I am now. <br /> <br />5 years from now, <br />I want to be in the same town. <br />Possibly the same home. <br />I would like to be at the same job.. <br />and will have 2 children still in school. <br />I want to be near my parents.. <br />and near my children's father. <br />I would like my life to look <br />not too different from now.. <br />with less college <br />(I hope to be done) <br />maybe a touch more money.. <br />(then again with my oldest in college..maybe a touch less) <br />and maybe, just maybe... <br />someone to share the moments with! <br /> <br />The idea- <br />when I meet someone <br />I need to know what to measure <br />to find out: <br />if they fit with 'me' <br />and my goals... <br /> <br />The conclusion- <br />many things matter! <br />but, someone <br />content <br />to live in a small town.. <br />happy with the status quot.. <br />family centered.. <br />and grounded in the reality <br />that parenthood brings.. <br />tops my list! <br /> <br />Its one question so far- <br />but, a big one! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6486009535855109520?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-47296958456371239902011-08-07T06:54:00.000-07:002011-08-08T03:43:36.537-07:00I tend to be an all or nothing <br />person.. <br />I am working on balance.. <br />but, <br />it does not come easily! <br /> <br />The last small stretch <br />of dating <br />held many clues! <br /> <br />One of the biggest <br />is that from the beginning- <br />I chose not to date others <br />and focus on the place I was. <br />Even though <br />it was not 'committed'.. <br />and he preferred no expectations. <br /> <br />The result: <br />me doing a lot of waiting.. <br />and wondering.. <br />and not feeling <br />so great about the whole thing! <br /> <br />So, <br />my lesson.. <br />was to be careful <br />about realistic expectations... <br />and to keep myself 'living' <br />while waiting to see what shall happen! <br /> <br />so now- <br />I have 'dived' into dating.. <br />and have been asked out <br />on 3 dates <br />next week.. <br />all or nothing- <br />that's me! <br /> <br />I have learned that I do <br />not know.. <br />what I do not know! <br />Its hard to judge normal- <br />when you do not have a measure! <br /> <br />I have never dated much.. <br />I want to try it a bit.. <br />see what I like- <br />see what works <br />and what does not.. <br /> <br />And if in the process.. <br />even right away- <br />I meet the man <br />that treats me well.. <br />That Likes me for me... <br />and wants to take it to the next step, <br />and I feel the same; <br />I am perfectly willing <br />to miss out on all the 'dating'.. <br />but, if not.. <br />I shall embrace the process <br />and take the lessons.. <br /> <br />good and bad! <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4729695845637123990?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-40802901147097324182011-08-05T15:10:00.000-07:002011-08-05T15:15:38.558-07:00So..<br />I have been dating<br />for a short while!<br />It has been a process...<br />and one I learned lessons from!<br /><br />But, it has also been hard-<br />in moments too hard!<br /><br />To much baggage<br />between us maybe?<br /><br />Or just not a fit?<br /><br />or just not the right timing?<br /><br />who knows!<br /><br />I know that I was not feeling<br />as I should..<br />I felt on edge<br />and in moments 'unseen'..<br />my expectations-<br />maybe too high?<br />but, maybe not high enough.<br /><br />What I know is that<br />I want it to feel different..<br />I want to feel more valued<br />even in the beginning!<br /><br />And so I walked away..<br />I redefined the perimeters...<br />and my own guidelines..<br />I left the ending<br />open ended..<br />but the expectations are clear!<br /><br />I move on..<br />I do what I should have done<br />all along..<br />I see other people-<br />I date without the preset notions..<br />and I see what I want<br />and who I am meant to be with!!<br /><br />above all,<br />I take back myself..<br />my power<br />and strength..<br />and I live this aspect of my life-<br />on the terms that count:<br />mine!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4080290114709732418?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-40404966390445458112011-08-02T17:37:00.000-07:002011-08-02T17:56:10.659-07:00Seems the more I blog<br />about the perils<br />of dating...<br />the more I see<br />that many of us<br />single parents/people<br />are in the same boat...<br /><br />And it seems<br />many of us<br />would happily<br />JUMP ship!<br /><br />I find dating<br />a roller coaster..<br />in truth..<br />I would say<br />I find 'early' dating<br />that way!<br />Not sure how I will find<br />a dating commitment.<br /><br />But, this??<br />the moments of expression..<br />followed by moments of confusion.<br />The inability<br />to really know what<br />someone else is thinking..<br />and the newness<br />which makes it a bad idea<br />to ask...<br /><br />The moments you think you know..<br />followed by the moments<br />you are sure you do not!<br /><br />I know it will not always be like this-<br />but, for now..<br />the moments when I 'know'<br />are NOT enough to carry me<br />through the moments<br />I 'do not'...<br /><br />And so many moments<br />I find myself thinking<br />the worst..<br />only to see that I am<br />wrong...<br />but, the next time..<br />I will probably do<br />the same thing!<br /><br />Enjoy the process...<br />yup!<br />Sure!<br />OK!<br />I am trying!<br />I am doing 'my' thing..<br />And spending moments<br />together..<br />and in truth things<br />are going OK..<br />its just there are moments<br />when I cannot remember<br />if its OK or not!<br /><br />and over and over and over<br />I think-<br />is this worth it??<br />this unsureness...<br />this insecurity...<br />this knowing<br />that the outcome is..<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">unknown!</span><br />is it worth this?<br />and really...<br />I do not know!<br /><br />But, when I do..<br />I am sure<br />I will blog about it!!:)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4040496639044545811?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-41866503618847688912011-07-31T05:29:00.000-07:002011-08-01T03:47:47.009-07:00I hear the phrase so often-<br />"actions speak louder than words"<br />and I understand that to most<br />this is true-<br />and certainly<br />to some degree I feel the same.<br /><br />but, not as much<br />as one would think!<br /><br />Words touch my heart<br />or break it!<br /><br />When I think over<br />life changing moments..<br />the things I remember<br />are the words that were said!<br />Not the 'things' I came to know-<br />or even the things I saw<br />or experienced...<br />its the words<br />that were said to me<br />about the event at hand..<br />that left the lasting impression!<br /><br />If I were to list<br />the most heartbreaking<br />aspects of my divorce-<br />the memories I have<br />are all things said..<br />the moments I broke;<br />were within the sounds-<br />not the silence.<br /><br />When I remarried..<br />what broke me?<br />the things said to me.<br />The put downs<br />and the unkind criticisms..<br />that carried more weight<br />than extravagant gestures..<br />or even the times<br />spent in peace.<br /><br />On the flip side...<br />when kind words are spoken<br />my heart soars...<br />talking something out<br />with someone-<br />makes me feel close<br />and connected to them.<br /><br />This is not always a good trait..<br />some people use words<br />as weapons..<br />some use them at their bidding.<br />some say them without malice..<br />and yet they implant in my heart-<br />with hurt!<br />for me-<br />I notice words more than most..<br />something said as an aside-<br />will make me wonder and think.<br />something said in kindness or compliment<br />will replay in my mind and heart!<br />something said in anger-<br />can become a stone in my core.<br />something said in love..<br />will keep me holding on,<br />sometimes beyond reason.<br /><br />But,it is what it is...<br />sticks and stones<br />are preferable..<br />words;<br />can make me<br />or break me!<br /><br />And now,<br />as I see this-<br />I wonder!<br />am I as careful<br />with my words?<br />do I measure them as carefully<br />as I should-<br />do I regard them as powerful..<br />or do I react and just say them..<br />and pick up the pieces later!?<br /><br />I hope being more aware<br />of the effect they have on me..<br />I will be more aware<br />of the way I share them<br />with others!<br /><br />I hope that knowing how words<br />change my perceptions-<br />I will learn to judge in balance..<br />I will hear the words,<br />read the tone,<br />look at the actions-<br />and begin to<br />hear beyond the syllables...<br />and see beyond the definitions.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4186650361884768891?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-55167246217169023642011-07-30T21:16:00.000-07:002011-07-30T21:21:59.895-07:00I have made progress<br />in a couple of areas..<br /><br />One-<br />I blogged about living<br />my life..<br />rather than waiting-<br />this weekend,<br />the one I am seeing<br />had family in town-<br />I went to a movie<br />alone last night<br />(loved it..crazy stupid love)<br />met a girlfriend for dinner<br />tonight-<br />and sat listening to live<br />music for several hours!<br />It was nice!<br />I lived my life..<br />I did not sit and stew..<br />or wonder..<br />or worry..<br />its a start!<br />And it felt a lot<br />better<br />than waiting around..<br />just in case!<br /><br />The other area<br />of progress<br />is communication..<br />I shared what I needed<br />and it seems to be working!<br />what a concept..<br />ask and receive!<br />:)<br /><br />And so..<br />I am still in the process<br />not really any further..<br />but not going backwards<br />quite as often.<br /><br />dating measured differently...<br />but, in ways that matter<br />most.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5516724621716902364?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-10038921282874617432011-07-28T05:06:00.000-07:002011-07-28T05:22:26.235-07:00No matter what happens<br />with this current<br />'dating situation'<br />I am in..<br />I am learning SO much!!<br /><br />We are two people<br />with a past!<br />That's what happens<br />when you begin dating<br />at almost 40..<br />with children<br />and ex's...<br /><br />Along with the past-<br />comes the hurt-<br />along with the hurt-<br />comes the fear-<br />along with the fear-<br />comes the walls.<br /><br />All those things<br />change the way<br />you date!<br /><br />I remember dating in my late teens..<br />the newness<br />the excitement..<br />the belief that love was enough.<br />(it was not.)<br /><br />Now,<br />I date as a devoted mother..<br />who has learned<br />that love can let you down.<br />I date a man<br />who is a father first..<br />who has learned the same thing.<br /><br />And so-<br />I learn!<br />I learn to talk rather than assume.<br />I learn that sometimes<br />things are not what they appear.<br />I learn that men who have been hurt<br />are as weary as woman.<br />I learn that a mans hurt<br />is a steel wall..<br />I learn that a woman's hurt<br />is strong on the outside but buckles<br />when hope is introduced.<br />I learn that working it out<br />is harder than walking away-<br /><br />Mostly:<br />I learn that the heart is resilient<br />but retains the scars..<br />and has a memory of its own!<br /><br />I learn!<br />and no matter<br />whether this is a few more weeks<br />or turns into a lifetime;<br />the lessons<br />are shaping who I am<br />in this new stage of healing!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1003892128287461743?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-62857200314869920522011-07-26T05:36:00.000-07:002011-07-26T13:18:42.867-07:00I get it!!!<br />finally!!!<br /><br />Dating<br />and<br />Being alone<br />are NOT mutually exclusive!!<br /><br />Why have I found<br />dating hard?<br />because there is<br />no security<br />in the beginning!<br />will you have plans?<br />or not?<br />that evening without kids..<br />will you spend it with 'him'<br />or alone?<br />Should you make plans with friends..<br />or will he call?<br /><br />When I was not dating...<br />I had no problem<br />making plans<br />for me..<br />or with friends!<br />Now dating-<br />I can put life on hold..<br />just in case!<br />I find myself restless<br />alone...<br />as if there is a better option<br />and I am missing out!