friends and hurt.....

I think that its inevitable
when you go through a break up
or life upheaval
too at some point..
feel betrayed by a friend, or two,
in some shape or form!
For me this has been in several ways...
When my first husband left I lived in denial..
feeling very little..
so now three years later..
I sometimes feel the sting,
of the friends that were 'ours'
and are now 'theirs'.
I wonder how they are OK with it all..
and so there is a sense of hurt!
Even though in truth,
I understand it!
and know they all have to move on...
it still leaves its mark.
When I left my second husband
I felt the sting of betrayal..
when friends who were his..
(because thats all we had..were his friends)
but became mine..
chose to longer communicate with me!
Above all, it confused me..
because if they knew the truth..
there would be no reason for them to feel that way..
so I wonder what they were told..
and feel a small sting at the rejection...
and lastly,
there are the friendships that cannot withstand
the turmoil.
The friends who think you should have done it differently,
or got tired of hearing it..
or who just got tired of waiting for you to get your life together..
and those lost friendships hurt too!
Now three years later..
now that I look at life through realistic filters,
I believe that this is part of the process!
and it is hard!
as a single person,
you are already lonely,
you are sometimes already rejected..
you are often in need of support and validation..
so the loss of these people..
no matter how distant or close..
just adds hurt upon hurt!!

BUT, when the dust settles....
I have realized that it has all turned out the way it should.
I have lost friendships..
and I have gained some!
The friends who accepted and became 'their' friends
are really not missed in the scope of things!
The friends who chose to listen to lies rather then accept truth
would never have been a support any way!
So, the blessing is..
as the 'weeding' process happens
you are left with the friends who you should be investing in!
and if you are left alone..
then its time to start looking...
and refilling your life
with friends who care and support, listen and love!
Good friends are the greatest aid in the healing process...
and hurtful ones the greatest detriment!
No different then letting go of the love and past...
its vital to let go of the hurt and 'injustice'
and instead focus on the people in your life
that leave you feeling better for the time spent in their presence!
They are out there.....

complicated world but not as scary as I thought,,,

It seems that every day
my journey gets just a little easier..
and sometimes I do something
and wonder why did I wait so long?
and yet I know
that in truth
its all in Gods timing..
and rushing the process
brings a different outcome...
something I know so well!!
So much has started to fall into place in my life...
two of the things are connected!
The first is a new friendship!
I have found as I age that connecting is much harder!
I think its due to many things
but one of those things
is that its harder to put yourself out there with new people...
so, often friendships that don't already have history attached
tend to stay at the surface level..
therefore, making a new connection..
with someone that speaks my heart language,
makes me laugh, will listen if I am sad, and embraces my family into hers..
has been very impacting!!
in addition
that friendship
led me back
to an old church home...
and that has been life changing!
As I sat in church today
and felt the vibrant energy
and saw faces of people I love
I wondered why did it take me so long..
to come back where I belong?
the answer is,
I belong here now!
and now is perfect!
But these things...
so simple
yet so strong...
continue to push me forward towards the place
of wholeness...
they remind me I am not on this journey alone...
and they encourage me to keep learning
and growing...
I am so thankful for so much!
I have a wonderful family whose support has literally saved me...
I have children I adore and that have given me the motivation to keep moving...
and now the I have heart connections I longed for,
and a church that feels like being home!
All these things work together for good..
all these things are part
of learning how to live..
and all these things are part of the richness of life
that awaits when the pain passes
and the living begins!

learning now to live and trust again..

I was told , recently,
that during my time in an unhealthy relationship
that for me, time stood still!
I realized that it did!
When the relationship ended,
I expected life to resume as normal some how...

I think it is that way after a divorce!
initially you are so hurt
and broken..
some make destructive choices,
some hide
some look for relief..
BUT most all of us act out..or in!
We almost all go into a shock, a numbness...
and for a while just go through the motions!
We are not 'us'!
We are not sure who we are...
we are not sure if we will ever be 'us' again!
and then we start to see straight!
The hurt is still there..
the pain is deep...
but we are starting to think
and feel
and plan,
and we expect that we will sync back into our lives..

and then we realize
its not that simple!!!
Friends have taken sides...
friends have turned away in anger at our choices,
friends are busy with their lives
and often that looks very different from our lives...
and for a while its like being lost at sea...
what now?????

Thats the place I am coming through!
I now see that I cannot just pick up where I left off..
sure, with some things!
BUT not with most!!
Some of my friends are there
Some are not..
Most are busy with their lives and marriages...
and my time is not as flexible as it once was!

There is a time factor..
when you get a divorce,
even if you do not move away..
in your mind you tend to check out!
Sometimes for a while..
some times when you check back in
you find no-one is there waiting anymore!

MY life looks very different then it used to!
I have some friends that would be friends whether we had any
circumstances in common or not..
but, mostly, I am starting over!
and the issue becomes how?

At first I did not want to do that...
I thought if I gave it enough time
that I would reconnect with old groups
and reestablish my life
with a resemblance to the past..

and for a while I was not able to think beyond doing only that!
NOW I am ready..
now I have come to understand I am new person!
I bring my past to my new self..
and I bring my friends that want to come..
and I bring my experiences...
but my circumstances are all new...
my independence is all new...
my goals and desires are all new...
and I am finally OK with letting go of my comfort zone
and understanding that in this new stage of life,
I need to seek out new friendships
in new places,
I need to seek new experiences
and let go of the hope that somehow
my life will right itself..
and instead accept it has!!
This is what is should look like..
now where I go with it is completely up to me!