The un spoken understanding between broken hearts...

When I speak to people
about my pain
these past few years..
some get it..
some feel it on my behalf...
some sympathize...
some listen..
some help...
but only some
Speak the language of a broken heart!
A language that is learned
through pain and brokenness
a language that can not be translated
only understood...
a language that takes but a moment in time to learn
and a lifetime to learn to live with..
and yet the beauty in this language
is that if you have learned it..
you have also learned to speak it with strength,
you have learned that this new language of hurt
does not define you..
and you have learned that speaking this language
allows you to understand
the heart to heart communication
from someone whose heart is breaking still..
it is a language of loss...
but it will become a language of love.

Happy Birthday to my Middle child and oldest daughter

Today is the tenth birthday
of my Daughter!
She is an amazing child.
She is passionate
and talkative.
She is funny
and sassy.
She is such a helper
and has a giving heart.
She wants to change the world,
and has already changed my life.
She is a blessing
and she is my heart!
Happy birthday my Shyla!
I love you-
mom

what makes it so hard sometimes?

the reality is that being a single mom (parent) IS hard!!
I have been a single mom now for almost a year...alone!
While my divorce happened just over 3 years ago,
the first year was spent with my parents..
the next in a- Hell on earth- marriage..
and so now, I am doing it alone!
And while I still, daily, feel grateful
that I am no longer being hurt and trampled on emotionally..
the reality is sometimes
I feel the weight of what it is to do this by myself..

My kids!
I want to be a great mother!
and yet, I have just a few hours a day
and every other weekend..
to be that 'great mom'.
So, if I am tired
or they are fighting
or I am distracted..
poof...that times gone..
and in its place the regret and guilt
that my time was not managed better!

My bills..
I hate to even go here..
I would rather bury my head in the sand..
BUT, I was out of the work place for 10 years...
I never went to college...
I married young and just wanted to be a wife and mom...
I love my job now...
would love to do it forever!
BUT, financially, I struggle sometimes to keep my head above water!
and I think this is an aspect that is SO hard for single moms!
We are ALL grown up!
We were used to a certain way of life..
not necessarily an excessive way of life..
BUT most likely comfortable..
and then you find your self, often, in a lifestyle that is no longer even 'comfortable'...
and adjusting to living that way..
is not easy!!
and adds to the stress..
and then there are all the EXTRAS...
the house,
the yard,
the car,
the trash,
the holidays,
the school events,
and , of course, work!..
then there are the 'talks'
the S*X talks with the preteens..
the no drinking and drug talks..
the peer pressure talks..
the daughters whose friends are BFFs one day and mortal enemies the next..
the homework...
the school projects....
then the extra curricular activities
and church....

then there is the 'split family'
the different rules in the two different homes...
the split holidays..
and shared family times and events!
its endless...

and when you look at all that falls on you...
even when the other parent is in the picture,
as my childrens father is..
and its overwhelming!!

and so, know how BIG it is..
realize this is not a small feat!
as a single mom you have gone from
a helping income, if you worked at all,
to the only income!
and even with child support,
it can be hard to make ends meet!
You have gone from security
to a very shaky foundation,
you have downsized, most likely,
your home..
your income..
your assets...
your friends...
your lifestyle..
and you have up sized
your pressure
and your responsibility!

IT will be OK
BUT, the reality is scary sometimes..
and sometimes you need to build in the times
to face what is...
grieve what was..
and be better prepared for whats to come!