Could you pick up some milk?

There is no doubt that being a parent
is exhausting!
the more children you have,
the more activities and friends they have,
the more running you do!

Sometimes just being a mom
says it all!

but, sometimes being a single mom
stands alone!

Tonight as I felt spent,
I tried to define why that is.
As parents we are all busy!

However,
as a single mom-
when I have my kids
its all on me!
If we run out of milk,
there is no one else to send!
If one of my kids needs help with homework,
it does not matter whether I understand it-
its on me!
if there is sporting event
or church activity
or sleep over,
its on me!
forms that need to be filled out..
bills that need to be paid...
calls that need to be made..
projects that need to be done...
Dinner..
Cleaning...
Discipline...
its on me!

Thats the hardest one!
The discipline...
The really big things,
I could call their dad.
But, in the day to day..
sassy girls..or hormonal pre-teens,
or angry teenager,
bad test grades or forgotten chores..
sibling fights
or lost items..
its on me!
even when I am at a loss..
even when I wish I could just talk it out
with some one else..
even when I know that in this moment
its beyond me,
its on me!!

And then there is the emotional part..
the hurts that need comforting,
the advice that needs giving..
the lessons that need instilling...
its on me!

When they are with their dad..
I get my break!
I make up for many full days
and refresh..
and then all of the above is on him!
and I am sure,
he would say the same!

Doing parenting alone
is rewarding..but...easy?
not at all!

Enjoy it now...

My daughter is almost 13.
A great age to talk and chat with!

We had some time in the car
tonight!
we talked about boys!:)
She is still sure that she has no interest,
and I just as sure
that soon she will.

As we talked
I encouraged her
to live her life,
enjoy the opportunities
still to come.
"Don't rush , my love.
Live!Enjoy!Experience!"

BAM!!!
Thats where I am!
Thats what I have!

As I spoke
I shared with her the joy I find
in my friends.
The small trips planned away..
the girls nights out.
The gym work outs,
the coffee's!

I married at 18..
I was married for almost 15 years
and then married again!
YIKES!
and then when I found myself single
I had to learn
how to like being alone,
How to be comfortable
in my own skin.
I had to figure out
how to enjoy myself.
Now, I really do!

Thats not to say
that someone worthwhile
will make me want to give up
some of these times..
but it is to say,
that I shall ENJOY it now!

I shall:
live!enjoy!experience!
This moment..
This season...
This day!

Living in a DATING world...

I sometimes wonder
what it must be like
for my girls,
to have a single mother!

Not, the daily living,
to be honest
we are pretty good at that!
But, the reality
of a mother in the dating world!

They never meet my dates,
and in fact
assume I am pretty dateless.
(often they assume right!)
But, I tease about the single teachers
and the cute football coaches,
and they just ROLE their eyes!

I have used it in moments
as an example!
Recently I went on a really
awful date!
The date started with a dozen roses.
The next day
when my children
saw the roses,
I told them about my evening!

I shared with them
that appearances and pretty words
are not to be trusted-without actions.
I told them about the beautiful roses,
and handsome man,
and complimentary words..
and yet, how really WRONG
of a fit it was!
Something I only knew
because I listened to what My head and gut said,
and did not get swept away
in the glitter of romantic gestures!

And so,
I am sure
its not easy having a mother
in the dating world.
But, I hope
the lessons they learn
along with me;
will make it all worth while!

The waiting game

My choice at this moment
is to view myself as waiting.
or
to view myself as there.


Am I waiting for something better?
Am I where I should be?

While the answer changes
based on the day,
the essence of the answer
has to be found
within the contentment
of the moment!

Maybe I hope that one day
things will look a little different..
but if this is it,
This is not a bad place to be!

Friends, family, children..
weekends aways..
girls nights outs-
a job I love,
a church I enjoy.
hobbies that distract me
and friendships that fulfill me!
Family that accepts me
and children that remind me,
why every breath I take counts!
and above all a Lord that sustains me.

Life could be MORE..
but it could be LESS,
so in this moment-
it is just RIGHT!