<br />as if there is<br />an<br />'all or nothing'<br />dating button!<br />and then I GOT IT!<br />no! NO! no!<br /><br />I need to continue to enjoy<br />being alone!<br />I need to plan my time<br />as before..<br />I need to go see the movies<br />I like..<br />and get my thai food!<br />plan my nights with friends...<br />I need to be content alone!<br />I need to spend the time I can<br />with the one I am getting<br />to know!<br />I need to be available<br />if possible!<br />I need to invest in the newness...<br />I need to date!<br /><br />As soon as I try<br />and do one or the other..<br />either possibility<br />can bring about frustration<br />and disappointment!<br />When I understand<br />that in the dating process<br />you are still alone...<br />I look at life differently!<br />I still look to me<br />to create the fulfillment..<br />rather then waiting on another!<br /><br />I shall put effort<br />into enjoying both!<br />Fulfilled when with another-<br />fulfilled when alone..<br />understanding that to survive<br />dating<br />I must be able to do both!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6285720031486992052?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-24622583230466872382011-07-25T18:04:00.000-07:002011-07-25T18:39:50.036-07:00It happens...<br /><br />to much going on..<br />to little going on...<br />to many emotions-<br />not enough time-<br />not enough money-<br />Its called life!<br /><br />Most of the time<br />I love my life...<br />every now and then<br />I get over it!<br /><br />Add to the normal situations<br />the new dynamics of dating..<br />and it seems a recipe for disaster!<br /><br />and yet..<br />it really is up to me!!<br />I can allow it all to get to me-<br />as I have!<br />Or I can let it go..<br />or at least un clutter my head<br />to leave some room to deal with it all!<br /><br />Its not easy<br />to just let life happen..<br />and sometimes<br />its more then you bargain for..<br />but,<br />letting life consume you<br />is no better!<br /><br />and so..<br />I face and know;<br />that the stress of being the bread winner<br />is just that.. stress!<br />The stress of going back to school<br />is just that...stress!<br />The stress of raising three kids<br />is just that...stress!<br />and the stress of dating..<br />yes! more stress...<br /><br />But, life??<br />is good!!<br />Life is mine!<br />and all of the above<br />is still what I allow it to be!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2462258323046687238?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-54407156277972055052011-07-22T14:06:00.000-07:002011-07-22T14:15:35.468-07:00so..<br />not for the first time in my life..<br />or the second..<br />or honestly even the 3rd..<br />I have been accused<br />of making something complicated-<br />that did not need to be!<br /><br />I am starting to see<br />a pattern here!!<br />:-)<br /><br />Its true..<br />I over think..<br />I over analyze..<br />I over worry...<br />I over talk...<br />and I over estimate!<br /><br />That does not mean<br />the people who<br />do this 'suggesting'<br />of my complicated self;<br />are perfect!<br />or close..<br />or even always that nice..<br />just sayin!<br /><br />But, it means<br />that if I am honest with myself-<br />I will see that they are right!<br /><br />And so..<br />today starts a new day!<br />As will tomorrow<br />and the day after that!<br /><br />and my goal?<br />go with the flow..<br />stop worrying<br />that a new relationship<br />will turn into a marriage..<br />or not!<br />Stop looking for every issue<br />to see if I can live like<br />that<span style="font-style: italic;"> forever</span>..<br /><br /><br />instead..<br />I shall decide for today!<br />and than tomorrow<br />I shall decide again..<br />until I am not deciding..<br />because I know!<br /><br />or think I know..<br />or maybe do not know..<br />*sigh*<br />its so much easier than it sounds....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5440715627797205505?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-75247583943112313982011-07-20T12:50:00.000-07:002011-07-20T16:49:11.886-07:00The bump<br />and working through stress<br />of a new relationship..<br />taught me some things.<br /><br />Of course I learned<br />that you have to see out the process<br />to really learn what makes someone<br />tick...<br /><br />But, also I learned<br />that as far as I have come...<br />I have so much still to learn.<br /><br />In so many areas<br />of my life..<br />I am strong<br />and healthy.<br />but, in some areas<br />I still fall back to unhealthy patterns.<br /><br />When something<br />'unjust'<br />happens..<br />or someone shuts me out;<br />I feel the need to be heard!<br />And sometimes<br />my need to be heard<br />becomes clingy and weak..<br />it becomes all the qualities<br />I want to avoid<br />in myself-<br />and others...<br /><br />It stems from just needing to know..<br />to understand!<br />Just wanting to hear and be heard.<br /><br />But, its unattractive<br />and above all..<br />it gives away my strength<br />and leaves me feeling<br />powerless<br />and hurt...<br /><br />In addition;<br />I have too many walls..<br />I let fear rule-<br />I give too much credit-<br />I second guess too much-<br />I make excuses-<br /><br />and I realize<br />that I have to learn to overcome<br />these tendencies!<br /><br />I can not learn healthy relationship skills<br />while sitting on the sidelines.<br />I will only learn how to<br />overcome these areas...<br />and communicate effectively<br />while in the actual game.<br /><br />And so...<br />it goes..<br />and so..<br />it goes!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7524758394311231398?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-55636518954747117262011-07-18T00:31:00.000-07:002011-07-18T10:45:00.036-07:00So here is my list;<br /><br />1) a man that shares my faith<br />2)a man that has kids or completely respects that I do, and understands all that entails.<br />3)a man with a stable income and rewarding job<br />4)a man who makes me laugh<br />5)a man that is flexible<br />6)a man that makes me feel valuable to him<br />7)a man that does not see the need to drink excessively with friends often if at all<br />8)a man who watches his language around me<br />9)a man that makes me feel safe<br />10)a man who respects who I am, even if he does not share all my quirks<br />11)a man who will communicate in good times and bad<br />12)a man I am attracted to<br />13)a man that makes me feel attractive<br />14)a man who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin<br />15)a man who accepts and understands the demands in my life<br />16)a man who embraces my love for my family<br />17)a man who encourages my time with friends<br />18)a man who has his own healthy hobbies<br />19)a man who smiles easily<br />20)a man who handles his stress appropriately<br />21)a man who is respectful to those around him<br />22)a man who treats his mother kindly<br />23)a man who understands and accepts the back seat role he will have with my kids.<br />24)a man who likes being a man<br />25)a man who likes, or accepts with kindness, animals<br />26)a man who wants a balanced partnership<br />27)a man who will allow me to talk things out when I feel hurt<br />28)a man who will not keep me guessing<br />29)a man who will be faithful<br />30)a man who will enhance my life emotionally, and allow me to do the same to him.<br /><br />I may not find the one man<br />who encompasses all of this..<br />but someone will have<br />more of these qualities than less...<br />Some of these are less then vital..<br />Some I cannot live without...<br />And maybe in time the list will grow-<br />or shrink!<br />but, I am learning as I go.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5563651895474711726?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-46362499090870556972011-07-17T12:23:00.000-07:002011-07-17T14:33:40.371-07:00dating is hard!<br />There is NO way around it!<br />do you open up?<br />or hold back?<br />are they who they say?<br />how will you know?<br /><br />It seems I have hit a speed bump<br />in the new place I was..<br />Why is not important!<br />But, the fact that it is there..<br />and will definitely slow things down,<br />and most likely stop things all together-<br />has gotten me to thinking!<br /><br />When I started dating,<br />it was impulsive!<br />I had waited so long...<br />and said no so often!<br />and than..a yes!<br />and it was not perfect..<br />but, it started to fit..<br /><br />however,<br />I had never really defined<br />what I wanted!<br />I was not really sure!<br />I have decided<br />no matter what happens now-<br />to define<br />the qualities that matter:<br /><br />The things I will look for<br />and notice when absent!<br />the things I can live without..<br />and the things I cannot!<br /><br />Compromise is imperative,<br />flexibility a must..<br />but, accepting the unacceptable..<br />is... well..unacceptable!<br /><br />How do you know<br />until you go through it!?<br />That's part of the process<br />and in moments it stinks!<br />But, if I learn..<br />if the relationship lasts<br />and is better for it-<br />if it does not,<br />but I am..<br />the process is worth<br />the very literal pain!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4636249909087055697?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-63886860233741243552011-07-14T20:29:00.000-07:002011-07-14T20:32:58.549-07:00As I begin<br />to learn..<br />the new stage<br />of another!<br /><br />A new place in my life..<br />A new experience...<br />New questions<br />and sometimes not so fun answers!<br /><br />A past, a present, a future..<br />his!<br />mine!<br />who we are..<br />who we were..<br />and who we want to be!<br /><br />Sometimes this brings worries..<br />and sometimes beautiful perspective.<br /><br />When I wonder,<br />do we have a shot?<br />the answer is a louder;<br />'heck yeah'..<br /><br />are we guaranteed it?<br />NO!<br />will it work for sure?<br />who knows!<br />will we make it to the next stage?<br />only time will tell!<br /><br />but its no longer a game..<br />its more than a dance!<br />Its a start....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6388686023374124355?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-51811509664484884382011-07-13T14:01:00.000-07:002011-07-13T20:25:30.337-07:00So getting to know<br />someone knew,<br />means learning how<br />to communicate.<br /><br />Something I have not<br />experienced<br />in a healthy way..<br />in either of my marriages.<br /><br />So now...<br />I am trying to communicate;<br />clearly,<br />concisely..<br /><br />and yet instead;<br />I am nervous,<br />tongue tied<br />and shy..<br /><br />I say what I mean<br />in too many words..<br />he thinks he hears<br />what I mean<br />and yet is confused.<br /><br />Part of the problem;<br /><br />I do not know<br />what I want!<br /><br />I am not sure what works.<br /><br />If I knew;<br />I would<br />still be married..<br />I would NOT be<br />dating again.<br /><br />so, how do I<br />explain<br />what I hope for<br />or want?<br />when I am afraid that if<br />I get it..<br />I will regret asking.<br /><br />The fact that I care<br />is a good sign..<br />the fact that I trip on the words<br />a reflection<br />of the balance,<br />versus control-<br />I feel in this new relationship.<br /><br />I am strong..<br />and I can be tough..<br />but I am not the only one<br />steering this ship.<br /><br />all good..<br />but gracious...<br />I need script..please!!!:)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5181150966448488438?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-28784386378824325812011-07-11T18:51:00.000-07:002011-07-11T19:00:53.538-07:00so 3 weeks in...<br />Dating one person..<br />not serious...<br />still figuring each other out..<br />but not really casual either!<br />Just dating!<br /><br />I am not as fearful<br />of breaking a rule..<br />I am reading less into<br />late calls<br />or missed texts...<br />I am accepting more<br />of the good..<br />and feeling more comfortable<br />not just in my skin..<br />but also with in this new stage.<br />the game is becoming<br />reality!<br /><br />My favorite part-<br />is the reaction of friends.<br />The jaw dropping response<br />when I mention<br />"I am seeing someone"..<br />that part makes me laugh!<br />but, admittedly<br />I was determined not to get to this place..<br />until I wanted to be exactly here!<br />I can see that those around me<br />thought it might never happen.<br /><br />I have no allusions.