Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sticks and Stones...Not!

I hear the phrase so often-
"actions speak louder than words"
and I understand that to most
this is true-
and certainly
to some degree I feel the same.

but, not as much
as one would think!

Words touch my heart
or break it!

When I think over
life changing moments..
the things I remember
are the words that were said!
Not the 'things' I came to know-
or even the things I saw
or experienced...
its the words
that were said to me
about the event at hand..
that left the lasting impression!

If I were to list
the most heartbreaking
aspects of my divorce-
the memories I have
are all things said..
the moments I broke;
were within the sounds-
not the silence.

When I remarried..
what broke me?
the things said to me.
The put downs
and the unkind criticisms..
that carried more weight
than extravagant gestures..
or even the times
spent in peace.

On the flip side...
when kind words are spoken
my heart soars...
talking something out
with someone-
makes me feel close
and connected to them.

This is not always a good trait..
some people use words
as weapons..
some use them at their bidding.
some say them without malice..
and yet they implant in my heart-
with hurt!
for me-
I notice words more than most..
something said as an aside-
will make me wonder and think.
something said in kindness or compliment
will replay in my mind and heart!
something said in anger-
can become a stone in my core.
something said in love..
will keep me holding on,
sometimes beyond reason.

But,it is what it is...
sticks and stones
are preferable..
can make me
or break me!

And now,
as I see this-
I wonder!
am I as careful
with my words?
do I measure them as carefully
as I should-
do I regard them as powerful..
or do I react and just say them..
and pick up the pieces later!?

I hope being more aware
of the effect they have on me..
I will be more aware
of the way I share them
with others!

I hope that knowing how words
change my perceptions-
I will learn to judge in balance..
I will hear the words,
read the tone,
look at the actions-
and begin to
hear beyond the syllables...
and see beyond the definitions.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


I have made progress
in a couple of areas..

I blogged about living
my life..
rather than waiting-
this weekend,
the one I am seeing
had family in town-
I went to a movie
alone last night
(loved it..crazy stupid love)
met a girlfriend for dinner
and sat listening to live
music for several hours!
It was nice!
I lived my life..
I did not sit and stew..
or wonder..
or worry..
its a start!
And it felt a lot
than waiting around..
just in case!

The other area
of progress
is communication..
I shared what I needed
and it seems to be working!
what a concept..
ask and receive!

And so..
I am still in the process
not really any further..
but not going backwards
quite as often.

dating measured differently...
but, in ways that matter

Thursday, July 28, 2011

dating mom...complicated situation

No matter what happens
with this current
'dating situation'
I am in..
I am learning SO much!!

We are two people
with a past!
That's what happens
when you begin dating
at almost 40..
with children
and ex's...

Along with the past-
comes the hurt-
along with the hurt-
comes the fear-
along with the fear-
comes the walls.

All those things
change the way
you date!

I remember dating in my late teens..
the newness
the excitement..
the belief that love was enough.
(it was not.)

I date as a devoted mother..
who has learned
that love can let you down.
I date a man
who is a father first..
who has learned the same thing.

And so-
I learn!
I learn to talk rather than assume.
I learn that sometimes
things are not what they appear.
I learn that men who have been hurt
are as weary as woman.
I learn that a mans hurt
is a steel wall..
I learn that a woman's hurt
is strong on the outside but buckles
when hope is introduced.
I learn that working it out
is harder than walking away-

I learn that the heart is resilient
but retains the scars..
and has a memory of its own!

I learn!
and no matter
whether this is a few more weeks
or turns into a lifetime;
the lessons
are shaping who I am
in this new stage of healing!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I get it!!!

Being alone
are NOT mutually exclusive!!

Why have I found
dating hard?
because there is
no security
in the beginning!
will you have plans?
or not?
that evening without kids..
will you spend it with 'him'
or alone?
Should you make plans with friends..
or will he call?

When I was not dating...
I had no problem
making plans
for me..
or with friends!
Now dating-
I can put life on hold..
just in case!
I find myself restless
as if there is a better option
and I am missing out!
as if there is
'all or nothing'
dating button!
and then I GOT IT!
no! NO! no!

