It could always be worse....

Life can feel kind
of nuts..
at the moment!

In truth,
I have more on my
plate
then ever in my life.

And while there
are many ways,
that things could be worse
circumstantially...
(illness,job loss, loss of loved ones,ect)
That is not what gets me through!

What helps me keep my life
in perspective,
is that it has been worse!
And I never forget!

Now, life is full
with kids,
and work,
and college,
and activities,
and church,
and housekeeping.

Then life was filled
with
all of the above,
and fear!

My every minute
was accounted for.
My life was not my own.
My thoughts questioned,
My every move scrutinized,
My actions dictated...
My life a prison.

Even in the moments,
that were more luxurious...
then moments I live now;
bubble baths in garden tubs,
nice furniture to sit on,
a fancy TV to watch,
even a home gym...
the use of those things came
with a price tag.

And here is what I know...
I have less
and I am responsible for more!

And yet,
the less I have does not
just include
less money
and less stuff..
it also includes less stress..
less hurt..
less of being treated like less of a person!
and the more responsibility,
also includes
more friends,
more self respect,
more peace
more contentment!
More of me!!!!

So, yes...
life is not always easy..
but I never forget
that I have lived and left
the hardest circumstance
I have yet to face.
It helps...
it keeps the NOW
in perceptive;
because now is no longer THEN!

deceptively easy....

This dichotomy that is life
always catches me
unaware!

This week,
I am tired..
but, life is scarily under control.

I am on track
with both college classes.
My house is clean.
My laundry is done.
My job, as always,
is going well.
My children are clean, fed and
emotionally as normal as is to be expected!
(teen and 2 tweens...just sayin!)

This week,
I have managed to attend my kids games,
get them to their various activities,
Keep up with all my homework,
make it to bible study Wednesday night,
knit more of my daughters scarf
and run several times as well as exercise daily.
So easy!
Until its not!!

Sometimes a mothers life..
can seem almost bi-polar.
One day all is well,
and then without warning,
something small or huge
can topple the haystack!

I know that this calm
is not guaranteed.
I understand
that I can make all the 'schedules'
and plans I want,
there is no accounting for
human emotion,
tween drama,
sickness,
last minute homework projects
or a crisis with the car!

So, I learn
to go with the week.
If I am super mom
this week..
great!
If I loose all my super powers
next week,
then I shall just hang on
for the ride!

I know that life
will bring me highs
and lows..
it will bring me easy weeks
and weeks I barely survive.
and in truth,
thats what makes it life..
the 'living ' part!!!

So, this week I enjoy the calm
and peace.
and next week?
well. I will let you know then!

Practice for the real thing...

I always thought
that the time I have taken
to be alone,
was just to learn how
to 'not need a relationship',
but it turns out
it has taught me so much more.

As I enter into a stage
of my life,
in which my time
is beyond strained;
I now know
that I was learning
how to balance
and how to deny
my 'wants'
for my 'musts'.

I am in a stage of my life
that requires
hours a night
of homework and reading.
a stage which
calls for concentrated time
to study.
I need to 'be'
not 'do'.

Several years ago,
I stayed busy whenever I was
alone.
I went places,
and bought things..
and visited people.
I did not spend my alone
time at home.
I spent it keeping
my mind off the fact
that I was , in fact, alone.
Then about a year ago...
I had no car
for 5 weeks.
My weekends alone
were spent at home.
I had no choice.
It changed me!

I learned that I could
spend an entire weekend
within the walls
of my home,
and be OK!

In time,
I began to balance it;
I spent time with friends
and spent some time
being busy
and some time being alone.

The lesson was invaluable.

Now, to succeed at school,
my weekends
can not be filled with 'stuff to do'.
I have room for
some time 'out'..
but I have to allow
room
for lots of time 'in'.
I am so grateful
that I already know
how to do this part!
That the hard work is already
done.

and I am surprised to learn,
that the lesson of being
content alone
affects so many more
aspects of our lives;
then we can even imagine!