single bucket list in progress....

Last summer I stared a single bucket list,
things I want to do
with or without that special someone.
I crossed a few things off...

1) Salsa lessons
2) Self defense- learned to shoot a gun!
3) Cooking classes- changed my mind!:-)
4) Painting class- found the teacher..its a start!
5) Blond highlights in my hair- done
6) Line dancing- done
7) Loose 5-10 pounds- doing
8) Get a facial
9) Start my book
10) Kayaking or canoeing
11) Weekend camping trip
12) Camp at Disney
13) Take a surfing lesson- does a surfing experience in Miami count?
14) play my guitar- did, and decided not so exciting to me!

And so,
I pulled back out my list!
and decided its time to make things happen!

Kayaking is still on the list.
Now I am adding traitholon.
which means riding a bike.

Will be working on my list..
whats on yours?

Remember when...

Tonight I had a 'flash back'..
to a time when life was NOT content.
I was transported to a memory
which found me
sad, and desperate, and scared.
I remembered what it was to crave
freedom..
and to long to be released.
In that memory,
I also walked through
the strength it took to leave.
The power I had to summon
to face my fears,
and live out my bad dreams.
And what I remembered most?
is that I did it!
I survived!
I overcame!
and now..
life sometimes hurts!
It some times makes me wonder
why?
and when?
and what next?
but, it does not find me hiding..
or cringing..!
so remembering 'when'
helped me to remember that 'now'
I will be OK!
more then ok...!
I have faced worse and survived.
this?
piece of cake!

fearless...

Fearless in love,
what does that mean...
how does that look?

The last time I was fearless..
I was seventeen.
16 years later
I had to reevaluate if my lack of fear
had paid off.
What I knew
is that now fear of being hurt
must be my friend;
and partner!

And yet still..
despite caution
I found myself trapped..
cornered...
panting for air..
desperate to run...
crying for escape.

hunted.
shaking.
hidden.
searching.
hurt.
scared.
haunted.
secluded.

fear was no longer a choice.
fear was demanded by the lifeline
of my very being.
fear became the casing wrapped around my heart!
fear became the mantra of my soul.
fear became my battle cry.
the blood pumping through my heart
whispered 'be cautious' as it flowed.
the rhythm of my heart,
beat to the timing
of a warrior chant.

fear was my saving grace...
protecting me from what was.
but also keeping me from what might be...

Until I fell in love.
Now fear has turned a corner.
No longer do I fear a forever..
or a deception.
or that I am missing a puzzle piece.

Instead I fear a lifetime of not taking a chance.
I fear missing moments that I might never get back.
I fear living without truly living at all.
GREATER then my fear of getting my heart broken..
is my fear of not letting my heart
know true wholeness and complete love.
No longer is the scariest thing
the strength of my feelings...
and all that could go wrong;
but rather living a lifetime
never knowing what my heart
is truly capable of giving
and accepting in return.

And so..
I have begun to let the fear go..
I have stepped into the feelings and emotions
and let my heart soar.
I have stopped adding 'but' or 'if' or 'maybe'
to the end of my sentences....
I have opened my heart
and given completely of me.
I have decided to take the chance
that was handed to me..
and I have accepted the odds.

I am standing on the edge of the precipice
of fearlessness,
knowing as I dive off the cliff..
I will never look back.

A free fall
into a forever
that will never look the same again.