processing privately

so..
not everything is to share...
but everything
is to be processed...

some things leave me heart heavy..
and some things leave me smiling...
and some things leave me confused.

I find very little;
about being single-
straightforward.

whether it is dating
or co-parenting..
or working-
or balancing kids activities...
or finding time for me...
none of it is black and white.

And no matter how simplified
I make my life-
or try-
life is just not simple.

And so there is plenty to process..
in private..
and out loud.
plenty to wonder about
and worry about..
plenty to keep my mind busy,
even when my body is at rest.
and something tells me..
its just the start!

over parenting??

I do a lot for my kids..
I admit!!

I still check on my high schooler
during his school day-
making sure he ordered his lunch!
if he did not bring it from home...
This is not for him
(he orders just fine)
this is for me...

I pack my children's lunches!
they can pack them themselves..
but their lunches
are my love note!
They do not know this yet..
or understand-
that each treat
was hand picked..
each item chosen just for them!
They do not need me to do this..
I need to do this for them!

I sometimes clean their rooms..
or cover them for their chores!
I sometimes carry their plates
to and from the kitchen..
not always-
but sometimes!
I sometimes take care of all
the pets...
I sometimes clean out their mess
from the car...
I sometimes do their laundry..
and often fold it and put it away!
I pack for my high schooler
when he goes to camp-
I pack for my girls when they
go too...
I do the dishes...
and the housework..
and the mopping
and the sweeping-
and I know they can!
and I guess they should..
but sometimes
I do it anyway..

I do a lot..
sometimes too much..
and sometimes
I hand it all back!
before picking it right back up!

don't get me wrong..
they can do things for themselves...
they can do their own laundry-
and clean their rooms
and do the dishes,
and care for the pets
and remember to get agendas signed
and take money for lunch
on catered days...
they can-
and sometimes they do!

but, I love being a mom!
and part of being a mom
(for me)
is doing things for them
that I know they can do for
themselves...
its checking on them..
and loving on them..
and carrying some of their load-
even when my load
is heavy enough!

Its a choice I make..
one I understand,
and balance!
a choice to teach them how
to do it all..
and yet to choose
to do some of it
for them!

When all is said and done-
so soon..
they will take all they know
and live their lives alone..
and I will be left
with the memories
of moments
when I did it all..
and I have no doubt-
I will miss it!!
no doubt- at all!

Alot can change...

In just one week..
so much can change!

One week ago-
I was overwhelmed!
I felt in over my head..
and just wanted to cry!

Today-
I am in a much better place!!
I love my job
and I am excited about the new
challenges!!
I ,of course, love my kids!
and I am enjoying
a new season
as my middle child
has joined a JV volleyball team!
I love my little home..
and have been purging
and it feels really good!!
I love my extended family-
and have been able to spend
time with them!
I love my friends..
and this has been a
great week
for me socially!

And so..
in just a week-
I have climbed down the rainbow..
and found MY pot of gold!
It is not heavy
or financially viable..
in fact,
just the opposite!

It is found in the moments
that make me smile!
The moments
that remind me
why I keep going..
when I just do not want to!!
the moments
that touch my heart..
and reach my soul.
the moments that matter
only to me...

Life happens in those moments!!
And those moments
can turn it all around!