I have lost so much to be thankful for...

its the time of year
when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for...
in my life there is so much!
BUT much came at a price.
I cannot reflect on what I have
without thinking in moments
of what I have lost...

I have my children..
I lost their father...
The moments around turkey with family
will always hold an empty spot..
17 thanksgivings with someone..
and the chair they sat in will always seem theirs..
and yet...
4th thanksgiving without
and it does not hurt ...
there is a twinge..
but, I can wish him well..
This year I will even pick the kids up
at his families
and see his mom
and sisters
for the first time
since he left!
and I am ready....
for that I am thankful!

I have a home..a roof over my head...
I lost the home my children grew from babies to children in..
the home that had hand prints on walls..
height measuring lines in their bedrooms..
and pink counters in the kitchen.
The home I held thanksgiving in...
and entertained my family at...
This year,
our 'home' is just ours!
There are no memories
that do not belong to the children and I.
There are no rooms that hurt to walk in...
there are no hidden secrets and whispered words
within the foundation of this home..
for that I am thankful.

I have a job...
I lost my role
as stay at home mom...
MY children are now away from me...
8 hours a day...
I am no longer home except
weekends and evenings...
they learn their lessons from teachers and friends..
and I do damage control at home.
This year..
my children have shown they can excel in school.
They have learnt so much
and shown that they can be mature about
what to retain and what not..
I am surrounded by coworkers that I love
and respect...
I face a holiday season
without fear of unemployment..
for this I am thankful...

There is so much in my life that has brought me joy..
and most of these times
have been preceded by a time
that brought great hurt!
But this thanksgiving
while I remember the hurt,
I am so deeply grateful
for the growth
that has come from it!

trust even when things are good?

I used to always believe life was good...
people were good..
and ultimately it would all work out!
these last three years have taught me
that life is hard..
people are not always good...
and sometimes it just does not work out at all!!

It has caused a deficit in my ability to trust..
in anything!
I went from the naive gal who trusted too much..
to the naive gal who is still surprised by life..
yet does not trust at all!!

when I notice it the most
is when things are going good!
Right now is one of those times...
out side sources have been blessing my children and I
in big ways and small ways
and all such important ways!
some of these blessings literally improved our life
by improving the comfort of our home...
some of these blessings have touched my heart
as they are affirming and validating and accepting...
and all of these blessings have left me speechless.

And yet,
My head keeps running to the next stage,
the stage where it gets hard again...
the stage where I might get hurt again...
the stage where I might feel alone again..
and I wonder..
when does the trust return?
not just the trust of men..
but the trust of actions
and people..
the trust that those around that say they love you
and show it..
and follow through...
won't suddenly stop and run and decide you are too much trouble..

I always thought trust was only with in a relationship
and yet through this
I have come to understand that when you have been hurt
learning to trust
is in everything you do..
and every breath that you take..
its in your friendships
and your conversations..
its in your thoughts
and your actions...
learning to trust that you can trust..
and what is...is...
is a much harder process then I ever imagined!

learning to live in the moment...
and accept that this moment is real..
and just feel happy!
Instead of waiting...
for the roof to fall again...
is a task...
BUT, its a task I am glad to face!
Because facing this
means that there are those showing their love..
and daring me to trust...
and so in this moment I start..
in this moment I trust!
Knowing tomorrow I will face the battle again..
and knowing tomorrow I will choose again
to live in my moment..
and trust in this moment...
and eventually I will no longer fear to trust...
I will just once again live
and trust will once more be apart of who I am.

OK..so.... next....

So what do you do when you hit the wall??
you climb it...
what do you do when you are buried under it?
you dig out!

I dug my way out!
Yes, sometimes life stinks!!
Yes, sometimes it is hard!
and I think its OK to cry!
Its OK to take a moment, or an hour, or a day
and feel sad and down!
BUT, the next step is a choice!
Do you stay there?
or do you start digging your way out!
and if the answer is dig out..
then how??

For me,
in this journey,
I have found;
sharing with friends is a big factor in digging out
or climbing over!
sharing with Family, friends, and my facebook and bloggy friends
has had a huge impact on my heart!
Support and encouragement make a huge difference!
BUT, no-one will know you need the support
if you don't tell someone you are drowning!
Yelling "HELP" I cannot do this another moment..
is normally the first step in realizing
you really have what it takes to do this as long as it takes..
because when the answers to your heart cry come back
the encouragement is a balm for your soul,
and a motivator for your attitude
and you will begin to see the light
and feel anxious to get there!
Sharing my heart...
being open about my hurt...
has been the second greatest healer
in my journey from brokeness to wholeness!

