learning now to live and trust again..

I was told , recently,
that during my time in an unhealthy relationship
that for me, time stood still!
I realized that it did!
When the relationship ended,
I expected life to resume as normal some how...

I think it is that way after a divorce!
initially you are so hurt
and broken..
some make destructive choices,
some hide
some look for relief..
BUT most all of us act out..or in!
We almost all go into a shock, a numbness...
and for a while just go through the motions!
We are not 'us'!
We are not sure who we are...
we are not sure if we will ever be 'us' again!
and then we start to see straight!
The hurt is still there..
the pain is deep...
but we are starting to think
and feel
and plan,
and we expect that we will sync back into our lives..

and then we realize
its not that simple!!!
Friends have taken sides...
friends have turned away in anger at our choices,
friends are busy with their lives
and often that looks very different from our lives...
and for a while its like being lost at sea...
what now?????

Thats the place I am coming through!
I now see that I cannot just pick up where I left off..
sure, with some things!
BUT not with most!!
Some of my friends are there
Some are not..
Most are busy with their lives and marriages...
and my time is not as flexible as it once was!

There is a time factor..
when you get a divorce,
even if you do not move away..
in your mind you tend to check out!
Sometimes for a while..
some times when you check back in
you find no-one is there waiting anymore!

MY life looks very different then it used to!
I have some friends that would be friends whether we had any
circumstances in common or not..
but, mostly, I am starting over!
and the issue becomes how?

At first I did not want to do that...
I thought if I gave it enough time
that I would reconnect with old groups
and reestablish my life
with a resemblance to the past..

and for a while I was not able to think beyond doing only that!
NOW I am ready..
now I have come to understand I am new person!
I bring my past to my new self..
and I bring my friends that want to come..
and I bring my experiences...
but my circumstances are all new...
my independence is all new...
my goals and desires are all new...
and I am finally OK with letting go of my comfort zone
and understanding that in this new stage of life,
I need to seek out new friendships
in new places,
I need to seek new experiences
and let go of the hope that somehow
my life will right itself..
and instead accept it has!!
This is what is should look like..
now where I go with it is completely up to me!