How am I?? ..I wish I knew!

Its a loaded question...
to a loaded heart!

Sometimes I am happy!
Sometimes I am confused!
Sometimes I am strong!
Sometimes I am overwhelmed!
Sometimes I find life delightful!
Sometimes I want to run away!

And today;
I am all of these!

Trauma, hurt, brokeness, pain, grief...
it leaves you shattered.
The broken pieces of you
rejoin as one.
You are now whole..
but you are not!
and each of these pieces
has a heart of its own!
and each of these pieces
feel different things...

slowly, the shattered pieces merge..
and some connect as one!
The piece of your heart that was raw and broken
merges as one with the piece of your heart that holds hope.
Now you hope...but with less innocence.
The piece of your heart that was angry and bitter
merges with the piece of your heart that is strong and determined..
and you overcome....but with a heavier burden to carry then before..

and bit by bit..
your broken heart
merges with your soul..
and you begin to heal
but you are not the same...
and you are filled with emotions
and thoughts
and fears
that you never knew existed.

And beneath your smile
and beneath your strength
lies your humaness...

and sometimes somedays
its all you can do
to hear your heart
and listen to the cries of your broken pieces
and find the strength to let the person you were
and the world you used to see
shine through
in spite
of the world you now know to be!

the healing in sharing...

Each day bring new health
and new hurts
and new healing!

Today the healing came
in the form
of a friend.
She has been where I am!
And she came out of it stronger!
and while she is no longer there...
she is not rushing me out of it!

I am sometimes struck
that people see 'single'
as a temporary place of being...
a place that should be remedied and fixed!
and yet 'single' is exactly where I need to be!

I need to be single and healthy
before I can even consider
'coupled' and healthy!
In truth I have yet to experience either.

And until I know why
I was so accepting of the 'iffy'
in my 'coupled' days..
I cannot trust that I am healthy enough
to not repeat the past!

So today..
being with a heart sister
who has walked my path,
shared my journey,
taken a different path
but still believes I am exactly where I need to be.
was encouraging, healing, motivating...
a calgon bath for my heart!!

My step is lighter
and all I needed
was to talk soul to soul
with a woman who has worn
the very shoes
that are currently on my feet!

Glad we can all laugh...

My kids tonight had a group counseling meeting..
I had a support meeting at the same time.

When we all meet back up
we have so much to say!

Tonight they wanted to know would I marry again?
"Wow...well...hmm...ummm...
I don't know!
Can't say no, tho!"

My son says
"well, its ok if you do, I just would like to have a few words with him first."
"Well, of course guys!!" I say
They all then tell me what they would say,
how their mom should be treated
and what they will stand for,
and what they will not!
(very cute actually.)

So, I say,
" you guys do not need to fear. Mom has learnt alot,
and you guys will get to speak your mind too! you will have
power in this and a say."
I went on..
" when I come to you and say, I have met some one I like.."
My 9 year old says " when you say you've met 'the one?'"..
(hold on ..its coming...)
She then said (in a cutesy, sassy 9 yo voice) " although It would not be the first 'the one',
or the second 'the one',
it would be the third 'the one'..."
Ok..she had me... it was funny!
We all laughed!

Am I really getting ribbing from my 9 yo???
Yup...and it felt good!:)