<br />I know that what is to come<br />may not look anything like<br />what is now...<br />and I also know,<br />it might look better..<br /><br />I just know that in this moment<br />I smile..<br />and I feel excited...<br />and I am FINALLY enjoying<br />the process!<br />and ready to see<br />what might come...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2878438637882432581?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-2569163209885623642011-07-09T07:00:00.000-07:002011-07-09T07:07:45.912-07:00dating..<br />its a game!<br />no rules-<br />no winners-<br />several chances<br />to get it right<br />or mess it up..<br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">a game</span>.<br /><br />When the phone<br />does not ring<br />when expected..<br />I think:<br />"if he does not call by 10:00 I am done!"...<br />then:<br />"if that phone does not ring by 10:10 its over!"<br />then:<br />"10:20 is my final offer!!"....<br />then:<br />10:25 the phone rings,<br />I pick it up and sweetly say:<br />"hello?"..<br />as if I am totally surprised my phone rang!<br />*sigh*<br />a game!!!:)<br /><br />However-<br />the only way to enjoy<br />the game<br />is to know...<br />sure, you might get hurt!<br />sure, you might hurt someone else...<br />but, no matter the outcome-<br />you will be OK!<br />You have been OK before..<br />and you can be OK again!!<br /><br />If that is not there..<br />the game becomes about desperation..<br />the stakes get to high!<br /><br />I am willing to roll the dice<br />and make a bet or 2...<br />I am willing to take a chance<br />on the least likely outcome...<br />I can take the risk<br />on a lucky hunch...<br />because I won this game<br />when I learned that playing it<br />is <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">my</span> CHOICE!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-256916320988562364?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-49781741685844490012011-07-07T18:18:00.000-07:002011-07-07T18:28:38.737-07:00So about 3 weeks ago<br />I had a first date..<br />we are now on date number 5ish...<br />not all fancy or formal..<br />some just walks<br />or snippets of time!<br />Still NEW!<br />Still unsure as to the next step!<br /><br />however..<br />so far..<br />so good!<br /><br />Slow..<br />kind..<br />respectful...<br />gentleman...<br /><br />all good words...<br />all good things;<br />and all good reasons<br />to stick around for date<br />number 6!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4978174168584449001?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-82344997952754116842011-07-04T06:17:00.000-07:002011-07-04T06:24:35.417-07:00So I am dating..<br />just a bit..<br />just a start..<br />a foot out the door!<br /><br />I spoke to a friend<br />yesterday,<br />she said<br />"My hope is you will just enjoy the process!".<br /><br />I want to..<br />I do!<br />But,<br />here is the thing;<br />Like most..<br />I have been hurt!<br />Badly!<br />Twice!<br />Both in the areas<br />of trust-<br />both in different ways-<br />but equally devastating!<br /><br />So<br />now I am in a 'game'..<br />that has no rules!<br />A game with no guarantee..<br />a game that leaves me<br />wondering;<br />am I being played?<br />a game that makes it<br />hard for me<br />to relax within the lack of structure<br />and predictability!<br /><br />In the early stages<br />of dating..<br />The signs are impossible<br />to read!<br />My signals are crossed<br />due to my walls!<br />and when something<br />I expected does not happen<br />I want to write the person off.<br />When something unexpected<br />but welcome;<br />happens..<br />I fight the thoughts of<br />being fooled...<br />ugh!<br /><br />I know<br />its all part of the process!<br />I know trust<br />will one day be earned!<br /><br />I know dating different<br />people..<br />getting to know<br />what I want<br />and what I do not..<br />is part of moving on!<br /><br />Sometimes I wonder<br />if my heart<br />is strong enough<br />for the game..<br />or if I should just<br />bench myself..<br />once again!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8234499795275411684?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-72187103911541093202011-07-03T09:57:00.000-07:002011-07-03T10:08:08.391-07:00I have been divorced<br />from my children's father<br />for almost 5 years...<br /><br />We have had our ups<br />and<br />our downs..<br />I have shut him out..<br />he has done the same..<br />We have NOT been<br />the perfect divorced couple..<br /><br />However..<br />we stuck through it!<br />Giving each other the benefit<br />of the doubt!<br />Both giving second<br />chances..<br />Both remembering<br />that before the divorce<br />there was love..<br /><br />And here we are!<br />Today we sat<br />and talked about the kids.<br />It was nice!<br />It was open!<br />We are on the same page!<br />We then talked about a<br />movie<br />I have said no too..<br />he thinks yes!<br />He waited to ask me..<br />he did not override me<br />in his home..<br />The affect?<br />a compromise!<br /><br />It has taken a while<br />for us to feel safe<br />with one another..<br />for us to each trust one another..<br />beyond the kids!<br />But, it is happening!<br /><br />A relationship<br />being restored!<br />Not one of romance!<br />But, respect!<br />We will forever share<br />children..<br />and I hope<br />we will forever<br />share this..<br /><br />I am blessed!<br />I KNOW this!<br />IT does not happen<br />like this for everyone!<br /><br />But, there were also<br />many moments along<br />the way..<br />that we could have both<br />made choices<br />that took life in a different<br />direction!<br />It takes 2 to get to this moment!<br />and it takes choices along<br />the way!<br />It took letting go<br />and moving on.<br />It took strength<br />and determination...<br />and it took FAITH<br />to know<br />that it would one day<br />be what it should!<br /><br />It took time...<br />And it was worth it!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7218710391154109320?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-42169160648172265372011-07-01T07:20:00.000-07:002011-07-01T14:03:52.846-07:00I have entered a new stage<br />in my life...<br />I am no longer as closed and fearful..<br />I am reserved and cautious,<br />but finally ready<br />to move on...<br /><br />Not just with dating,<br />also with friends.<br />I have begun to focus more<br />on the friends<br />I have had..<br />and friends I have just met!<br />I am allowing myself<br />to go on dates...<br />I am also letting<br />go of the past!<br />Again, not just with past love<br />but also past friends.<br /><br />Not every relationship<br />I have had..<br />has survived<br />the rocky road!<br />Some that I thought<br />would be resilient<br />have dissipated like dust..<br />some that I assumed<br />were circumstantial;<br />have proven to be<br />bound by ties to strong<br />to break.<br /><br />Now,<br />I am ready to say goodbye<br />to the friendships<br />that did not make it..<br />the loves left in my past..<br />the dreams that were once<br />mine...<br />and instead embrace<br />who I am...<br />where I am...<br />and those still walking<br />this journey along side me.<br /><br />New friends<br />and old..<br />first dates<br />and second...<br />Fresh starts<br />with a weathered perspective.<br /><br />A new season..<br />a new, while rusty, me!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4216916064817226537?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-46652382308786640462011-06-25T20:23:00.000-07:002011-06-25T20:33:15.689-07:00so....<br />I did something<br />I rarely do...<br />in fact almost never!<br />I went on a date..<br />a real date!<br /><br />dinner...<br />and then when the date<br />went well,<br />a movie.<br /><br />It was nice.<br />Nice person...<br />easy conversation...<br />just nice..<br />easy...<br />NOT so bad.<br /><br />Not sure where it will go..<br />maybe nowhere...<br />maybe somewhere....<br />but, I know<br />that this event that I avoid<br />was not nearly<br />as worth avoiding<br />as I imagined.<br /><br />Part of the easiness<br />of the evening,<br />came when I realized<br />I am in control.<br />I can see this person again,<br />if he would like..<br />and I can see him often..<br />if we both choose...<br />and I can remain<br />uncommitted<br />as long as I am honest..<br />or I can choose to<br />get involved..<br />if we are both on the same<br />page..<br />or I can choose to walk away,<br />as can he!<br /><br />There is no<br />pressure...<br />unless I allow it!<br />There is no decision<br />to be made...<br />unless, I choose<br />to be a part of it!<br /><br />So,<br />a date became a date..<br />and a second date<br />..well...<br />still a date...<br />and a date with another?<br />still a date..<br /><br />A word<br />that only carries as much<br />weight<br />as you allow it too..<br />when you decide it should.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4665238230878664046?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-10700197152215867832011-06-24T20:18:00.000-07:002011-06-24T20:28:49.799-07:00Tonight is the start of my weekend..<br />without the kids.<br /><br />As I sit....<br />playing on Facebook..<br />watching the news..<br />feet on the coffee table...<br />dogs sleeping near by on the couch..<br /><br />I feel relaxed.<br />I know I can sleep in...<br />I know that no-one<br />will need cough medicine,<br />or water,<br />in the middle of the night.<br /><br />I am off duty.<br />I am enjoying the moment..<br /><br />and then unbidden..<br />I remember,<br />I focus..<br />I understand...<br />This is not what being a<br />mom was meant to be!<br /><br />I was meant to yearn<br />for nights out with friends!<br />I was meant to host weekly<br />sleepovers..<br />and make weekly Saturday<br />morning breakfasts..<br />I was meant to make cliche<br />statements<br />about sleeping when<br />the kids left home...<br />I was meant to feel cranky<br />that I was never in the house<br />alone..<br />I was meant to think about<br />'finding myself'<br />when my kids were grown<br />and gone.<br />I was meant to be on duty<br />ALL of the time...<br /><br />I was not meant to<br />be here..<br />right now...<br />alone...<br />relaxed...<br />still...<br />enjoying the sounds of silence..<br />while counting the cost<br />of the absence.<br /><br />I take the moment...<br />because it is here;<br />it is mine!<br />But, sometimes,<br />all I want...<br />is to give it back!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1070019715221586783?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-78076889278548279132011-06-23T05:15:00.000-07:002011-06-23T05:24:31.725-07:00I have started wondering<br />what type of friend I am<br />these days??<br /><br />I KNOW there have<br />been seasons<br />when I was an awful friend..<br />often non-existent....<br />as I tried to survive my life.<br /><br />but, now..<br />as I am healing..<br />and healthier..<br /><br />why do I feel<br />that maybe..<br />I am still,<br />just NOT that good<br />of a friend!!<br /><br />I think I retreated<br />into a cave<br />several years ago!<br />Like a bear<br />licking its wounds...<br />and I wonder,<br />have I really come out???<br /><br />I have a FEW friends<br />that I see inconsistently often,<br />but I know that I could call<br />them at any time..<br />and the same for them!<br /><br />I have a group of gals<br />that are my 'coffee' friends..<br />and we meet at least<br />monthly,<br />and FB in between.<br /><br />I know MANY people...<br />and get moments to encourage<br />those in my shoes<br />sometimes...<br /><br />and my BFF from high school<br />is still one of my<br />very best friends..<br />but we chat when we can...<br />not that often!<br /><br />and I wonder???<br />why am I not doing more!!!<br /><br />I love the woman in my life!<br />I am blessed to love<br />and be loved by many!<br /><br />Why?<br />am I still in my cave!<br />Why do I only have<br />the few...<br />that I choose to see..<br />and choose rather to be<br />alone<br />then reach out<br />most of the other times!<br /><br />Does this make me a bad friend?<br />or am I still finding my footing?<br /><br />I am not really sure!<br />and I am not sure<br />where to start!<br />because when you boil<br />it down to the basics...<br />I am still<br />a single mom..<br />who works full time..<br />goes to college...<br />and manages my home<br />and 3 kids!<br /><br />Is friendship the priority<br />when time is so limited??<br /><br />you see...