I'm BAAACK!:)

I left blogging
believing that life 
had reached the end of a season,
who knew that
this stage of my life
travels in circles.

content alone,
unhappy without,
ready for more,
not ready at all...

Like a merry go round!

As I look at what it all means..
why it all happens..
where I am
and where I want to be,
I realize that
it comes down to one thing;
me!

Am I where I want to be?
Am I as strong as I need to become?
have I learned how to be enough alone
or am I sure that I will be more than enough
with another?

and so the journey continues.
and I am quite sure
that its time to put it in words...

and so it goes.
and so it goes.

not THAT ready...

so for almost 10 months
for reasons of my own..
I have not been on any 'dates'
(fix-ups,blind dates,ect)

so I finally decided it was time.
to say yes to  a date...
so I did.

It was not awful!
but, it was not good...
it felt like hard work!

and I once again know
I am ready!
but not ready at all costs..
not ready for readiness sake..
I am ready for right!

I am happy with my life..
and what I hope for
will only be found
in the arms of the right person!

I can find companionship
with my friends..
and I do!
I can find happiness
with my kids...
and I do!
I can find fulfillment
in my work....
and I do!

 so..ready...
but not THAT ready!

I think its time to say goodbye...

Time to move on...

It hard to believe that
my single again..
rebound brokenness..
began ALMOST 3 1/2 years ago.
This blog was started over
3 years ago.

My dad often says
'to everything there is a season'
and I feel like this season
for me,
is done!

No, I am not involved with anyone!
Yes, I am still very single!

BUT..
the journey seems to have
reached an end.
At least this part of it...
I seem to have settled in the place
I am.
Where I began
is so different then where I am now.

I was broken,
now I am whole.
I had lost my identity,
now I am sure of who I am.
I was willing to compromise
now I stand strong!
I was unsure if I could be alone.
now I know I can!
I did not know if I ever wanted love again,
now I am sure that I do!

I do not know what the future holds..
If I am meant to be single
I know that I will be OK!
But, what I am able to acknowledge now
is that I hope to find love and goodness and forever.

I have taken this last year
and taken some chances,
some dead ends
and some wrong turns!
I have learned that dating can be tough,
and that sometimes
just waiting is better!
I have learned that friendships
are invaluable!
I have learned that family time
matters!
That teaching my children
to be happy with less
is a lesson worth learning!!
That even with less we can do more
then we imagined!!
I have learned to co-parent with grace,
a lesson that has been learned
by both parents involved!
I have learned how to navigate
the single life
without compromising being a mom
first and foremost!
I have learned to ask for help..
and to become as self sufficient as I can.

I have learned so much
that I would not have learned
without purpose!
and much I could have lived without
learning at all...

My blog has been my therapy..
but as life has settled so have my posts!
And now, I think
that its time to let go of the blog...
not close it!
but, keep it to look back on..
while hoping that if down the road;
I ever post again-
it will be not so single..
in a world not quite as complicated!!:)

What I want..and what I hope to be...

I wrote the "WHAT A GIRL WANTS" list July 2011
Tonight I wrote What a girl wants to be!
The more I heal
the more I see
not only what I am looking for-
but, what I am looking to be
in return!

What a girl wants..

...and What a girl wants to be!

So here is my list;

1) a man that shares my faith

2)a man that has kids or completely respects that I do, and understands all that entails.

3)a man with a stable and rewarding job

4)a man who makes me smile!
I will do my part to keep him laughing!

5)a man that is flexible
life happens!

6)a man that makes me feel valuable to him
He will never doubt his worth to me.

7)a man that does not see the need to drink excessively.

8)a man who watches his language around me.

9)a man that makes me feel safe
he will feel safe and confident in who we are together,
and who he can be with me!

10)a man who respects who I am, even if he does not share all my quirks
This goes both ways...

11)a man who will communicate in good times and bad
I will purpose to be open and not allow things to fester and build.

12)a man I am attracted to
and I will let him know this.

13)a man that makes me feel attractive

14)a man who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin.

15)a man who accepts and understands the demands in my life,
as I will understand the demands in his, and do my part to add
to the positive not the stress.

