5 years ago today....

5 years ago today my children were in school.
they did not know it was their last day there.
they did not know they would not see those friends again.
they did not know..
nor did I!

5 years ago today my heart was broken.
I was feeling hopeless
I was feeling despair,
I was feeling trapped.
I did not know what I would do...
I fretted....

5 years ago today I knew I had made a terrible mistake.
I knew I should not be where I was
and never should have been there to begin with.
I knew it would not get better.
I knew it was getting worse.
I knew.......

5 years ago today I broke.
I had enough.
I reached my limit.
I decided I would not take it any more.
I fled. I ran.
I left my home, my phone, my hell..behind.
I escaped....

5 years ago today I faced the darkest weekend of my life.
I was lonely.
I was isolated.
I was scared.
I sheltered myself even from those who wanted to help.
I ran from the one I knew would hurt.
I hid....

5 years ago today I faced my dragon.
I stood up for myself.
I found strength within myself I did not know was there.
I shook like a leaf
but I never fell.
I overcame...

5 years ago today I began the process of rebuilding my life.
I learned to accept, let go, understand and start fresh.
I began to provide for myself and my family.
I began to stand on my own feet
and I grew stronger every day.
I healed.

5 years ago today I began to become who I am now..
I accepted my weaknesses
and learned from my lessons.
I learned to see my strengths
and began to value my abilities.
I can look back on my memories
and draw strength from my scars.
I thrived....


Today
I see a woman who was once broken
and yet is now whole.
I see my children thriving
and my life unfolding.
I see peace and joy and contentment.
I grew....


5 years ago...
made me who I am
Today!

my not -so- pretty chip...

Part of healing and growth
is self checks.
Lately I have noticed
a not so pretty chip..
on my shoulder!

here is the thing:
its tough being a single parent.
its tough going to bed alone every night.
its tough worrying about the bills alone.
it tough navigating teen moods without a partner.
its tough planning vacations without a spouse.
its tough being the one to investigate the noises at night.
its tough being the end all, be all on 'your' days.
its tough in more ways then I can list.
its tough.

Sometimes
I feel that few get that.
sometimes
I feel alienated from friends
whose lives look different.
sometimes
I feel isolated
from those who have someone to help.

I have a chip on my shoulder.

I carry my wounds at the surface.
I use my scars as a shield.
I have built a wall around me
because I feel that I have given all I have to give.

And yet what I am finally realizing
is that I don't have to be understood
to be loved and accepted.
I don't have to understand
to love and accept in return!

We each have our burdens.
Many carry crosses I would not bear the weight of.

My life is what it is!
I can compare
I can allow myself to look at those
with 'partners'
and distance myself because 'they don't know how hard it is'..
and I will cheat myself out of the many aspects of life
there are to live.

I did not know this chip lived there
I did not realize how close to the surface my hurt resides.
I did not understand how much my 'isolation' was holding me back.
until I did.

Starting now
I purpose to look beyond the surface
of those around me.
I set out to understand that they may not carry my hurts
but they carry their own.
I commit to accept that no one else has to know
how hard it is, I know.
I intend to look beyond circumstances
and see people for who they are,
and allow them to see me
as more then just a struggling single mom.

I am so much more.
My singleness..
My battle..
My wounds..
do not define me.

Its time to forgive those
who hurt me
by very virtue
of not wearing the same size shoe.
Its time to let go
of who I was
and embrace with open arms who I am...
single..
complicated..
empowered..
me!

lessons, love,life and living....

So much has happened
in my heart
these past 5 years,
yes. five!

seems huge..
seems long..
seems short..
IS significant.
one month from now,
I celebrate a milestone;
5 years since I ran.

I have learned so much.
I have learned that I can love,
and loose
and hurt
and cry,
I have learned
that I can survive
and work
and provide
and protect...

I have redefined
what love looks like..
I have come to a place
of knowing
that what I want
and what I need
might be different.
What I hope for
is someone who is my 'other half'...
no more. no less.

Life has taught me,
carried me..
sustained me..
and existed beside me.

And through it all..
I live.
I live with tears,
I live with laughter.
I live with grace..
and fears.
I live with strength
and sometimes weakness.

I strive for more,
accept what is;
I look to find the breath
within the moments.
I fail sometimes.
I start over.
I wish sometimes...
I dream sometimes..
I wonder sometimes..
but always I am.
Always I become.
Always I live.