Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A dream that took me back..

and its been hard for me to shake..

Just over 7 months ago
I left a relationship!
It was a relationship that turned sour
very quickly after the 'I do's'
a relationship that looked nothing
like the courtship!
as days and weeks and months passed
I knew something was very wrong!
My children witnessed the destruction
and begged me to leave,
my heart was broken..
my will berated
my soul defeated
and yet..I was so scared to leave!
I was with some one who controlled
and yelled, and called names
He threatened to kick me out bi-weekly,
he even went as far as writing divorce papers
and making me sign them..
he divided our belongings...
he even packed my boxes
he was being a bully
and that it was a bluff!
I knew that he hoped by threatening
to put me and my children
I would do what he desperately desired for me to do...
He often said
" if you just do what i tell you to do, exactly the way I tell you to do it..
we would be fine"..
and his goal when he screamed obscenities and told me I was worthless
was to break my will...
His goal when he told me to get out
knowing that he had made sure I would leave with nothing
was to cause me to fear..
his goal when he befriended my family
and alienated me from friends
was to isolate me completely..
and it almost worked!
it did leave me trembling at the thought of taking the step..
it did, which I regret now, leave me fearful that no-one would understand...
as these men do..
he convinced me that no-one would believe me
and that those that loved me would think I was crazy...
he convinced me enough
to doubt the out come when i left..
and thank God above in this he was SOOOO wrong!
But leaving him...
taking that step in that moment..
was by far the scariest thing I have EVER done in my life!
And it is the loneliest thing I have ever done!
When my first marriage fell apart..
I knew I would be loved and accepted by those around me...
when I left this man
I no longer knew what to feel!
I literally fled..
one day my kids were in school..
the next school day we had relocated!
It was dramatic
and it was hard..
Sometimes the fear of the unknown
is scarier then the hell you have come to accept..
that's what my life had become.
and yet..I left..
and no matter what
I have never regretted that!
IN fact I often breathe deeply
with relief...
I got out!!
some how...
I did it!!
The freedom is still felt daily...
I will never again take for granted
what it is to be valued for the simple act
of being human..
what it is to make choices
out of freedom not fear..
what it is to sleep with peace
not a persistent nagging
that something is not right...
Love should not be based in fear..
and a life lived without freedom
is a life survived not truely lived...

so my dream..
I dreamt I left..as I did..
but went back!
for some crazy reason..
and I was trying so hard
to get out..
trying to make sure I had my kids..
trying to get away..
and it was like quicksand...
and I could not!
And when I awoke
it stayed with me...
the reminder of what it took to leave..
and the relief that I never have to do it again!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

finding my footing...or at least my chaos...

what a ride this is!
Its amazing what happens when life throws you a curve...
you spend time just adjusting to the idea..
then the reality...
then you grieve the change...
then you have to figure out how to live
within your new circumstances..
all while reeling from an emotional blow..

its no wonder it can feel like being sucked into a dark hole..

and yet at some point
you start to see light filtering in,
and then you realize that you are still adjusting
but no longer grieving..
and then you begin to see that you have accepted and embraced where you are,
now, you are just trying to make the most of the life you are living...

and at some point you realize
you are normal!
You are busy like everyone else..
you are stressed like everyone else...
you worry sometimes like everyone else...
you need a break like everyone else...

BUT no longer are you emotionally in pain,
no longer is your heart so shattered it hurts to breathe...
no longer do you fear your future alone..

this is you!
You are where you want to be..
but now you, like everyone else, want to figure out what that looks like!!

I am there..
I am busy..and tired..and unbalanced in the demands on my time..
but I am finding my footing!
This weekend held normal chaos..
and thats what I am realising;
after many, many, many months
of brokeness...
my life is now chaos!!
BUT good, happy, work to hard, sleep to little, want more time with the kids..
want less time with the kids..:) chaos!!
For me this is one of the steps in recovery..
grief, anger, acceptance....then CHAOS!! yay!:)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

a balancing act...

no wisdom..
no insight...
no clue...

sometimes trying to balance it all
is a job in itself!
I don't try and do more then possible..
I work full time..
I keep my house clean..
I spend time with my kids...
I take care of the pets..
I limit their activities..
I DON'T find much time to work out..
I do find a few minutes each night to read..
I do stay in contact, via internet or text with friends...
I limit phone calls..
I have a schedule...

SO WHAT more could I do?
What am I missing??
sometimes its exhausting!!
What words of wisdom do single moms and dads have??

I think I am missing out in these areas;
easy meals!!
Preplanned dinners...
scheduled family events!!

I used to do a movie night on a set night..
and or a set game night..

Maybe that would eliminate the guilt
at not spending enough 'quality' time with the kids...

But it seems in balancing better
it involves doing more...

any great books??

Guess..I am looking for a lifeline?
do have one you can throw??

Friday, June 26, 2009

can't let it go..

