Allow me to fail...

There is so much I have
learned
these past 5 years..
but one of the greatest
lessons,
is that each person
must face their personal hurt
and deal with it-
their way!

As I watch friends face
similar circumstances..
I see all the different
ways
we have dealt with it!!
I also watch
a friend,
who is facing something
I cannot imagine
and know,
that there is no manual
for deep grief.

I have made some choices
I would make differently,
I have made some choices
I would make the same way again!

Some things
I am still learning,
some things I am still
messing up!
But, sometimes
the only way I learn
is by trying-
no matter the outcome!

Sometimes I want to date,
and sometimes I am perfectly OK
alone...
always I hope that it will JUST happen..
but sometimes I wonder if thats reality!

Sometimes I feel lonely,
sometimes I enjoy the freedom...
always I remember how I got here-
and sometimes I remind myself
that this is where I am meant to be!

Sometimes I feel I have found my place,
sometimes I wonder if I will ever
find 'the one'..
always I know that contentment starts in me-
and sometimes I am sure that it is enough!

Sometimes I save,
sometimes I spend..
always I live in the moment..
and sometimes I plan for the moment that has
not yet arrived.

Sometimes I fail,
Sometimes I thrive,
always I try..
and Sometimes I am sure that the best
is yet to come!!

and sometimes
I wonder if this is it!?
Is this the best?
and then I know..
that maybe it is!
and I also know..
that THIS is more than OK!
This is my LIFE!
This is exactly where I want to be!

Going it alone....

So much of being a single mom..
is something that I now
take in stride!!

I have come to be comfortable
taking the kids on vacation..
or just off for the day!
I am managing the running
around..
and getting everyone where
they are meant to be.

I still find some of it hard-
when there is an issue
that I wish I had immediate help-
I now wait until a good time
to call their dad..
versus walk into the other room
to talk to him.
Sometimes meeting 3 children's
emotional needs
is overwhelming..
But, I take each moment
one at a time!

However, the hardest part
is managing all the physical
aspects
of running a home!
Its not just the inside..
its the outside..
its the car..
the shed...
the garden...
the patio..
You name it!
If its in the home-
out of the home-
parked in the driveway-
breathing within, out, or near
your home..
YOU are responsible!!

And add to that..
that if one has an area of weakness
there is noone
to balance that out!
So whether you are organized,
disorganized, a neat freak, a slob...
its ALL you..
That is sometimes
where the true stress comes in..
no-one to take an area
because they are better at that than you!

And so..
it is what it is!
I have a lot to manage
and I do what I can..
some of it well...
and some not so much!!

Accepting
that its too much for one person,
is a start!
And accepting that
what I do-
is enough!
Its all I have!
its just what it should be!

Full circle...

3 years after a major crisis..
5 years after loosing the only
life I knew..
I have finally begun to reclaim
what was!

For years I knew I was
'surviving'..
and then I knew I was thriving!
but, within what my present held;
little resembled my past..

I was managing well
as a single mom.
I was making my kids
my priority...
doing well at my job...
balancing home
and activities!

But, there were areas
that I was just keeping
my head above water!
Sometimes
letting the kids eat on the couch
or on the go..
sometimes
eating left overs
over and over...
doing things for them
they could do..
carrying it all alone.

slowly..
I have begun to reclaim!
slowly
meals came back to the table..
chores were implemented..
help insisted on!
I have decided to love cooking-
or at least tolerate it!
I have changed the times of
extra curricular
activities
to better suit family dinners!

I am finding the step
beyond thriving...
I am reclaiming
the parts of my life
that I loved..
I am relearning
what that looks like alone..
and I am redefining
my purpose,
one moment at a time!

Things I have learned the hard way...

The last several years
of my life,
have held many lessons!
And so many
of them,
have been taught
through heartache..
some through smiles-
most through some event
that changed the shape
of my heart!

I have learned patience!
I have been alone
a while..
I am OK
with that!
I might fall in love..
I might not!
Sometimes I wish..
sometimes not so much!
I can wait for whats right!

I have learned self sufficiency..
I enjoy the people around me,
my friends matter...
I like to be social-
but, I can be isolated
and survive!
My 'need' is different!

I have learned to love openly..
I have learned how to
truly hug-
how to tell my dearest friends
how much I love
and appreciate them!
I have learned to express
what those in my life
mean to me!
I love without holding back..

I have learned to hurt..
I have come to understand
-in some small way-
the process of sadness..
I know that it must be faced,
and I also trust
that I do not have to fear
the past repeating-
if I confront
and own,
how I got there to begin with!
I have allowed the pain-

I have learned to let go!
There are so many
I have lost in the process!
Dear Friends I have lost touch with..
good friends that time does not allow
for time with..
acquaintances with whom
commonalities are no longer
evident-
I miss people I shared
life times of memories with!
I still hope..
that re-connections will be made..
that life will allow
the time for moments together-
But, I have learned
to allow the end of what was
if that is the only option there is...

The lessons learned
are not all good..
but neither are they bad!
They are lessons
that have helped to shape me
and create the person
I am right now!
There are lessons still to come..
but these-
I can see
and understand!
these..
have become my own!

Perspective...

I am learning to find blessings
even in the clouds.

I have found
that when I see whats good...
it distracts me from what is not!

Sometimes,
Its easy to get caught up
in the negatives..
sometimes
I feel frustrated with my kids..
or my bills..
but, then I try and remember
what I have and what it means!

I have learned that
getting a given a new jacket
for my littlest-
when the old one gets to small-
does not change the fact
that the power bill is high
or the rent due..
Getting blessed
with unexpected food
does not change the fact
that sometimes I feel lonely
and my heart hurts...

but,...
its a reminder!
Its a reminder
that people are good!
That life is to be lived!
That God is in control!

And when its hard..
its the small things-
the gift of a comforter for my daughter..
or new purse for me..
or space heaters for my home..
its those things
that remind me..
that the big things?
they will pass!
It will be OK...
and that God is there!!
To provide, or to carry..
or to comfort!
and that...
is enough!