<br />I think it is!<br />and I think<br />its time..<br />for me to be a better friend!<br />and in the process<br />become a better,<br />more well rounded<br />me!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7807688927854827913?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-71936722189436310842011-06-19T05:53:00.000-07:002011-06-19T06:00:23.705-07:00It is fathers day!<br />A day that has been bittersweet...<br />the sweet comes from my father<br />I love dearly!!<br />the bitter from the hurt<br />from the loss of the father<br />of my own kids..<br />the loss to me,<br />not them!<br /><br />however,<br />this year..<br />I realize<br />that even in this last year<br />so much has changed!<br />Last year I felt sad as the day approached...<br />this year?<br />peace!<br /><br />It seems the more time<br />that passes,<br />the more I reconcile...<br />not just my marriage,<br />but who I was<br />and was not within it..<br />the more I understand<br />that where I am now,<br />is where I want to be!<br />The more I am able<br />to separate the father in my<br />children's life..<br />from the man<br />that was in mine...<br /><br />so today..<br />I shall help my children<br />cook their father dinner!<br />I shall set an example<br />of honor..<br />I shall help them celebrate<br />and cherish their dad.<br />They will serve him dinner<br />within their home,<br />while I run off to coffee..<br />they shall love,<br />as always,<br />freely..<br /><br />And for the first time...<br />I feel free<br />to honor and respect<br />the role;<br />their father plays..<br />without<br />the tinge of hurt attached!<br /><br />It takes time...<br />but, it happens!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7193672218943631084?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-30287592648033594632011-06-15T10:30:00.000-07:002011-06-15T10:53:10.947-07:00Today,<br />I said goodbye to my companion!<br /><br />My golden..Simba.<br /><br />I relinquished him<br />to a rescue!<br />A wonderful group of people...<br />equipped to care for him!<br /><br />Why?<br />so many reasons.<br />The primary,<br />he had become aggressive<br />towards me and my kids..<br />the secondary,<br />(possible causes)<br />he had hip pain (dysplasia)<br />and grand mal seizures!<br /><br />I am just not able<br />to pay for the medical procedures,<br />and I cannot risk<br />him hurting one of the kids!<br /><br />It was a hard choice!<br />The rescue is wonderful,<br />they will have him cared for..<br />surgery, medicine, ect..<br />and then they will adopt him<br />into a home<br />without small children!<br />Best for him...<br />sad for us!<br /><br />So much about Simba<br />makes me smile to remember...<br />and some makes me cringe!<br /><br />He loved us all...<br />especially the cats!<br />His favorite was carrying<br />them in his mouth..<br />by their heads!<br />I am sure they<br />are not as sad about his<br />leaving,<br />as I am!!<br /><br />Simba was an awful watch dog!<br />HE hid behind me when<br />he heard loud noises!!<br />Once he had me walking<br />around the house with a<br />BIG stick,<br />ready to dial 911,<br />as he cowered<br />and growled behind me!<br />His fear was directed towards the kitchen..<br />turns out the lunch box<br />on the table,<br />was casting a shadow..<br />that freaked him out!<br /><br />But,in spite of his poor protection skills,<br />his presence made me feel<br />less alone!!<br />At night,<br />He slept near me<br />and his groans were comforting<br />in the dark!<br /><br />I am alone..A lot!<br />When the kids are with their dad<br />I am more often alone<br />than not..<br />but a HUGE hairy dog<br />takes space...<br />shares breath...<br />shows affection...<br />and makes one feel<br />well...not.. so alone!!<br /><br />Simba had his issues for sure!<br />He ate ANYTHING!<br />electric chords,<br />porch screens,<br />metal doors..<br />and even a pair of eye glasses!<br />He never outgrew the chewing stage,<br />did I mention he ate part of my couch?<br />We had gates up everywhere!<br /><br />He also never actually learned<br />to obey!<br />He would do the same thing<br />and get caught every time!<br />He was my goofy dog!<br /><br />Oh, how we loved him!<br />EVEN when he made us nuts!!!<br /><br />I will miss him...<br />I will miss his presence..<br />I will miss the way he looked at me..<br />and how he bumped my hand<br />with his head<br />when he wanted some love!<br />I will miss sighing and saying,<br />"oh Simba..not again"..<br />when he ate something I was sure<br />was indestructible!<br />I will miss the way the cats<br />rubbed up against him,<br />and slept near him at night!<br />I will miss so much....<br />and for the moment,<br />I am remembering<br />how alone,<br />alone can really feel!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3028759264803359463?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-61309499599004212502011-06-11T09:43:00.000-07:002011-06-12T18:50:57.591-07:00I have blogged a lot<br />about the relationship<br />my ex and I have...<br />its as good as it gets,<br />short of being BFF's<br />or crossing healthy boundaries!<br /><br />We are able to do things<br />together,<br />we talk about the kids...<br />and we communicate!<br /><br />But, I admit..<br />sometimes its hard to share!<br /><br />Its not so much<br />that I have to share the time!<br />Its that I do not get to share<br />in all the moments!!<br /><br />Recently<br />their dad and I<br />talked about the cruise..<br />as much as I would like to<br />go again..<br />he would like to take them too..<br />so next year is his!<br />FAIR!<br />but, in a perfect world...<br />I would be on every vacation...<br />in a perfect world..<br />so would he.<br /><br />sometimes, I take them to a movie<br />or concert<br />he wished he had..<br />and sometimes<br />he takes them to do something<br />I wish I could have done too...<br /><br />Its not about anger<br />or resentment!<br />Its just about life!<br /><br />When I became a mother<br />and envisioned a future...<br />I pictured the moments,<br />and never saw<br />fractured events!<br />I never imagined<br />that I would be hearing<br />about vacations<br />or movies<br />or parks..<br />rather then sharing in the<br />experience!<br />I am sure their dad feels<br />the same way!<br /><br />There is no way around it!<br />We have done the best with<br />what we have!<br />We respect each others<br />need for memories and moments..<br />We both put the kids needs<br />above our own..<br />We are both willing<br />to share...<br />its just not always easy!<br /><br />Then again...<br />the kids are loved<br />and spoiled times two!!<br />That is ALL good!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6130949959900421250?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-56462872148239260022011-06-10T18:51:00.001-07:002011-06-10T20:56:15.078-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T-I1Ta0YAKc/TfLLJqDMIoI/AAAAAAAAARc/_Knfo9KFa-o/s1600/cruise%2B088.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T-I1Ta0YAKc/TfLLJqDMIoI/AAAAAAAAARc/_Knfo9KFa-o/s200/cruise%2B088.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5616775052051358338" border="0" /></a> Nassua, Bahamas<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CHbHiEt1gck/TfLK5QE5E6I/AAAAAAAAARU/EGXbgegjD8I/s1600/cruise%2B002.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CHbHiEt1gck/TfLK5QE5E6I/AAAAAAAAARU/EGXbgegjD8I/s200/cruise%2B002.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5616774770201269154" border="0" /></a> About to get on the cruise<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wapgOaHX-j4/TfLKqIOxYkI/AAAAAAAAARM/PHOYlqtk-MI/s1600/pedicure%2B121.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wapgOaHX-j4/TfLKqIOxYkI/AAAAAAAAARM/PHOYlqtk-MI/s200/pedicure%2B121.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5616774510397186626" border="0" /></a> Floor seats at Taylor Swift<br /><br /><br />What a big weekend we had.<br />Starting with a concert..<br />where by the luck of the draw,<br />I bought us floor seats<br />to Taylor Swift!<br />It was truly amazing...<br />My girls first concert,<br />completely unforgettable!!<br /><br />The next day we left<br />for our first family cruise!<br />Huge in so many ways..<br />we saved pennies and change.<br />I saved what I earned..<br />and I was able to pay it off<br />in cash...<br />I was thrilled to do this!!<br /><br />We had a ball..<br />but it was also hard!!<br />It was stressful being the<br />only parent...<br />one adult..<br />three kids!<br />They wanted to do<br />different things,<br />and needed to be<br />in different places-<br />I was the only<br />cruise director<br />on duty!<br />They are still a bit<br />young to wander a ship alone..<br />so, when they needed to go,<br />I went too..<br />when they were ready<br />to come back,<br />I was there waiting!<br />I came home quite exhausted,<br />and a little surprised!!<br />It has only been<br />in thinking it over<br />that I have come to<br />understand..<br />why it felt stressful in<br />moments!!<br />and remembered that there is<br />pressure<br />when one does it alone...<br /><br />Over all..<br />it was wonderful<br />and I hope we get to<br />do it again!!!<br />The funny part-<br />A huge ship..<br />2 different ports...<br />fancy dinners..<br />and cool bunk beds..<br />and the thing<br />my kids remember the most??<br />24 hour a day<br />ICE CREAM!!<br />:)<br />Love it!!<br /><br />Now back to reality<br /><br />and once more<br />I store the memories<br />and save the pictures....<br />and am deeply<br />thrilled<br />to have been able<br />to do this<br />with my little<br />family of four!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5646287214823926002?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-14607557077283416712011-06-04T05:02:00.000-07:002011-06-04T05:10:47.428-07:00Many months ago,<br />I managed<br />by some fluke...<br />(more likely a God thing)<br />to get tickets<br />(in the 15 minutes before they sold out)<br />to the Taylor Swift concert.<br />Not only tickets..<br />but GOOD tickets!!<br /><br />So tonight is the night!<br />The girls are so excited!!<br />We are heading out for pedicures...<br />they are listening<br />to their CD's...<br /><br />And I am reveling in the moment!<br />I remember my mom<br />taking me to my first concert!<br />Out of all the ones since<br />I still remember that one the most!!<br /><br />I believe VERY much in the moment!<br />Yes,<br />we should plan for the future<br />(I will get around to that I am sure!)<br />but, why do we think<br />our memories can wait?<br /><br />I want to know<br />that I did not put off<br />the moments<br />until it was too late!!<br /><br />The balance<br />is in not SPENDING<br />every moment!<br />some memories<br />have to be saved!<br /><br />However,<br />I find the moments I can<br />and I plan them!<br />Knowing<br />that the memory<br />was well worth the cost.....<br /><br />So tonight..<br />we shall make some memories<br />take some pictures,<br />sing some songs..<br />and store the moment<br />in the savings account of our hearts!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1460755707728341671?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-82711138090217405332011-06-01T18:57:00.000-07:002011-06-01T19:13:12.234-07:00My ex husband and I<br />took a divorce cruise...<br /><br />my friends giggle when I share this,<br />but its true!!:)<br /><br />Its on my mind<br />right now..<br />as soon;<br />my children and I<br />embark on a cruise<br />of our own!<br />I will have many<br />current memories<br />to share..<br /><br />but, now<br />I am thinking of 'then'.<br /><br />We did not actually plan<br />it as a divorce cruise..<br />we were married and coming<br />up on 15 years!<br />So 7 months before<br />we cruised,<br />we booked.<br /><br />A lot happened in that 7 months..<br />and when it was time to sail,<br />we were ready to sign the papers<br />that ended our marriage!<br /><br />Continuing on the cruise<br />was a hard decision..<br />we were going with another couple..<br />and to Alaska...<br />I chose to go.<br />I am so glad I did!<br /><br />It was surreal..<br />we agreed NOT to flirt,<br />or act single..regardless of how close<br />to the end we were!<br />We were NOT, in fact, single!<br />We went on the cruise still married..<br />maybe harboring hope??<br /><br />We ate together, laughed together...<br />we zip lined and four wheeled.<br />my heart broke a lot...<br />I journal-ed,<br />I cried...<br />I began to let go..