lessons, love,life and living....

So much has happened
in my heart
these past 5 years,
yes. five!

seems huge..
seems long..
seems short..
IS significant.
one month from now,
I celebrate a milestone;
5 years since I ran.

I have learned so much.
I have learned that I can love,
and loose
and hurt
and cry,
I have learned
that I can survive
and work
and provide
and protect...

I have redefined
what love looks like..
I have come to a place
of knowing
that what I want
and what I need
might be different.
What I hope for
is someone who is my 'other half'...
no more. no less.

Life has taught me,
carried me..
sustained me..
and existed beside me.

And through it all..
I live.
I live with tears,
I live with laughter.
I live with grace..
and fears.
I live with strength
and sometimes weakness.

I strive for more,
accept what is;
I look to find the breath
within the moments.
I fail sometimes.
I start over.
I wish sometimes...
I dream sometimes..
I wonder sometimes..
but always I am.
Always I become.
Always I live.

forty,fit'ish', frazzled....fabulous

So..
it happened.
I turned 40!
and I feel...
well..
exactly the same.

However,
as I reflect
I know
that I have come to accept
where I am differently!
I still get tired.
I still get overwhelmed.
but what for some,
would be too much-
for me is every day.
normal.
routine.

recently,
I heard a mom at a ball game
say:
"I am doing the single parent
thing for the week.God HELP ME"
and I remembered
that there was a time,
it would have felt TOO much.
There still are moments
that it IS.
But, no longer do I worry,
or fret,
or wonder if I can truly do this..
face this..
live this..
survive this!

I am thankful
that in reflection
I can see how far I have come.
I can own
how far I have to go.
I can accept that single parenting
and doing life alone,
is hard;
no matter how much love and support
you have!
I can believe that this is just
the start..
and something great is waiting.
and I can focus
on the raw and transparent beauty of my life.

I like who I am..
I am comfortable in my own skin..
I have balance and fun.
I work so very hard..
and I play so very purposefully.
I parent with all I have,
and I love without restraint.

I am forty!
I am fit 'ish'!
I am frazzled!
and it feels Fabulous!

Too much Jade..or the right shade?

Recently..
a date that was 'blah' to me,
ended with an attack of words
on the rejected parties part!

I was told that I am too jaded
to see a good thing!
I will admit..
several men have tried to 'woo' me
over the past few months,
and maybe they all would say the same thing!

BUT

here is what I think!
I am a little jaded.
I do not put too much stock
in the pretty words,
and heady emotions
that tend to start off
a new relationship!
I think its fun,
and allow it the due
it deserves..
but what I put value on,
is the part that is too come!!

The part AFTER the 'puppy love'..
the part BEYOND the 'infatuation!

The moment when this man
who thinks the fact that I burn everything
is adorable at first;
has now experienced it
and decided that while its not as cute
as he thought...
its still OK!
THAT part!!

The part where I have gotten lost
several times
or asked for more communication..
or pouted a little because my feelings are hurt,
or brought home a stray cat, or goat or cow:)
...
and its still OK!

the part that follows the beginning!
The part that precedes forever!

Do I believe in all that?
yes!
Why?
because I have seen it in action!
my parents have loved eachother for 47 years!
I have a sister happily married..
and friends who have found love 'again'.
And bigger then that..
I believe in the perfection of my father above's plan.

So, I am hesistant!
and I am careful!
I do not rush to give my heart
because I know that when I do,
I will give it completely!

but, jaded beyond measure?
no...
smart?
careful?
aware?
yes, yes and yes!

beyond hope?
not on your life!