I have lost so much to be thankful for...

its the time of year
when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for...
in my life there is so much!
BUT much came at a price.
I cannot reflect on what I have
without thinking in moments
of what I have lost...

I have my children..
I lost their father...
The moments around turkey with family
will always hold an empty spot..
17 thanksgivings with someone..
and the chair they sat in will always seem theirs..
and yet...
4th thanksgiving without
and it does not hurt ...
there is a twinge..
but, I can wish him well..
This year I will even pick the kids up
at his families
and see his mom
and sisters
for the first time
since he left!
and I am ready....
for that I am thankful!

I have a home..a roof over my head...
I lost the home my children grew from babies to children in..
the home that had hand prints on walls..
height measuring lines in their bedrooms..
and pink counters in the kitchen.
The home I held thanksgiving in...
and entertained my family at...
This year,
our 'home' is just ours!
There are no memories
that do not belong to the children and I.
There are no rooms that hurt to walk in...
there are no hidden secrets and whispered words
within the foundation of this home..
for that I am thankful.

I have a job...
I lost my role
as stay at home mom...
MY children are now away from me...
8 hours a day...
I am no longer home except
weekends and evenings...
they learn their lessons from teachers and friends..
and I do damage control at home.
This year..
my children have shown they can excel in school.
They have learnt so much
and shown that they can be mature about
what to retain and what not..
I am surrounded by coworkers that I love
and respect...
I face a holiday season
without fear of unemployment..
for this I am thankful...

There is so much in my life that has brought me joy..
and most of these times
have been preceded by a time
that brought great hurt!
But this thanksgiving
while I remember the hurt,
I am so deeply grateful
for the growth
that has come from it!

When you know life will never be the same..

I was on one of my favorites sites ; Dianes addled ramblings. She used a prompt that I am borrowing:

Describe in 1000 words or less a time when something happened and you knew that life would never be the same...

For me the moment took months to get too..
we were nearing 14 years of marriage.
I knew something was wrong...
but I did not know what!
I assumed it was finances,
I assumed it was stress.
The LAST thing I assumed was that it was over.

The drama started when I asked one night,
" is it us?"
and he replied
" I think marrying you was a mistake".
ouch! and yet still there was hope..
somehow still hope..
and then the counseling
and the fights
and the tears..
and I could not understand!
Why?
What was wrong?
how could I fix this?
I was desperate to fix this!
I loved this man more then I had loved any one or anything in my whole life..
I had loved him blindly and completely...
I had a family with this man..
children whom I love more than anything is this world..
I could not loose my life..
and that is what it would be!
But, all I got was
" we married too young. I need some space".
Then the counselor, also at a loss,
recommended a separation.
still I hoped!
I lay in bed the night he left thinking,
" This is us. We have been together since we were 17. We will be OK".
there was hope..
and then he came home one night..
and sat at the table and said"
" I am ready to come home"..
and in that moment I knew it was over!
I saw something in his eyes...
I knew there was a question I must ask.
and I knew that the answer would be the death of my hope!
In that moment I knew it was time...
and I uttered the words that started the process of loosing my heartbeat, my love...forever
" is there someone else"..
I knew...
"yes" would follow..
then came the death blow..
"do you love her?"
and in the reply
came the loss of all hope.