I am a little stuck!
I have such a short attention span
that normally even sadness does not stick
for long...
and I am not sad..
I am bothered by the cruise!
THEN it hit me..
the bigger reason!
The last cruise I went on
was with him...
3 weeks before we filed for divorce..
and I have barely thought of it since
because so much happened!
And this has brought it back
and made me realise
what a truelly painful memory it is..
and so , as this is my journal
I will share the memory...
and in the process let it go!

The cruise was to Alaska.
a 10 day dream come true!
Booked 9 months earlier!
BUT,by the time it came to be
I knew he was leaving
and I went
because if I did not..
he would take someone else!
and I went because
I deserved to go..
and I went
because I loved him..still..
From the drive there
to the drive home
I remember noticing ALL the things
that would have been different
if things were normal!!
Just4 months before
he would have had his hand on my leg...
just 4 months before
we would have been excited
and giddy...
and now I am going on my anniversary cruise
with a man who says he has never loved me!
So, we arrive..and we are going with friends...
who want to take our picture..
I have that picture..
I twist away..
do i want this memory?
I am not sure!!
However, as the time progresses
we become what we are..
2 people who have known each other since high school..
who have shared every memory for 15 years
and who in spite of it all like each other
and can be easy with each other...
and we settled into this 'fantasy' as if all was well!
and it broke my heart!
We won the 'not so newly wed game'
we were presented with a frame..
that I KNEW would not hold a picture of us!
He participated in a singing contest and sung to me...
and I wanted to scream ITS A LIE! HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!!!
We sat at lunch with a retired couple
who after finding out we had 3 kids
and had been married 15 years
told us about their longevity..
told us how cute we were..
how we reminded them of them..
and I wanted to shake the man I was with..
DO you see what you are throwing away??
because I did not want him to go..
not then!
BUT nor could I take what he offered,
which was sharing him with another..
and so, each day the boulder on my heart grew..
and yet I shared the 'lie' because I wanted it to be true!
I wanted to believe this was still us...
and I also knew that now that we were away
from distractions
he wanted to believe it too...
but it was an 'affair'...
ironically... a fling with the man I had loved my whole life..
because as we walked down the gang plank back home
I knew..
it was over!!!!
He would return to his choice..
and I would be left with the reality..
and the week we shared had been a fantasy
but had not changed a thing!

As I remember I remember the hurt
the sadness
the anger
how easy we were..
how easy together we have always been,
how sad to reach a milestone
and know it is the last one you will have...
and the lump in my throat is from the memory!

BUT now it is on paper...
and now I will let it go..
and begin planning the day
that I will replace that memory with another...
and hold onto the hope
that new milestones will replace the ones that I have lost!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

hitting me all wrong...

for the most part
I have a pretty good perspective
on my life!
There are sad moments
and strong moments..
and each day is better...
BUT for some reason
I am struggling with something
that I am not sure should bother
My ex-husband (1st one..hubby of 15 years)
is going on a cruise with his girlfriend...
and it bothers me!
NOW they have been together 3 years..
we have been divorced 2 and 1/2..
its been a while for both circumstances..
and they have taken trips before
I guess!
BUT this..
well, this just causes a lump in my throat!!
All I can think
is that is because
1) he never planned things with zeal that involved me..
yet in this the excitement is plain..the relationship they share..
is so different.. the person she is, is so different...and they way they live..
is so different..and once in a while...just for a moment..I compare!
The FUN time she will be... VS my more quite, 'life with grace VS a party' approach!!
2) the last vacation we took before the divorce
was a cruise for our 15th anniversay..planned and paid for before the end came..
and yet taken after we knew it was over!
So the memory is fraught with emotions....
3) its such a reminder of the differences in our lives now
and the differences between what was then and what is now...
and so..
for whatever reason...
I am tripping over this hurdle!
NOT stuck in it...
not wallowing..
I will deal..
I will accept ...
and I will move on...
but in this moment..
it sucks!...just a bit!!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Funny movie..BUT I cried!!

I went to see the proposal today..
it was really funny!
Laugh out loud funny!

and yet..parts of it made me cry...
really cry!
Not the parts you would expect...

I cried because of the seemingly 'realness'
of the relationship..
even before they were in love...
I cried because I have never had that!
I have had a love that consumed me...
but I was not loved back in the same way!
And I have had a love
that required me to be
a certain way..
to keep the love and acceptance!
Neither were 'real' and pure and reciprocated..
neither were all of me connecting with all of someone else...
And so it hit a nerve,
and I remembered that I have a broken heart,
it may be healing...
it may not hurt all the time...
or as much...
BUT, sometimes it is triggered
and the pain is back...
and like all good cries
it left me feeling better
and the tears washed the hurt away...

and I left the movie..
and headed to my almost favorite place
the bookstore!
and once again,
all was well...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The hurt and the hope in fathers day...

I feel so torn about tomorrow..
on the one hand..
my father is the greatest man I know!
He has always been my protector,
My hero,
My friend,
My greatest fan!
Fathers day is a day
I appreciate the blessing I have in him.

