Sticks and Stones...Not!

I hear the phrase so often-
"actions speak louder than words"
and I understand that to most
this is true-
and certainly
to some degree I feel the same.

but, not as much
as one would think!

Words touch my heart
or break it!

When I think over
life changing moments..
the things I remember
are the words that were said!
Not the 'things' I came to know-
or even the things I saw
or experienced...
its the words
that were said to me
about the event at hand..
that left the lasting impression!

If I were to list
the most heartbreaking
aspects of my divorce-
the memories I have
are all things said..
the moments I broke;
were within the sounds-
not the silence.

When I remarried..
what broke me?
the things said to me.
The put downs
and the unkind criticisms..
that carried more weight
than extravagant gestures..
or even the times
spent in peace.

On the flip side...
when kind words are spoken
my heart soars...
talking something out
with someone-
makes me feel close
and connected to them.

This is not always a good trait..
some people use words
as weapons..
some use them at their bidding.
some say them without malice..
and yet they implant in my heart-
with hurt!
for me-
I notice words more than most..
something said as an aside-
will make me wonder and think.
something said in kindness or compliment
will replay in my mind and heart!
something said in anger-
can become a stone in my core.
something said in love..
will keep me holding on,
sometimes beyond reason.

But,it is what it is...
sticks and stones
are preferable..
words;
can make me
or break me!

And now,
as I see this-
I wonder!
am I as careful
with my words?
do I measure them as carefully
as I should-
do I regard them as powerful..
or do I react and just say them..
and pick up the pieces later!?

I hope being more aware
of the effect they have on me..
I will be more aware
of the way I share them
with others!

I hope that knowing how words
change my perceptions-
I will learn to judge in balance..
I will hear the words,
read the tone,
look at the actions-
and begin to
hear beyond the syllables...
and see beyond the definitions.

progress....

I have made progress
in a couple of areas..

One-
I blogged about living
my life..
rather than waiting-
this weekend,
the one I am seeing
had family in town-
I went to a movie
alone last night
(loved it..crazy stupid love)
met a girlfriend for dinner
tonight-
and sat listening to live
music for several hours!
It was nice!
I lived my life..
I did not sit and stew..
or wonder..
or worry..
its a start!
And it felt a lot
better
than waiting around..
just in case!

The other area
of progress
is communication..
I shared what I needed
and it seems to be working!
what a concept..
ask and receive!
:)

And so..
I am still in the process
not really any further..
but not going backwards
quite as often.

dating measured differently...
but, in ways that matter
most.

dating mom...complicated situation

No matter what happens
with this current
'dating situation'
I am in..
I am learning SO much!!

We are two people
with a past!
That's what happens
when you begin dating
at almost 40..
with children
and ex's...

Along with the past-
comes the hurt-
along with the hurt-
comes the fear-
along with the fear-
comes the walls.

All those things
change the way
you date!

I remember dating in my late teens..
the newness
the excitement..
the belief that love was enough.
(it was not.)

Now,
I date as a devoted mother..
who has learned
that love can let you down.
I date a man
who is a father first..
who has learned the same thing.

And so-
I learn!
I learn to talk rather than assume.
I learn that sometimes
things are not what they appear.
I learn that men who have been hurt
are as weary as woman.
I learn that a mans hurt
is a steel wall..
I learn that a woman's hurt
is strong on the outside but buckles
when hope is introduced.
I learn that working it out
is harder than walking away-

Mostly:
I learn that the heart is resilient
but retains the scars..
and has a memory of its own!

I learn!
and no matter
whether this is a few more weeks
or turns into a lifetime;
the lessons
are shaping who I am
in this new stage of healing!