I have something to admit...

I am a little over it...
a little depressed..
a lot restless..
and slightly aggravated at the pressure
of everyone else's opinion.

It is what it is..
but sometimes
what it is
can become more pressure
than what it is not!!

As I try and figure out
where the feelings are coming from-
I believe that the core
is the utter and complete responsibility
always on my shoulders..
maybe a little like a man,
who hits mid life and buys a sports car..
just for a release from the pressure.

As I spoke to a friend about balance
last night..
I looked at my life
and it is so weighted towards
'the heavy'..
paying the bills,
working to provide,
getting a better education
to provide more..
raising kids (of course)...

All aspects I take seriously-

The time that is left also
holds 'responsibility'..
cooking meals, cleaning my home, doing laundry;
all things that must happen.

then there are the parenting aspects-
taking my kids to and from games,
running them to the library,
and other activities..
The good stuff is not pressure..
the movie nights and chats.
The moments we all share life!
Those are the windows in time
that fuel the rest.
But, much of parenting
is doing the right thing!
Overseeing the homework..
holding them responsible for choices..
Being a Mom-
when being a friend is more appealing!

The theory that this should be 'it'...
..my main focus-my only focus...
makes me feel like I am under water!
I love my life...
I love my kids..
I love my job...
I sometimes want to just enjoy!

The restlessness I am feeling
is a life weighted
in the direction of what must be done..
a restlessness so many feel!

The solution lies
in a positive remedy!
Not sure yet
what that will be...
self destructive choices are not an option-
I am a mom always..
whether with my kids or not!
but, something..
something that will hold my mind
captive for moments..
something that for a moment
will let me feel
like a young woman,
with a full life ahead..
rather than a woman,
who carries so much alone-
with what feels like a lifetime
of lessons
already lived.

It is just where I am now...
it is not where I will be for long.
recognizing where the feelings come from
and looking for an answer..
is what defines a life resigned
from a life reclaimed!