16)a man who embraces my love for my family.

17)a man who encourages my time with friends.
understanding the boundaries that keep the relationship first.

18)a man who has his own healthy hobbies

19)a man who smiles easily
I will always smile back!

20)a man who handles his stress appropriately.
I will find outlets for my stress that do not affect the
one I am with!

21)a man who is respectful to those around him.

22)a man who treats his mother kindly.

23)a man who understands and accepts the role he will have with my kids,
not as a father, but as a respected man in their lives.
I accept and understand the role I will play with his.

24)a man who likes being a man.

25)a man who likes, or accepts with kindness, animals.
at least most of them..:)

26)a man who wants a balanced partnership

27)a man who will allow me to talk things out when I feel hurt
I will listen when he is hurt as well!

28)a man who will not keep me guessing
and vice versa!

29)a man who will be faithful
I will be faithful ,loyal and true!

30)a man who will enhance my life emotionally,
and allow me to do the same for him.


The man I am looking for may not be all of these things,
but he will be more of them than he is not!
Some are deal breakers,
some are not..
but all help me to define
what I hope to have,
what I hope to be,
what...
I hope to find!

dating..or lack of it...

So I gave up on line dating..
it works...
for some!
It certainly
kept me busy...
dinners out; here and there!
but, ultimately..
the investment of time-
the lack of true
'connections'...
the exhausting process
of starting from scratch-
just did me in!

And so..
for the last several months
I have been dateless!
and some times
I miss the hope!
And always
I yearn for the possibility...
but mostly
I accept where I am.

Whenever I wonder..
if maybe,
I should actually look harder..
should get out more..
reconsider my options-
lower my expectations...
I remember
that settling for less
than is right for me,
is not an option!

and so..
I keep on
keeping on!
Living single..
enjoying life..
not waiting for the next stage-
just wondering
what might possibly
be waiting for me!

The new LOOK of alone time..

I still remember
the days
when my family was intact..
my days were filled
with kids,
and home,
and family..
and there were times that I longed
for some time alone!

I would imagine
all the things that I might do-
browsing in bookstores,
rambling slowly through cobbled streets,
wandering in and out of stores,
reading my book in the park..

NOW, I get to do those things!
I have more alone time than
I did then..
and yet now..
my non-alone time
is so intense..
so exhausting..
so solitary..
that when the alone time
comes..
it takes time
just to reach the place
of breathing!

Some how,
when you have no choice
but to do all those
things alone,
they do not seem quite
as alluring as they did
before.

And so
alone time looks different-
its still refreshing-
its still needed..
its no longer as unique
and sometimes
its unwelcome...
but, its mine
and it matters!

accepting

I will admit...
there is an aspect of my divorce
that has taken me
years to truly accept...

And that is,
that I am REALLY alone
in this!!

Not completely..
as I have family and friends-
but from a 'partnership perspective'
I am alone.

I realized recently
that I have held onto ties..
not love,
or attraction..
not hopes or illusions...
instead-
I have held to the
'we are in this together'
emotion.
and yet-
unless its about the kids-
we are not!
That is not wrong!
That is not ugly
on either of our parts-
that is divorce!

Divorce ends what was!
but, sometimes
when what was
is all you know..
when what was
took so much time to build..
when what was
was one of the deepest
friendships you thought
you had...
its hard to end that.

I had allowed myself
to believe
that the 'friendship' was still there,
because I was not ready
to let go.

Now I am able to see
the reality of what is!
A good,amicable, parenting partnership.
But, as we let others in..
as life moves on; as it will..
that's all we are meant to be!
That's all we should expect-
can expect!

And finally,
I understand
that I was holding on
to the hope
that I did not have to accept-
that I am really doing life
alone!

As always,
understanding the emotions
that hold us captive..
is the key to acceptance..
acceptance is the key
to truly getting healthy
and whole.

step by step by step...

I have had it all...

Today,
I realized that I do
hope to love again!
I do want to experience
the butterfly's
and the newness of romance.

BUT
if I live out my life
and that does not happen
I am OK!