<br />but it was hard watching<br />what it could 'have' been<br />fade before my eyes!<br />Maybe one of the hardest<br />things I have ever done....<br /><br />We were good together<br />on the cruise..<br />comfortable, friends, companions...<br />we even WON the 'not so newlywed game'..<br />and were given marraige advice<br />by older couples sitting at our table..<br />sometimes I wanted to scream.<br />"ITS not REAL..its OVER"..<br />but, I did not!<br />I knew if there was any chance<br />EVER..this was it!<br /><br />The day the cruise ended..<br />we wondered...<br />could we fix this??<br />but we knew<br />the world was waiting.<br />It was easy to be OK in the middle<br />of the ocean.<br />Not so easy when life picked up again.<br />The reality of what was<br />overcame the fantasy<br />of the week at sea......<br /><br />And so,<br />we went ashore..<br />picked up our kids<br />and returned to our home<br />for the last time..<br />and 3 weeks later signed<br />our papers<br />and I moved out!<br /><br />I think however,<br />that cruise,<br />as surreal as it was...<br />set the scene<br />for a positive post divorce relationship.<br /><br />We have remained<br />good to each other,<br />with only a few hiccups<br />along the way..<br /><br />So, maybe<br />divorce cruises<br />are not such a bad idea<br />after all....<br /><br />:-)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8271113809021740533?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-4897655276761499582011-05-30T04:49:00.000-07:002011-05-30T05:05:53.384-07:00Today is memorial day!<br />A day of remembering...<br /><br />For me,<br />this date also brings<br />other memories to mind.<br /><br />19 years ago<br />I married the love of my life...<br />believing in happily ever after.<br />Knowing I never wanted more...<br /><br />5 years ago<br />on this exact date...<br />it began to unravel.<br /><br />So, today..<br />the day we would have celebrated<br />19 years<br />leaves me feeling...<br />well...<br />OK!<br /><br />I remember,<br />I will always remember!<br />I know what I have lost<br />and I know what I have gained!<br />I accept where we are,<br />and truly believe that it is<br />where we are meant to be!<br /><br />There was a time in my life<br />that the length of my marriage<br />brought me great satisfaction!<br />It was also a time in my life<br />that the 'roles' in my life<br />held my identity!<br /><br />Now, my contentment is not in my role<br />or in my status...<br />instead it is in the simple way<br />I face and overcome each day.<br /><br />Do I wish that I could have that<br />19 year celebration?<br />I wish...<br />that life had been all I had hoped..<br />and all my children desired!<br />It was not!<br />So I grieved the hurt<br />and accepted the now.<br /><br />and today..<br />instead of dwelling on the loss<br />I shall dwell on the outcome!<br />The 3 amazing children we share,<br />and the way we have come to parent<br />together ;<br />and work as a separate , but unified, couple<br />as much as possible.<br /><br />I shall celebrate<br />that 19 years ago<br />I married a man<br />who stole my heart..<br />provided for our family..<br />allowed me to stay home with<br />our kids..<br />and<br />who will always be<br />the father of my children!<br />I shall celebrate the relationship<br />we have forged through the brokenness<br />and the lessons we learned in the process.<br /><br />I shall celebrate<br />that it no longer hurts<br />like it did..<br />that I no longer<br />need to forget!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-489765527676149958?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-66878769145026763402011-05-28T08:17:00.001-07:002011-05-28T08:31:58.057-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V5j8i6QgS94/TeESc5xnxwI/AAAAAAAAARA/XcSwXXuNPNw/s1600/award%2Bceremony%2B025.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V5j8i6QgS94/TeESc5xnxwI/AAAAAAAAARA/XcSwXXuNPNw/s200/award%2Bceremony%2B025.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611786898434934530" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iTzhNI4E5OA/TeESWbXkz_I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/tC5_2g5kePA/s1600/award%2Bceremony%2B024.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iTzhNI4E5OA/TeESWbXkz_I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/tC5_2g5kePA/s200/award%2Bceremony%2B024.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611786787193409522" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IowcqmzDVuk/TeESC_0k1sI/AAAAAAAAAQw/lBfCXMc8OJI/s1600/award%2Bceremony%2B001.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IowcqmzDVuk/TeESC_0k1sI/AAAAAAAAAQw/lBfCXMc8OJI/s200/award%2Bceremony%2B001.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611786453381338818" border="0" /></a>This week was the awards ceremony<br />in school!<br />Each of my children received multiple<br />academic awards.<br />My middle child<br />received girl student of the year<br />and the leadership award for her grade!<br />My oldest received the highest GPA<br />in a class 2 grade levels above his,<br />My youngest received 2 highest reading awards..<br />All of them received honor roll awards<br />and the presidential academic achievement award...<br />In addition to highest GPA in certain subjects!<br /><br />I was very proud!<br /><br />However,<br />my pride runs deeper<br />than the academics!<br />My pride is in the depth<br />of the resilience!<br /><br />5 years ago,<br />their worlds FELL apart!<br />Their father and I begun<br />the process<br />of falling apart ourselves!<br />All they knew changed!<br /><br />Then I remarried..<br />and they experienced<br />the volatility of a marriage gone wrong!<br /><br />In all this they also<br />attended school<br />for the first time,<br />having been home schooled.<br />They came home for a year<br />when I remarried..<br />but the environment<br />was not one of peace...<br />and I put the girls back in school!<br /><br />And than I left!<br />and one Friday they were in school..<br />and Monday in a different one.<br />Once again..<br />the bottom fell out of their world.<br />That was just 2 1/2 years ago!<br />My then 7th grader started school<br />for the first time!<br />It was hard for him...<br />kids are cruel.<br />But they did well<br />despite it all!!!<br /><br />And than<br />they got to move to a private<br />christian school.<br />Another move!<br />a good one..<br />but still, moving again!<br />That was one year ago!<br />That is where they are now!<br />and they are thriving!<br /><br />And I look at all the change!<br />All they have faced..<br />and all I can do<br />is feel pride!!<br />I feel pride that they<br />can face a new day<br />and know that they are stronger<br />than the hurt!<br />I feel pride<br />that they can make friends<br />and flourish<br />rather than dwell on what was!<br /><br />I still hurt for their hurts!<br />The friends they have left<br />behind..<br />the homes they have said<br />good bye too..<br />the families they hoped for<br />that never came to be...<br /><br />But, I know<br />that they are healing!<br />and I watch them<br />give their all..<br />and my pride<br />flows through my heart<br />and into the core<br />of my soul..<br />the place my love for my children<br />resides!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6687876914502676340?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-42188293194508785062011-05-25T10:09:00.001-07:002011-05-25T10:20:35.928-07:00parenting is HARD work!<br /><br />Married..<br />single..<br />or in between!<br /><br />I have been surprised<br />at the amount<br />of energy it takes to<br />parent<br />a teenager<br />and 2 preteens.<br /><br />I have always been<br />a hands on mom..<br />I have always been with my kids..<br />so, why would it NOW seem hard?<br /><br />Certainly<br />some part of it..<br />is that on my 'shift'<br />with the kids,<br />I am in alone.<br />no different than when<br />my ex has them..<br />he is the sole parent<br />in the home.<br />That takes a tole.<br /><br />But, bigger<br />is just the age and the stage!<br /><br />And even bigger than that,<br />is the fact<br />that my middle schooler<br />still needs me to help<br />keep him on track!<br />He is a bright student and in honors<br />classes...<br />he is also a 14 year old boy<br />who would forget to shower<br />if not reminded.<br />My girls..<br />are still at ages<br />that they need me checking<br />their homework,<br />testing them on their spelling,<br />and helping with reports!!<br />This alone..<br />times 3<br />is time consuming!!<br />Add in the desire<br />to just enjoy my kids..<br />a full time job..<br />college ..<br />and a house to maintain;<br />and I can see quite clearly<br />why it feels hard in moments!!<br /><br />I also watch them grow<br />and know it shall pass...<br />and way too quickly!!!!<br /><br />So, its tough at times!<br />But, I will miss this stage<br />of parenting one day!<br /><br />So for now<br />I enjoy it in many moments..<br />I cry in some moments...<br />and I grit my teeth in rare moments...<br />knowing I can do this!<br />and I would not want to do<br />anything else....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4218829319450878506?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-12951762153319938452011-05-17T19:03:00.000-07:002011-05-17T19:08:58.732-07:00I have been blogging so sporadically...<br />I guess that is probably<br />because life<br />is chugging along..<br /><br />nothing new<br />or old...<br /><br />I am still working<br />and have a contract for next year!<br />good news.<br /><br />I am still in college..<br />and the first stepping stone is about 1 year<br />away...<br /><br />The kids are doing really well..<br />good grades,<br />behavior,<br />adjustment....<br />They like their school<br />and have scholarships<br />for next year!<br />all good...<br /><br />My home is in order...<br />not sure how that happens-<br />its just seems I am<br />a better wife<br />divorced!<br />ha!<br /><br />My pets are happy and healthy!<br /><br />Life is not perfect..<br />the car has an oil leak..<br />the childrens medical benefits<br />are messed up..<br />my kids have sibling squabbles..<br />I am busy,<br />and sometimes I run on empty!<br /><br />Life is NOT perfect,<br />but life is good..<br />and full<br />and purpose driven.<br /><br />At this moment<br />I could not ask for more!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1295176215331993845?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-7148520916301724302011-05-16T06:53:00.001-07:002011-05-16T06:56:18.050-07:00Recently comments disappeared<br />off of my post!<br />As far as I know<br />you cannot delete a comment once<br />it is published..<br />but these, including one from me...<br />just went!<br />and when I went through my email<br />and tried to republish them<br />it said the comments<br />did not exist...<br />any one know what happened?<br />will they just randomly reappear?<br />very odd...<br />Would not be so bad if they all disagreed with me..<br />ha ha..<br />but most were positive<br />and yet all are gone..!!<br />maybe change my password?<br />or blogger!<br />or me??<br />thank you!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-714852091630172430?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-16087459918814582882011-05-10T11:22:00.001-07:002011-05-10T11:31:23.127-07:00I was asked recently<br />why my blog is called what its called..<br />what do I mean<br />by 'complicated world'?..<br />To be honest I think that<br />speaks for itself..<br />but maybe not!<br />So here it goes:<br /><br />I am a mother!<br />I have 3 children.<br />one is a teenager<br />and 2 are preteen girls..<br />we all share a bathroom :-)..<br />complicated?<br />a tad!<br /><br />I am a single mother!<br />I want to set a good example<br />for my kids,<br />I want to keep them safe!<br />I want to avoid exposing<br />them to hurt!<br />complicated?<br />yup!<br /><br />I am a woman!<br />I work full time!<br />I go to college half time!<br />I care for my home..<br />and kids..<br />and pets..!<br />I juggles several full time<br />responsibilities,<br />and try to do it with grace!<br />complicated?<br />you betcha!<br /><br />I am a single woman.<br />I might want to date one day!<br />I might even want to spend<br />my life with someone.<br />I do not know what that looks like,<br />I have no idea<br />where to start!<br />I am content alone!<br />I might one day like company!<br />I enjoy my life!<br />I might, at some point, want to share it!<br />Complicated?<br />beyond description!<br /><br />I find life full<br />and happy...