all on me...

I am beginning to understand
that the saying
'if mama ain't happy, ain't no-one happy'
is based in a deep truth!

The temperament of my home
is better then its been in ages.
My children are secure and content!
They are happy and at peace!
Yes, they squabble
Yes, they sass
Yes, they have less then perfect moments!
BUT, the basic heartbeat of the home is happy!

And yet,
only one thing has changed!!!
ME!!
I realized that I was on edge
and that I was irritable
and that I was causing frustration in the kids...
and so, several weeks ago
I sat them down!
I asked their forgiveness for my failings!
I asked them their needs and hopes..
I heard their hearts!
and I made the changes!
Some were easy,
they wanted our home life post-divorce
to resemble our home life pre-divorce!
They still want family movie night
and family game night!
So, we put it on the calender..
and added our own..ice cream night!!
Some were harder,
they want me to hear them even when we disagree.
Understandable,
but not always easy when you are dealing with preteen drama!
But I committed to do my best,
and they committed to honor my authority even when I do not do what they wish I would!
I am the mom....end of story!
BUT I love them dearly and respect them and will show them this!
We wrote a family covenant...
and we started fresh!
So simple!
Yet, what an impact!
I took a stand for them,
that sometimes means not as much time for me...
and I have received the 'payoff' ten fold!

I have also realized more then ever...
the impact I have as their mother!
The home we live in
will reflect the tone I set!
What a load to carry..
and what an honor to be the one who can!!

A different kind of heartbreak.. for mothers everywhere

I had my heart broken today...
but this heart break is not because of a lost love.
This is because of a love so deep and true
and a truth that I cannot avoid.

I have a son...
he is amazing!
We all know our kids are special..
we all remember all their firsts...
and we know they were meant to be ours!

This son of mine...
is different!
He does not flow....
He cannot connect...
and my heart hurts!

My son is so smart!
He has always been a little different in that way!
I have 2 bright daughters!
but my son,
was different...
reading at 2...
Knowing things by 14 months that most learn at 3..
BUT he did not make eye contact!!

He knew how to spell his name by 18 months...
but made a funny humming sound when I read to him...

As he grew, I noticed some things...
but not others!
He was always more to himself.
Never very talkative..
He has always been a 'reader'...
But it took someone else to point out
his 'monotone' voice.
He truelly reminds some of forest Gump
and in a nice way..
he just is who he is.

he has a lisp..
but worse...
he has ticks!
When he gets stressed,
he hums, or blinks, or licks his lips..

But, he is beautiful and intelligent and kind..
but different...
The DR. said it was 'geek' syndrome.
he does think in a different realm..
(and yes I was offended)
But, I am watching him grow..
he is almost 12
and I know its something more!

My son does not flow!
He is out of synch with his world!
and as he gets older
and friends get picky...
I watch him and know
he is lonely!
and as I write
the tears drop onto the keyboard
because I cannot fix this
and in my heart I know..
and have always known..
that something is
Different!

Today, I watched him at a school outing
I watched him ignored
and invisible...
I watched him hurt
and I knew that he needed me
to be his companion
and so often I am!
So often I know
that I am his mom
but I am also his only friend!
and I know that I see in him
traits that no-one else does
unless they try!

When he tries to connect
in his out of synch way
he is awkward or rude or sullen
and yet I know
that he holds small animals
with a tenderness that alot of 11 year old boys would not...
I know that he opens doors
and gives up his seats for ladies...
I know he will not take the last of ANYTHING
if he thinks I might want it!...
I know he has a heart of gold
but does not know how to express it!
I know that this child of mine
was meant for me...
I know that I love him in the deepest recesses of my soul
and would take this burden from him...
I know that his quirks
have kept me up nights
as I want to save him from hurts
and bullies....
I know that I want nothing less
then a world that sees him as I do
and I know
that he is different...

and right in this moment
as much as I love him
for who he is..
and accept him..
and adore him...
my heart is breaking....

I have lost 2 men...
I have hurt deeply...
but in this moment
hurting for my son....
my soul is torn to pieces
my heart is black with grief...


But I know the story does not end here..
As I think of the holiday this week;
and all it signifies
and know there is one
who watched his son hurt
and watched his son bullied
and knew his son had a burden to bear.
I know there is one who can handle my hurt,
and who can care for my son..
better then I can...
and I know that I have no other options
but to let go and let God.


Dear Heavenly father..
please watch out for my son
please father I commit him into your hands....
I cannot do this alone!