Not only because
I am settled in who I am,
but also because I can look
back and know
that I have loved that way!
I had the high school romance!
The flowers, the love letters..
I fell in love heart and soul,
and I know what that feels like!

I also learned
how falling out of love
feels,
and what a broken heart looks
like!
That I could have lived with out!

but, never will I wonder
what it feels like to love!
What giving yourself
to another looks like..

What I hope to one day
know..
is that feeling completely!
Mutually!
Without walls!

But, regardless
of the way my life goes...
I can live without regrets-
because I have learned to cherish
the memories,
rather then resent the circumstances!

I can look forward to a future-
because I understand and accept
what I see in the past!

I can accept the NOW-
anticipate the WHEN-
and appreciate the THEN!

Good place to be!

To trust or to hide....

I have tried marriage..

it hurt!
it failed..
it left me broken
and afraid of love..
and than I tried it again!
it tore me
from the inside out..
it taught me to fear..
it left me afraid to try again!

And so it goes..

I decided
that I would not marry again..
not for years!
Not until it could not hurt
my kids..
Not until the damage
of another failure
would not be so drastic..
not anytime this decade
possibly this lifetime!

I was sure-
I have dated here and there-
and it has affirmed
my beliefs..
it has left me content
alone..
it has confirmed
that maybe no-one
will love me-completely!
Maybe the 'one' is not
out there..
or there is just not 'one'
for me!

And then..
today-
I realized..
I do not trust!
My trust does not belong
to a man..
a good man will be willing
to earn it!
My trust does not even
belong so much
to me..
my emotions make
me impulsive
and prone to self- destruction,
my trust
belongs to my God.

I have faith..
and yet,
I am looking at this
aspect of my life-
despite it!
As if;
I can trust in every area
and ignore this one!

and so...
I let go!
I stop assuming!
I stop deciding!
I may marry..
I may not!
but, I purpose to believe
that anything is possible!
That love is good!
That marriage is
beautiful..
and that maybe
whats out there,
will be worth
every moment
of learning to trust again!

Allow me to fail...

There is so much I have
learned
these past 5 years..
but one of the greatest
lessons,
is that each person
must face their personal hurt
and deal with it-
their way!

As I watch friends face
similar circumstances..
I see all the different
ways
we have dealt with it!!
I also watch
a friend,
who is facing something
I cannot imagine
and know,
that there is no manual
for deep grief.

I have made some choices
I would make differently,
I have made some choices
I would make the same way again!

Some things
I am still learning,
some things I am still
messing up!
But, sometimes
the only way I learn
is by trying-
no matter the outcome!

Sometimes I want to date,
and sometimes I am perfectly OK
alone...
always I hope that it will JUST happen..
but sometimes I wonder if thats reality!

Sometimes I feel lonely,
sometimes I enjoy the freedom...
always I remember how I got here-
and sometimes I remind myself
that this is where I am meant to be!

Sometimes I feel I have found my place,
sometimes I wonder if I will ever
find 'the one'..
always I know that contentment starts in me-
and sometimes I am sure that it is enough!

Sometimes I save,
sometimes I spend..
always I live in the moment..
and sometimes I plan for the moment that has
not yet arrived.

Sometimes I fail,
Sometimes I thrive,
always I try..
and Sometimes I am sure that the best
is yet to come!!

and sometimes
I wonder if this is it!?
Is this the best?
and then I know..
that maybe it is!
and I also know..
that THIS is more than OK!
This is my LIFE!
This is exactly where I want to be!

Going it alone....

So much of being a single mom..
is something that I now
take in stride!!

I have come to be comfortable
taking the kids on vacation..
or just off for the day!
I am managing the running
around..
and getting everyone where
they are meant to be.

I still find some of it hard-
when there is an issue
that I wish I had immediate help-
I now wait until a good time
to call their dad..
versus walk into the other room
to talk to him.
Sometimes meeting 3 children's
emotional needs
is overwhelming..
But, I take each moment
one at a time!

