replacing moments...

A few nights ago I had a disappointment

it hid me hard..

and made me think!

The disappointment was
Christmas plans

with friends..

the idea was to go

on a horse drawn carriage ride..

looking at christmas lights,

then dinner and hot chocolate!

At the last minute
due to illness,
plans changed!
I was floored by how disappointed

I was..

Until I started thinking...

This night was to be different.

I had pictured it in my head...
I had seen us laughing,
and talking...

and was excited about the start of

something new!

The new was me celebrating Christmas

without the hurt

and without the kids...

Christmas season still hurts!
I am fine all year..

I understand why things

are what they are!
I know that it takes two

to change a future..

two to damage a forever!
I accept that what is

should be...

but at Christmas

it still hurts!

Every memory I have

is either my kids

or what was my pre-divorce family!

The last several Christmas's

I have continued to make memories

with my kids..

but christmas memories

that do not involve my

kids

all involve the one I loved...

and I realized
THAT is what this night

had been about;

creating a new memory!

Making some moments

with friends,

that are not about my kids..

or about someone I love...

but just moments

that turn into memories

and become part

of who my am..

and what I look back on

in future pockets of time!

Thats why I cried..

that why I reacted..

it was not the loss of the night

it was the loss of the memory

replacement!

and now that I know..

I can look for new moments...

and continue to accept

that some seasons are hard

and require more work then others!

and some memories

don't just happen

they have to be made!