For what its worth...

I hate to talk..
on the phone.
I love to text..
to email..
to facebook..
to chat in person...
but when my phone rings,
my body reacts!

For many people
in my life,
this is frustrating!
Most know
that calling me is
hit and miss..
texting is guaranteed.

Why?
I have not always
been like this!
In fact,
in my first marraige
one of the biggest fights we had
was the phone bill!
I was always over on
minutes...
or the long distance bill
was too high!
I loved chatting
with friends
for hours..
the phone
was company!

And then!
I met a man
who changed all that!
The phone became
his tether to me!
He called constantly
and expected the phone
to be beside me.
Not answering
ended up
in a dramatic confrontation.
Worse was when I did answer
but was busy,
or distracted!
To him,
that meant he was not priority!
My children
paid a price.
I allowed this!
I hate that I did that!
Then as the relationship
progressed,
the phone became a tool
to hurt me,
and to control me.
Every conversation monitered.
Every number recorded.
Every phone bill
scrutanized.
I hated it!
I walked around the house
with the phone
beside me..
and yet, I never called my friends!
I jumped when the
phone rang...
My hands shook
when I missed his call...
The phone was part
of the chains
around my life...
and when I left;
I, literally, left the phone behind!

One of the first
and most dramatic memories
I have,
of the night I left..
is laying alone in a hotel room..
no-one knew where I was
or how to reach me!
The silence was so loud..
and so SAFE!
I knew the phone
could not connect me
to a life I had fled!
I was free!
I found such peace
in the silence...
It was the best sound
I had heard in many months!

It took me a week to get
a phone.
And I enjoyed being unreachable!
and now?
I do not want to answer it
unless I choose to!
and even when I want to
I sometimes don't answer!
The phone represents
a level of control
I cannot yet forget..
and therefore
I still do not trust ..

and so,
for those that try..
Its not you!
I might answer..
I might call back...
I will text you,
or email you..
I can control that!
please bear with me
and know..
some issues
reach very deep..
and take a lifetime to overcome!!