Then the is the father of my children...
who while he loves them
and this day is his with them...
he hurt me!
And it is bittersweet to spend a day alone..
knowing that he is celebrating
with the 'new' family unit
he has constructed!
It is bittersweet to see family's and know
that not that long ago
Fathers day was a day
I celebrated not just the father of my children
but my husband,
and no matter how much time passes
or how healed the wounds become
certain holidays
bring reminders
of all that has changed...
and all that has come to pass!!

above all..
I have my heavenly father,
who loves me
who knows me
who accepts me
and who catches me when I fall...
So when it all comes down to it
the hope outweighs the hurt!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

a picture worth a thousand words?

Diane at daines addled ramblings
posted a picture tonight
then shared why it was a favorite..
I have done the same...

My picture is a favorite
in a sad and surreal way..

It was a picture taken
easter of 2006...
at the time my life
was literally coming apart
at the seams...

but I did not yet know it...
The picture reminds me
of trust and hope..
the faith I had before I knew...
The innocence that since seems lost...
and yet in this moment..
all is pure and real..
love is a reality...
forever a promise...
and a family complete...

In the irony that came to be
The family is now complete...
still just us 4...
now with a broken promise
and love long gone..
but complete.

YET..... not as trusting..
not as innocent...
the children now older...
everything changed...
so the picture is sweet
in the remembrance
of the innocence of the past!

Monday, June 15, 2009

single and looking..OR single and not!

I am in a new phase,
loving it..
and looking..NOT!!!!
a few years back when I found myself
single the first time..
I was certainly single and looking!
There were many reasons,
I still believed in love,
I still desired marraige,
and I longed for the validation and security
a relationship would bring.
I noticed a wedding ring..or not.
I dressed aware that there was NO wedding ring
on my finger...
I was open..
and I found..
And now I am single again..
but not looking!
I know that I am not ready!
I know that I do not trust,
nor even completely believe in forever..
I know that I don't desire the complications
that a relationship would bring.
And its interesting how for me
this has been such a growing experience,
for the first time since I was 17 years old..
I dress to please only me!
I choose to dress up
or dress down
based not on the company I am keeping
or who I might see
but instead my whim...
I believe that in this time
I am, as a side affect, learning more about myself
and becoming comfortable in my own skin..
because I am looking
only for that!
and looking..
for me!

Friday, June 12, 2009

home again, home again...jiggity jig!

tomorrow ends my vacation!
What a week it has been..

so many memories..
so many lessons learnt..
and feelings faced!

I am ready to face the world again...
ready to go home...

The week was wonderful!
the kids and I went out on the river
on a boat and were surrounded my dolphins..
We went on a horse ride through acres of woods
and past beautiful lakes...
we literally dodged sharks in the ocean..
We rode go carts and paddle boats.
We swam in the pool
and layed in the sun!
I read..
I smiled..
I thought...
and I cried...
Just a little!

Sometimes tears of joy..
and Sometimes tears of sadness...

this was my first vacation alone..
and at first it was surreal!
Packing alone..
Planning alone..
Ending the day alone...
But , after a few days it felt....


I enjoyed being able to share with my children
experiences that bring me joy!
I have a deep love of nature.
I was able to take them on that journey with me..
Share with them some of who I am!
And I learnt to never forget
that they should know
who I am..
and My heart...
Not just my role in their lives...

I learnt that the first time
is always the hardest...
and I learnt that with every hello
..post divorce...
There is a good bye!

I learnt the joy of providing
and giving to my children
from funds I worked hard
to save..

and I learnt that I spent a few days too long
on vacation!!:)
Because as wonderful as it was to be away..
it was still just me!
and I still was alone ..
and I began to miss the company of friends
and family....
especially when the children were in bed for the night!
So,I lived and learnt from this week away.

My batteries are recharged..
My pictures preserved..
and My soul satisfied
that I am doing this!

Truelly doing this...
and thriving..
no longer just surviving!

and when all is said and done
There is nothing sweeter then home!
And I finally have a home of my own
to return to!:)
Life is sweet!

Friday, June 5, 2009

vacation..vacation...oh sweet vacation!

Its here..
the children and I are moments away
from heading to the beach for a week..
I am so ready!!
And so happy!

will miss my blog friends...
but will have fun things to share when I come home...
Life is full of hope!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

panic to peace...that easy????

Its what I have...
what I feel..
After 6 months of wondering and worrying..
After almost 3 years of turmoil...
the answers to the questions are here.
I have a job...
I have a home...
I am OK!
And it brings peace,
BUT, Not as completely as I expected!
After living in panic mode for so long..
and being in survival gear...
how do you learn to let down the walls of fear
that have protected you..
at least they felt protective!
How does your mind catch up
with your reality??
I am so happy!
Really I am!
I walk into this space that is mine...
and I am so glad to be here!
It is surreal...
It is different setting up home alone...
but it feels good! and right!
So, its is not about an emotion...
it is more a state of being...
Like the tenseness in my being
is not yet ready to release..
because I am not sure what the signal
might be...
Not sure how to tell my heart...
its OK!
You can relax!
And yet I know..
its only a matter of time..
A matter of reality sinking in,
before the peace that I feel on the surface
permeates each cell of my being..
and I realise and truelly BELIEVE
that it is well!!
It truelly truelly is well!