Friday, April 17, 2009

HARD to take as a mom....

Yesterday my son and I
had a moment..
not a good one..
and one I am still spinning from.

To start...
its been a tough few years!
and he has some anger!
and, while I believe in respect..
I also believe in honesty..
and he blew!

I had a bad day!
No great excuse..
just alot of stress!
and truelly my kids were not being angels..
and I blew!
I yelled and lectured...
and yelled and lectured some more.

The tension was high!
My son was gritting his teeth
as he 'yes maamed',
and truelly then, whats the point??

So, when I confronted him on his anger
and spoke to his reaction..
he blew.
He said, you are yelling..
and you know we have had a bad life...
(bit of an exaggeration...)
and then...
the moment that blew my mind...
Maybe this is why papa left!!

Truelly, a knife in my heart would have hurt less...
my girls started crying..
"mom", they said,
"thats not true!"
"Girls, I know!
He is angry, let him be..."

I walked away..
I cried!!
yes, I am stressed!
BUT no, thats not why his dad left..
can he not see it is the exact opposite!
His dad did not leave because I yell,
I yell because his dad left!

AND NO loosing my temper is not OK!!
and it was not to the extreme..
it just hit us all in a moment..
when all seemed too much!
it passed quickly!
But, the comment did not!

and heres what I am left with????
For 9 years of my sons life
I stayed home, homeschooled and raised him
and his sisters!
Sure, I got over it sometimes,
I was not perfect!
BUT I was a good mom!
His papa would say that,
even as he walked out the door...
even as he left me,
he told me what a great mother I had been...
We read books for hours,
and waterpainted in the park!
We talked and cuddled..
we had family game night and family movie night...
then his dad left..
and I spun my wheels
then remarried..
and for a year worked too much!
I still homeschooled,
but worked alot...
hurt alot..
fought alot..
and lost alot...
then I left...
and now I am trying to find our 'place' in this new world!
And I read to them..
spend time with them..
love them and talk to them..
but I work now..
they go to school now..
I am stressed sometimes now...

and I wonder...

when they grow up..
what will they remember??

will they remember the times I gave all I had?
or the moments when I gave too much and broke?
Will they remember blowing bubbles in the grass?
or me going to work early in the morning??
will they remember the good?
or only the bad?
will they always wonder if I drove their dad away?
or will they understand I gave all I was...
and loved completely??

I wonder....

There are lessons in the moment...
certainly, I am stressed
and regardless of the behaviour
must control my tongue
as must they...
but beyond that..

how do you move beyond the truth
of harbored hurt and resentment....
within the soul of your son?
how do you proove what is..
without destroying what must be!

How do I know..
that my legacy will be my love?
and not my misteps?????

I wonder.........


  1. Oh, honey... this made me cry. My heart hurts for you. I understand how you feel, to a degree, as I have only one. But being a parent alone is hard, no matter how many you have. I can tell you for SURE, though, that while he may remember the times that were hard, he will ALSO remember the rest... the times when you laughed and played. And above all, he will remember the LOVE... never doubt that. He's angry but his anger won't last forever. Neither will his pain. Nor yours. You're tough and you've been through a lot. You're going to be OK. You all will!! XOXO

  2. matter why a marriage breaks up, no matter how many times a parent or parents reassure a child, they always, because it's their nature, being a young human, personalise it and take the blame for themselves and then, because they can't deal with that, send it back outwards because to focus the blame on another takes it away from them for a moment.

    My kids did it to me, and it hurt a lot but once I understand that I was intercepting their pain, knowing I would gladly lay down my life for them, I accepted it much more easily when they aimed those arrows.

    And yes, I can guarantee you he will remember all the good. I'm thinking you both need some tears and a hug, a lot of forgiveness and then some more hugs.


  3. Don't wonder. It's his anger talking and I think deep down you know that. He's probably scared and will be for awhile but it's not your fault and you'll see he didn't really mean it.
    He WILL remember the good days, the fun days, the way you loved him and cared for him. He just sounds like a very sad and angry little boy and time and talking will be all that will heal the hurt I think.
    Be strong and take deep breaths, walk away for a bit if you need to, there's nothing wrong with giving yourself five minutes in another room for you both to get calmer.
    I don't know what you are going through firsthand but I know you will all make it to the other side of the journey. You have each other and no matter what, you love each other. It really will be okay.
    I hope the weekend is better for you.

  4. Wow... you read mine on my mother. He will feel the same about you if not more for you when he grows up. I have the same insecurities when I look in the mirror and worry if I am doing right by my girls. Hang in there...