Sunday, April 26, 2009

rewriting old memories...

I realize that this 'alone' place
that i am learning to be..
is a process...
In the beginning I believed
that being alone
meant sleeping alone. living alone.

But, I am coming to understand
that 'being' alone
has more to do
with the comfort you feel
when no-one else is around.
The ability to things alone
that you would normally do in pairs..or threes!

When I first became a single mom
no longer living with parents,
and out of the relationship
I fell into too soon...
I surrounded myself with activity
and friends
on weekend or evenings alone!
I am fine in the home alone..
I think the home is my haven...
I do not dwell on memories
nor do I feel lonely...

But , when I venture out...
when I am surrounded by crowds
that's when the thoughts start,
the memories surface
and the feeling of really being 'alone' hits!

so, I know that I must go beyond my comfort zone
and learn to truly be 'just me'..
I take baby steps..
sometimes a movie..
a flea market...
today I drove the hour plus..
to the beach!
This was vital because the last time
I made this drive
was with a complete family
the night after I found out,
the man I loved deeply..
was just as deeply in love...
with another!
and we went to the beach
as a family..
in an effort to find 'reconciliation'..
it did not work..
and so the drive held many memories..
and the beach itself more...
9 years of family vacations...
snapshots of happy days!

there were 2 things I realised..
one is the happy 'picture perfect' snapshots..
have been rewritten in my mind.
I see the kids playing happily..
that was real...
I see myself watching them with joy..
that was real..
I see my other half involved, in love, excited to be there..
that was not!
I have rewritten happy memories to reflect
what is easier to swallow
as the truth I know now
is hard to accept even in the past!

I also realise that the hurtful memories still hurt!
Even after all this time..
Even knowing it is better this way..
Even having moved past love...
and I know they will always be my memories
a part of my soul..
But each time I face them directly..
and then release them,
the next time they will not hurt as much!
They are all there..
some not yet dealt with
because at the time
they hurt too much
and were pushed to the recess of my mind.
Now that I am stronger
I must deal with them..
knowing each time their effect will be less and less powerful!

and so, today I ventured out!
I moved beyond my safety zone..
I faced some ghosts
and cried over some memories..
But I left with a peace..
knowing that this is the hardest thing I have done.
A dredging of my soul..
But, doing this completely, honestly, deeply and with all the heart and emotion
will leave me complete as a person
No matter who or what the future holds...
the pruning and refining of my heart,
is worth the pain..
for the ultimate release..
and freedom to live without fear...
and loss...
the freedom to live complete and whole...


  1. I love the way you write... good, deep, and always personal! By the way, if I lived next to you, I'd mow your lawn whenever you needed.

  2. I love your posts. You're managing your journey so beautifully. You should be proud of yourself... I'm proud of you :)

  3. Wonderful post. Your strength just shows on the page. You have such depth. I hope you know and have forgiven your ex-husband who hurt you so much. I'm sure he wanted to be in love with you but he just wasn't.

    I hope someday someone worthy of you comes along but until then know that you are only worthy of the best because you are the best and being happy with yourself is key!

    Feeling the pain is so important to moving past it. So many are afraid to feel any pain and choose to feel nothing. Go through the experience and grow..just as you are doing.


  4. I am so thankful for your blog!! You always give me so much to think about and strive for. I know what you mean about rewriting moments. Some of the old memories I have kept intact, but the more recent ones, I now see differently. I have been trying to get out and about more too. Sometimes it's weird, but mostly it's pretty fun! :)

  5. very nice post. I have been in that place often. There is no way to completely get some things out of the recesses of your memory. Especially with kids, who are a part of the person no longer there. There are constant reminders.
    But you don't have to get rid of them. As you stated, some of the memories are great and happy, even with the ex. But they are that- memories.
    I have learned to talk to my kids about the happy memories of my time with their father in the past, they were happy and still can be happy as memories. While making new happy memories in the future.

  6. I love how you have thought through this part of your journey. This awareness will serve you well as you proceed along the next leg of your journey.