I have lost so much to be thankful for...

its the time of year
when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for...
in my life there is so much!
BUT much came at a price.
I cannot reflect on what I have
without thinking in moments
of what I have lost...

I have my children..
I lost their father...
The moments around turkey with family
will always hold an empty spot..
17 thanksgivings with someone..
and the chair they sat in will always seem theirs..
and yet...
4th thanksgiving without
and it does not hurt ...
there is a twinge..
but, I can wish him well..
This year I will even pick the kids up
at his families
and see his mom
and sisters
for the first time
since he left!
and I am ready....
for that I am thankful!

I have a home..a roof over my head...
I lost the home my children grew from babies to children in..
the home that had hand prints on walls..
height measuring lines in their bedrooms..
and pink counters in the kitchen.
The home I held thanksgiving in...
and entertained my family at...
This year,
our 'home' is just ours!
There are no memories
that do not belong to the children and I.
There are no rooms that hurt to walk in...
there are no hidden secrets and whispered words
within the foundation of this home..
for that I am thankful.

I have a job...
I lost my role
as stay at home mom...
MY children are now away from me...
8 hours a day...
I am no longer home except
weekends and evenings...
they learn their lessons from teachers and friends..
and I do damage control at home.
This year..
my children have shown they can excel in school.
They have learnt so much
and shown that they can be mature about
what to retain and what not..
I am surrounded by coworkers that I love
and respect...
I face a holiday season
without fear of unemployment..
for this I am thankful...

There is so much in my life that has brought me joy..
and most of these times
have been preceded by a time
that brought great hurt!
But this thanksgiving
while I remember the hurt,
I am so deeply grateful
for the growth
that has come from it!