the parts that stick.....

I wonder about letting go..
I feel that I have..
and yet I realize that its not complete..
I have let go of my hope of reconciliation..
in fact I have accepted this is better!
But, what I have not let go of yet,
is the lack of understanding as to why this is better??

When I imagine what a divorce does..
I see it this way!
When you marry
its like a blue sheet of paper being glued right on top
of a pink sheet of paper..
during your marriage the glue dries
and you are two sides of one sheet..
one side blue, one side pink,
Then you divorce,
you rip the sheets of paper apart,
but you cannot make a clean break.
The blue sheet has little pieces of pink paper remaining on it,.
the pink sheet has little blue bits of paper remaining on it...
eventually each sheet absorbs the foreign 'paper'
and you can no longer tell whats pink and whats blue..
but what you know is that neither sheet of paper will ever look like it did before...

and so, after 16 years together..
some of the pieces are still there.
and sometimes I wonder
at what it should have been!
NOT at what it was or what it is now..
but what was meant instead..

BUT, where that leads me
is not to the past..
but to the future..
is it possible
that what was meant to be is still out there?
that fairy tales exist?
or at the very least
a relationship of equals..
where love is paired with like..
where respect is paired with desire.
where commonalities are paired with differences.
where hurt is paired with grace.
where forever is a real possibility???......

the pieces still left remind me of what was not..
and what maybe one day shall be!

when will I not find it surprising??

three years ago my children s father left..
and he is still happy!
I think deep down I always believed that one day
he would miss me...
I gave him my all..
loved him completely..
it took me a while to grasp
that I was not what he wanted..
my love was not the love he desired...
neither one of us have wanted a reconciliation
in three years..
for me the reason is simple...
he hurt me deeply.
I cannot be hurt like that, by him again..
I do not believe that my heart could withstand it...
We both fell out of love in the process of dismantling our lives..
and yet,
still three years later...
when I see evidence of his new life..
his carefree, stay out late, party if you want to..
life!
I am surprised...
how is that what he wanted more then what we had?
I still wonder how its enough..
and I still find myself fighting tears
when I drive away
from dropping my kids..
my hurt is not the person,
it is the rejection of what we had,
and the choice made instead!
Certainly, it has lessened in time,
but I wonder will it ever sink in?
will I ever not be surprised
that he has found happiness in a life so different..
from the life we lived??

What I LOVE about fridays...

so many things...

Friday is normally a good day at work...
its art day for my little kiddos...
my own children are relaxed as it is dress down day at their school..
so Friday starts well...

When I leave work on a Friday
I walk out the doors take a deep breath
and the relief I feel STILL is huge!
For 13 plus months I carried a feeling
of having to answer at all moments to another..
I carried the weight of an obsessive relationship...
when I walk away from my day job
and head to my home
it is with lightness and relief!
The gratefulness I feel at no longer living in daily volatility
and walking on eggshells,
so deep...
I feel that most on Fridays..

then there is my Fridays with the kids..
tonight being one..
we watch movies, get take out, light a fire, drink hot chocolate..
there is no more perfect place for me to be...
and of course,
there are the Fridays with out the kids..
and funnily,
the routine is often the same.,
my favorite thing is renting a movie,
getting Thai food
lighting a fire..
and enjoying my Friday alone...

and lastly I love
that Friday when the kids are in bed..
I feel the freedom to let all the chores be,
I know that Saturdays coming..
so the dishes can wait,
the laundry can sit,
the dust can collect..
and for tonight
I relax...
and read...
and enjoy the fire..
and love that its Friday!