the one place we cannot escape...

our dreams.

One of the comments on my last post,
reminded me
of a huge aspect
of the journey of letting go.
our dreams..
the place we are,
the gage that tells us if we are as healthy as we say,
the measure of our secret fears and hopes.

For 16 months
I have had a reoccuring dream.
In this dream I was back
with the man I had run from.
and each time I realized that some how
I would have to run all over again.
Anyone who has ever left someone
who is controlling AND angry;
knows you cannot just announce your choice
and walk out...
its not that simple.
So leaving
was the single most hardest, scariest, life impacting
thing I have ever done.
Which says alot as my first divorce
was the most heart shattering event
that I ever imagined could happen.

To this day
I can tell you how many months AND days it has been since I left this man.
it is an anniversary of a VERY traumatic moment.
Not because it broke my heart,
but because it required facing a very dark person,
in an equally dark moment.

And so,
sometimes my dreams revisit this moment.
I would dream I was back..
I was trapped..
and some how I had to do it all over again.
And in each dream
the feeling of NOT being able to face it,
not having the strength to do that once more
was strong.
And yet the knowledge that I must find a way,
that I could not stay;
was even stronger.
And deep within the folds of the dream was the despair.
I would wake shaken
and the dream would stay with me all day.

Before I wrote the letter that I posted a few days ago,
one of the ways I knew I was ready?
I had a dream..
and I was not back with this person.
I did not need to run.
In fact I was somewhere that this person was too.
and seeing him shook me,
but he was more shaken.
In my dream he was with someone
and did not want her to see me.
I was not as his mercy!
I was free to walk away.
I woke up...
and nothing!
No thumpng heart,
no sweaty palms,
his hold on my mind loosened,
his control of my innermost fears released.
I knew it was time..

Dreams often tell us if the words we use with others,
are the words our heart believes.
Dreams sometimes reflect the shadows in our minds
that seem to dark to express.

It seems my heart and mind are finally on the same page.

How long is a year?

Today marks the anniversary
of the day I left..
and turned my back on
the saddest, most oppressive, most demeaning and hurtful situation I have ever been in...
I have relived that night in my blog..
it was truly the worst night of my life!
And so, on this significant date
I will instead reflect on all that has come to pass!

One year ago I left..
with no plan!
I will be eternally grateful to those
who paved the way
with a moments notice,
for me to be safe and free!
I did not know where I would live..
where I would work...
how I would survive!
I was scared to death!!!!

one year later...
The kids and I live in a wonderful little home..
we have a big backyard,
a fireplace
(that we use in ANY weather!!!)
family pets...
used but good furniture...
its eclectic..
NOTHING matches!
ITS quirky as all get out!
Its EVERYTHING my home should be!
And when I walk outside in the mornings...
I breathe in the air
and I know that I am free..
sometimes I worry about bills...
I do not have a lot..
but I have a place
for my children and I..
provided, not by someone
who expects my soul..
but instead by my hard work!

One year later....
I have a job I love...
I teach little ones!
something I was born to do!
I have always loved children!
Always loved to teach!
And Always loved to nurture!
Ideally I wanted to spend my lifetime homeschooling my children..
that was not the plan for my life!
So instead I get to love on others children.
They are part of my heart...
and I would not choose to do anything else!
If I must be a working mom..
and I must..
I am doing what I love!!

One year later..
I am 3 weeks away
from completing the classes I need for a 2 year certification
needed in my field!
There is a little more left in the process
but I am almost there!
6 months of school
for 2 nights a week..
while working full time..
and raising 3 kids..
no small feat!
But, I did it!

One year later..
I have started counseling!
I have begun to learn how to say no.
or at least recognize when I should have said no!
I have started becoming who I want to be
rather then who I think I should be!
I have had not one moment of regret for leaving!
My regret is getting in the situation to begin with!
and through counseling I am learning
how to make sure
it never happens again!

On year later..
I have yet to go on a date!
and I have yet to desire to go on a date!
I have been asked..
and I have considered...
and yet know I am not ready!
I am where I want to be,
and for now that is very single!

