An unthinkable pain...

2 days ago
one of my dearest friends,
lost her 14 year old son.

Life has taken on
new perspective.

The hurt is so deep.
To watch someone
I love
go through something
so terrible..
is beyond words!
To miss a young man
whose spirit touched so many..
so difficult!
To grasp how fragile and out
of our control,
our children's lives really are...
so frightening!

It still feels surreal..
A nightmare!

This friend...
is one of the best people I know!
She is a wonderful mother
of 5 children.
She has been an incredible friend!
A support and love
during hard times in my life.
And as she faces this
dark, dark hour..
I feel helpless!

The only peace is found
within our faith..
Hers, her sons..
mine!
The comfort held within
our fathers arms
is all there is to share.

My heart grieves
for all the hurt
and my mind is struggling to grasp it...

I wish...
I wish...
I wish...
oh, that it might
make a difference!

How did I miss that?

three years ago
my life changed...
three years and 4 days ago
to be exact..

I left a situation
that needed leaving..
but it took more courage
then I knew I possesed!

It was a very traumatic
event in my life..
it was lonely
and scary!

For the first year after
I left..
I knew to the day
how long it had been!
On any given day I could tell you;
I left 3 months and 4 days ago..
10 months and 9 days ago..

Than came year two..
I no longer knew to the day,
but I always knew to the month!
1 year and 3 months!
1 year and 9 months..

and then came the next year..
2 years plus...
and I had to count to know
how long it had been!
2 years and..ummm...let me think!
But, on the 21st day of every month
I always seemed to remember..
and yet some how the 3rd anniversary passed
and I did not give it a thought!
not until 2 days later
when I realized with a start
that the 3 year mark had come and gone!

That was the moment
I knew
I really was OK!
The moment
I knew
that I no longer
remembered!

The ability to forget
took time..
and was hard earned!
but,
it happened!

Forgetting never felt so right!

What hurts the most...

Over this past year
I have dated!
Not a lot..
but enough.
Some first dates..
a few seconds..
2 short term relationships...
and 1 whirlwind disaster.

Almost every time..
I have walked away!
sometimes quickly,
some times after a few dates..
some times a few months..
but, its been me
or mutual!

This past time-
he disappeared!
I suspect why;
but there was not the basic respect
of letting me know!
and while
it was a short lived romance,
of sorts..
it has really gotten to me!

As I was driving
and wondering
why I could not just forget it..
Why his false words
still play in my mind..
Why I relive my words
and actions..
wondering what I might have done?
why, knowing
how wrong the match
was...
I still feel the kick in the gut?

Then I realized;
its the rejection!
No matter the reason,
no matter the length...
he walked away!
He rejected
even the chance..
that is what hurts!
Add to that..
the lack of closure,
which for me
is VERY difficult....
and its sitting on my heart!

Realizing what it is
helps..
it lessons the hold.
Accepting
that rejection is part of the process
helps a bit too..
and remembering
that the shoe has been on the other foot
aids a little!

And so,
I will pick my esteem back off the floor...
and remember
that who I am
is enough..
and remind myself
that his perception is only his reality-
not mine...
and I shall stop moping
over hurt feelings...
get back out of my cave
and move on!

Not easy...
but needed!

Happy Thanksgiving...

Yesterday...
as I was feeling
a tug of hurt in my heart-
I glanced across the school
parking lot
and saw my children walking towards me!
In that moment all was right!
and I knew
deep within me..
that it is enough!

I love my kids!
I am so blessed by the life I lead!
My children make me smile..
and they make me weep!
They encourage me
and they exhaust me!
They inspire me,
and they test me,
THEY are my heart!
and today..
I am thankful
that I was chosen to be their mom!

I am thankful to a God
who knew
my deep desire
to mother children,
and who granted that wish!

I am thankful
that my children and I
have learned to be whole..
and that the fracturing
no longer feels so significant!

This thanksgiving...
I am thankful
for many of the 'names' I carry...
Daughter, sister, friend, teacher...
but, most of all...
MOM!

Not so easy...

So I have not blogged in a few weeks..
and boy what a few weeks it has been!

A first date..
that would have led to a second-
then a surprise encounter
that led to a 'fairy tale' exchange..
and then
CRASH!

Seems fairy tale is not all
its cracked up to be...
when its starts in a whirlwind..
you tend to land with a BUMP!

So..
here we go again!
2 years no dating..
and now;
1 year in to the dating game
and I am feeling weathered and bruised!

I have resolved to never date again..
we shall see! :-)

As I faced the frustration
and disappointment...
and I understood that I did not really
fall for a person..
but for the hope
and possibility....
When I landed with a thump..
I than took a breath!

I can now reflect!
I can learn!
I can grow!

But, in the process
I shall also
quite possibly just give up!
Because really...
there is NOTHING easy
about risking anything..
when you know what it feels
to loose it all!

Back to my cave I go!:)

I admit it...

I want the fairy tale!!

That is why I over analyze.

I understand that there will be
compromise!
I understand that no one person
is perfect!
I understand that flexibility
is important.

BUT I want the real deal!
It does not have to be
love at first sight..
it does not have to be
heart pumping
butterflies and romance,
but, it must be
something special!

There is no reason
for it not to be!
I have no reason to settle
for the sake of companionship
so..
why settle for less
then I hope?

And so,
I admit!
I want a movie style ending..
even if its a harry met sally sort of script!

and so...
I will keep reading
the plays..
listening to the lines...
watching the characters
take on their personas..
and I will wait
for my role of a lifetime!

Over Think...Over analyze...Over it...

So,
I over analyze everything!
My friends tease me about it..
and its true!

If I meet a man
and he is too young..
I pick it apart!
I convince myself it will never
work...
If he is too old?
worse...
same thing!
I have the end in sight
before I have experienced
the beginning!
If he is my age...
I assume he is not ready to grow up!
I see the midlife crisis
in his near future!

If he has been married
I analyze the divorce.
If he has kids;
his parenting style compared to mine..
if he has never been married
I wonder why..

Is it any wonder
that I rarely date?
I have analyzed the relationship
to death
before the second date-
and I am sure
it will never work!!!
so, of course..
it does not!

No hurry...
No regrets..

But, maybe
its time..
to stop predicting the future
and rather take a chance
in the present...
who knows,
maybe I will enjoy the ride!

My heart....

Tomorrow
My oldest daughter-
my middle child..
turns 12.

tomorrow-
I shall wish my child
a happy birthday!
I shall remember the first time
I held her in my arms!
I will think of her first words,
and her first tantrum.
I will go back in time
to when we cuddled at night
and when only my kiss
could heal her hurts!
I will reflect on her beauty,
her strength, her worth!
I will marvel
at this young lady
who has faced so much
and overcome it all with grace!
I will feel blessed
to be her mother!
I will thank the Lord
for every moment..
and I will pray for a lifetime more
to watch her grow!

Happy Birthday Shyla!
I love you!

settle for more...

Being alone
has its perks..
it also has its down falls!

However,
the reality is that
I am OK.
I do not have a lot...
but I have enough.
I have my kids.
I have my home.
I have friends.
I have hobbies.

I need little..
so settling for less
is not an option.

If I do move forward,
if I do meet someone..
if I enter into a relationship;
it will be because
the relationship
brings more to my life
than is there now.

it will be more
than fun and companionship-
I have that in friends
and family.

it will be security,
it will be contentment,
it will be stability,
it will be trust,
it will be respect.
it will be something
that I cannot bring to the table alone..

and than I will settle..

until than..
less is more!