I don't blog specifics about my faith often,
I have shared that it is a part of my core..
and the key to where I am and who I am.
BUT, heart break is universal
and I have blogged the hurt
knowing that those of all faiths hurt too...
However,
something happened in church today
that was VERY specific to my faith..
it reached me to my very inner being
that part of my soul
buried so deep I sometimes forget its there.
Proverbs 31 is found in the bible..
Its speaks of a woman of noble character
being worth more then rubies..
it speaks of her children and husband
calling her blessed.
In speaks of her husband being respected
because of her.
As a wife
this was my desire.
For years I have been carrying
this failure in my heart.
My husband did not call me blessed.
In fact he chose another life
that did not include me.
I had tried to be all
that this proverb entailed..
I read books on it,
did bible studies on it..
and YET I failed so thoroughly..
or at least I carried that thought in my heart!
Today when the preacher spoke of the husband,
being respected because of the wife..
a HUGE epiphany hit me!!
Many times people have mentioned
my love and devotion to my husband..
some thought we were the perfect couple,
some knew truth I did not
and did not understand...
MANY have spoken to the fact
that my complete loyalty and respect
for the man that I loved
was so evident..
Those who knew what I did not
wondered if I was 'faking',
those who did not know
where shocked when we were no more.
AS I remembered this..
and this truth was spoken out loud in my heart..
I realized I did not fail!!!
It was not about me!
IT was about us!
His feelings of needing space
were valid...
The miss fit of who we were; real.
BUT, my desire to be a wife
who honored and respected..
to the degree that others
respected my husband,
because of the role I played in his life...
I did that!
I loved and I honored!
I did the best I knew
with all my heart!
And I finally let go of the weight
of this failure...
I began to cry,
I cried from my soul
the hurt so deep and raw..
the guilt so strong and consuming!
and still in this moment
the tears are sitting
waiting to fall!
What an amazing gift.
The gift of knowing
that the guilt you carry
is not yours!
The gift of knowing
that the memories
and moments you tried so hard to make,
were all they were meant to be!!
The tears are no longer of the sadness of loss..
but the complete openness my heart
experienced in that moment
of letting go
of not being enough!
and accepting that , once as a wife,
and now as a mother..
I am doing all I can
with all I have!
and that...
well, that's enough!!
Oh Debbie dear,
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful. I can see why you might have misconceived that you were a failure but I am so glad that God opened your eyes today to the fact that it wasn't you. You are such a beautiful person and one of my very favorite people in the blogging world. You are my hero sweet soul.
I put you in my post today. Blessings dear lady
I do get this. And it is enough. I am glad you have felt the release of things that were not of your doing, and to know that the memories you tried to create were in fact real and are real to them today. One day, and maybe this has hit you already, you will be able to insert you back in those memories and look at them with fondness (I have yet to do this, mind you). You were, are, and will be the mother you intend to be. Nothing or no one can take that away from you.
ReplyDeleteI love watching you heal, one post at a time.
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's day to you
Thank you Debbie for this post. I needed this. Bless you dear this Mother's Day.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said. He is known for lifting weights from our shoulders...one of those qualities I love about Him.
ReplyDeleteGod is so good! :) So glad to have bumped into your blog these evening. Thank you so much for sharing and I encourage you to share more of your faith! It is the Truth that sets us free!
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day to you!
Well of course you did not fail! I'm so glad you were able to take in that message.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful revelation. I think we too often blame ourselves for things we cannot control -- especially when it comes to things that are most important to us. I'm glad you've finally let that pain go.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, this...is obviously a post written of revelations and of healing. Sometimes it takes us months and years to come to the realization of certain things, but when they do come, it washes over us and cleanes us...like an ocean tide that keeps coming in again and again and again.
ReplyDeleteLet the Spirit and the tears cleanse you. It is time.
'Old things have passed away, all things have become new.'
ReplyDeleteTears often wash away the old, when Jesus has done something new!