need ideas...

so its Christmas eve..
some of this days traditions will be easy to 'duplicate'..
and some of tonight will bring me to places and memories
that will hurt...
I would love to replace them..
but with what?

my family has always had a Christmas party for Jesus;
Christmas eve,
I have been doing this with my children since they were babies...
we always give Jesus a gift!
(sometimes a character we will work on, sometimes a commitment we will keep..)
This we will continue..
we go to church..
again, easy to do!
The kids open gifts from each other..
and the 'elves' leave new pajamas under the tree..
all fun traditions that won't change..
then they head to bed excited..

and heres the void...
For the 16 years I was with my ex
Christmas eve was ours!
WE never made it to Christmas morning
with a single present left to open,
so we gave up the fight
and made it our 'tradition'.
presents and grape juice under the tree..
when the kids went to bed!
An evening I cherished for years...

first year he was gone,
I was too numb to feel anything other then the void that life brought..
second year I had remarried and was just trying to survive my circumstances...
last year
I had fled and was alone and sad...
this year..
new year...
new me..
new health..
new balance..
but still a void in the place where the memory used to be..
I hope to find something of mine to do..
something that brings me joy...
and something that starts a new tradition
in spite of the past...
still needing some inspiration
on just what that shall be!