Yesterday my son and I
had a moment..
not a good one..
and one I am still spinning from.
its been a tough few years!
and he has some anger!
and, while I believe in respect..
I also believe in honesty..
and he blew!
I had a bad day!
No great excuse..
just alot of stress!
and truelly my kids were not being angels..
and I blew!
I yelled and lectured...
and yelled and lectured some more.
The tension was high!
My son was gritting his teeth
as he 'yes maamed',
and truelly then, whats the point??
So, when I confronted him on his anger
and spoke to his reaction..
He said, you are yelling..
and you know we have had a bad life...
(bit of an exaggeration...)
the moment that blew my mind...
Maybe this is why papa left!!
Truelly, a knife in my heart would have hurt less...
my girls started crying..
"mom", they said,
"thats not true!"
"Girls, I know!
He is angry, let him be..."
I walked away..
yes, I am stressed!
BUT no, thats not why his dad left..
can he not see it is the exact opposite!
His dad did not leave because I yell,
I yell because his dad left!
AND NO loosing my temper is not OK!!
and it was not to the extreme..
it just hit us all in a moment..
when all seemed too much!
it passed quickly!
But, the comment did not!
and heres what I am left with????
For 9 years of my sons life
I stayed home, homeschooled and raised him
and his sisters!
Sure, I got over it sometimes,
I was not perfect!
BUT I was a good mom!
His papa would say that,
even as he walked out the door...
even as he left me,
he told me what a great mother I had been...
We read books for hours,
and waterpainted in the park!
We talked and cuddled..
we had family game night and family movie night...
then his dad left..
and I spun my wheels
and for a year worked too much!
I still homeschooled,
but worked alot...
and lost alot...
then I left...
and now I am trying to find our 'place' in this new world!
And I read to them..
spend time with them..
love them and talk to them..
but I work now..
they go to school now..
I am stressed sometimes now...
and I wonder...
when they grow up..
what will they remember??
will they remember the times I gave all I had?
or the moments when I gave too much and broke?
Will they remember blowing bubbles in the grass?
or me going to work early in the morning??
will they remember the good?
or only the bad?
will they always wonder if I drove their dad away?
or will they understand I gave all I was...
and loved completely??
There are lessons in the moment...
certainly, I am stressed
and regardless of the behaviour
must control my tongue
as must they...
but beyond that..
how do you move beyond the truth
of harbored hurt and resentment....
within the soul of your son?
how do you proove what is..
without destroying what must be!
How do I know..
that my legacy will be my love?
and not my misteps?????