<br />I am content and at peace!<br />I am also very busy,<br />and have many roles to fill.<br />I am helping to raise and mold<br />3 people..<br />I am working to better my education..<br />and I am striving to be the best<br />preschool teacher possible.<br />Trying to be a good person,<br />a stronger woman,<br />a better mom,<br />and an outstanding employee...<br />complicated??<br />yes, in moments!!<br />worth it??<br />always!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1608745991881458288?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-73099092946522384572011-05-09T11:07:00.001-07:002011-05-09T11:15:51.145-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0c40WQKnJig/TcgtooFFMdI/AAAAAAAAAQo/-SmxspFGIxw/s1600/228404_1819481884424_1161461571_31702708_4234600_n.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0c40WQKnJig/TcgtooFFMdI/AAAAAAAAAQo/-SmxspFGIxw/s200/228404_1819481884424_1161461571_31702708_4234600_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604779912239329746" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ErrSXd8QpaA/Tcgtf75drnI/AAAAAAAAAQg/P2c0NCpi3N8/s1600/226529_1819479684369_1161461571_31702702_7127141_n.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ErrSXd8QpaA/Tcgtf75drnI/AAAAAAAAAQg/P2c0NCpi3N8/s200/226529_1819479684369_1161461571_31702702_7127141_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604779762940489330" border="0" /></a><br />Mothers day<br />is another holiday..<br />that can leave a single mom..<br />feeling,<br />well..<br />single!<br /><br />however,<br />I have learned<br />over the last several years..<br />to plan my day<br />and spend it my way!<br /><br />I shared the weekend<br />with my son,<br />who turned 14 on Saturday!<br />2 great reasons<br />to go away for the weekend.<br /><br />My ex took the kids shopping<br />with a list from me..:)<br />(my money, my choices..lol)<br />and I took my son<br />to a store to pick out a Pandora charm<br />to add to my bracelet!<br />again- I paid, he picked;<br />and I saw his choice Sunday morning!<br /><br />I took us to breakfast..<br />I got take out for dinner..<br />and admittedly<br />I cleaned a lot in the middle.<br />(home from a trip = laundry)<br />but, the weekend was spent with my kids..<br />and I did not feel sad,<br />or at a loss...<br />I did not wish someone<br />was there<br />to pamper me..<br />instead<br />I enjoyed what I have,<br />and what I can provide!<br />I enjoyed my kids..<br />even in the moments<br />when mopping floors<br />made me cranky!<br /><br />Its just a day..<br />unless YOU make it something special..<br />and so I did..!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7309909294652238457?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-57936030690491034762011-05-06T17:37:00.000-07:002011-05-06T17:43:28.946-07:00What a week...<br />first,<br />I faced a slice of my past..<br />in a way<br />that while not fun,<br />left me sure<br />that the present<br />is better<br />because of letting go<br />of what was..<br />or was not!<br /><br />Then,<br />I finished my second semester<br />back at college,<br />and earned my second A and first B..<br />grades good enough,<br />to get me off of an<br />'academic probation'<br />that was was in place<br />from 20 years ago!<br />I start my summer session<br />'in good standing'<br />next week..<br /><br />Now,<br />I am away with my kids..<br />on a mini trip<br />that has been many months<br />in the making..<br />a hotel for a few nights<br />and Disney tomorrow,<br />to celebrate<br />my sons 14th birthday!<br />Life happens fast-<br />and I love the times<br />that I can slow it down<br />long enough<br />to watch it happen...<br />that is what this weekend<br />is all about!<br /><br />Lots of good..<br />one week...<br />a lifetime of learning!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5793603069049103476?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-23073038160129957622011-04-28T18:07:00.001-07:002011-04-28T18:13:14.432-07:00We all have felt it<br />...that wall<br />that comes out of nowhere.<br /><br />Life seems easy..ish.<br />Everything seems under control-<br />and then<br />a wall...<br />right when you think<br />you are moving forward.<br />you are stopped dead<br />in your tracks.<br /><br />A wall of exhaustion<br />that just renders you useless....<br /><br />I hit that wall tonight!<br />It came out of the blue..<br />as busy as my life<br />is..<br />I would not say<br />excessive tiredness is an issue..<br />in fact I manage quite well.<br /><br />I just finished my second semester<br />back in college..<br />and I think that might<br />have been what did it...<br />3 finals in 7 days..<br />finished the last one tonight<br />and CRASH!<br />My system shut down!<br /><br />So, I have my feet up.<br />My TV on..<br />my kids long settled...<br />and I shall do nothing<br />for a few hours:<br />go to bed early,<br />maybe read a book.<br /><br />and then tomorrow-<br />back to life again.<br />refreshed I hope..<br />ready to start over!<br />or at least climb over the wall...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2307303816012995762?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-57444187869030797962011-04-27T11:26:00.000-07:002011-04-27T19:37:15.775-07:00I read something recently..<br />it made me think-<br />can one person save another?<br />is being rescued<br />every woman's dream?<br />or even a need?<br /><br />The truth?<br />no matter the situation...<br />unless a woman<br />(or man)<br />saves themselves..<br />all they tend to do,<br />is find themselves<br />right back where they started!<br /><br />The greatest feeling EVER..<br />is knowing that I am OK!<br />I overcame the hurt-<br />I faced the past-<br />I found a way to thrive in my circumstances,<br />and I did this;<br />alone!<br /><br />I had support!<br />I had friends and family!<br />I had help<br />and encouragement..<br />I had my faith! (huge!)<br />but, I learned<br />that no-one can save another..<br />thats a hero complex<br />just waiting to happen.<br /><br />We can support<br />and be there...<br />We can be a safe place to fall..<br />but strength<br />comes NOT in being saved..<br />but instead walking<br />within ones own strength<br />WITHOUT a net!<br /><br />I am so thankful<br />to look up at the high wire<br />and know<br />that just a few years ago..<br />I walked across it..<br />carefully;<br />afraid to look down.<br />Now..<br />I look up<br />and say;<br />"I did it!"<br />and I know<br />I can do it again...<br /><br />that is strength:<br />being one's own hero;<br />knowing one's strength comes<br />from within..<br />and in my case,<br />from the one that lives within!<br /><br />Being saved-<br />not by a person<br />or an ideal of that person,<br />but instead by the reality<br />that is...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5744418786903079796?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-86818395957300458602011-04-26T11:29:00.000-07:002011-04-26T11:34:17.562-07:00I always wonder-<br />how I will know?<br />how will I know<br />that I am healthy enough<br />to make better choices?<br /><br />how will I know-<br />I have learned the lessons...?<br /><br />the other night I blogged<br />that I was in a vulnerable place-<br />that same night<br />I got an email,<br />an online site..<br />a good looking, nice guy!<br />(according to him:)!)<br />but, fresh out a divorce!<br />I was vulnerable..<br />wondering,<br />will I ever meet anyone?<br />and yet..<br />I replied..<br />I let him know<br />I was interested ..<br />but not for 6 months to a year...<br />I gave him my email..<br />told him good luck,<br />and let him know he could<br />contact me down the road!<br /><br />No matter how 'alone'<br />I might have felt,<br />I knew I was not willing<br />to take that risk!<br /><br />I think its safe to say,<br />some lessons HAVE been learned..<br />and progress has been made!<br />And that is a start...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8681839595730045860?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-17905511096504832242011-04-22T20:29:00.000-07:002011-04-22T20:35:26.669-07:0040 days out of 41...<br />I am happy-<br />content-<br /><br />but, that 1 day...<br />I feel-<br />lonely...<br />or maybe just alone.<br /><br />I am not sure what<br />makes the difference,<br />why..<br />most of the time<br />I love my life,<br />and yet, sometimes<br />I feel the burden<br />of no-one to share it with!<br /><br />However,<br />in those moments...<br />I have to work<br />to over come<br />self destructive impulses.<br />For me;<br />that would be calling an ex-<br />or eating ice cream...<br />and normally results<br />in a free trial on a dating<br />website.<br />I guess it could be worse.<br /><br />I know the feeling<br />will pass..<br />I know that today<br />I feel alone,<br />and a little sad.<br />I know that tomorrow-<br />I have fun plans ALONE<br />and I will completely<br />enjoy my day-<br />the moment having passed.<br /><br />So, for this moment-<br />I shall go surf<br />online dating sites..<br />and maybe, just maybe...<br />eat some butter pecan!<br />and take tomorrow,<br />as it comes!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1790551109650483224?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-87078391725084530042011-04-18T18:47:00.000-07:002011-04-18T18:57:56.368-07:00It seems that I am<br />a better wife...<br />without a husband!<br />How is that?<br /><br />Is it maturity?<br />is it experience?<br /><br />not sure..<br />but what I know<br />is that my home is cleaner,<br />my dishes normally done-<br />my chores caught up more then not!<br />my life is , mostly,in order.<br />I have more on my plate<br />then ever..<br />yet managing better then before!<br /><br />I guess one aspect;<br />is no 'man' to also care for!<br />No one to hurry to spend time with-<br />No additional person to cook for.<br /><br />on the other hand-<br />There is no-one else to help<br />manage the load.<br />There is no-one else to<br />take care of the yard,<br />or car...<br />or to help with the laundry,<br />cleaning..<br />or kids.<br /><br />So, I think the two<br />at the very least-<br />neutralize each other!<br /><br />So whatever the reason...<br />it is what it is...<br />life threw me some pretty<br />big curves,<br />and by finding my way<br />around the corners..<br />I have learned<br />that I am more capable<br />then I gave myself credit for.<br /><br />Maybe that's what it is..<br />I expect more from my self..<br />or maybe this will all go out the window<br />if one day I meet someone,<br />and need more hours in the day!:)<br />for now..<br />I shall enjoy<br />the peace<br />of a clean and tidy, for the most part, ;-)<br />house!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8707839172508453004?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-20573698581675912622011-04-17T18:58:00.000-07:002011-04-17T19:14:15.148-07:00These past 2 1/2 years...<br />and the 2 years before that..<br />have been filled with lessons.<br /><br />At the heart of it all,<br />has been learning<br />who I am..<br />and understanding what<br />I really want out of my<br />life!<br /><br />It has also been a lesson<br />about the past..<br />learning from it,<br />accepting it-<br />reconciling it..<br />and letting it go.<br /><br />The two lessons<br />go hand in hand-<br /><br />Now, that I understand<br />who I am-<br />I am less likely<br />to repeat the past!<br /><br />I look at the two main<br />relationships I had,<br />and I know that at the core<br />were people<br />who hoped<br />that the differences would not matter-<br />that love would over come.<br />and in the end..<br />it was not enough...<br />the foundation was weak-<br /><br />now..<br />I know that FAITH<br />is vital.<br />I understand<br />that family comes first-<br />my kids need their mother<br />to be their advocate!<br />anyone who comes into my life-<br />will accept them and that...<br />and I will be flexible without<br />compromising<br />who I am!<br />I want simple-<br />I want what I have already!<br /><br />As I sat in my back yard today-<br />enjoying the sounds of nature,<br />I knew...<br />that this is what I need!<br />And I have it...<br /><br />anyone I meet,<br />will want it too..<br />he will understand<br />the simple joys<br />of backyard chickens,<br />and trees...<br />he will accept<br />that kids need to play<br />with frogs<br />and build forts with sticks..<br />he will enjoy<br />that who I am<br />needs to nurture and care<br />for creatures...<br />its just a part of what<br />makes me tick...