relect..live..reflect..laugh..reflect..love

I am at the beach..
Last night both of my sisters
were here.
Tonight just my youngest.
This is a first for us..
we are a close family
but tend to be together as a group.
We are learning to take these times
alone.

I have spent several moments
of my time here
walking on the beach..
sometimes alone,
and sometimes in the company of my sisters.

My youngest sister does not talk much..
she walks and collects shells,
leaving me to my thoughts.

At the beach there are so many!
Every footprint I make in the sand
holds memories and hurts,
smiles and laughter.
The footprints reach straight from the ground
and leave imprints on my heart.

I have spent summers at the beach..
all my life.
as a child..
as a newlywed..
as a new mother...
as a broken hearted wife..
as a more seasoned mom..
and now as a content,
although slightly harried,
single woman.

If the shells could speak...
what they might share!

As I look back
I will always remember!
Life passes so quickly!
The good and the bad.
There was moments I wish I could have back.
There are moments I wish I could erase.
There are moments that made me stronger.
and moments that brought me to my knees!

Somehow it now has become
just a part of who I am.
I still reflect and remember,
but it does not hurt like it did.
And as I reflect on the now,
there is much I could do...
much I could be..
much more I hope to become.

But, overall the feeling in the air around me,
the way the wind swirls around my head,
and the ocean moves beneath my feet...
all add to the central state of being
that is mine;
and that feeling is contentment!!

Much to come!
Much to do!
BUT so much to just live thankfully within!

Just like that..it all turns around

Its funny how you can feel like
you are climbing up a hill..
like you might never get to the top!
and all of a sudden
you are there!
beautiful view..
clean air
and you look back and wonder
what took you so long?

This past few years has held many moments
of climbing the hill...
many moments of standing on the top...
and many moments of finding myself sliding
head first down to the bottom!

Today however,
I am standing at the top!!!!
In an amazing, God ordained turn of events..
before I really had my time to get my feet wet
in the job hunt;
I received an email about a job!
I showed up with resume in hand..
was scheduled for an interview this morning-
and left with a perfect job!!

A job that will allow me
to drop my kids off at school
and pick them up!
A job that allows me to do what I love;
teach!
A job that will help me get my degree!
A job that allows me to provide!!!

I really feel like crying!!
Its good tears
but also pent up tears...
tears that have been waiting to fall
but I was scared that if I let myself cry;
I may never stop!

Now they want to fall..
but there will be an end!
There is such relief
and excitement..
and relief!!
Did I mentioned how relieved I feel??

So, this day ends on a wonderful note..
and one week from now
I start a new phase in my life
and take the next step
in this remarkable journey;
called life!!

Why alone feels so different then..not alone...

So, its time..
I am on the hunt for a job.
Summers are good for me
as I can survive and thrive
and enjoy the time with my kids.

But, August is on the way!

I try not to feel nervous.
I know that I can manage for a bit!
I know that we will not starve...
and I know that I will not loose my place to live!
I am luckier then most!
But, still!

Facing joblessness
alone-single-as a mother
takes on a whole new meaning.
I know in a couple things can get VERY tight.
But, in a solo led family
YOU ARE IT!
and if you drop this ball,
there is no one coming behind you to pick it up!

I was raised very traditionally!
My father worked!
My mother raised us!
I married into a traditional marriage!
My husband worked!
I raised the kids!

So this has opened my eyes to both sides
of this coin.
No matter what the future brings
I will always understand deeply
the pressure of being the breadwinner!

But, the present is here...
and the process
of pounding the pavements has begun.
With it the fear of rejection
and the excitement that comes
with new experiences!

And always-
that little part of me,
that has to keep pressing forward
so I do not look back!
So I do not evaluate why I am here!
and how different things might have been.

Its a reminder that perspective
comes easily when waters are clear...
but when they get muddy and sticky and bog you down,
your perspective can sometimes get cloudy too!

So here is to a new day!
new hope!
and clear vision!

Life being hard in the moment
does not change the promise and hope
that the future now holds!