But still....

It's Christmas morning!
Yesterday
my children and I celebrated
our Christmas
and it was wonderful.
And yet
my heart knew
it was not Christmas!
This morning
when I woke
without them..
my heart knew it was!

The reality
is that the day still matters!
We do our best
and we celebrate,
and we create memories..
and for the kids,
it may not matter as much!
But, for the parents?
the day still feels
like an empty Christmas!
something missing!

This year was easier..
but still hurt!
I am not sure I will ever adjust..
but maybe that changes
when one meet's someone?
not sure!

I know that
the day hurts..
and yet I made memories
I will cherish!
I know that
I broke
over the reality
that I never expected.
I know that
5 Christmas's later,
I still flash back to
the moment,
that I never imagined
a Christmas morning
without my kids...
and I WISH for just a heartbeat...
that I could turn back time!
I know that Christmas
is a reminder
of a family no longer intact!

I also know
that I am stronger
then the day
because I choose to be!
I know I am blessed
because
of all I have,
and the support around me!
I know that having
every Christmas
would mean my children's
dad was not as involved...
and I am glad that he is!

SO deep down,
when the tears stop..
and my heart stops
throbbing,
I know that this
is what it should be
for this season..
and I know that
after all..
it is just a day,
and like any other day..
its what you do with it;
that counts!!