what about 'her'?

there are so many layers to a heartache..
and some heal fast..
some slow..
some never really heal at all...

one of the layers
is the layer that holds the one he loved instead.

This has been one of the hardest layers
to accept, let go and move on from.
What a process.

At first I believed that I could never be Ok.
I could not imagine letting go.
I needed to hold onto my hurt,
it was my security against the unfairness.

Then I watched...
I could not deny
the kindness to my children.
If they come first,
how do I discount that?
and so I let go.. a little!

And then I moved on too fast..
and felt like accepting her,
meant an acceptance on my ex's and 'her' part, of my 'him'.
and I let go.. a little more.

then I ran from 'him'..
home...
and one of the persons to buffer the fear,
and to intercede when protection
from a very bad man
was needed,
was my ex..and his love.
and I let go...some more.

and then as I came to know her,
I liked her.
Timing means we will never be friends.
She was to much apart of something
that once fragmented my core into tiny pieces,
but I know in my heart,
we might have been in another lifetime..
and so I let go...as much as possible.

And so now,
I understand,
it is not perfect.
She is his love..
I am his 'ex'..
we will always hold eachother at arms length
for no other reason
then the role that we each hold in life,
and the part we have played in eachothers 'story'.

BUT, acceptance and grace becomes enough.
She loves my children...
we do not have to agree on all aspects of what that means,
we do not have to share the same views and philosophies.
We did not choose the other..
but we are in each others lives
in a pretty solid, and unavoidable way.
and knowing that each of us
share time with the same three individuals,
and knowing that when they are with her,
they are cared for and safe..
makes the rest...
history!

relevant..
unforgettable..
life changing..

but history none the less!

the kids.. a hurt too deep.

I rarely talk about my children's hurt.
it goes too deep.

But today,
I was taken back!
I went to have blood drawn!
3 1/2 years ago,
I sat in this same Dr's office
and the SAME lab tech drew my blood.
But there was a BIG difference!
on that day,
my 3 children were with me.
they were 4,6 and 9.
Their lives had just been shattered
and I had always told my children
that this was not a secret!
This was not their fault
and this was theirs to share!
and share they did!

They announced it in church..
(before I did..oops!)
They told the cashier at wal-mart,
the waitress,
the stranger who asked about their day!
they shared their hearts!!
They needed to!

This day,
as this man drew my blood..
they told him
that their mom and dad were getting a divorce!
They told him;
"my dad does not know how to love my mom."
"he married her too young."
"he had to leave her".
I smiled at them as they spoke,
as my heart wept tears of blood!
Their words were arrows
to my soul,
but I knew they must speak it!
I knew they would be free if they released the words
they held inside!

The poor man.
He did not know what to say!
He looked at me with pity!
I felt like a cast off piece of clothing,
the discarded one..
my shame exposed to this stranger!

But, my children..
their words broke from their mouths
releasing the hurt that held their hearts captive!
I knew then,
I know now,
that I have made many mistakes!
BUT, giving their words wings to fly..
released some of the hurt,
and helped some of the healing!

I would do it again,
stand vulnerable in front of the cashier,
shamed in front of the lab tech,
exposed in front of the waitress...
because it was a gift I gave to them!
and in this gift,
in moments I gave my very soul.....