Sunday, February 5, 2012

To trust or to hide....

I have tried marriage..

it hurt!
it failed..
it left me broken
and afraid of love..
and than I tried it again!
it tore me
from the inside out..
it taught me to fear..
it left me afraid to try again!

And so it goes..

I decided
that I would not marry again..
not for years!
Not until it could not hurt
my kids..
Not until the damage
of another failure
would not be so drastic..
not anytime this decade
possibly this lifetime!

I was sure-
I have dated here and there-
and it has affirmed
my beliefs..
it has left me content
alone..
it has confirmed
that maybe no-one
will love me-completely!
Maybe the 'one' is not
out there..
or there is just not 'one'
for me!

And then..
today-
I realized..
I do not trust!
My trust does not belong
to a man..
a good man will be willing
to earn it!
My trust does not even
belong so much
to me..
my emotions make
me impulsive
and prone to self- destruction,
my trust
belongs to my God.

I have faith..
and yet,
I am looking at this
aspect of my life-
despite it!
As if;
I can trust in every area
and ignore this one!

and so...
I let go!
I stop assuming!
I stop deciding!
I may marry..
I may not!
but, I purpose to believe
that anything is possible!
That love is good!
That marriage is
beautiful..
and that maybe
whats out there,
will be worth
every moment
of learning to trust again!

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