Tuesday, November 5, 2013

my not -so- pretty chip...

Part of healing and growth
is self checks.
Lately I have noticed
a not so pretty chip..
on my shoulder!

here is the thing:
its tough being a single parent.
its tough going to bed alone every night.
its tough worrying about the bills alone.
it tough navigating teen moods without a partner.
its tough planning vacations without a spouse.
its tough being the one to investigate the noises at night.
its tough being the end all, be all on 'your' days.
its tough in more ways then I can list.
its tough.

I feel that few get that.
I feel alienated from friends
whose lives look different.
I feel isolated
from those who have someone to help.

I have a chip on my shoulder.

I carry my wounds at the surface.
I use my scars as a shield.
I have built a wall around me
because I feel that I have given all I have to give.

And yet what I am finally realizing
is that I don't have to be understood
to be loved and accepted.
I don't have to understand
to love and accept in return!

We each have our burdens.
Many carry crosses I would not bear the weight of.

My life is what it is!
I can compare
I can allow myself to look at those
with 'partners'
and distance myself because 'they don't know how hard it is'..
and I will cheat myself out of the many aspects of life
there are to live.

I did not know this chip lived there
I did not realize how close to the surface my hurt resides.
I did not understand how much my 'isolation' was holding me back.
until I did.

Starting now
I purpose to look beyond the surface
of those around me.
I set out to understand that they may not carry my hurts
but they carry their own.
I commit to accept that no one else has to know
how hard it is, I know.
I intend to look beyond circumstances
and see people for who they are,
and allow them to see me
as more then just a struggling single mom.

I am so much more.
My singleness..
My battle..
My wounds..
do not define me.

Its time to forgive those
who hurt me
by very virtue
of not wearing the same size shoe.
Its time to let go
of who I was
and embrace with open arms who I am...

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