erratically normal

recently I was talking
to some one dear to me
who mentioned
this journey I am on,
and how confusing my words
can at times seem.
How one day I have it under control..
and the next day I am falling apart.

I have chosen to bare my soul
and the pain and purpose that my heart holds...
and its true.
I do have it together,
and I am falling apart!
It all depends on the moment.

Today..I experienced a great high..
an amazing experience
that impacted my heart and life!
(I will share more later)
I also experienced great sadness and despair.
All in the same day.
Both things that affected me..
both left me shaken
one by the hope and excitement in life..
and one by the sheer emotions
that loneliness at times
can bring...

The great moment I will wait to share..
the sad moment I will share now,
because it also involves triumph.

Tonight after work
I joined a running group
and ran a 5k.
The first 5k I have run
in 3 years,
and only the second one I have run in my life.
My goal was to finish..
and I did.

Once again, I felt the empowerment
that comes with over coming,
and doing something hard (for me)
and giving it all I had to give.
That moment lasted for a bit after the run,
and then a wave of complete devastation hit!
I felt completely lonely in the crowd.
this group of couples and families..
a few people I knew,
but none who belonged to me.
No-one knew what it took for me to get where I am,
no-one understood or cared intimatly about my journey
back to a fit body AND soul..

In the physical sense,
(putting my faith aside..)
I run alone..
I live alone..
I over come alone..
and I experience the WIN alone...
and it felt very......alone.

I had to walk away.....

The tears fell
as I walked...
and I felt the sadness in my core.

This aspect of life
is not about the loss of a person,
or relationship.
It is not heart break over a divorce,

it is the reality that at this stage in my life,
I did not see myself alone.

I envisioned sharing my life and triumphs and hurts
with my partner.
I expected to spend my life, raising kids,
having date nights
talking about life with the one I loved.
I just did not see my life this way.

And yet, I am Ok with it.
I accept it.
I often fight for it,
and even desire aspects of it.
and yet,
there are moments
that the unexpected place I am
still brings about a stab of unexpected pain...

and thats the way it works.
its there in some ways every day!
sometimes there is empowerment and acheivement...
Sometimes there is excitement and joy..
sometimes there is worry and fear...
and sometimes there is loneliness and despair..
And often its all in the same time frame.

its erratic..
and its normal..
and which part of my day you might hear
(or read)
will be the one
that in this day..
leaves the heaviest imprint on my heart!

or sometimes its the most recent imprint...
which is why the words that follow
might be of something so different
and impacting in such a different way.

Erraticly normal..thats me!

the rules keep changing...

so,
I am feeling
a little more ready
then I felt before...
as I grow and evolve,
as I begin to unfurl the wings
I finally seemed to have found..
I am feeling more open and receptive
to the next stage of this new life I live..
yes, *gasp* dating!

But, heres the problem..
(OK so I find lots of problems
with this subject)
Here is ONE problem;
the rules have changed but I have not.
I don't call boys..:)
OK..I call them AFTER we have a relationship!
(and I know this based on the WHOLE 2 relationships
I have had! ha!)
But, I know I want to be the lady!
I know I want to be called and asked out!
I know I want a little more tradition
then a text..
or fax..
or even email.

And yet,
in reading blogs
and watching single folks around,
I see that in the 17 plus years
I spent married
(albeit it to two different men)
dating has changed.
Men seem to like woman who take the initiative,
who know what they want..

Here's the thing;
I have come a long way!
I have reached a place
that I know who I am,
what I desire
and who I aspire to be.
and I know this...
I will wait as long as it takes
to bump into 'tradition'
and some one old fashioned enough
to want to ask,
and woo...
yup I said woo:)!!

until then..
I feel excited to be in this place
that says
whatever shall come will come,
and I feel ready to face
whatever that might be!

What I now know..until I learn more..

I have learned
that when you think
you are whole
you will find new breaks.

I have learned
that when it seems
weakness is all that's left
you will find new strength!

I have learned
that grief
ebbs and flows..
some times you are well
some times you are not
but each time you are further
then before.

I have learned
that there is wisdom
in not rushing the healing,
because new moments
of hurt
will catch you unaware.

I have learned
that when you come through
the lesson
you are something new
and it is good..
better!

I have learned
that we all have individual ways to cope.
I thought I healed as I ran,
I found I heal when I stop running
and walk,
and am the end of me..
because that is when I am finally still,
inside and out.

I have learned
that there are different aspects
of overcoming a divorce.
there is the grief over the loss of the love..
then comes the grief over the loss of the life
you knew..

At some point comes the reality of facing it alone;
and the knowledge that this fact can empower you
and completely devastate you..
depending on the moment!

I have learned many lessons..
with many still to learn.
Each lesson I carry with me,
and each day I am not sure which side of the lesson
I will be on.

Above all I have learned
That life is hard!
That life is good!
That being alone is relative!
That God is there!
And I am OK!..