fearless...

Fearless in love,
what does that mean...
how does that look?

The last time I was fearless..
I was seventeen.
16 years later
I had to reevaluate if my lack of fear
had paid off.
What I knew
is that now fear of being hurt
must be my friend;
and partner!

And yet still..
despite caution
I found myself trapped..
cornered...
panting for air..
desperate to run...
crying for escape.

hunted.
shaking.
hidden.
searching.
hurt.
scared.
haunted.
secluded.

fear was no longer a choice.
fear was demanded by the lifeline
of my very being.
fear became the casing wrapped around my heart!
fear became the mantra of my soul.
fear became my battle cry.
the blood pumping through my heart
whispered 'be cautious' as it flowed.
the rhythm of my heart,
beat to the timing
of a warrior chant.

fear was my saving grace...
protecting me from what was.
but also keeping me from what might be...

Until I fell in love.
Now fear has turned a corner.
No longer do I fear a forever..
or a deception.
or that I am missing a puzzle piece.

Instead I fear a lifetime of not taking a chance.
I fear missing moments that I might never get back.
I fear living without truly living at all.
GREATER then my fear of getting my heart broken..
is my fear of not letting my heart
know true wholeness and complete love.
No longer is the scariest thing
the strength of my feelings...
and all that could go wrong;
but rather living a lifetime
never knowing what my heart
is truly capable of giving
and accepting in return.

And so..
I have begun to let the fear go..
I have stepped into the feelings and emotions
and let my heart soar.
I have stopped adding 'but' or 'if' or 'maybe'
to the end of my sentences....
I have opened my heart
and given completely of me.
I have decided to take the chance
that was handed to me..
and I have accepted the odds.

I am standing on the edge of the precipice
of fearlessness,
knowing as I dive off the cliff..
I will never look back.

A free fall
into a forever
that will never look the same again.

Learning to fall....

I am learning that falling

is easy..

its the landing thats scary!

What will be waiting when you get there..

will the landing be soft?

or will it leave you broken and bruised?

will the landing be followed

by a journey,

or will the journey

end with the fall?

and yet, of all the aspects
of the ride,

the fall can be the prettiest..

the most graceful..

the biggest rush!

It's the scariest..

the most thrilling...

the part of the ride with the

fewest guarantees..

but, if by chance..

the fall

is the beginning

of something

that you have yet to even imagine;

you may not be falling;

you may actually be learning

how to fly!

a rational risk..

so once again..
I face the end of what was..
the beginning of something new
that is still
yet to come.

For no sinister reason..
no unkind exchange..
no spite or malice:
just life-
just timing-
just:
not for us.

And yet,
no matter the reason..
it hurts!
The loss of HOPE,
the missing of what WAS
or might have been.
the acceptance
of heading out THERE again.

I had almost forgotten
how a heart ache could feel..
almost!

But, I have learned
that the heart never forgets!
A small bump,
a severing cut,
a painful bruise...
after a while it all feels the same!

The hurt travels
down a familiar path-
no rhyme or reason
and no reprieve!
The mind can gain an ability
to be objective
that the heart never does!

I have hurt before..
I have certainly lived through
my own personal hell..
of heart break and loss!
the loss of hope is sad
but not devastating!
a set back, disapointment
or bump in the road- is just that!

Could someone mention
that to my heart?
please?