forty,fit'ish', frazzled....fabulous

So..
it happened.
I turned 40!
and I feel...
well..
exactly the same.

However,
as I reflect
I know
that I have come to accept
where I am differently!
I still get tired.
I still get overwhelmed.
but what for some,
would be too much-
for me is every day.
normal.
routine.

recently,
I heard a mom at a ball game
say:
"I am doing the single parent
thing for the week.God HELP ME"
and I remembered
that there was a time,
it would have felt TOO much.
There still are moments
that it IS.
But, no longer do I worry,
or fret,
or wonder if I can truly do this..
face this..
live this..
survive this!

I am thankful
that in reflection
I can see how far I have come.
I can own
how far I have to go.
I can accept that single parenting
and doing life alone,
is hard;
no matter how much love and support
you have!
I can believe that this is just
the start..
and something great is waiting.
and I can focus
on the raw and transparent beauty of my life.

I like who I am..
I am comfortable in my own skin..
I have balance and fun.
I work so very hard..
and I play so very purposefully.
I parent with all I have,
and I love without restraint.

I am forty!
I am fit 'ish'!
I am frazzled!
and it feels Fabulous!

Too much Jade..or the right shade?

Recently..
a date that was 'blah' to me,
ended with an attack of words
on the rejected parties part!

I was told that I am too jaded
to see a good thing!
I will admit..
several men have tried to 'woo' me
over the past few months,
and maybe they all would say the same thing!

BUT

here is what I think!
I am a little jaded.
I do not put too much stock
in the pretty words,
and heady emotions
that tend to start off
a new relationship!
I think its fun,
and allow it the due
it deserves..
but what I put value on,
is the part that is too come!!

The part AFTER the 'puppy love'..
the part BEYOND the 'infatuation!

The moment when this man
who thinks the fact that I burn everything
is adorable at first;
has now experienced it
and decided that while its not as cute
as he thought...
its still OK!
THAT part!!

The part where I have gotten lost
several times
or asked for more communication..
or pouted a little because my feelings are hurt,
or brought home a stray cat, or goat or cow:)
...
and its still OK!

the part that follows the beginning!
The part that precedes forever!

Do I believe in all that?
yes!
Why?
because I have seen it in action!
my parents have loved eachother for 47 years!
I have a sister happily married..
and friends who have found love 'again'.
And bigger then that..
I believe in the perfection of my father above's plan.

So, I am hesistant!
and I am careful!
I do not rush to give my heart
because I know that when I do,
I will give it completely!

but, jaded beyond measure?
no...
smart?
careful?
aware?
yes, yes and yes!

beyond hope?
not on your life!

Sticks and stones

We all know sticks and stones can hurt..
we also know that words can harm...
but what about;
disapointment,
disheartened hope,
broken promises,
deception,
misleading...
that does not just harm;
it changes a heart!

dating again...
or trying,
after 2 bumps in a row
has proved much harder
then expected!
I read so much into words,
I feel like I have heard them before,
I see danger in every sign,
and red flags are in everything!

I know that in time
I might trust more easily,
and I understand that my new
found caution
has been earned honestly;
one hurt at a time.

but, in this moment;
I regret the trust I gave..
because it seems to have cost me
the ability to trust again.

and yet I remember
thats its just for now..
always just for now..