<br /><br />and if that man never comes..<br />I still know what I want..<br />what I desire..<br />I have plans<br />for a little land..<br />and a little home...<br />I have dreams<br />of barns, and goats,<br />and stray cats...<br /><br />I want to look at the stars,<br />and listen to the crickets chirp.<br />I want to smell the rain..<br />and hear the wind rustle the leaves<br />in the trees...<br />I want to live<br />my life connected<br />to nature..<br />and I want to dream<br />in earth tones...<br /><br />I get me...<br />I accept me...<br />and that is enough...<br />no matter who comes along..<br />or does not!<br />that is enough!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-2057369858167591262?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-71257427814021339082011-04-13T11:13:00.000-07:002011-04-13T11:23:42.244-07:00I will admit..<br />While I do not live in my past-<br />I have at moments wondered;<br />what if??<br /><br />What if,<br />I was who I am now- then!?<br />What if, so was he!?<br /><br />What if,<br />I had held tighter,<br />or let go sooner,<br />or waited longer,<br />or decided faster,<br />or understood more,<br />or talked less,<br />or ............<br /><br />It was not until LAST night<br />that I finally<br />got it!!<br />It would not have<br />mattered!<br /><br />I believe in forever,<br />and I believe in commitment-<br />and I believe you fight through the hard<br />parts...<br /><br />BUT I also believe in love..<br />love that is bigger then a feeling...<br />or a choice-<br />I believe in LOVE that fills your<br />every cell,<br />and invades your every pore!<br />I have felt that..<br />and what I know,<br />is that sometimes...<br />love is JUST not felt<br />by both!<br />NOT that kind of love-<br />and sometimes,<br />two people just do not work!<br />and sometimes,<br />you can move mountains<br />and the results would be the same!<br /><br />I do not believe in fate..<br />but I do believe<br />that some people fit together-<br />and some do not!<br />and if you do not..<br />and you both do not want to<br />fight<br />DESPITE that,<br />the what if's are irrelevant!<br /><br />It was just not for US...<br />the what ifs<br />are what 'nows'?<br />and the healing from the past is<br />complete...<br />because<br />I understand!!<br />I get it...<br />and I am free<br />from looking for fault,<br />and I am free from wondering why-<br />I am free from any forms<br />of whats? and ifs?<br /><br />I am free to one day-<br />love that way...<br />again!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-7125742781402133908?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-59721222613377836572011-04-12T19:38:00.000-07:002011-04-12T19:45:14.298-07:00one of the saddest..<br />or ironic-<br />facts about life...<br />is that sometimes<br />we learn who we are,<br />to late <br />for it to make a difference...<br />and yet,<br />what we learn<br />still changes<br />our forever!<br /><br />Its easy to look<br />back<br />and wish..<br />and wonder..<br />its easy to think-<br />that maybe,<br />just maybe....<br /><br />But, if we were back<br />where we once belonged,<br />we might still be<br />who we were then-<br />and we would never know<br />what we know now.<br />we would never know<br />who we could become.<br /><br />The cycle of life..<br />heart break and loss<br />that makes us stronger,<br />and sometimes<br />better..<br />but often..<br />too late!<br />and yet,<br />maybe..<br />just in time!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-5972122261337783657?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-5640225398583710222011-04-10T19:07:00.000-07:002011-04-10T19:21:07.833-07:00I find it amazing...<br />even though I understand!<br /><br />How many-<br />will make decisions<br />that will follow them always,<br />to avoid<br />learning to be OK<br />with just themselves!<br /><br />I used to feel that<br />way too..<br />I used to dread being alone,<br />I used to fear that state..<br />deeply!<br />I no longer regret<br />choices I made as a result-<br />but, I do understand<br />how easy it is<br />to choose someone<br />over no-one.<br /><br />and yet....<br />now..<br />Its hard to imagine!<br /><br />This weekend..<br />I put up a fence in the back yard..<br />I took my children to<br />the fair...<br />I handled my finances,<br />housework,<br />yard work..<br />I took my children to church..<br />I bought them dinner,<br />I spent time with them;<br />and time with me..<br />and I did this all..<br />alone!<br /><br />Not a state to fear...<br />a state to own<br />and overcome..<br />a state to thrive within..<br />and a state that brings you<br />to understand,<br />you will never be the same-<br />because you will never<br />again fear..<br />the very state<br />you are now in!!~<br /><br />soul healthy=<br />priceless!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-564022539858371022?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-81427377140345502462011-04-08T19:23:00.000-07:002011-04-08T19:32:14.115-07:00One of the hardest aspects<br />of ending<br />a relationship,<br />is letting go!<br /><br />And even when we<br />have let go..<br />there is the process<br />of finding<br />peace in the end.<br />and the tomorrow..<br />and most of all,<br />the yesterday!<br /><br />I am there..<br />this has been the longest<br />part of the journey.<br />I moved on,<br />I let go..<br />but I still struggled<br />with the peace<br />in the past!<br /><br />I have found it...<br />in each place I have been..<br />relationships that lasted<br />ages..<br />and those that lasted months..<br />I have come to face<br />and acknowledge what was,<br />and understand<br />that each moment<br />is part of me today!<br /><br />The places in my soul<br />that hurt,<br />are no longer angry!<br />The memories<br />that left me frustrated<br />at my bad judgment-<br />now leave me<br />overwhelmed at how<br />far I have come.<br />The situations<br />that caused me to doubt<br />myself,<br />now cause me to feel<br />confident in today.<br />and the heartaches<br />that made me wonder..<br />how? and why?<br />are now answered<br />with 'because of NOW'..<br />because of who I now can be!<br /><br />I no longer need closure,<br />I no longer need validation,<br />I no longer need to reconcile<br />what was,<br />I have truly<br />forgiven, let go , moved on...<br />and reconciled the past!~<br /><br />huge! REALLY!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8142737714034550246?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-46059213421007930432011-04-02T16:43:00.000-07:002011-04-02T16:48:28.638-07:00Life is strange..<br />the way,<br />what you think might be;<br />can only really<br />be proved<br />when it happens..<br /><br />you think someone<br />is shady..<br />but how do you know<br />until they are,<br />you think someone<br />is willing to do anything<br />to win,<br />no matter who gets hurt..<br />but you will not find out until;<br />someone<br />gets<br />hurt...<br />you think someone<br />will be swayed<br />by the attention;<br />but until<br />they stray-<br />you shall not know.<br /><br />you think...<br /><br />so you make choices<br />to protect yourself,<br />but you cannot<br />know<br />if you were right,<br />until-<br />you realize:<br />YUP,<br />your gut feeling?<br />right on the money!<br />LOVE<br />that!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4605921342100793043?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-43020767578319173192011-03-29T19:17:00.000-07:002011-03-29T19:28:39.712-07:00I think in life,<br />we strive for contentment!<br />we want peace..<br />we long for wholeness!<br /><br />we seek,<br />we look,<br />we travel,<br />we walk,<br />we long for..<br />and we crave.<br /><br />But, maybe<br />we skip a step..<br />maybe...<br />before the contentment;<br />comes the acceptance!<br /><br />What makes me content<br />is accepting<br />that where I am..<br />is where I am meant to be!<br /><br />Maybe not yesterday...<br />maybe not tomorrow,<br />but today-<br />I am in the moment,<br />in which I belong!<br /><br />Some of the biggest mistakes<br />I have made..<br />have been at times<br />in my life<br />that I sought to RIGHT<br />my wrong circumstances..<br />when I was SURE<br />that where I was,<br />could NOT be enough.<br /><br />Some how...<br />some time..<br />in some moment-<br />I came to accept...<br />Where I am.<br />Who I am.<br />What my current place<br />in life is.<br />I accept the changes!<br />I accept the challenges!<br />I accept the NOW..<br />I accept!<br />and within the acceptance,<br />I found my peace<br />and my contenment!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4302076757831917319?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-44506223956412230662011-03-27T12:18:00.000-07:002011-03-27T12:29:43.798-07:00Memories are an amazing thing..<br />sometimes they make us<br />smile..<br />sometimes they make us<br />cry...<br />and sometimes they just show us<br />how far we have come.<br /><br />Leaving the YMCA after Zumba<br />this past Saturday...<br />I looked out at the soccer fields.<br />I had a 'moment'...<br />My heart skipped a beat.<br />Unlike many moons ago-<br />it did not stop beating all together-<br />instead,<br />it resumed its rhythm<br />and I began to think...<br /><br />Over four years ago,<br />my son played soccer for the first time<br />and started when<br />my ex and I were married,<br />and by the time his season ended..<br />we were also done.<br /><br />He played on those soccer fields..<br />the ones I was looking at!<br /><br />The thing I remember the MOST<br />about that time,<br />is not the sadness..<br />that has passed.<br />nor the anger or hurt;<br />instead I remember<br />what it was like<br />to first navigate the waters<br />of co-parenting...<br />I remember being at games with<br />my ex..<br />no longer married-<br />still sitting together!<br />I remember sharing a picnic blanket<br />as we watched the game-<br />and you know what stands out??<br />I remember KNOWING what<br />he would want to drink-<br />I remember KNOWING what<br />he would like for a snack..<br />I remember KNOWING...<br />just knowing~<br /><br />There was a time<br />I knew his food preferences<br />better then my own..<br />NOW?<br />I would have to ask..<br />and NOW we could share a blanket-<br />and it would not be a minefield.<br />it is no longer raw..<br />it does not hurt like it once did!<br /><br />And so as I remembered<br />that long ago soccer season,<br />and all the changes that it brought-<br />I was also able to see<br />that the foundation laid then,<br />is still in place today...<br />and the process begun<br />has been worth the fight...<br />and above all,<br />the woman who sat in pain<br />on that shared picnic blanket<br />several years ago..<br />now sits in strength and contentment!<br /><br />Memories<br />are as much about the present<br />as they are about the past!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-4450622395641223066?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-69485389576762469192011-03-25T15:39:00.000-07:002011-03-25T15:43:56.265-07:00So I had a blind date...<br />not the first,<br />nor the last...<br />but I backed out!<br />Not sure why..<br />dates are few and far between...<br />sometimes by choice,<br />sometimes by circumstance.<br />I know some nice men..<br />and I hang out with a few!<br />I have had a few (first) dates..<br />but, still<br />all this time later...<br />it seems like work!<br />why is that?<br />I guess,<br />when I am asked out<br />by someone<br />who meeting<br />for the first date;<br />does not feel<br />like work..<br />I shall consider it!<br />Until then,<br />I shall be content<br />without.<br />and within...<br />cause that's where it counts!!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6948538957676246919?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-4569382329574953482011-03-24T18:49:00.000-07:002011-03-24T19:26:02.334-07:00I sometimes wonder;<br />about who I am<br />and what I stand for...<br /><br />How did I get to where I am?<br />and am I comfortable<br />now that I am here?<br /><br />What if I never find<br />the other half<br />of me?<br /><br />The thing is..<br />I have come to GET me...<br />even if no one else does.<br /><br />I am incredibly put together..<br />except when I am not!<br />I am disorganized....<br />when I am not being organized!<br />I work hard,<br />but I play hard too...<br />I love deeply...<br />and I live happily alone.<br /><br />I am a woman...<br />many facets<br />of one person.<br />a prism...