I realize that this 'alone' place
that i am learning to be..
is a process...
In the beginning I believed
that being alone
meant sleeping alone. living alone.
But, I am coming to understand
that 'being' alone
has more to do
with the comfort you feel
when no-one else is around.
The ability to things alone
that you would normally do in pairs..or threes!
When I first became a single mom
no longer living with parents,
and out of the relationship
I fell into too soon...
I surrounded myself with activity
on weekend or evenings alone!
I am fine in the home alone..
I think the home is my haven...
I do not dwell on memories
nor do I feel lonely...
But , when I venture out...
when I am surrounded by crowds
that's when the thoughts start,
the memories surface
and the feeling of really being 'alone' hits!
so, I know that I must go beyond my comfort zone
and learn to truly be 'just me'..
I take baby steps..
sometimes a movie..
a flea market...
today I drove the hour plus..
to the beach!
This was vital because the last time
I made this drive
was with a complete family
the night after I found out,
the man I loved deeply..
was just as deeply in love...
and we went to the beach
as a family..
in an effort to find 'reconciliation'..
it did not work..
and so the drive held many memories..
and the beach itself more...
9 years of family vacations...
snapshots of happy days!
there were 2 things I realised..
one is the happy 'picture perfect' snapshots..
have been rewritten in my mind.
I see the kids playing happily..
that was real...
I see myself watching them with joy..
that was real..
I see my other half involved, in love, excited to be there..
that was not!
I have rewritten happy memories to reflect
what is easier to swallow
as the truth I know now
is hard to accept even in the past!
I also realise that the hurtful memories still hurt!
Even after all this time..
Even knowing it is better this way..
Even having moved past love...
and I know they will always be my memories
a part of my soul..
But each time I face them directly..
and then release them,
the next time they will not hurt as much!
They are all there..
some not yet dealt with
because at the time
they hurt too much
and were pushed to the recess of my mind.
Now that I am stronger
I must deal with them..
knowing each time their effect will be less and less powerful!
and so, today I ventured out!
I moved beyond my safety zone..
I faced some ghosts
and cried over some memories..
But I left with a peace..
knowing that this is the hardest thing I have done.
A dredging of my soul..
But, doing this completely, honestly, deeply and with all the heart and emotion
will leave me complete as a person
No matter who or what the future holds...
the pruning and refining of my heart,
is worth the pain..
for the ultimate release..
and freedom to live without fear...
the freedom to live complete and whole...