The first, is my faith!
The first, is my Lord!
The first is the one who has carried me on his shoulders
and who still has not put me down....

therapy..friendship..and orange juice!

I guess the key is...
what do these three things have in common??
and the answer, of course,
is that they are all good for your heart!

I started counseling today..
a MUST in the journey to healing..
I have been to counselors before..
but ,I speak as if I know..
and I have lived like I know nothing...:)

The key is finding someone who hears
what I know
yet views my choices
and gets that I am trying to live LIKE I know...
But am not completely sure how to do that!

I know that I have been co-dependent..
I know that I have not always stood up for myself..
I know that I have lived in denial..
I know that I can be passive-aggresive
I know that I can wear rose colored glasses...
I know that I deserve a love that is true and real..
I also KNOW that I deserve better then I have received
from those I trusted with my heart......

BUT, how do you take what you know
and turn it into what you do?
How do I teach my girls to stand for who they are..
even if they risk loosing the one
they think they cannot live without?

and so... a new journey starts....
with someone who sees
and gets
that I did not respect myself enough
to take a stand against
what should not have been..
I do not yet understand what that means..
Respect seems like a looming word...
and a definition escapes me..
so maybe that is the place to start...
I think sometimes we feel we 'like' who we are,
and it is just starting to sink in..
that maybe liking someone is not the same
as respecting someone??
maybe I can like who I am without respecting myself????
so much to learn
so much to understand..
so much to be thankful and excited about....

I am excited about the process..
I know this is the next step..
there was surviving...there is continued healing...
and then there is moving on and beyond....
And thats where I am now..
I am moving on...
and I can't wait to get to the beyond!

A different kind of heartbreak.. for mothers everywhere

I had my heart broken today...
but this heart break is not because of a lost love.
This is because of a love so deep and true
and a truth that I cannot avoid.

I have a son...
he is amazing!
We all know our kids are special..
we all remember all their firsts...
and we know they were meant to be ours!

This son of mine...
is different!
He does not flow....
He cannot connect...
and my heart hurts!

My son is so smart!
He has always been a little different in that way!
I have 2 bright daughters!
but my son,
was different...
reading at 2...
Knowing things by 14 months that most learn at 3..
BUT he did not make eye contact!!

He knew how to spell his name by 18 months...
but made a funny humming sound when I read to him...

As he grew, I noticed some things...
but not others!
He was always more to himself.
Never very talkative..
He has always been a 'reader'...
But it took someone else to point out
his 'monotone' voice.
He truelly reminds some of forest Gump
and in a nice way..
he just is who he is.

he has a lisp..
but worse...
he has ticks!
When he gets stressed,
he hums, or blinks, or licks his lips..

But, he is beautiful and intelligent and kind..
but different...
The DR. said it was 'geek' syndrome.
he does think in a different realm..
(and yes I was offended)
But, I am watching him grow..
he is almost 12
and I know its something more!

My son does not flow!
He is out of synch with his world!
and as he gets older
and friends get picky...
I watch him and know
he is lonely!
and as I write
the tears drop onto the keyboard
because I cannot fix this
and in my heart I know..
and have always known..
that something is
Different!

Today, I watched him at a school outing
I watched him ignored
and invisible...
I watched him hurt
and I knew that he needed me
to be his companion
and so often I am!
So often I know
that I am his mom
but I am also his only friend!
and I know that I see in him
traits that no-one else does
unless they try!

When he tries to connect
in his out of synch way
he is awkward or rude or sullen
and yet I know
that he holds small animals
with a tenderness that alot of 11 year old boys would not...
I know that he opens doors
and gives up his seats for ladies...
I know he will not take the last of ANYTHING
if he thinks I might want it!...
I know he has a heart of gold
but does not know how to express it!
I know that this child of mine
was meant for me...
I know that I love him in the deepest recesses of my soul
and would take this burden from him...
I know that his quirks
have kept me up nights
as I want to save him from hurts
and bullies....
I know that I want nothing less
then a world that sees him as I do
and I know
that he is different...

and right in this moment
as much as I love him
for who he is..
and accept him..
and adore him...
my heart is breaking....

I have lost 2 men...
I have hurt deeply...
but in this moment
hurting for my son....
my soul is torn to pieces
my heart is black with grief...


But I know the story does not end here..
As I think of the holiday this week;
and all it signifies
and know there is one
who watched his son hurt
and watched his son bullied
and knew his son had a burden to bear.
I know there is one who can handle my hurt,
and who can care for my son..
better then I can...
and I know that I have no other options
but to let go and let God.


Dear Heavenly father..
please watch out for my son
please father I commit him into your hands....
I cannot do this alone!