<br />I look different based<br />on the direction<br />you see me from...<br /><br />You might find me cleaning,<br />or ignoring the house work..<br />I might be studying...<br />or pretending<br />that I do not have homework...<br />You might find me at a protest<br />or at the beach.<br /><br />No matter<br />how I might be<br />in the moment...<br />I am real<br />and I am true<br />and I am content<br />and I am ME...<br /><br />My kind of me...<br />not perfect..<br />lots to learn,<br />room to grow..<br /><br />I am a mom..<br />I must be mature..<br />I put my kids first...<br />and I always will.<br /><br />But, I dream of changing the world..<br />joining activists<br />in a life altering cause,<br />or going to Africa<br />to work with children...<br /><br />I love children-<br />I love animals-<br />I love those who need my voice-<br />I love my family-<br />I honor my parents-<br />and I work hard to forgive<br />and show grace to<br />those who hurt me...<br /><br />I am OK with who I am..<br />I don't kill spiders,<br />I want chickens...<br />and there is normally<br />a homeless cat in the front yard.<br /><br />I get lost a lot...<br />and I forget details..<br />like ever seeing a certain movie...<br />or how the book I have read several times;<br />ends!-<br /><br />I might drive you crazy,<br />but I will also make you laugh..<br />and if ever<br />you get to know me<br />and steal a piece of my heart-<br />I will love you like crazy...<br />and if you happen to be a cat,<br />you will always find<br />a meal..:)<br /><br />Not sure<br />If I am 'marketable'...<br />but I am real..<br />quirky..<br />but real.<br />and its enough..<br />at my age<br />and stage in life..<br />its enough!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-456938232957495348?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-33609014057963153322011-03-23T19:52:00.000-07:002011-03-23T20:00:11.195-07:00There are moments..<br /><br />those moments<br />that I know<br />that one day<br />I will enjoy<br />knowing someone else...<br /><br />moments of missing<br />having that one to call..<br />or be called by...<br /><br />moments..<br />when I look<br />forward to what shall be.<br /><br />But,<br /><br />in this moment-<br />I love the freedom,<br />I like how comfortable<br />in my own skin<br />I have become.<br />I enjoy...<br />running my errands-<br />and taking my kids off<br />for the day..<br />and going to the gym..<br />and doing all the things<br />that my life is full off...<br />and doing them alone!<br /><br />Not so much by choice...<br />but very much<br />OK...<br />choosing<br />to embrace the moment<br />I am in....<br />choosing<br />to LoVe<br />where I am...<br />who I am...<br />and how I am<br />living my life.<br /><br />Choosing NOW<br />rather then waiting on<br />tomorrow.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-3360901405796315332?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-16079113873659596092011-03-18T05:35:00.000-07:002011-03-18T12:15:53.606-07:00I have a love<br />hate<br />relationship..<br />with Face book!<br /><br />I love the contact<br />with friends<br />I have not seen<br />in years..<br />I love the fact<br />that I know how the<br />friends that I do see<br />more often,<br />are doing...<br />even when we are not<br />in touch.<br />Its a great tool<br />to get to know<br />new people..<br />and its just plain<br />fun!<br /><br />but,<br />then there are the complications..<br />family 'tiffs'<br />arising purely<br />from snarky comments...<br />the blurred line<br />between private and public..<br />and the whole<br />dating thing!!!<br /><br />I have been asked<br />out on FB..<br />I have casually<br />dated<br />friends on FB...<br />I have friended<br />a few men..<br />in the process<br />of getting to know<br />each other better....<br /><br />But, I have some boundaries!<br />I do not friend my ex!<br />He is my friend is real time!<br />But, His life is his..<br />as it should be..<br />My life is mine.<br />I do not friend men<br />that I have dated<br />on more then a casual level...<br />or, more specifically,<br />I un-friend them!:-)<br />Its really just my thing-<br />not right or wrong for everyone!<br /><br />One of the biggest reasons<br />for my choice,<br />is the respect<br />of relationships to come!<br />If I am dating someone<br />I would not like to see<br />any of his ex's<br />all over his FB page!<br /><br />And so,<br />to me..<br />being healthy and being whole<br />means looking beyond this<br />moment...<br />and not loosing sight<br />of the big picture;<br />and the 'one'<br />that may be still to come!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-1607911387365959609?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-88567488407085199122011-03-14T11:27:00.000-07:002011-03-14T11:37:58.377-07:00Life has been nuts.<br /><br />some bizarre...<br />a need to leave my home<br />for a small space of time.<br />and lots of activity;<br />including police and firefighters..<br />(but all was well!)<br /><br />some busy....<br />a realization<br />that my school spring break<br />was not actually<br />as much time<br />off as expected..<br />and all work<br />was still due..<br />OOPS...<br /><br />some productive....<br />kids rooms LOOK great!<br />house is in order,<br />spring cleaning done...<br />now just gardening<br />to do..<br /><br />some eye opening...<br />a realization<br />that sometimes<br />we move on<br />even when there<br />is nothing<br />to move on to..<br />the healthier we are<br />the less<br />reason we need<br />to leave behind..<br />anything<br />that does not make<br />us feel valued<br />or of worth...<br /><br />and some just plain fun...<br />zumba..<br />time with friends...<br />time with family...<br />and great talks<br />with my kids.<br /><br />It was just a week....<br />but, what a week.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-8856748840708519912?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-765776106923472172011-03-08T10:42:00.000-08:002011-03-08T11:05:33.916-08:00I do not know<br />what I want.<br />I understand that.<br />Its hard to want<br />what you never knew,<br />you did not have-<br />Its hard to define<br />what you have never known.<br /><br />and so..<br />as I set out<br />on this journey..<br />I am not sure<br />if I am looking for a prince..<br />or a companion..<br />a friend..<br />or someone who<br />makes my heart quicken..<br />or some combination<br />of them all!<br /><br />Do I want the friendship<br />that becomes more?<br />Do I want a movie worthy<br />love story?<br />Do I even believe<br />in fairy tale endings?<br />I do NOT know!<br /><br />But, I am getting closer..<br />defining slowly<br />what I do not want.<br />and learning a little<br />more of what I do!<br /><br />I know:<br />I do not want to<br />be pushed,<br />pressured,<br />or smothered!<br />But, nor do I want to<br />be brushed aside,<br />ignored,<br />tolerated....<br /><br />What does that look like?<br />I am not sure!<br /><br />I am not looking to get married...<br />any time soon.<br />I am not looking to blend<br />a family<br />that is working quite well...<br />not quickly..!!<br /><br />But, I am hoping<br />at some point..<br />to move forward!<br /><br />A gradual process<br />One that is slow moving<br />but, not still..<br /><br />I would like one day<br />to be in a relationship...<br />a relationship<br />that may or may not lead<br />to forever...<br />but in which<br />2 people are safe and secure<br />in the moment of life<br />that they share!<br /><br />And while getting to that point,<br />takes time....<br />I do not want to sacrifice<br />the moments...<br />if someone<br />is not looking for the same thing..<br /><br />slow..<br />casual...<br />but<br />not stagnant...<br /><br />cautious...<br />thorough..<br />but<br />purposeful...<br /><br />I want to know<br />I am thought of..<br />I want to be a part<br />of something<br />bigger then I am..<br />I expect to feel<br />that time together<br />is anticipated...<br /><br />no matter the stage,<br />I do not want to guess<br />at whether I am in it alone...<br /><br />I want to enjoy the<br />journey...<br />knowing:<br />we are -for the moment- moving<br />in the same direction.<br /><br />Its a start...<br />not yet a definition<br />of forever,<br />but it is no longer<br />a completely<br />blank canvas ...<br /><br />moving forward...<br />inches at a time!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-76577610692347217?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014880043626797980.post-68484796553053451512011-03-07T10:19:00.000-08:002011-03-07T11:27:41.436-08:00One year ago...<br /><h2 class="date-header"><span>Sunday, March 7, 2010</span></h2> <a name="8595759691688505294"></a> <h3 class="post-title entry-title"> <a href="http://singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com/2010/03/wellduh.html">well...DUH!!!</a> </h3> <div class="post-header"> </div> I have been worried...<br />worried that my desire to be alone,<br />speaks to something deeper.<br /><br />On the weekends I do not have my kids,<br />I attend their games and see my friends.<br />I go to church on Sunday<br />and hang out with my best friend and others,<br />but I make no effort apart from that!<br />I do not call anyone,<br />rarely do I set up plans to meet..<br />I look forward instead to my tofu Thai food,<br />and the movie I will rent,<br />and the one I will go see.<br />I enjoy my time alone!!!<br /><br />This is new for me..<br />until a few months ago<br />I kept my weekends busy<br />with friends and activity!<br />Now, not only am I alone for most of it..<br />I am quiet in my alone ness!<br />I do not run here and there..<br />I just AM!<br /><br />I have become more and more happy in my solitude,<br />and have wondered more and more, could I like it TOO much!?<br /><br />And then a friend came over to drop something off..<br />She has walked in my shoes.<br />so I shared my 'wonder'.<br />She pointed out something so TRUE!<br />I was married for 14 years,<br />my family was my LIFE!<br />I home schooled my kids,<br />they were ALWAYS with me.<br />I loved my husband tightly<br />and was always available to him.<br />Alone time was NOT a word in my vocabulary!<br />Then I moved in with my parents,<br />as wonderful as they were..<br />it was not my home..<br />it was a shared space for all of us.<br />and when I remarried<br />it was into a prison.<br />'nuff said.<br /><br />I was NEVER alone completely.<br /><br />And so now?<br />alone time feels sweet.<br />I can be selfish.<br />I can choose the movie<br />AND the snacks.<br />I can spend my time my way without guilt!<br />and so, where I am<br />seems just right for what I have been through.<br />And when and if the time comes<br />that someone else wants a say,<br />in the movie..<br />or those snacks:)..<br />I will be OK with that!<br />But, I think I will forever<br />be sure<br />that 'alone time' is a word<br />and action<br />that remains apart of my heart and life!<br /><br />............<br />and today...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">March 07th, 2011</span><br /><br />Alone..<br />is no longer a state I choose!<br />Alone..<br />is never a state I fear!<br />Alone...<br />is sometimes a state I welcome.<br /><br />I would rather be Alone,<br />then with some one who hurts me!<br />I would rather be Alone,<br />then with some one who uses me!<br />I would rather be Alone,<br />then with someone who does not see me;<br />chooses not to know me;<br />turns from accepting me!<br /><br />Being Alone,<br />is always better..<br />then being with someone<br />who makes you feel<br />less of who you are!<br /><br />In order to learn<br />you have to take chances..<br />and sometimes-<br />in order to heal,<br />you have to take<br />those chances back.<br /><br />I am learning<br />that I do not have to sit on the sidelines,<br />but nor to I have to play<br />the game..<br />I get to make the rules,<br />and I get to walk away<br />when my heart<br />is at risk<br />of being on the loosing<br />team!<br /><br />so...<br />I shall let others in..<br />but their invitation<br />is in effect,<br />only as long:<br />as their respect of me<br />and who I am<br />is in place....<br />because I am not bound-<br />by fear...<br /><br />of being ALONE!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/8014880043626797980-6848479655305345151?l=singlemominacomplicatedworld.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Debbie(single;complicated)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17680221201312100448noreply@blogger.com1