I need to continue to enjoy
being alone!
I need to plan my time
as before..
I need to go see the movies
I like..
and get my thai food!
plan my nights with friends...
I need to be content alone!
I need to spend the time I can
with the one I am getting
to know!
I need to be available
if possible!
I need to invest in the newness...
I need to date!

As soon as I try
and do one or the other..
either possibility
can bring about frustration
and disappointment!
When I understand
that in the dating process
you are still alone...
I look at life differently!
I still look to me
to create the fulfillment..
rather then waiting on another!

I shall put effort
into enjoying both!
Fulfilled when with another-
fulfilled when alone..
understanding that to survive
I must be able to do both!

Monday, July 25, 2011

My funk....

It happens...

to much going on..
to little going on...
to many emotions-
not enough time-
not enough money-
Its called life!

Most of the time
I love my life...
every now and then
I get over it!

Add to the normal situations
the new dynamics of dating..
and it seems a recipe for disaster!

and yet..
it really is up to me!!
I can allow it all to get to me-
as I have!
Or I can let it go..
or at least un clutter my head
to leave some room to deal with it all!

Its not easy
to just let life happen..
and sometimes
its more then you bargain for..
letting life consume you
is no better!

and so..
I face and know;
that the stress of being the bread winner
is just that.. stress!
The stress of going back to school
is just that...stress!
The stress of raising three kids
is just that...stress!
and the stress of dating..
yes! more stress...

But, life??
is good!!
Life is mine!
and all of the above
is still what I allow it to be!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

complicated world..or complicated me?

not for the first time in my life..
or the second..
or honestly even the 3rd..
I have been accused
of making something complicated-
that did not need to be!

I am starting to see
a pattern here!!

Its true..
I over think..
I over analyze..
I over worry...
I over talk...
and I over estimate!

That does not mean
the people who
do this 'suggesting'
of my complicated self;
are perfect!
or close..
or even always that nice..
just sayin!

But, it means
that if I am honest with myself-
I will see that they are right!

And so..
today starts a new day!
As will tomorrow
and the day after that!

and my goal?
go with the flow..
stop worrying
that a new relationship
will turn into a marriage..
or not!
Stop looking for every issue
to see if I can live like
that forever..

I shall decide for today!
and than tomorrow
I shall decide again..
until I am not deciding..
because I know!

or think I know..
or maybe do not know..
its so much easier than it sounds....

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Still so much to learn..

The bump
and working through stress
of a new relationship..
taught me some things.

Of course I learned
that you have to see out the process
to really learn what makes someone

But, also I learned
that as far as I have come...
I have so much still to learn.

In so many areas
of my life..
I am strong
and healthy.
but, in some areas
I still fall back to unhealthy patterns.

When something
or someone shuts me out;
I feel the need to be heard!
And sometimes
my need to be heard
becomes clingy and weak..
it becomes all the qualities
I want to avoid
in myself-
and others...

It stems from just needing to know..
to understand!
Just wanting to hear and be heard.

But, its unattractive
and above all..
it gives away my strength
and leaves me feeling
and hurt...

In addition;
I have too many walls..
I let fear rule-
I give too much credit-
I second guess too much-
I make excuses-

and I realize
that I have to learn to overcome
these tendencies!

I can not learn healthy relationship skills
while sitting on the sidelines.
I will only learn how to
overcome these areas...
and communicate effectively
while in the actual game.

And so...
it goes..
and so..
it goes!

Monday, July 18, 2011

What a girl wants..