However, the hardest part
is managing all the physical
aspects
of running a home!
Its not just the inside..
its the outside..
its the car..
the shed...
the garden...
the patio..
You name it!
If its in the home-
out of the home-
parked in the driveway-
breathing within, out, or near
your home..
YOU are responsible!!

And add to that..
that if one has an area of weakness
there is noone
to balance that out!
So whether you are organized,
disorganized, a neat freak, a slob...
its ALL you..
That is sometimes
where the true stress comes in..
no-one to take an area
because they are better at that than you!

And so..
it is what it is!
I have a lot to manage
and I do what I can..
some of it well...
and some not so much!!

Accepting
that its too much for one person,
is a start!
And accepting that
what I do-
is enough!
Its all I have!
its just what it should be!

Full circle...

3 years after a major crisis..
5 years after loosing the only
life I knew..
I have finally begun to reclaim
what was!

For years I knew I was
'surviving'..
and then I knew I was thriving!
but, within what my present held;
little resembled my past..

I was managing well
as a single mom.
I was making my kids
my priority...
doing well at my job...
balancing home
and activities!

But, there were areas
that I was just keeping
my head above water!
Sometimes
letting the kids eat on the couch
or on the go..
sometimes
eating left overs
over and over...
doing things for them
they could do..
carrying it all alone.

slowly..
I have begun to reclaim!
slowly
meals came back to the table..
chores were implemented..
help insisted on!
I have decided to love cooking-
or at least tolerate it!
I have changed the times of
extra curricular
activities
to better suit family dinners!

I am finding the step
beyond thriving...
I am reclaiming
the parts of my life
that I loved..
I am relearning
what that looks like alone..
and I am redefining
my purpose,
one moment at a time!

Things I have learned the hard way...

The last several years
of my life,
have held many lessons!
And so many
of them,
have been taught
through heartache..
some through smiles-
most through some event
that changed the shape
of my heart!

I have learned patience!
I have been alone
a while..
I am OK
with that!
I might fall in love..
I might not!
Sometimes I wish..
sometimes not so much!
I can wait for whats right!

I have learned self sufficiency..
I enjoy the people around me,
my friends matter...
I like to be social-
but, I can be isolated
and survive!
My 'need' is different!

I have learned to love openly..
I have learned how to
truly hug-
how to tell my dearest friends
how much I love
and appreciate them!
I have learned to express
what those in my life
mean to me!
I love without holding back..

I have learned to hurt..
I have come to understand
-in some small way-
the process of sadness..
I know that it must be faced,
and I also trust
that I do not have to fear
the past repeating-
if I confront
and own,
how I got there to begin with!
I have allowed the pain-

I have learned to let go!
There are so many
I have lost in the process!
Dear Friends I have lost touch with..
good friends that time does not allow
for time with..
acquaintances with whom
commonalities are no longer
evident-
I miss people I shared
life times of memories with!
I still hope..
that re-connections will be made..
that life will allow
the time for moments together-
But, I have learned
to allow the end of what was
if that is the only option there is...

The lessons learned
are not all good..
but neither are they bad!
They are lessons
that have helped to shape me
and create the person
I am right now!
There are lessons still to come..
but these-
I can see
and understand!
these..
have become my own!

Perspective...

I am learning to find blessings
even in the clouds.

I have found
that when I see whats good...
it distracts me from what is not!

Sometimes,
Its easy to get caught up
in the negatives..
sometimes
I feel frustrated with my kids..
or my bills..
but, then I try and remember
what I have and what it means!

I have learned that
getting a given a new jacket
for my littlest-
when the old one gets to small-
does not change the fact
that the power bill is high
or the rent due..
Getting blessed
with unexpected food
does not change the fact
that sometimes I feel lonely
and my heart hurts...

but,...
its a reminder!
Its a reminder
that people are good!
That life is to be lived!
That God is in control!

And when its hard..
its the small things-
the gift of a comforter for my daughter..
or new purse for me..
or space heaters for my home..
its those things
that remind me..
that the big things?
they will pass!
It will be OK...
and that God is there!!
To provide, or to carry..
or to comfort!
and that...
is enough!