A dream that took me back..

and its been hard for me to shake..

Just over 7 months ago
I left a relationship!
It was a relationship that turned sour
very quickly after the 'I do's'
a relationship that looked nothing
like the courtship!
as days and weeks and months passed
I knew something was very wrong!
My children witnessed the destruction
and begged me to leave,
my heart was broken..
my will berated
my soul defeated
and yet..I was so scared to leave!
I was with some one who controlled
and yelled, and called names
He threatened to kick me out bi-weekly,
he even went as far as writing divorce papers
and making me sign them..
he divided our belongings...
he even packed my boxes
BUT I KNEW
he was being a bully
and that it was a bluff!
I knew that he hoped by threatening
to put me and my children
out
I would do what he desperately desired for me to do...
HIS WILL!
He often said
" if you just do what i tell you to do, exactly the way I tell you to do it..
we would be fine"..
and his goal when he screamed obscenities and told me I was worthless
was to break my will...
His goal when he told me to get out
knowing that he had made sure I would leave with nothing
was to cause me to fear..
his goal when he befriended my family
and alienated me from friends
was to isolate me completely..
and it almost worked!
almost...
it did leave me trembling at the thought of taking the step..
it did, which I regret now, leave me fearful that no-one would understand...
as these men do..
he convinced me that no-one would believe me
and that those that loved me would think I was crazy...
he convinced me enough
to doubt the out come when i left..
and thank God above in this he was SOOOO wrong!
But leaving him...
taking that step in that moment..
was by far the scariest thing I have EVER done in my life!
And it is the loneliest thing I have ever done!
When my first marriage fell apart..
I knew I would be loved and accepted by those around me...
when I left this man
I no longer knew what to feel!
I literally fled..
one day my kids were in school..
the next school day we had relocated!
It was dramatic
and it was hard..
Sometimes the fear of the unknown
is scarier then the hell you have come to accept..
that's what my life had become.
and yet..I left..
and no matter what
I have never regretted that!
IN fact I often breathe deeply
with relief...
I got out!!
some how...
I did it!!
The freedom is still felt daily...
I will never again take for granted
what it is to be valued for the simple act
of being human..
what it is to make choices
out of freedom not fear..
what it is to sleep with peace
not a persistent nagging
that something is not right...
Love should not be based in fear..
and a life lived without freedom
is a life survived not truely lived...

so my dream..
I dreamt I left..as I did..
but went back!
for some crazy reason..
and I was trying so hard
to get out..
trying to make sure I had my kids..
trying to get away..
and it was like quicksand...
and I could not!
And when I awoke
it stayed with me...
the reminder of what it took to leave..
and the relief that I never have to do it again!!

finding my footing...or at least my chaos...

wow!
what a ride this is!
Its amazing what happens when life throws you a curve...
you spend time just adjusting to the idea..
then the reality...
then you grieve the change...
then you have to figure out how to live
within your new circumstances..
all while reeling from an emotional blow..

its no wonder it can feel like being sucked into a dark hole..

and yet at some point
you start to see light filtering in,
and then you realize that you are still adjusting
but no longer grieving..
and then you begin to see that you have accepted and embraced where you are,
now, you are just trying to make the most of the life you are living...

and at some point you realize
you are normal!
You are busy like everyone else..
you are stressed like everyone else...
you worry sometimes like everyone else...
you need a break like everyone else...

BUT no longer are you emotionally in pain,
no longer is your heart so shattered it hurts to breathe...
no longer do you fear your future alone..

this is you!
You are where you want to be..
but now you, like everyone else, want to figure out what that looks like!!

I am there..
I am busy..and tired..and unbalanced in the demands on my time..
but I am finding my footing!
This weekend held normal chaos..
and thats what I am realising;
after many, many, many months
of brokeness...
my life is now chaos!!
BUT good, happy, work to hard, sleep to little, want more time with the kids..
want less time with the kids..:) chaos!!
For me this is one of the steps in recovery..
grief, anger, acceptance....then CHAOS!! yay!:)

a balancing act...

no wisdom..
no insight...
no clue...

sometimes trying to balance it all
is a job in itself!
I don't try and do more then possible..
I work full time..
I keep my house clean..
I spend time with my kids...
I take care of the pets..
I limit their activities..
I DON'T find much time to work out..
I do find a few minutes each night to read..
I do stay in contact, via internet or text with friends...
I limit phone calls..
I have a schedule...

SO WHAT more could I do?
What am I missing??
sometimes its exhausting!!
What words of wisdom do single moms and dads have??

I think I am missing out in these areas;
easy meals!!
Preplanned dinners...
scheduled family events!!

I used to do a movie night on a set night..
and or a set game night..

Maybe that would eliminate the guilt
at not spending enough 'quality' time with the kids...

But it seems in balancing better
it involves doing more...

any great books??

Guess..I am looking for a lifeline?
do have one you can throw??