Just friends...really??

I have read many self-help books
about recovering from divorce...
and not repeating mistakes!

Many suggest friendships
with the opposite sex..
the premise being;
you come to know how to relate..
set boundaries..
communicate..
without all the confines and pressures
that a romance brings.
In addition men give woman different insight
and perspective
and visa versa..

I have not had male friends since high school!
not really..
a few mutual friends of my ex husbands
during our marriaige..
and I consider the husbands of some
of my good friends, my friends too...
But, not chat and relate and even hang out friends.
so the idea is great...
but where do you start
and how?

There are two types of men.
single
and
married.

single men are not that interested in friendship,
at least not when they are
approaching me for a date, it seems.
married men..
well,
theres a whole other issue.
because naturally there are boundaries
and me being single
causes natural insecurities
no matter how light
or surface the friendship might be.

So,wheres a girl to go to make male friends..
and is that an oxy-moron?
Some people say it is.

But, it matters to me
because I am just not ready for romance.
and while I am told
I will know when I am ready
I am pretty sure
I will fight it pretty hard.

But, what I want
is to learn and understand from men..
that are not wanting something from me,
or hiding something from me.
I would like to learn
who I relate too..
who I do not.
I would like to learn to speak my mind,
in positive ways with men,
something I struggled with in relationships..
within the safe confines of friendship.

I would like male friends.
I see the benefits..
I want the insight..
I want the experience...
but, I seem to be limited
in my choices

who will be just my friend..
or can be my friend..
or even should, I guess.

Is it true?
can men and woman just not be friends?

OK..so.... next....

So what do you do when you hit the wall??
you climb it...
what do you do when you are buried under it?
you dig out!

I dug my way out!
Yes, sometimes life stinks!!
Yes, sometimes it is hard!
and I think its OK to cry!
Its OK to take a moment, or an hour, or a day
and feel sad and down!
BUT, the next step is a choice!
Do you stay there?
or do you start digging your way out!
and if the answer is dig out..
then how??

For me,
in this journey,
I have found;
sharing with friends is a big factor in digging out
or climbing over!
sharing with Family, friends, and my facebook and bloggy friends
has had a huge impact on my heart!
Support and encouragement make a huge difference!
BUT, no-one will know you need the support
if you don't tell someone you are drowning!
Yelling "HELP" I cannot do this another moment..
is normally the first step in realizing
you really have what it takes to do this as long as it takes..
because when the answers to your heart cry come back
the encouragement is a balm for your soul,
and a motivator for your attitude
and you will begin to see the light
and feel anxious to get there!
Sharing my heart...
being open about my hurt...
has been the second greatest healer
in my journey from brokeness to wholeness!

The first, is my faith!
The first, is my Lord!
The first is the one who has carried me on his shoulders
and who still has not put me down....

friends and hurt.....

I think that its inevitable
when you go through a break up
or life upheaval
too at some point..
feel betrayed by a friend, or two,
in some shape or form!
For me this has been in several ways...
When my first husband left I lived in denial..
feeling very little..
so now three years later..
I sometimes feel the sting,
of the friends that were 'ours'
and are now 'theirs'.
I wonder how they are OK with it all..
and so there is a sense of hurt!
Even though in truth,
I understand it!
and know they all have to move on...
it still leaves its mark.
When I left my second husband
I felt the sting of betrayal..
when friends who were his..
(because thats all we had..were his friends)
but became mine..
chose to longer communicate with me!
Above all, it confused me..
because if they knew the truth..
there would be no reason for them to feel that way..
so I wonder what they were told..
and feel a small sting at the rejection...
and lastly,
there are the friendships that cannot withstand
the turmoil.
The friends who think you should have done it differently,
or got tired of hearing it..
or who just got tired of waiting for you to get your life together..
and those lost friendships hurt too!
Now three years later..
now that I look at life through realistic filters,
I believe that this is part of the process!
and it is hard!
as a single person,
you are already lonely,
you are sometimes already rejected..
you are often in need of support and validation..
so the loss of these people..
no matter how distant or close..
just adds hurt upon hurt!!

BUT, when the dust settles....
I have realized that it has all turned out the way it should.
I have lost friendships..
and I have gained some!
The friends who accepted and became 'their' friends
are really not missed in the scope of things!
The friends who chose to listen to lies rather then accept truth
would never have been a support any way!
So, the blessing is..
as the 'weeding' process happens
you are left with the friends who you should be investing in!
and if you are left alone..
then its time to start looking...
and refilling your life
with friends who care and support, listen and love!
Good friends are the greatest aid in the healing process...
and hurtful ones the greatest detriment!
No different then letting go of the love and past...
its vital to let go of the hurt and 'injustice'
and instead focus on the people in your life
that leave you feeling better for the time spent in their presence!
They are out there.....