and its been hard for me to shake..
Just over 7 months ago
I left a relationship!
It was a relationship that turned sour
very quickly after the 'I do's'
a relationship that looked nothing
like the courtship!
as days and weeks and months passed
I knew something was very wrong!
My children witnessed the destruction
and begged me to leave,
my heart was broken..
my will berated
my soul defeated
and yet..I was so scared to leave!
I was with some one who controlled
and yelled, and called names
He threatened to kick me out bi-weekly,
he even went as far as writing divorce papers
and making me sign them..
he divided our belongings...
he even packed my boxes
BUT I KNEW
he was being a bully
and that it was a bluff!
I knew that he hoped by threatening
to put me and my children
I would do what he desperately desired for me to do...
He often said
" if you just do what i tell you to do, exactly the way I tell you to do it..
we would be fine"..
and his goal when he screamed obscenities and told me I was worthless
was to break my will...
His goal when he told me to get out
knowing that he had made sure I would leave with nothing
was to cause me to fear..
his goal when he befriended my family
and alienated me from friends
was to isolate me completely..
and it almost worked!
it did leave me trembling at the thought of taking the step..
it did, which I regret now, leave me fearful that no-one would understand...
as these men do..
he convinced me that no-one would believe me
and that those that loved me would think I was crazy...
he convinced me enough
to doubt the out come when i left..
and thank God above in this he was SOOOO wrong!
But leaving him...
taking that step in that moment..
was by far the scariest thing I have EVER done in my life!
And it is the loneliest thing I have ever done!
When my first marriage fell apart..
I knew I would be loved and accepted by those around me...
when I left this man
I no longer knew what to feel!
I literally fled..
one day my kids were in school..
the next school day we had relocated!
It was dramatic
and it was hard..
Sometimes the fear of the unknown
is scarier then the hell you have come to accept..
that's what my life had become.
and yet..I left..
and no matter what
I have never regretted that!
IN fact I often breathe deeply
I got out!!
I did it!!
The freedom is still felt daily...
I will never again take for granted
what it is to be valued for the simple act
of being human..
what it is to make choices
out of freedom not fear..
what it is to sleep with peace
not a persistent nagging
that something is not right...
Love should not be based in fear..
and a life lived without freedom
is a life survived not truely lived...
so my dream..
I dreamt I left..as I did..
but went back!
for some crazy reason..
and I was trying so hard
to get out..
trying to make sure I had my kids..
trying to get away..
and it was like quicksand...
and I could not!
And when I awoke
it stayed with me...
the reminder of what it took to leave..
and the relief that I never have to do it again!!