So here is my list;

1) a man that shares my faith
2)a man that has kids or completely respects that I do, and understands all that entails.
3)a man with a stable income and rewarding job
4)a man who makes me laugh
5)a man that is flexible
6)a man that makes me feel valuable to him
7)a man that does not see the need to drink excessively with friends often if at all
8)a man who watches his language around me
9)a man that makes me feel safe
10)a man who respects who I am, even if he does not share all my quirks
11)a man who will communicate in good times and bad
12)a man I am attracted to
13)a man that makes me feel attractive
14)a man who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin
15)a man who accepts and understands the demands in my life
16)a man who embraces my love for my family
17)a man who encourages my time with friends
18)a man who has his own healthy hobbies
19)a man who smiles easily
20)a man who handles his stress appropriately
21)a man who is respectful to those around him
22)a man who treats his mother kindly
23)a man who understands and accepts the back seat role he will have with my kids.
24)a man who likes being a man
25)a man who likes, or accepts with kindness, animals
26)a man who wants a balanced partnership
27)a man who will allow me to talk things out when I feel hurt
28)a man who will not keep me guessing
29)a man who will be faithful
30)a man who will enhance my life emotionally, and allow me to do the same to him.

I may not find the one man
who encompasses all of this..
but someone will have
more of these qualities than less...
Some of these are less then vital..
Some I cannot live without...
And maybe in time the list will grow-
or shrink!
but, I am learning as I go.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A speed bump..or a stop sign!

dating is hard!
There is NO way around it!
do you open up?
or hold back?
are they who they say?
how will you know?

It seems I have hit a speed bump
in the new place I was..
Why is not important!
But, the fact that it is there..
and will definitely slow things down,
and most likely stop things all together-
has gotten me to thinking!

When I started dating,
it was impulsive!
I had waited so long...
and said no so often!
and than..a yes!
and it was not perfect..
but, it started to fit..

I had never really defined
what I wanted!
I was not really sure!
I have decided
no matter what happens now-
to define
the qualities that matter:

The things I will look for
and notice when absent!
the things I can live without..
and the things I cannot!

Compromise is imperative,
flexibility a must..
but, accepting the unacceptable..
is... well..unacceptable!

How do you know
until you go through it!?
That's part of the process
and in moments it stinks!
But, if I learn..
if the relationship lasts
and is better for it-
if it does not,
but I am..
the process is worth
the very literal pain!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

2 steps back..4 steps forward...

As I begin
to learn..
the new stage
of another!

A new place in my life..
A new experience...
New questions
and sometimes not so fun answers!

A past, a present, a future..
who we are..
who we were..
and who we want to be!

Sometimes this brings worries..
and sometimes beautiful perspective.

When I wonder,
do we have a shot?
the answer is a louder;
'heck yeah'..

are we guaranteed it?
will it work for sure?
who knows!
will we make it to the next stage?
only time will tell!

but its no longer a game..
its more than a dance!
Its a start....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

communication blunders...

So getting to know
someone knew,
means learning how
to communicate.

Something I have not
in a healthy way..
in either of my marriages.

So now...
I am trying to communicate;

and yet instead;
I am nervous,
tongue tied
and shy..

I say what I mean
in too many words..
he thinks he hears
what I mean
and yet is confused.

Part of the problem;

I do not know
what I want!

I am not sure what works.

If I knew;
I would
still be married..
I would NOT be
dating again.

so, how do I
what I hope for
or want?
when I am afraid that if
I get it..
I will regret asking.

The fact that I care
is a good sign..
the fact that I trip on the words
a reflection
of the balance,
versus control-
I feel in this new relationship.

I am strong..
and I can be tough..
but I am not the only one
steering this ship.

all good..
but gracious...
I need script..please!!!:)

Monday, July 11, 2011

I am smiling a lot...

so 3 weeks in...
Dating one person..
not serious...
still figuring each other out..
but not really casual either!
Just dating!

I am not as fearful
of breaking a rule..
I am reading less into
late calls
or missed texts...
I am accepting more
of the good..
and feeling more comfortable
not just in my skin..
but also with in this new stage.
the game is becoming

My favorite part-
is the reaction of friends.
The jaw dropping response
when I mention
"I am seeing someone"..
that part makes me laugh!
but, admittedly
I was determined not to get to this place..
until I wanted to be exactly here!
I can see that those around me
thought it might never happen.

I have no allusions.
I know that what is to come
may not look anything like
what is now...
and I also know,
it might look better..

I just know that in this moment
I smile..
and I feel excited...
and I am FINALLY enjoying
the process!
and ready to see
what might come...

Saturday, July 9, 2011

oh the games....

its a game!
no rules-
no winners-
several chances
to get it right
or mess it up..
a game.

