Learning to be alone
has been a process...
it has taken work..
The end result
is not in the enjoyment
of being alone,
but instead
in the ability to be alone.
Over 2 years ago,
I started the process
of learning how
to be alone.
I had never been on my own.
I left my parents home
and married,
over 14 years later;
I left my marriage home
and when back to my parents..
I left my parents
home once again
to marry into a nightmare.
when I left that
reality,
I found myself
35 and alone for the first time,
ever.
The first year...
I took on the task.
I stayed BUSY, oh so busy!
I learned to be busy....
alone.
I went to the beach and on vacations...
I went to movies,
I shopped,
I ran...
I was never home
and I was always alone..
(if the kids were not with me.)
It was hard!
I cried a lot...
and then I learned to enjoy
the flea markets
and parks..
I learned how to enjoy
being busy alone.
And then...
My car broke down!
No car for 5 weeks
meant learning how
to be alone
AT HOME!
And I did...
I learned to love
the silence of my home,
gardening,
house work..
hanging out with my pets!
I liked being alone.
Almost too much...
I seemed to hibernate;
safe in the walls of my home.
And then...
I started going out with friends...
I became more social again..
I started living once more
and began dating.
I still loved being alone...
but, I enjoyed the time
I had with others...
And now...
I no longer choose
to be alone
over being with others!
In fact,
today I had a whole day alone,
and there were moments
when I wished
I had company!
This is actually a good sign,
a new season...
a season in which
I can be alone,
but, I can enjoy being with others!
I have found myself,
and in the process
found many friends
I enjoy spending time with!
I have worked hard
to know
that I do not need another's company,
so maybe now..
I can stop working so hard
to be alone,
and instead
begin to let others in;
knowing that no matter
what,
I will never be anything
other then I am..
a woman who has learned
to live and let go,
a woman
ready to live
and maybe...
let in!
Funny how different we can be thanks to where we are in our lives. With three sons still at home and a hubby, I look forward to the days I can have the house to myself. I don't want to live this way all the time, but do enjoy it when it happens which is rarely.
ReplyDeleteI like some time alone, but also treasure the company of friends.
ReplyDeleteLife is full of interesting cycles. It sounds like you and I are in kind of the same place (the "maybe ... let in!" spot). Hope all works out well for both of us :-)
ReplyDeleteIt is a process isn't it Debbie. I am working at the letting back in too.
ReplyDelete