One year later..
my children are thriving..
great grades in school..
all involved in outside activities...
all have friends..
(or in my sons case..the introvert..he knows some people he likes!:) its a start!)
they love their church,
they see their dad,
they are normal kids
with normal issues..
and thats the best part!
There is no longer dysfunction and fear!
Their life is normal...
their mother happy..stressed sometimes..but happy!
They are free to just live and be kids...

On year later...
I am participating in a church dinner theater,
something I enjoy!
I walk and sometimes run!
when I choose!
I am a vegetarian
most of the time vegan..
something that feeds my soul
and convictions!
I have a best friend!
I have old DEAR friends!
I have new GOOD friends!
I have SADLY lost some friends!
But, my personal life
is rich and full!

One year later...
above all..
I am relearning to trust
and rely on
my savior and Lord!!
I have been protected and carried
by Jesus..
through the storm!
He has taught me that no mistake
is to big for him to forgive or restore..
that no hurt is to big for him to heal!
He has loved me completely!

One year later..
I am safe in his arms..
I am free of the fear!

trust even when things are good?

I used to always believe life was good...
people were good..
and ultimately it would all work out!
these last three years have taught me
that life is hard..
people are not always good...
and sometimes it just does not work out at all!!

It has caused a deficit in my ability to trust..
in anything!
I went from the naive gal who trusted too much..
to the naive gal who is still surprised by life..
yet does not trust at all!!

when I notice it the most
is when things are going good!
Right now is one of those times...
out side sources have been blessing my children and I
in big ways and small ways
and all such important ways!
some of these blessings literally improved our life
by improving the comfort of our home...
some of these blessings have touched my heart
as they are affirming and validating and accepting...
and all of these blessings have left me speechless.

And yet,
My head keeps running to the next stage,
the stage where it gets hard again...
the stage where I might get hurt again...
the stage where I might feel alone again..
and I wonder..
when does the trust return?
not just the trust of men..
but the trust of actions
and people..
the trust that those around that say they love you
and show it..
and follow through...
won't suddenly stop and run and decide you are too much trouble..

I always thought trust was only with in a relationship
and yet through this
I have come to understand that when you have been hurt
learning to trust
is in everything you do..
and every breath that you take..
its in your friendships
and your conversations..
its in your thoughts
and your actions...
learning to trust that you can trust..
and what is...is...
is a much harder process then I ever imagined!

learning to live in the moment...
and accept that this moment is real..
and just feel happy!
Instead of waiting...
for the roof to fall again...
is a task...
BUT, its a task I am glad to face!
Because facing this
means that there are those showing their love..
and daring me to trust...
and so in this moment I start..
in this moment I trust!
Knowing tomorrow I will face the battle again..
and knowing tomorrow I will choose again
to live in my moment..
and trust in this moment...
and eventually I will no longer fear to trust...
I will just once again live
and trust will once more be apart of who I am.

Second time single..first time freed!

I have so much to hurt over..
as do many!
BUT I have so much to be grateful for!

this is my second go round...
I have had only 2 loves in my life..
only 2 relationships.
Both became 'forevers'
yet neither stood the test of time.

Both were so different
and while both left footprints on my heart
one left in its wake..
fear, trepidation, awareness and deep relief.

The first time I found my self single..
I did not want to be there.
the state of being single
was the trap.
I did not want to be alone..
I liked love,
I liked relationships,
I liked being married.

Then I experienced being trapped in a different way.
being in a marraige
that was not what it seemed..
being with a person
bent on dominance and control..
and I felt trapped in ways I cannot explain.
I could not breathe..

My second time single
feels like freedom personified.
I feel alive again,
I feel light
as if a heaviness has been taken from my back,
I feel refreshed;
as if my airway has reopened
and I can gulp in the outside air
once again.

I drink in this state of being
and know that I am lucky!
I was strong enough to get away..
loved enough by others
to have a place to turn...
hurt enough by my past
to not have given all of me...
and because of all of this
I could run
and start fresh...

I can look at my children
and feel deeply grateful
for the choice I made.
and I can live my life
knowing there is worse
then being alone...
and I know what it feels
to loose your freedom
and I know the exhiliration
of finding it again....

For all that and more..
I am deeply thankful!