dating..or lack of it...

So I gave up on line dating..
it works...
for some!
It certainly
kept me busy...
dinners out; here and there!
but, ultimately..
the investment of time-
the lack of true
'connections'...
the exhausting process
of starting from scratch-
just did me in!

And so..
for the last several months
I have been dateless!
and some times
I miss the hope!
And always
I yearn for the possibility...
but mostly
I accept where I am.

Whenever I wonder..
if maybe,
I should actually look harder..
should get out more..
reconsider my options-
lower my expectations...
I remember
that settling for less
than is right for me,
is not an option!

and so..
I keep on
keeping on!
Living single..
enjoying life..
not waiting for the next stage-
just wondering
what might possibly
be waiting for me!

The new LOOK of alone time..

I still remember
the days
when my family was intact..
my days were filled
with kids,
and home,
and family..
and there were times that I longed
for some time alone!

I would imagine
all the things that I might do-
browsing in bookstores,
rambling slowly through cobbled streets,
wandering in and out of stores,
reading my book in the park..

NOW, I get to do those things!
I have more alone time than
I did then..
and yet now..
my non-alone time
is so intense..
so exhausting..
so solitary..
that when the alone time
comes..
it takes time
just to reach the place
of breathing!

Some how,
when you have no choice
but to do all those
things alone,
they do not seem quite
as alluring as they did
before.

And so
alone time looks different-
its still refreshing-
its still needed..
its no longer as unique
and sometimes
its unwelcome...
but, its mine
and it matters!

accepting

I will admit...
there is an aspect of my divorce
that has taken me
years to truly accept...

And that is,
that I am REALLY alone
in this!!

Not completely..
as I have family and friends-
but from a 'partnership perspective'
I am alone.

I realized recently
that I have held onto ties..
not love,
or attraction..
not hopes or illusions...
instead-
I have held to the
'we are in this together'
emotion.
and yet-
unless its about the kids-
we are not!
That is not wrong!
That is not ugly
on either of our parts-
that is divorce!

Divorce ends what was!
but, sometimes
when what was
is all you know..
when what was
took so much time to build..
when what was
was one of the deepest
friendships you thought
you had...
its hard to end that.

I had allowed myself
to believe
that the 'friendship' was still there,
because I was not ready
to let go.

Now I am able to see
the reality of what is!
A good,amicable, parenting partnership.
But, as we let others in..
as life moves on; as it will..
that's all we are meant to be!
That's all we should expect-
can expect!

And finally,
I understand
that I was holding on
to the hope
that I did not have to accept-
that I am really doing life
alone!

As always,
understanding the emotions
that hold us captive..
is the key to acceptance..
acceptance is the key
to truly getting healthy
and whole.

step by step by step...

I have had it all...

Today,
I realized that I do
hope to love again!
I do want to experience
the butterfly's
and the newness of romance.

BUT
if I live out my life
and that does not happen
I am OK!

Not only because
I am settled in who I am,
but also because I can look
back and know
that I have loved that way!
I had the high school romance!
The flowers, the love letters..
I fell in love heart and soul,
and I know what that feels like!

I also learned
how falling out of love
feels,
and what a broken heart looks
like!
That I could have lived with out!

but, never will I wonder
what it feels like to love!
What giving yourself
to another looks like..

What I hope to one day
know..
is that feeling completely!
Mutually!
Without walls!

But, regardless
of the way my life goes...
I can live without regrets-
because I have learned to cherish
the memories,
rather then resent the circumstances!

I can look forward to a future-
because I understand and accept
what I see in the past!

I can accept the NOW-
anticipate the WHEN-
and appreciate the THEN!

Good place to be!

To trust or to hide....

I have tried marriage..

it hurt!
it failed..
it left me broken
and afraid of love..
and than I tried it again!
it tore me
from the inside out..
it taught me to fear..
it left me afraid to try again!

And so it goes..

I decided
that I would not marry again..
not for years!
Not until it could not hurt
my kids..
Not until the damage
of another failure
would not be so drastic..
not anytime this decade
possibly this lifetime!

I was sure-
I have dated here and there-
and it has affirmed
my beliefs..
it has left me content
alone..
it has confirmed
that maybe no-one
will love me-completely!
Maybe the 'one' is not
out there..
or there is just not 'one'
for me!

And then..
today-
I realized..
I do not trust!
My trust does not belong
to a man..
a good man will be willing
to earn it!
My trust does not even
belong so much
to me..
my emotions make
me impulsive
and prone to self- destruction,
my trust
belongs to my God.

I have faith..
and yet,
I am looking at this
aspect of my life-
despite it!
As if;
I can trust in every area
and ignore this one!

and so...
I let go!
I stop assuming!
I stop deciding!
I may marry..
I may not!
but, I purpose to believe
that anything is possible!
That love is good!
That marriage is
beautiful..
and that maybe
whats out there,
will be worth
every moment
of learning to trust again!