Thursday, April 9, 2009

A different kind of heartbreak.. for mothers everywhere

I had my heart broken today...
but this heart break is not because of a lost love.
This is because of a love so deep and true
and a truth that I cannot avoid.

I have a son...
he is amazing!
We all know our kids are special..
we all remember all their firsts...
and we know they were meant to be ours!

This son of mine...
is different!
He does not flow....
He cannot connect...
and my heart hurts!

My son is so smart!
He has always been a little different in that way!
I have 2 bright daughters!
but my son,
was different...
reading at 2...
Knowing things by 14 months that most learn at 3..
BUT he did not make eye contact!!

He knew how to spell his name by 18 months...
but made a funny humming sound when I read to him...

As he grew, I noticed some things...
but not others!
He was always more to himself.
Never very talkative..
He has always been a 'reader'...
But it took someone else to point out
his 'monotone' voice.
He truelly reminds some of forest Gump
and in a nice way..
he just is who he is.

he has a lisp..
but worse...
he has ticks!
When he gets stressed,
he hums, or blinks, or licks his lips..

But, he is beautiful and intelligent and kind..
but different...
The DR. said it was 'geek' syndrome.
he does think in a different realm..
(and yes I was offended)
But, I am watching him grow..
he is almost 12
and I know its something more!

My son does not flow!
He is out of synch with his world!
and as he gets older
and friends get picky...
I watch him and know
he is lonely!
and as I write
the tears drop onto the keyboard
because I cannot fix this
and in my heart I know..
and have always known..
that something is

Today, I watched him at a school outing
I watched him ignored
and invisible...
I watched him hurt
and I knew that he needed me
to be his companion
and so often I am!
So often I know
that I am his mom
but I am also his only friend!
and I know that I see in him
traits that no-one else does
unless they try!

When he tries to connect
in his out of synch way
he is awkward or rude or sullen
and yet I know
that he holds small animals
with a tenderness that alot of 11 year old boys would not...
I know that he opens doors
and gives up his seats for ladies...
I know he will not take the last of ANYTHING
if he thinks I might want it!...
I know he has a heart of gold
but does not know how to express it!
I know that this child of mine
was meant for me...
I know that I love him in the deepest recesses of my soul
and would take this burden from him...
I know that his quirks
have kept me up nights
as I want to save him from hurts
and bullies....
I know that I want nothing less
then a world that sees him as I do
and I know
that he is different...

and right in this moment
as much as I love him
for who he is..
and accept him..
and adore him...
my heart is breaking....

I have lost 2 men...
I have hurt deeply...
but in this moment
hurting for my son....
my soul is torn to pieces
my heart is black with grief...

But I know the story does not end here..
As I think of the holiday this week;
and all it signifies
and know there is one
who watched his son hurt
and watched his son bullied
and knew his son had a burden to bear.
I know there is one who can handle my hurt,
and who can care for my son..
better then I can...
and I know that I have no other options
but to let go and let God.

Dear Heavenly father..
please watch out for my son
please father I commit him into your hands....
I cannot do this alone!


  1. Debbie,

    Please email me @ I want to talk to you about a very special ministry that I have encountered and I'd like to get you in touch with them.


  2. Your son sounds gifted. This is what a lot of gifted children look like. Out of synch is a good description, a different realm yes, but if you can get him the right services, he will connect with people like him. There is nothing WRONG with him, there is actually probably too much RIGHT with him, he knows, understands and senses beyond his years yet emotionally he's too young to understand why he'd different.

    Good heart aches for you, not for your son though, he'll be fine, he has you.


  3. Try this site..a lot of information but I think you'll find it interesting.


  4. There are many of us parenting kids similar to yours. You are not alone. You have friends and support from someone who understands some of the pain you experience. Write me sometime if you wish.

  5. My heart hurt right along with yours as I read that. He's a step ahead already because he has a mom who gets him, accepts him, and loves him as he is. And your perspective is on God and His love. You are awesome!

  6. Debbie,
    Good morning! Happy Easter Weekend! My favorite Holiday!

    This phrase you wrote caught my attention:
    "...and I know that I have no other options
    but to let go and let God."

    How often did I feel the same...Try to do things MY way, control things MY way, and then as a last resort, turn it over to God when MY way didn't work! I so know how you feel, because for so long I lived the same. But what I have found to be true in my life is that a blessed, peaceful, and joyous life only came for me when I yielded my life to HIS way, rather than MY way. HIS way became my ONLY option, Lily had NO OPTIONS. As Proverbs 8:35-36 says, "Whoever finds me finds life, and receives favor from the Lord. But whoever fails to find me harms himself.."

    Josh and I's first committment is to be pleasing to the Lord-Therefore, our love and faithfulness is to Jesus FIRST-not each other. We walk together by HIS instruction, living life HIS way, not our way. Our children see (by example) that we answer to a Father also, yield to HIS instruction also, and therefore, they yield to OUR instruction as well.

    I was so happy at the end when you said, "please father I commit him into your hands....I cannot do this alone!" Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened"

    My encouragement is that this weekend, one of reconciliation, is that you relinquish your all your options, committ and trust in the Lord!

    Debbie, you have blessed me as Romans 1:12 says : 'That you and I may be encouraged by each others faith'

    May you and your son, your family, have a blessed weekend.

  7. Debbie,
    We all prayed for you today at Bible Study this morning! ;)

  8. That was as beautiful as it was painful. He'll make his way through though. It won't be easy and it will take time, but he'll make it.

  9. Nice connection with Jesus suffering. I have known kids like that. I am aware of ticks also as my 13 year old nephew has them which is caused by a brain tumor they can't remove. (but we are praying God removes).
    You are a special writer that touches hearts. Continue to write and touch my heart. Thanks.