can't let it go..

OK!!
I am a little stuck!
I have such a short attention span
that normally even sadness does not stick
for long...
and I am not sad..
I am bothered by the cruise!
THEN it hit me..
the bigger reason!
The last cruise I went on
was with him...
3 weeks before we filed for divorce..
and I have barely thought of it since
because so much happened!
And this has brought it back
and made me realise
what a truelly painful memory it is..
and so , as this is my journal
I will share the memory...
and in the process let it go!

The cruise was to Alaska.
a 10 day dream come true!
Booked 9 months earlier!
BUT,by the time it came to be
I knew he was leaving
and I went
because if I did not..
he would take someone else!
and I went because
I deserved to go..
and I went
because I loved him..still..
From the drive there
to the drive home
I remember noticing ALL the things
that would have been different
if things were normal!!
Just4 months before
he would have had his hand on my leg...
just 4 months before
we would have been excited
and giddy...
and now I am going on my anniversary cruise
with a man who says he has never loved me!
So, we arrive..and we are going with friends...
who want to take our picture..
I have that picture..
I twist away..
confused!
do i want this memory?
I am not sure!!
However, as the time progresses
we become what we are..
2 people who have known each other since high school..
who have shared every memory for 15 years
and who in spite of it all like each other
and can be easy with each other...
and we settled into this 'fantasy' as if all was well!
and it broke my heart!
We won the 'not so newly wed game'
we were presented with a frame..
that I KNEW would not hold a picture of us!
He participated in a singing contest and sung to me...
and I wanted to scream ITS A LIE! HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!!!
We sat at lunch with a retired couple
who after finding out we had 3 kids
and had been married 15 years
told us about their longevity..
told us how cute we were..
how we reminded them of them..
and I wanted to shake the man I was with..
DO you see what you are throwing away??
because I did not want him to go..
not then!
BUT nor could I take what he offered,
which was sharing him with another..
and so, each day the boulder on my heart grew..
and yet I shared the 'lie' because I wanted it to be true!
I wanted to believe this was still us...
and I also knew that now that we were away
from distractions
he wanted to believe it too...
but it was an 'affair'...
ironically... a fling with the man I had loved my whole life..
because as we walked down the gang plank back home
I knew..
it was over!!!!
He would return to his choice..
and I would be left with the reality..
and the week we shared had been a fantasy
but had not changed a thing!

As I remember I remember the hurt
the sadness
the anger
how easy we were..
how easy together we have always been,
how sad to reach a milestone
and know it is the last one you will have...
and the lump in my throat is from the memory!

BUT now it is on paper...
and now I will let it go..
and begin planning the day
that I will replace that memory with another...
and hold onto the hope
that new milestones will replace the ones that I have lost!