When the phone
does not ring
when expected..
I think:
"if he does not call by 10:00 I am done!"...
"if that phone does not ring by 10:10 its over!"
"10:20 is my final offer!!"....
10:25 the phone rings,
I pick it up and sweetly say:
as if I am totally surprised my phone rang!
a game!!!:)

the only way to enjoy
the game
is to know...
sure, you might get hurt!
sure, you might hurt someone else...
but, no matter the outcome-
you will be OK!
You have been OK before..
and you can be OK again!!

If that is not there..
the game becomes about desperation..
the stakes get to high!

I am willing to roll the dice
and make a bet or 2...
I am willing to take a chance
on the least likely outcome...
I can take the risk
on a lucky hunch...
because I won this game
when I learned that playing it
is my CHOICE!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

going better than expected...

So about 3 weeks ago
I had a first date..
we are now on date number 5ish...
not all fancy or formal..
some just walks
or snippets of time!
Still NEW!
Still unsure as to the next step!

so far..
so good!


all good words...
all good things;
and all good reasons
to stick around for date
number 6!

Monday, July 4, 2011


So I am dating..
just a bit..
just a start..
a foot out the door!

I spoke to a friend
she said
"My hope is you will just enjoy the process!".

I want to..
I do!
here is the thing;
Like most..
I have been hurt!
Both in the areas
of trust-
both in different ways-
but equally devastating!

now I am in a 'game'..
that has no rules!
A game with no guarantee..
a game that leaves me
am I being played?
a game that makes it
hard for me
to relax within the lack of structure
and predictability!

In the early stages
of dating..
The signs are impossible
to read!
My signals are crossed
due to my walls!
and when something
I expected does not happen
I want to write the person off.
When something unexpected
but welcome;
I fight the thoughts of
being fooled...

I know
its all part of the process!
I know trust
will one day be earned!

I know dating different
getting to know
what I want
and what I do not..
is part of moving on!

Sometimes I wonder
if my heart
is strong enough
for the game..
or if I should just
bench myself..
once again!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Worth the Wait...

I have been divorced
from my children's father
for almost 5 years...

We have had our ups
our downs..
I have shut him out..
he has done the same..
We have NOT been
the perfect divorced couple..

we stuck through it!
Giving each other the benefit
of the doubt!
Both giving second
Both remembering
that before the divorce
there was love..

And here we are!
Today we sat
and talked about the kids.
It was nice!
It was open!
We are on the same page!
We then talked about a
I have said no too..
he thinks yes!
He waited to ask me..
he did not override me
in his home..
The affect?
a compromise!

It has taken a while
for us to feel safe
with one another..
for us to each trust one another..
beyond the kids!
But, it is happening!

A relationship
being restored!
Not one of romance!
But, respect!
We will forever share
and I hope
we will forever
share this..

I am blessed!
I KNOW this!
IT does not happen
like this for everyone!

But, there were also
many moments along
the way..
that we could have both
made choices
that took life in a different
It takes 2 to get to this moment!
and it takes choices along
the way!
It took letting go
and moving on.
It took strength
and determination...
and it took FAITH
to know
that it would one day
be what it should!

It took time...
And it was worth it!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Past, Present, Forgiveness and letting go...

I have entered a new stage
in my life...
I am no longer as closed and fearful..
I am reserved and cautious,
but finally ready
to move on...

Not just with dating,
also with friends.
I have begun to focus more
on the friends
I have had..
and friends I have just met!
I am allowing myself
to go on dates...
I am also letting
go of the past!
Again, not just with past love
but also past friends.

Not every relationship
I have had..
has survived
the rocky road!
Some that I thought
would be resilient
have dissipated like dust..
some that I assumed
were circumstantial;
have proven to be
bound by ties to strong
to break.

I am ready to say goodbye
to the friendships
that did not make it..
the loves left in my past..
the dreams that were once
and instead embrace
who I am...
where I am...
and those still walking
this journey along side me.

New friends
and old..
first dates
and second...
Fresh starts
with a weathered perspective.

A new season..
a new, while rusty, me!